Hi:
I read your situation, and can really empathize with the hell you are going through. My husband is still in his affair; we have been separated since early October, when he dropped the bomb on me and MOVED IN immediately with the OW. I don't know what's worse, my situation where he leaves and moves in with OW, or yours where he's waffling back and forth like a spineless jellyfish. It sounds like we both have our own little special kind of hell; you've got daily contact and have to deal with his indecision, I've got virtually zero contact with my H and have no idea what's going on with him, where his head is at, or how his affair is going! I was forced into Plan B from the get-go, and it's tough, tough, tough. However, I really believe it's critical to DISENGAGE yourself from this mess. I don't have kids, so you have to deal w/ him from that perspective, but I really believe if there is any way you can stay away from him with NO CONTACT, that is the only way he is going to gain any perspective on how life will be without you. I have to FORCE myself not to pick up the phone and call him; I think about him and the OW 24/7...and I deserve an Academy Award for acting like "I don't care and have moved on with my life". I have probably read 20 books on the subject of infidelity, "winning" your spouse back, etc. and there is one common vein throughout all of the advice...the only way to win back a wayward spouse is to LET HIM/HER GO. Time is your biggest ally, because eventually the romance/euphoria pull that is keeping him with the OW will tarnish...usually within 6 months from what I've read. As tough as it sounds, part of me thinks you should just shove him toward the OW and tell him "Go!". Then wait for reality to set in. You hang in there - I'm in the same uncomfortable rocky boat as you.

Limu,<p> Thank you for your note. I think that you are right, at this point I need to put all the energy I had previously focased on saving my marriage into saving myself. I have also become a self-help book junkie (something I had never done before). The most helpful so far has been "The Secret of Letting Go" by Guy Finley. The writing is of the annoying new-age style, but the concepts ring true to me. At one point in the book the author points out that clinging to the wreakage is not the same as being rescued. I have to keep telling myself that. I am trying hard to let go of the wreakage that has been my marriage for the last six months and open my arms to whatever good and positive things God has waiting for me.<p> My H is coming tonight to take the kids for the weekend and I am going to give him my Plan B letter, as well as the key to his apartment which he gave me a while back. I really struggled with the letter because at this point a big part of me doesn't really want him back, or at least can't see how he will ever be able to make it back. But I figure I don't have much to lose.<p> I am also struggling with whether or not to tell his sister about the A. In an effort not to LB, and in the hopes that we would one day put this all behind us, I have not told anyone in H's family about the situation. Now, however, SIL is being dragged in since she is taking my place on the ski trip H and I planned with our kids next week. I am still torn about this. On the one hand I resent being made to look like the guilty party with H's family. I also hope that perhaps SIL could talk some sense into my H. So far H has been well protected from any negative input regarding the A. I felt it would be counter-productive to talk about negative impact myself, and there is no one else to do it. H sees a Dr. several times a week because he has made his life such a mess, but in true form the Dr. does not pass any judgment on H's actions and in fact tries to support H's decisions. I also wonder if SIL might be able to give me some idea of where H's head really is in all of this. If there is no hope, I would like to close the door on this ugly chapter in my life and move forward. At the same time I don't want to put SIL in an uncomfortable position, or end up with H all pissed off at my medling. I told H that I thought SIL had a right to know the actual circumstances of our separation if she is to be thrown in the middle of things and he agreed. I seriously doubt he has told her yet, or will give her an accurate picture of things.<p> Just to complain and show what a class A rat H has become. SIL has already been used without her knowledge in all this. Several months ago while H was still in the house, SIL and FIL came to visit us. H was claiming to have ended A at that point (yet again) and he spent the entire weekend being as wonderful and kind as he had been in months. He really had me going. I cooked a huge meal for H's family, including BIL's family, and we had a nice time. On Sunday morning H claimed he had to go into the office early. Soon after he left, FIL suddenly decided he wanted to go home. I tried to call H to let him know and give him a chance to say goodbye, but he was nowhere to be found. When he got back the truth came out -- he had left me alone with his family to see OW! Why I didn't kick him out at that point is anybody's guess. Instead I listened to his seemingly heartfelt promises that THIS time it was really over. I have been such a fool.<p> Count yourself lucky that at least your H has spared you the humilation mine has doled out. If you are able to eventually work things out, you won't have anywhere near the bad memories and deception to forgive that I carry.<p> Hang in there. I will be thinking good thoughts for you.

Hi sticking w/ it:
Unfortunately, my H is doling out his own brand of humiliation. Immediately after moving in w/ OW, he paraded around town with her as if he were some single gigolo, not a married man of 11 years! I got daily reports from friends/family of them at restaurants, night clubs, concerts, gym etc. having the time of their lives. Yecchh! It was/is embarrasing and humiliating. I have had so many "Who IS this man I'm married to?" moments I cannot even tell you. However, everyone made it very clear to me that they DID NOT approve of what he was doing and that he was making a total fool of himself. And hopefully, that is how your in-laws would react if you decide to tell them. I feel really fortunate because my in-laws have been very supportive of me. They are mortified about what their son is doing (embarrassed, ashamed, asking themselves where they went wrong in raising him, etc.). They really want our marriage to survive and remind him (on the rare occassions that they see him, as he is avoiding his family like the plague) that he is still married and he made a commitment that he needs to live up to (they are very Catholic). However, right now, all of this is falling on deaf ears, as the euphoric roar is drowing out all reason and logic. But this won't last forever!! (We have to keep remembering that). All highs are usually followed by major crashes at some point...
Anyway, I told EVERYONE I knew, including his family about my H's affair (kind of hard to hide since he's galavanting all over creation w/ her), but I also felt the need to dispel all of the lies he was telling people (that we had been separated for a while, that he didn't start seeing OW til after we were separated...lies, lies, lies). You do have to tread somewhat lightly though w/ how you relate to the in-laws...my SIL doesn't approve of what H is doing, but has stated "He is my brother and I love him no matter what", which is understandable. So just keep your anger in check when telling them, and try to make them feel like they aren't caught in the middle. I've been able to really lean on my in-laws for support and it's brought me a lot of comfort. I hope your are the same way...
My favorite book so far has been "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman, which intersperses humor into the whole infidelity mess (humor is in short supply around my house right now), and I also enjoyed the easy to read "When the one you love wants to leave" by Donald Harvey. Sounds like you H needs some serious boundaries set, he's instituting the standard M.O. of betrayers - wanting the best of both worlds. Time for some tough love!
It's the weekend, so let's try to get through it leading with our chins!

Limu,
Ouch. You're right, I guess that everyone has their own brand of humiliation! My H has the kids for this weekend and I am feeling better than I have in a long time. I just have to stick to my new rule about avoiding contact with him. He sucks me into to his vortex so easily. I think I have to work on getting him out of my system the same way I asked him to get OW out of his. Let's hope that I have better luck!<p> I hope you had a relaxing weekend.