Hello all!
I just turned on the computer to log on to the MB site and took out my son's Builder Bob CD-rom in the drive. It is called " Can we fix it?" How IRONIC... Maybe we one of these for failing marriages...<p>I'm in the need for a some advice from any of you out there.
Here's my situation in brief. A month ago I discovered that my W was involved in her third A (that I am aware of...). This time a virtual EA. I am not totally aware their status, currently, but maybe it doesn't matter so much anyway. (He was married and wasn't really interested in taking it any further.) Immediately following this discovery my W stated (again) in counseling that she hasn't had any feelings for me and wants to separate (the last round was just over a year ago. Anyway, my W is leaving for 6 weeks tomorrow for an internship to an island in the middle of the Baltic Sea (we live in Sweden now).
I've spent the past month in a decent form of Plan A (I've done this before), but today my W went of the attack that I've been very distant over the past few days. She was keenly interested in talking (arguing) with me about my poor behavior. At first I tried to not get dragged into a serious discussion with her, knowing that it could lead to many LBers, but eventually we had had about a 45 minute conversation on us.
In order (again) for me to express any thoughts about how I felt about our relationship, it was necessary to express how much I wanted to hold things together, and how our situation is soooo typical and can be helped. It is the last thing she wants to hear. She just plain wants out now!!!
Q: Was I wrong to speak how I felt, or what my intentions of saving the marriage are during this rather fragile period? When one is dragged into a conversation, it's hard not to compare our specific situation to the so many others out there. I think it sounds to our WSs that we are preaching to them, and it makes them feel they are wrong...(which isn't the complete truth). Any thoughts? Can reading, hanging out on this site, etc. be a hindrance?<p>Also, Is holding to a strong Plan A in my best interest while she is away?<p>Feedback welcome. Sorry for the sketchy background on my situation; I didn't want to be long-winded...<p>
Sweden

Sweden
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Q: Was I wrong to speak how I felt, or what my intentions of saving the marriage are during this rather fragile period? When one is dragged into a conversation, it's hard not to compare our specific situation to the so many others out there. I think it sounds to our WSs that we are preaching to them, and it makes them feel they are wrong...(which isn't the complete truth). Any thoughts? Can reading, hanging out on this site, etc. be a hindrance?</strong><hr></blockquote>
It depend how you pour your heart out, no judgement, no demand, no anger ... just pure fact it is good. You need to communicate your feeling and be honest. Read the Laguage of Love, it might help you out. Reading and hangin out for you is good, this site might be the only support you have. For WW, I am against it for now. In the fog she will take it personally and for some devious WW like mine, she learn more about ENs and use it as OW to OM to break up his marriage. My WW turns OW from hell, very skillfull taker and giver, OM top 5 ENs are met completely.<p>One thing on your post that rise a red flag, if she is still angry about your poor behavior, did you fix it as part of your plan A ?. Listen, listen and listen to what she says ... those are the basis for your plan A.<p>Yes, there are many of us plan A from far.<p>-RH-

RH,
Thanks for the advice. I would say that what came out in our discussion yesterday was a combination of stating the facts and a (tiny) bit of judgement, although I think it was done in a manner that was calm and collective. One gets good at these things after round three.<p>It is a bit difficult trying to formulate a well-tailored Plan A at this because I think she is still in some sort of fog (or she is really mad at me for the fact that I threatened to contact the OM's W if they didn't break off their virtual A. I don't know if it worked, but the OM sounded a bit scared when I spoke with him on the phone.)<p>Anyway, my W at present feels everything is done, and she has no ambition to work on it. I guess I must guess. Yes, I have some ideas how to proceed.This is the same as she said over a year back, but one feels that one only has so many chances to get it right. Living in Sweden, I am also in a culture that does NOT value marriage and long term commitments. <p>My W left today for a 6 week internship: I can only hope that this will give her some time to tink, and some opportunity to be away from the negative influences here. <p>I'll look into the book. It is not easy to get books here because if the importation taxes. It about triples the price! Any other must reads???<p>In the meantime, I'll be working on myself and having some fun with parenting!<p>
Sweden [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Sweden,<p>Follow 4 guidelines for negotiation. It helps.<p>There is a book list and reviews check this notable posts[/b]. I could underst...URL=http://www.amazon.com]www.amazon.com will ship to your country, I think they do but then again the problem is tax. Can't help you with that.<p>However going over MB sites will take you probably good several weeks ... start w/ basic concept then Q&A then General Welcome.<p>Hang in there -RH-<p>[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>