Thanks Unsureheart & Monika!,<p>Unsureheart, I totaly see what your saying about it being easier for you to let go of your anger and to become stronger because your WH is out of the home. Sometimes I feel that would be best also. But neither one of us wants that. I guess I have to try to let go of my anger and move on with my WH in the home, somehow. It has been getting a little easier everyday ( thank God!). Im letting him go in my own way. I need to. I need to focus on getting ME better. If im not better how can I be good for anyone? It is a constant battle with me inside of my mind. I keep replaying everything and making up new things. Im driving my self crazy when I do that. I need to stop! Im learning how. I think its a little harder because Ive actually seen A WHOLE LOT on video tapes. Thats what so hard for me to deal with. I have a total visual. And because Ive seen so much I feel like if we're ever going to make it through this my WH better treat me WAY better than he treated the OW. I dont expect it to happen now, but sometime ( if we make it ) in our future. Because I cant settle for his half-[censored] love. I know what kind of love he is capable of. He used to give that kind of love to me. And if it doesnt happen, then I know he doesnt love me the same. The thing is , I dont want it to be fake. we'll see , I guess.
Monika, O my! Where did you come from? Today has been the weirdest day. I was feeling a million different emotions ( as usual) and started to feel the anger building up again . Then the phone rang. It was a preist from our church! He told me now that everything is out, we both have to work on our parts to change ourselves. He said " it can happen" "you two can make it through this. Ive seen it happen many times. The fact that he hasnt left, never wanted a DV, wants to make it work, and still says he loves you, are very good signs". BOY, talk about a sign from god! What more of a sign can you get than having one of his messengers actually call you up at your house! And now this. You send me this message out of no where! Thank you. I really take it to heart. When it comes to Gods words, I dont question him. I trust in him. I think he is knocking at my door big time! I have choosen TODAY to turn it all over to God. To trust in him that he will fix this and take care of me. I decided to let God lead me onto the path he chooses for me. And for me not to choose my own path. For my WH, all I can do is pray that he can do the same.<p>Thank you both for your replys. It means alot to me and I look forward to getting them. Take care and hang in there.<p>God bless you two. <p>P I

Hey PI -- I see by your posting time that you can't sleep either. I had a bad night last night. I had to go to an after work reception for my work and just as I was about to walk in the door, a friend from another organization mentioned that the OW was going to be there too. I almost fell down on the spot. Then I thought, I didn't do anything to her and she can just leave if she's uncomfortable with my presence and that is exactly what happened. I walked in and she freaked and left.<p>Then of course I had an unpleasant conversation with my WH late at night when he called and I LB'd big time. It's one step forward and two steps back for me in these situations. I couldn't help it after seeing the OW. It must be really hard for you with those videos. I just have these awful letters that I found on his computer between the two of them.<p>Even though I LB'd and that was not good, my WH did tell me he loved me and that he's sorry he hurt me. Usually he just shuts down when we have an argument so I thought this was a good sign. Every day is a challenge and now that we're almost three months out from D-Day I do see some glimmers of hope.<p>I hope your day today is a good one.

Hi Unsureheart,<p>WOW! Tough Woman! Good for you, you didnt let the OW get to you. I know that must have been hard. The fact that you handled that situation well shows your improvement. I hear you about the one step forward, two steps back. Sometimes I feel like Im taking five steps back. I have noticed though, that the steps back are getting shorter and shorter. I just cant wait for the anger to be totaly gone. I cant wait for these thoughts to be gone. Is it easier for you cause your WH is out of the house? <p>That is a good sign on how he reacted to you and telling you he loves you. In time he just may come around. The question is, will you still be around when he finally does? Are you guys talking about DV ? I think if the love is still there, you can always work on it and over come this. Although it is soooo hard! I dont have to tell you that. Sometimes I wonder, if we do make it, could I ever look at him the same? Sometimes when he is sleeping I look at him and just say " I hate you, I hate you so much." I dont want to feel hate for anyone. I want to let it go. Its just so hard. He did me sooooo wrong. I look at all of these pictures around the house and think , " these are all lies. He was with her when these were taken". Im trying not to do that anymore. I need to get so much stronger. Maybe we can get strength from each other? This site helps me alot. I have the biggest problem with my anger and its good to vent here and get support from others.<p>Well you take care today. Remember, one day at a time.
I just wanted to add, I dont know what Id do if I saw the OW! The thought of her is even harder for me to deal with. Help!!! <p>P I

Hi PI and Unsureheart. It is a difficult time to deal with WH's, I also have one. It has been 7 years since he left this coming Nov. We will have been married 10 years this June. It all began with an affair as well, more than one I'm afraid. We are not D'd, he is living with OW, in another province. I am on my own, still wearing my wedding ring, and staying committed to my vows. I made a covenant with God and my H, and I will not break it. I know many people think I'm crazy, but I know what the Lord wants for me in my life, I have had many signs from Him to hang in there. There were so many times I wanted to give up, because I started to see the storm around me. But He always reminds me that HE is looking out for me. I am to pray for my WH, for his heart, and to continue to follow the Lord in all I do.
I am quite happy even though I have my lonely times. God has given me so much to look forward to everyday. I have no children of my own, but I teach over 60 a year to sing. I feel like the mother of many. They keep me busy, and sane!
I know that many people think I should "get on with my life" they, meaning I should find a new man, wrong! I am getting on with my life, it doesn't take a man for that! God is my husband it says so in the Bible, and I go to HIm for everything. I encourage you to stay with your marriage PI, as I know that the Lord can get you through these tough times, and your marriage will be glorious one day! As far as the trust, it is going to take time, getting those images out of your mind is going to be tough, but everytime you go there, pray for God to remove them, He will. Do remember that satan loves to see you writhe in those thoughts, and if you tell him to get out of your head(always in Jesus name) I know he will flee. ONe of the biggest lessons I've learned from all of this, is that I know satan wants to destroy marriages, but God wants them to work, now who do you think will win? Who will you let win? I hope I can be of some help for anyone who is suffering, as I know that pain all too well.
I pray for you that He will give you both the strength needed to deal with your seperate but similar situations. Also don't forget, that with God, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!<p>Monika<p>[ April 10, 2002: Message edited by: Monika ]</p>

PI -- The thing about the pictures you wrote reminded me of something totally silly I did when I first found out. I felt like my life had been a lie (just like you) I took the pictures hanging up from our wedding and took lipstick and wrote over the front of all of them THE BIG FAT LIE and put them on the floor in front of the front door so he would see them when he walked in (I had found out about the affair while he was out and had called him on his cell phone to let him know I knew). Anyway, I was so angry and hurt and I can laugh about it now, but it was such a childish thing to do (although it made me feel better at the time).<p>While I don't think I hate my husband I do hate what he did. But, according to my counselor that's not all bad -- the fact that he still brings out strong emotions good or bad is a sign that the love is still there. If I didn't feel strongly, then probably it would be too late to save the marriage.<p>Once he said maybe it was better if we divorced, but that was back when all I did was LB and tell him that he had ruined my life (before I found this site and got into counseling). Now, he says he's confused but does not want to talk about divorce. <p>I feel like I am in the middle of a soap opera. <p>Every day gets better and I feel stronger.

Hi Unsureheart, when you say you don't hate him but hate what he did, that is such a good attitude. Hate the sin, not the sinner!
Keep hanging in there, and love him through this! He will come around I'm sure... the fact that he still works with her is tough, my H was working with the one I found out about, but he was far too gone by then...
He is with a different one now, he's pretty messed up! As far as seeing the OW, you did good by going, you are not the one who did wrong, she was. PI, you need not be afraid of seeing the OW either, because you are his wife! I know it is a scary deal, but I confronted the one mine worked with, it was absolutely frightening, but it was the best thing I could have done. Before the conversation was over, we were hugging! Imagine that! Forgiveness is so important. These OW don't know what they are doing, even if they ended up with their affair partner, could they trust them? There will always be the threat of another woman in their picture.
I have so much to share with you ladies, I think we will be writing for a while....<p>Until tomorrow,

All,<p>Try to be carefull to contact OW, ladies don't do that w/o supervision for your conselor. I talk to OM twice under Steve guidelines ... finding information and find out which is OM ?, there are 3 persons w/ the same first name. ... finding information if they have any plan at all. OMW confronted my WW four times and ending getting a RO on herself. My WW is OW from hell, she read HNHN and use it for OM !. She tries to plan B'ng me now and teach OM to plan B'ng his W !.<p>Never approach OW to confront her !. You could talk to her to exchange information ... probably OW doesn't know that H is married, probably OW thought that you were divorced, probably OW itself is married. However this is almost the last resort ... if your plan A doesn't take any effect on your H then you might want to do that. First and for most, plan 'A your bootie off.<p>Good luck -RH-

Hi All!<p>Monika, Thank you for your words from the Lord. I need to hear those words right now. I need to be reminded all the time. I think everything happens for a reason, and I KNOW the LORD was calling on me, for many reasons. Like I said these changes I need to make needed to be done for a long time. I was also putting off my catholic classes for 3 years now. My H and I wanted to get married in a atholic church ( hes catholic/ Im converting) but I got pregnant. So we did a quickie wedding when I was 7 months pregnant. I still keep putting off these classes, well now Im actually doing it. The ironic thing is the preist told us we have to get remarried in the church after I finish my classes ,confirmation,baptism. The whole process will take a year. Alot can happen between us in a year. I feel too that I have gotten many signs from God. And as for my WH there needed to be many changes made also. I truly believe God is calling on us. Sometimes it has to get really bad for you to get off your but and do the footwork. Everyday seems to be getting a little better. I have been turning my anger over to God and my thoughts. And I continue to move on. Where ever that leads me.I know God is calling on me to make the changes that need to be made ( alot of other changes too) but I just pray my heart out that my H can hear God calling on him too. I really hope he finds his path. He still hasnt gone to confession, when he does, I think thats when I'll know. He would never go to confession if he were still with the OW. When all of this started, the priest wanted to talk w/the both of us. But my H wouldnt go. So I will continue to keep up w/my end and I pray My H will find his way. As for you, WOW! You have alot of faith! Thats so great! If your marriage is what you believe in then you keep hanging in there. I dont think your crazy. I too feel the same way ( of corse there were times I wanted to give up). I told my H I made a commitment to you and to God. I am sticking with my vows. At one point he asked me " why would you stay w/me if I were cheating on you"? I said because "I love You, my love for you is unconditional. And we made a commitment to each other and to God, in front of all of our friends and family. Im not giving up on us. If you want a D then your going to have to do it." And he wont do it. Just like your H. I think he hasnt done it for a reason. You hang in there . Keep strong for what you believe in. Like you said, with God all things are possible.<p>As you can see I feel pretty good today. And I think/hope Im on my way. I need to start feeling better. I know I will still go through many ups and downs but Im going to try and keep my focus. I have to.<p>Unsureheart, Im glad to hear your H doesnt want a D. There is still hope for the two of you. I guess we just have to let them go and find their own path. It just gets hard when your dealing with your anger. Lets try to keep each other strong. We need to let go of the anger so we can start healing. The fact that your H doesnt want a D is such a good sign. Dont give up on your love. Thats good you dont hate him. It will be easier to forgive him. We fell in love with our H's for a reason. There is a wonderful person deep down inside. They just need that fog lifted.I hope your doing good today. I hope I stay feeling good today. Go do something good for yourself today. And when you cant sleep, come on this site. This site has really helped me alot. There are some other stories I found on here that gave me so much more hope. I cant remember the Names, but you should check them out ( if you havent already).<p>RH, I hear ya about being careful or not at all confronting the OW. Honestly I dont want to. When I say the threats Ive said, its all out of anger. And I hope I will never do that again. I want to get to the point where I could deal with it if I ran into her. Or that I could forgive her ( I cant believe I just said that. I must really be feeling good today.) But part of me bettering myself is to become a forgiving,understanding person. I dont want to be bitter. Ive seen those scorned women/men. Its not pretty. And they choose to live like that for as long as they carry their anger. When I think about her I do get very upset. I want to let it go. I dont like feeling this way. But me forgiving her seems soooo far away. I still have alot of anger to deal with. How did you deal with yours? How did you deal with the OP? What kind of advise did Dr. Harley give you? Is it something you think I should do? ( confronting the OW). <p>Well, take care All! I hope you have a good day. It seems we're all getting better everyday. Im glad we have each other. It really helps.
And keep Plan Aing your bootie off! (I like that saying)<p>PI

Glad to hear you're having a better day today PI. The sun is shining and my tulips are up and I will actually see my separated WH tonight. I will try not to LB and just enjoy the evening (even if it is to go over taxes, whoopee).

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by P I:
<strong> ... I still have alot of anger to deal with. How did you deal with yours? How did you deal with the OP? What kind of advise did Dr. Harley give you? Is it something you think I should do? ( confronting the OW).</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I surrender the revenge to the Lord ...
Jer 20:12 - "But, O Lord of the hosts, You who test the rightous, and see the mind and heart,, let me see Your vengeance on them; For I have pleaded my cause before You."
I wait on the Lord ... Psalm 27:14 Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord.
Put God in the center of your life and accept Him as your personal savior so that you could be His children and you could have His promises and gift of salvation ... call Him up .... Psalm 50:15 Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.<p>I received His answer ...With OP, I do a lot of reasearch on OM and found a truck load of dirt on him. Plus I contacted OMW and get all the information ... In art of war, know your enemy so that you could put a plan. By knowing OM I know that this relationship is doom from start and if my WW want to married OM, that is her punishment. OM lied to his tail to OMW and to WW, he had GH and most likey WW has it too by now. OM is 2 Dv, still married and in the process of Dv w/ OMW, cheating numerous times, abusive (verbal & physical), drink heavily, maybe doin coke, no $ since OM is paying supports. My WW rather be with him (insecurities for him going back to OMW) than with my 2 D. I am a single dad since last September, my WW will loose coustody, I have faith in Him and faith in the justice system. Too bad that my WW filed Dv and I told SH that I will not allowed to be cancel. I give my best and she shut the door. Only repentance from her to God that I might consider working on M and I will use SH to validate that. I will let her prove it for 6 months then I will make decision. I would not settle for anything but 100.00%.<p>I did plan A the best I can and no sign of change ... WW even lied to SH about the A. I have no information at all on OM since WW did not even acknowledge it. I met OM to see 1. if they have a plan 2. seek info since I don't know which one is the OM.<p>From your posting, I do not think you should talk to OW. Snoop on her, find out all about her. You could do it fairly easy and cheap via the web. The first priorities are no LB and plan A'ng the best you can. Also this is the time to have peace with our personnal savior so that we know His will.<p>God Bless you -RH-

Thanks everyone,<p>Your replys really help me get through this. You have no idea ( maybe you do ) how much it helps me everyday.<p>Well today is one of those days. I need so much support today. I feel so sad today. I dont even feel anger. Just sad. Is that a good sign? Does sadness come after the anger? Or does it just change all the time? My WH came home late again last night(his old pattern). He did call me on his way home to tell me he stopped by wrestleing practice(he coaches on tues/thurs) and I could hear them in the backround. But do you think I believed him? Heck no! The OW lives right by there. He didnt even have his gear w/him. He probably just ran in there to use the phone so I could hear the backround. Im not stupid. But when he called I made sure not to LB him AT ALL. I WAS SO PROUD OF MY SELF!! Even when he got home. And I really wasnt mad. But I felt hurt. We just carried on like normal but he could tell something was wrong. I just said I was fine. And this morning I feel so sad. I just wish he would completely end it with her. And really give us a fair chance. Its so hard being this strong. Although me not LBing him last night really gave me a little more strength, so I can see how that works. I guess this is all just going to take alot of time and patients. I dont want to hurt anymore. I dont want to be angry anymore. I think Im going to go to church today. I need God right now. Im going to buy some books too.<p>To All: Your words from God mean so much to me. I keep refering back to them. It helps me to remember he is always there for me. Please pray for me today, I need it so bad. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] And I will pray for all of you. <p>God bless you
PI

PI -- You are in my thoughts and prayers today. I know it is so hard, but you did so well not to LB even when you are feeling so sad. I ask every day for God to fill me with grace. You are doing well to not LB.<p>Books also help. I find myself reading when I feel like I am going to cry or completely lose it/like I'm suffocating. It helps calm me down to read words about how others experience this.<p>The other thing I try and do is write down every day the things I am thankful for that day -- my sister, the health of my parents, the way my garden is growing, etc. <p>Be strong.

Hi PI, Sorry you're feeling so down today. I ask the Lord to give you strength day by day, minute by minute. Has your WH said that he has ended it with 'OW? I thought I read that he was wanting to work it out with you? I will just go back and read it again. If you are looking for some books, the two that really helped me were, both by the same author. James Dobson, "Love Must Be Tough" and "When God Doesn't Make Sense"
Both really helped me alot during the hard times.
Funny how every one goes through different stuff though. I was hurt and the anger took 3 years to surface! What I realized at the time was, that I had not forgiven him, as I thought I had. Anger over the sin is perfectly okay, but you know the forgiveness is the most important part, if you can even make the choice to forgive, God will help you, it's not easy to feel like you have. Not just for your WH, but the OW.
Something you need to know is that, she does not understand how wrong she is, but believe me, she will have to face the problem herself one day. The revenge is the Lord's! People that don't know the Lord think of themselves only, not others, therefore she is only thinking of herself!
I always saw the OW as victims, because they will also be hurt by the same guy in the long (or short) of it. I know this from experience. Before I knew the Lord, I went through a time of very little morals, and the most important thing for me was me, I am so grateful to be forgiven, and changed! I care more for others now, and have changed so deeply within, only because of the Lord.
I truly hope that you can find the forgiveness in your heart, you will get through this so much better when you do. Unforgiveness only makes things worse for yourself. I have a picture on my fridge, it is of Jesus holding up a man(modern day, wearing jeans, and a torn t-shirt). The man is broken, and in his hand he is holding a hammer.
I see that man as my H. , Jesus is carrying him.
No matter what the sin, He loves that man! So should we.
I am so glad to have found this site, as it is so hard to find people willing to fight for their marriages, and it gives me hope for marriages in general knowing that there are many standing for them. If you wish to email me, please do, maybe I can share a little deeper. <p>Email addy monikawithak@hotmail.com<p>Til later, God be with you and give you strength!

I registered today and I cannot believe it took me just an instant to find someone who so near completely described the way I feel just by telling her own story. I know exactly what you mean by the "investigation" the insecurities and the deep desire to get on with life and be happy again........ I too can't stop the moods and the drastic change in feelings.... you're right they change like the wind and it just seems to make life so much harder....one minute I will belive in him and us and the next I am petrufied that he will do it all over again....just when things start to get better again....... It is so terrifying......

Hey Tryingmybest, hang in there, it will get better one day...
Monika<p>[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: Monika ]</p>

HI EVERYONE!<p>Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. You have helped me in many ways.
Although I just dont know anymore. I feel like I want to jump to plan be already. I dont know if I can handle plan A anymore. I cant just let my WH lie to me and see/talk to the OW with out getting upset(sometimes I feel like thats what he wants. for me to be the one to end it. pushing my buttons). The only way I feel like I can stay and handle it is if I completely shut him out. I cant keep allowing him to hurt me. I feel like me trying to stay in plan A is only hurting me. Its torture. It would be different if my H were trying more and not treating me like a piece of poop. Hes still playing his stupid games and totaly lying to me. Should I jump to Plan B? Or should I try to just act as if Im in Plan B ( given my financial/living situation. No job, No family except two sisters that really have no room, up rooting my kids). Last night I started to act as if, and I started to feel stronger. By this morning I felt more focused and stronger. The more I learn about my H ,the more I feel like I dont want to be with someone like this. And does he really want to be with me or is he just staying because he thinks he will get screwed if he leaves? The only problem with me thinking like this , is that it brings the anger back but part of me feels better, stronger. And the other part of me loves my H unconditionaly and wants to see us get through this and know that we can. I dont know what to believe or think anymore. Something is feeling right about plan B. Im trying not to be blind about my WH. He has lied to me sooooo bad that I dont know what to believe anymore. Like I said before, before he was busted he was willing to end our marriage with no intentions on leaving the OW. And there is so much, so many details to his A that I cant let go. He took his A really far. He was living a double life. Should I not focus on the details or should I take them into consideration?<p>Help me Friends! <p>P I

Forgot to mention, I have been totaly LBing ( so hard to control it when I know hes seeing her). Havent really been meeting his ENs. He says this has nothing to do with her, its about us. And I say, so then why dont you end it with her so we can start working on us? He says he has ened it "IN HIS OWN WAY"(Still contact). And I know my LBing has pushed him to her even more. SO WHY CANT I STOP?! Maybe we would be better off not living under the same roof?

HI PI, the struggles you are going through now are terrible, but my conviction would be not to go to plan B, unless the Lord leads you to do so.
Pray that the Lord will give you a sign, He will do that, I have received signs and that is why I am still hangin' in there. If the Lord wants you to go to plan B, maybe you could pray that he leads your WH to move out, that would be a pretty clear sign. If your H is still wanting to stay, according to God's Word, you should let him. There is no need to uproot your children. If he decides to leave, you should stay where you are, he would have to help you financially, and I know the Lord will provide what ever you need. But please, don't provoke him to leave, if he is meant to the Lord will take care of it. I will continue to pray that his heart will be softened and that he will see the mess of his life and that he will repent, turning his life to Jesus.
As hard as it is for you, please don't give up, Jesus didn't give up on us, and knowing what I was like before, I would have expected Him to, but He didn't because His love is unconditional! Praise God! You know, He has given me a love for my H that I didn't know was possible. No matter how much pain he put me through, (and there was alot), I love him more now than ever, and that kind of love can only be from the Lord!
I know that God will give you that same kind of love for your WH, but we need to go through the fire first. Don't give in to what the devil wants. And continue to pray for your H. Whenever you feel like LB'ing, go to another room and pray. Keep on keepin' on, you will make it!
Monika

Thanks Monika,<p>I really needed that. I need to be reminded everyday ( seems like every minute) that i can trust in the lord and he will take care of this. When I think about the devils work it really makes me not want to give up. Because I know thats what he wants. If we get through this, this will be the first relationship I havent given up on and the first relationship I had to work so hard at. I know I need to try and hang in there. Im just tired of being hurt. So Im not going to let him hurt me anymore (or try to).
I have to stay strong and focused. And I will continue to ask the Lord for signs and guidence. Im so confused. And Ive learned that you shouldnt make any rash decisions when you are confused. So I will keep that and all your words in mind. <p>Thank you so much for your prayers. It means more to me than you know. I may sound ok now, but we'll see in a few. I m sick of this rollercoaster! <p>Thanks again and God Bless you too.<p>PI

Hi PI -- From experience I can tell you that you should NOT push for a separation yet. I had this mistaken impression (before finding MB) that something like that would be enough of a crisis to get him to "snap out of it" and it was before I found out about the A for sure -- I just knew he was being a complete jerk to me and I couldn't take it anymore. While the separation has kept me from being angry, I think it also may have prolonged the A and let him live his secret life a bit easier. If I had to do it over again, I would not have asked him to leave.<p>It's been difficult, but not impossible, not having him around and his individual therapy has been going well and helping him. He still sees the OW at work although he swears they no longer have a physical relationship.<p>Don't do anything hasty -- I'm the queen of that and have lived to regret it a few times. You can be patient and you can do plan A as long as you know it is not forever. You will know when it is time for him to go -- it is when there are no more feelings of love.