Jim,<p>I have looked through your Plan B threads and I wanted to know what you thought about my current situation.<p>I call it Plan B, but it really isn't since reading your educational threads on this subject.<p>I have asked my WH to move out and that may be happening within the next two weeks. The thing is he's not currently in an A. You may remember a bit of my situation and that my WH has had a few PAs and EAs with different women and the last was with a coworker in Oct. '01. He swears it was just a kiss and sexually explicit emails with her.<p>I decided I just can't trust him and it's killing me. At first I was adament to get a divorce, but since then he has read a bit of Hope For The Separated by Gary Chapman (I think) and asked if I'd ever consider reconciling. I told him I would consider it, but so much would need to change.<p>My expectations for this separation are that he'll realize what he's done (porn and As) and confess everything to me showing true remorse, depression and guilt. I also would like him to tell me his thoughts on how this could happen, what he plans on doing to recover and then SHOW me he's changing and wants our marriage.<p>I don't plan on telling him my expectations - I want him to come to this on his own. <p>Since this really isn't a true Plan B, should I still have no contact with him and should I write some sort of letter?<p>I would love to reconcile, but I need some space from him and his problems for a time. Since asking him to move out I've lessened my obsessions and snooping in his email (he gave me his passwords a while ago and I was checking it obsessively - it's been 2 1/2 days and I've only checked it once).<p>I'm working on my own issues that I feel have contributed to our demise. I'm reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and have recognized how hurtful I have been to myself in being compliant and passive (painfully so).<p>I feel more assertive and in control of my life and I'm not so afraid to speak truths to my H as I have been in the past for fear he'll reject me.<p>Am I way out there with my expectations? <p>I appreciate your time and expert advice (yes, I consider you an expert).<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I am honored that you ask me personally...
...although realize I am now divorced!<p>No, your not in a ture Plan B...
...there is no doubt about it.<p>If you need to seperation (physical)...
...that can be an OK thing...
...but it should be made clear that the duration MUST be limited.
Maybe 2 months at the most!<p>You could use that time to get your own Plan A "head" on straight...
1. Start practicing honesty... anlet your H know you require x... y... and z....
2. Start looking to meet his needs... and at the same time... honestly express what your needs are
3. Do check on his e-mails (let him know this is a long term concern for you... not a few days... but possibly for the rest your lives!)
4. Counseling is crucial... one with MB concepts would help the most!
5. Try to redevelop a "faith based" approach... and get together for praying!<p>Prepare to revert to a full blown Plan A!...
...even before he comes back home!<p>You have my prayers<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

Jim,<p>Yes, I recognize you are now divorced! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I've decided to separate mainly because I can't handle my mistrusting feelings whenever he leaves the house and I'm not sure I can ever trust him again.<p>I don't want to meet his ENs especially while he's out of the house. I want him to step up to the plate and plan a recovery and long term marital plan - if he wants our M! I don't want the responsibility at this point. Sure, if he decides he wants our M and eventually comes home I'll put 110% effort into it, but right now I want to forget his infidelities and just relax and enjoy my kids and my family/friends.<p>I guess what I'm saying is I want to be selfish right now and that scares me a bit because I might not want him to come back. We have other blended family issues that I need to speak up about if he wants to come back, too. I just don't know if I want his influance in my home with my 2 young boys.<p>I want to take this time for myself, to regain my spirituality in prayer and sort my feelings and thoughts out on this whole trust issue.<p>Thank you so much for your insight and I hope all is well with you these days!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]