Hi,
This is my first post. Here's my short sad story. Last Aug, H told me he has been having an affair for the past 3 years. Through many trials, counseling sessions with Steve Harley, and even the marriage builder's weekend, my H is leaving our son (6) and I because he does not think it is worth sacrificing his job for a marriage that "might" bring some unknown amount of happiness.<p>Through the last 7 months I have been in Plan A. I have tried to meet his EN and stop my LB.
After the weekend seminar, it became clear to me that I had done a poor job at protecting my H from LB. Mostly because I would get that churning acid feeling in my stomach everytime he left for work.<p>It's weird - we are wonderful parents, even pretty good friends and recreational companions...but he cannot believe that he will be able to fall in love with me. Also, he doesn't see why continued contact with the OP has anything to do with the recovery process.<p>So, I finally said we have to seperate and he jumped at the chance. I am so sad - he took off his wedding ring before he left. <p>I am terribly scared. I've read many articles, and the posts from Orchid about her son Joel
hit so close to home because of my son. For those of you who are in/have been in Plan B, is it more than likely I should just look towards a D? Arrgh - I don't mind myself, but my son's grief and pain just kills me.<p>Help!
L

I am so sorry you are going thru this. He really left you no choice. You tried Plan A, and he kept seeing OW (contact), so it is obvious that he is in a fog. Follow the Plan B guidelines as described by Dr. Harley, protect your finances and your sons by seeing an attorney. Remember, you are doing this to try and save your marriage. Work on yourself, self improvement really boosts your ego, and if you feel sad and lethargic, see an MD for antidepressant meds to help you get thru this. A good nights sleep can do wonders. Keep posting, we are here for you. Many posters have had successful Plan B return of WS. Most affairs die a natural death, so hang in there. I thought my WS would never love me again, but it is possible, and our marriage is strangely better than before...different, but better. Do not loose hope. He really sounds like he is in a fog. Take care of yourself and your little one-God bless!

New Jersey -<p>Thank you so much - I've read and read this site thinking that I could take comfort from other people's experience and advice, but it really helps when someone lets you know "you are not alone" directly. My heart feels better just because your WS came back. For now, we have a pretty set Plan B in place for the next two months. I will keep posting as this time progresses.<p>When you went to plan B, did you tell family and friends about the affair? And if you did, how did you do it? I understand there is a right way and wrong way to do this.<p>Thank you so much.
L.

Dear Local, <p>I stopped by and noticed your post. Your son and mine are about the same age. Like your H mine did move out. For 5 months. Plan B was an important turning point for me. I entered it almost 4 months after d/d. I had to. I needed to save my sanity. <p>The OW I was dealing with was a witch. She felt she owned the WS and in fact controlled him to a great degree. He never admitted it fully but finally after he came home, he saw her control. I call her Psyco Babble Rabbit (PBR). She earned every one of those name and then some. !!! LOL!!<p>Yea, my H did not believe the OW had anything to do with his mixed up feelings. No amount of reasoning by anyone could pull him out of the hole he dug for himself. Ooops I mean he and the OW dug out together. Not even God nor his BIL and friends. No one was able to help him. So I had to let, no we (son, myself and all who truly loved him), we had to let him go and tumble down by himself. <p>He hit bottom but now that I look back, he didn't really hit it hard enough. He spent several nights sleeping in his truck over the course of 14 months. But still he had an attitude. He says he just doesn't feel that 'family feeling'. Well he is home now and knows he almost lost his family for good. <p>Maybe that is what your H needs to realize. No amount of talking from you may work. If that doesn't then don't be afraid of plan B. <p>The funny thing is that this A started in August also. Scary. Hope the OW in your life isn't the same or related to the one in mine. She is a real loser. One of her lastest excuses for calling was about returning a ROCK. You know a boulder rock! LOL!!! Go figure. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If you need to talk, let me know. There are enough stories out here to curl your hair. Yet we have all managed to survive despite the odds. You will also. <p>Have you ever read the book, love must be tough by Dr James Dobson? Give it a try. It helped me. I was prone that direction anyway. LOL!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take Care,
L.

Local,<p>How are you doing?<p>L.

Orchid -<p>Thanks so much for your reply. How am I doing? Well, so many emotions, it's crazy...I guess I'm in the angry stage - but before I go into that, I'll catch up some...<p>My H moved out 3/29. He was convinced he could find something quickly which wasn't the case, so he moved to a hotel. He finally found an apt about a block and a half away from the house...I thought this was very strange. Anyway, I have been trying to cut off all contact, but because he needs to get stuff and his living accomodations were up in the air, I have had contact with him via email.<p>The Sunday before he moved out we told our son. Boy was that painful!! It is so weird - this boy of 6 show so much more insight into what is important (family and love) than his father - that he seems to "know" that his Dad has to go and figure things out...But, he is only 6 and had a rough time at school that week. This is the killer for me - this is where all the doubts come. I cannot stand to see my son in pain caused at least in part by me...this is when I ask myself if I shouldn't have sucked it up and tried some more.<p>But, to answer that, I would have thought that I would have missed my H more. To be perfectly honest with you, I don't. It is such a great relief to not have to think about him/her/them his EN, LB...I know they are important for a relationship, but I was so tired of doing it alone.<p>...as to what I was describing earlier - I've gotten very angry this week. I think part of it is because I had to let my family know - we are very close and it was extremely difficult to see them hurt and angry because of the situation. They have and will be supportive of me and Ryan in this time of indecision, but it is very hard for my parents because they had loved my H like a son - they too feel very betrayed. I have had very vengful thoughts and do not want to put them into action, so I was wondering if you or anyone else have effective ways of getting rid of this anger???? [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>On a positive note, my H did thank me for my Plan B letter, and wrote that he is experiencing unexpected feelings. Personally, I think he is missing Ryan desperately...but that's just a guess. It is Spring Break for us, an I am taking Ryan on a vacation until Wednesday, and then H will get him for the next 4 days...I know I will need support then!!<p>Thanks!!
L.

Hi Local,<p>Your anger is par for the course. You and your family have been hurt by the very one who should be protecting you. Your anger is combined with frustration and it hurts. <p>Learn to refocus your anger, channel your frustration into positive energy. For now find ways to better your son and yourself. Get counseling for you and your son. Read the book his needs/her needs. You are already doing some reading which is good and your H is showing some positive signs (ok with your plan B letter). <p>Don't enable him. He needs to feel the pangs of his choices. Make sure your son has a avenue to share his feelings. You, teacher, friend, relatives, etc. I told his teacher and daycare. Just in case he needed to talk. My cousin was living nearby and I let her know also since our children used to play together (she has since moved away but she was a big help). Children do speak to other children so it is important that those around them know what goes on. In my case, I had to worry since the OW sort of made threats about filing abusive parent charges against me and taking our son away. Not sure what her basis was since we have never met. But she is a psyco babble rabbit of sorts so it ended up being just threats. I notified the authorities so I knew my rights. <p>The main thing is that I kept reinforcing my love for our son. He always knew that I would not abandon him. It was hard to do especially since H's visits to the home at that time were highly stressful. <p>Take care and let us know how we can help. <p>L.