I'm in plan B and I need advice on how to explain the seperationt/affair to others. Dr. Harley has stated that the affair should be brought to light by telling everyone about it. The main reason being that in the light it will die. But he doesn't explain how this should be done. I'm sure there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way. I'm concerned about the following: <p>1. I will continue to be blamed for all of his misery especially once the affair is made public by me.
2. Will this information get back to my son?
3. Doesn't this make reconciliation harder?
4. I have recently gotten very angry about the whole affair/blame/lies etc. And since he has left, I have felt the need to protect him go away.
So, I have very vengeful feelings - I can probably do considerable damage to either his or her careers since they have done very inappropriate things in the work place.<p>Please give me some advice as to what works or didn't work - or what one might have done differently because of regrets.<p>Thank you.

Dear Local,<p>Public. Well that has various stages. For me protection was important. Building my personal support group was very important for our protection. So for me I went public by telling my friends, family and some at work. <p>I was also having anxiety attacks at work, in the store, at home and even driving the car. The OW had at one point threatened to declare me 'unfit' and have the WS take my son away from me. <p>In that light, I gave some info to some people. Even my child was made aware that if a strange lady who looked like (gave him a brief description/name) and then told him to ask for ID. If such a person came that he could refuse to go. I also told the daycare and the school. <p>Believe it or not, most took it in stride. Schools, daycares, even those around me had already experienced it in one form or anothers. Of course the close relatives and friends were shocked but still they all were supportive. Even my cousin took the time to talk with the WS and was making some headway until the PBR (OW) twisted his mind again. <p>So making it public has it's pros and con. Revengeful was not my reason and still is not. Enabling the A is also not something I choose to do. <p>Did you get this info directly from Steve H?<p>L.

Go public but how you do it depends upon you. <p>I told a group of our friends (while she was seeing OM!) and she is angry with me for telling! Somehow I've ruined her character and "made it impossible for me to want to come back".<p>That's a cop out and don't let your spouse try to blame you for letting the cat out of the bag. It was your spouse's decision to have an affair, not you. Besides, once one or two people know, everyone will hear about it.<p>I feel better that I've told our friends and I don't regret it anymore (I was guilt tripped for a bit by WS initially but quickly got thru it)<p>Good luck and God bless

You can never really go wrong with a letter to those you wish to know. A letter does not require their simpathy or response.

Your children do need to know at least a little bit about what is going on if you are seperated. If they are old enough to understand, they should know the truth as well. My parents never told me the truth of their divorce (infidelity) and I resented their lack of honesty with me later in life. You don't want your child to harbor those feelings toward you.

Thank you all for your responses.<p>About the affair. I believe I will go with a letter and just keep it factual and not inflamatory. You were right Orchid, protection should be the goal, not revenge...but at the same time, I refuse to enable the A by keeping this secret.<p>Mr. Bunky, thanks for the child's persepective...we are seperated and my son is 6. He continues to let us know his feelings about the situation, which is he does not like it! I will be completely honest with my son as he grows old enough to ask questions and understand. The other reason why I hesitate here is that we haven't decided to divorce yet.<p>I have already told my immediate family and a few close friends, but all of the reactions are about what is to be expected...dump H now. It's hard not to listen to this advice especially when I get so angry about the whole thing. But, I will stick to my guns and try Plan B out for a little while...but like the book says, we all have our breaking point.<p>Thanks again,
L.

local - what type of relationship do you have with your inlaws? After I learned of the A, my MIL became my closest friend. I spoke with her an average of an hour each day (I burned through 1600 minutes of phone cards in about a month). Your inlaws may ba a source of strength. I would often ask my MIL to provide me with encouragement to stick it out. On those days when I felt like ending the relationship and filing for divorce, I would often call her and ask for reassurance. I am very glad I did.

Hey Local,<p>How are U doing?!?!? <p>L.

This is interesting. Most of my family found out from my sister who was babysitting for me at the time. (and I did NOT tell her) His family knows nothing. I was into this "I don't want to tell anyone to protect you" thing, but maybe that was not right?<p>now that he says he is committed to the marriage is it still important for people to know. I have almost let it slip to his family a few times, but I know it would have been in spite cause they think he is so wonderful and I am a witch and don't treat him well. So I refrained from the LB. *shrug*