hello- im new to this board, hopefully you guys can help and encourage me here. ill try to be brief(my life in a nutshell!)
on dec, 9th i found out husband was having affair-ea and pa. going on since sept or oct-ea went pa in nov. pa supposedly stopped dec. 8th but they decided to stay friends, after all they were friends first. i found this site in jan. after reading saa. husband read the book too. he has never left and seemed to want our marriage. i have been plan a'ing my but off since. in beginning he tried to meet my needs-honesty and such-i found out he was still lying. he has never really met my needs or tried. he is kind and happy for the most part, but would like to act as if this isnt happening.this will get real long so ill let you ask questions on that later.we have spent time together and done more family things-i however feel as if i am at the end of my plan a rope. i am starting to resent him and get mad. we have a trip planned in a few days and sometimes i look at him and want to hug him and other times i look at him and want to throw up! any advice or suggestions are welcome-im not sure if i can find the motivation to keep doing this if he doesnt start meeting some of my needs soon.

Are you guys working on the MB recovery plan together? Have you given him a detailed list of what you need to meet your top needs (and he should do the same for you), and scheduled regular times for feedback to each other?

hey nikko,<p>Carder, in "Torn Asunder," would say that anger is an important part of the process... in fact... I believe he says that you can't really heal or recover w/ out going through the anger phase.<p>It's all in how you deal w/ the anger. Come up w/ what triggers your anger, then devise a 'game plan' to handle it. Journaling. Calling a friend. Making a 'vent' post. Punching some pillows. Driving out into the country to a empty field and screaming your lungs out...<p>Eventually the anger phase fades... and you move on to the next stage... much like the stages of grief... and you will move in and out... backwards and forwards... over the recovery time period.<p>The trick is to know it and plan for it.<p>Hugs,
Cali

dear cam, and calli-thank you for answering- as for your ? cam-yes we have been doing marriage b. principals from start. well i have. you have to understand that he is trying, he has real problems with emotions and dealing with them. i think he was taught to hide them and just let them go away. he avoids conflict and i never really see him angry. weve been together 10 yrs. he needs therapy and is stalling on going. he says its money but i dont buy it. i even stopped my counseling to let him go-i feel he needs it more than me. plus my counselour sucked. she really was horrible. its almost funny. anyway i feel i have you guys to ask and bounce things off of so... let him go. its just he hasnt made the appt. i have to tell him i or we cannot fix this on our own. we need help. i would like to counsel with the harleys, if possible in future. anyway yes we did the questionaires and such. he knows what i need-he says its just with work and his new possition..blah blah blah! he also has told me he knows he is not meeting my needs and to be patient. i think ive been pretty patient so far...<p>anyway,cali, i do know i have to deal with the anger, i have a few ways of doing that and when i get stressed i have better realeses than most. i work at a spa and salon-got the greatest hot stone therapy massage yesterday. i have to learn how to do more for myself and not feel guilty for it. thats hard.

Hi, nikko,<p>It appears you've discussed not getting your needs met from your H's remark about being patient. Have you figured out what was wrong in your M before the A for him to turn to it?<p>My WH would always talk, talk, talk about his feelings and emotions before we married and then instantly when we married (he had 1 night PA following 5 month EA 2 weeks before our wedding) he stopped talking to me.<p>He still doesn't talk much unless I bring it up and it's been mostly lies I've found so why bother. We are moving to Plan B within the month as I can no longer handle my feelings of mistrust whenever he leaves the house.<p>I hope your H makes that counseling appt.! You and your family are in my prayers.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

we have disscussed our previous problems and dealt with them-still dealing. part of it was his not dealing with stuff that came up. he burries things and i become distant. we know this is a problem. he is aware of his emotional shortcomings and i just want him to deal with that. i dont believe we can recover until he fixes himself emotionally. we drifted apart before the affair-basically he told me he did this on purpose to hurt me the worst way possible. do i totally believe this, not really. not sure if this is just a defense mechanism for me or what. his needs were not being met. i know this and have taken full responsibility for my part in that. he has never done that. in our first mc session he felt ganged up on and yelled at me in front of counselour, "if you think i will ever grovel or beg...blah blah blah." im starting to think he really meant that. this all scares me so much,if i am married to such a selfish person that would want to hurt me on purpose and never take responsibility for it.. then im not sure this is what i want in life. actually i know its NOT! i think alot of what he said came from protecting himself and his emotions. he really has serious difficulty with emotions. this is not the type of man he is. i just dont think he knows how to handle the guilt and feelings he is having other than to bury them. any others jump on in here. if any ws have input i would love it.