Hi everyone, Im new here and I have read all of the basic concepts from this site.<p>I separated early this month, rented my own place due to my W's EA/PA. Now, I just found out the OM moved out of state and now my W wants to be close with me again. I was just beginning to detach from her by keeping busy every day, now I am getting weak. I am on plan B this month. Would this be a good opportunity for me to make deposits, by doing that is makes me feel like second choice. We have been married for over 10 days, we have 2 young children together. How long should someone be on plan B before they are ready to rebuild the marriage? Im just trying to get some help because I have been very confused. I dont want her to think that she can just do something so thoughtless and she can just have me back...

One should be in Plan B until the WS agrees to severa all contact with OP, and agrees to follow the plan for rebuilding. <p>Link to follow... read this article...<p>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html<p>Kathi<p>[ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</p>

I didnt write a plan B letter to her. I wanted to move away from the deceptions and madness and I did. Should I consider her as just a friend and the mother of my children (that is what Im doing now). She is asking if she can come to my place and reminds me periodically that we are still married. She still havent confess to the A, but I know for a fact it happened. Im also waffling if I want to still be with her at this time, but I know making mistakes is just being human. During plan B, should I be cold to her and just associate with each other on behalf of the children, or should I be mature and still be 'friends' with her. I seriously do not want to be hurt again. <p>Thank you all for your help.

In Plan B you should have NO contact at all with her...perhaps you should review your plan.<p>Have you read the info on the "General Welcome" post on the "JUST FOUND OUT" section of this forum...I think there is some info ther that might be helpful<p>[ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</p>

I'll be honest with you...<p>...move back to Plan A...
...for yourself...
...for your kids...
...for your marriage!<p>You don't go to Plan B... unitl you realize your marriage is nearly over...
...not because you want to punish your W.<p>Read Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.) and Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.) and Plan B - 201...<p>...really read all threee!<p>...then you'll see... Plan A is the way to go!
...and you went prematurely to Plan B.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

You need to communicate to your wife that she has hurt you with her affair and that you are not ready to consider having a relationship with her at this time. It is up to her to show you that she is remorseful for her actions. If she is still lying to you and is not ready to accept responsibility than she is still showing disrespect for you. Tell her that you know that the OM left her but that you will not accept being choice#2. Furthermore, she needs to show that she has her head together by going to a therapist and/or marriage counsellor. Play hard to get. If she really is remorseful and wants you back she will work hard to earn your trust back. Action counts louder than words. Best wishes

I doing plan A and B together and Im doing well other than these moments i feel like not giving up on the M.<p>We had a talk last night, I did most of the talking and W just listened. Im trying to be gentle and not push her to talk until i feel she is more ready otherwise i feel it wouldnt do much good. I have compassion for her pain. Im thinking now to just going to plan A and B together. Give it some time, spend some quality time with the kids, still be friends with W. I told her I do not want S as part of our R right now b/c I dont want to put my emotions out there and get hurt again. She agreed. I will put everything on god's hands. I did an early plan B but it really minimized the period of pain when I was in the middle of the lies and deceptions. Plan B early helped my spirits tremendously. I was falling apart at home watching my W trying to juggle two men; i wanted to give her some freedom.<p>Love you all for your responses.

i am sorry to say this but I don't see any reason why you should feel compassionate toeward your wife's grief over the end of her affair. She was an active participant to the point of moving in with the OM. You were the victim of all the lies and betrayal. There was no compassion from her when she was tearing you apart emotionally. If she is grieving over her OM that is too bad. Look at it as her just reward for breaking the marital vows. In fact, I would look at her grieving as another betrayal of your marriage. My advice to you is to stop being the victim and allowing her to manipulate you into taking her back without any guarantee that she will not do this to you again. If she wants to return to the marriage there must be steps that should be required for to take that will earn your trust back. Sit down with an attorney and a counsellor to help you put together an agreement for her to follow with some kind of penalty if she breaks it.
Unless she shows that she is remorseful and is willing to work her butt off to make up for what she did the chances are that she will likely cheat again if opportunity arises.