First of all... I am new here. I have been browsing this amazing web site long and hard for over 2 months and never found the forums. I guess I haven't been able to really dig too much.<p>2ndly, I rspect the advice I have seen here. I sent the link to H and he read some of it, liked some of it, applied *some* of it. Which did at first bring some nice changes to make things more the way they used to be before the OW, but I am growing tired and cold-hearted.<p>Here's the brief thing about me and my situation. I am a SAHM and my husband works. We have been tight on money but able to afford things we need basically. But to conserve some of the transportation costs of the daily commute to work he carpooled. Used to be with a guy who lived in the same city, then when he quit he started carpooling with two women who lived in neighboring cities. I know... I was leary from the beginning since my neighbor's husband cheated on her with a woman he carpooled with. Anyways, that went on for over a year. <p>My H was having major depression issues. He was on medication he did not take consistantly, and I was going through PPD from our 2nd child (my 5th child, but 2nd from our marriage). I had talked about divorce due to his lack of concern for our family anymore and lack of commitment to getting help for his depression. He basically acted like he wanted his single lifestyle back and I was prepard to give it to him to spare my children his wild behavior.<p>So I went to school.... and he began serious behavioral changes that made me concerned. I found out I was pregnant again, and decided I loved him enough to try very hard to make it work. Unfortunately even though he claimed to want the same, he didn't. Little did I know he was growing closer and closer to OW. He would come home and avoid everyone, just sit at his pc and play games. I could not connect with him. Talking was a joke. <p>There was a company trip we had known about for almost a year, that we originally wanted to go to together. The trip was to Switzerland for his company's 50th anniversary. Well all his carpool buddies went. And the premise for the whole trip was to sleep with OW. *sigh* I thought something was wrong beforehand. He was working out, which he never did.... and he was never calling at lunch and all the things he did seemed very different.<p>So the A happened. I guess all along I knew it would, but felt I wouldn't have been able to stop it. He TOLD me he was going and went without me. He didn't call once on his 5 day trip even to see if I was ok or the boys were. When he got home I was upset he didn't call but thankful he was alive. The next 3 weeks things seemed pretty good. Our sex life was back. My pregnancy was ok... and I kept asking to make it work with little committment from him. By the 3rd week I had to go to the dr for some serious issues. I had a STD an the dr feared the contractions I had were going to make me miscarry our child. So I confronted him... and told him this medication will be VERY necissary if something did happen. Finally after 3 weeks of questioning the TRUTH! He loved her.... been with her.... etc. I demanded the carpooling end. We talked and being that the OW is married also, he decided he should try to make us work.<p>He still works with her. After reading this site, I asked repeatedly for him to please look for another job. But he claims he loves this job an would rather stay if possible. He says she is not an issue, but I feel something is still holding him back. I feel threatened daily by OW. She is there and sees him during smoke breaks, which by the way began as a method of them to spend more time together at work. He will not consistantly tell me when he sees her or if he talks to her cause he feels I will be upset by it. <p>I have done almost everything possible to make things work. I never unleashed LB on him after finding out the truth. Sometimes I make comments that I shouldn't and I have avoided that more and more lately. I have found out what his needs are and have done from his opinion a good job of meeting them. He told me he feels our marriage is a 90%. Then how come I feel like a 10 - 20%?! <p>A little progress has been made on his part. He is doing more little things a little more often. But getting him to discuss feelings is horrible. He seems mended and I feel horribly shattered still. <p>We had our 4th yr anniversary, and he planned a fairly romantic night. I had a bad day, looked forward to the evening, but he was generally apathetic towards providing me with affection. So all his efforts to surprise me were in vain. I was happy with his effort, but upset with his lack of affection. Which still fuels some serious frustration on my end. I have decided to stop being affectionate to him cause I feel I do not get enough for myself. I do not know what I am doing wrong, but lately more and more my heart is growing cold to him....<p>I was trying to avoid a divorce because I still loved him, but now I have serious questions about just doing it.<p>I am sorry this isn't as short as I wanted it to be. I'm not in a very good place in my head lately and I needed a place to unload.<p>thanks if you made it this far...<p>EDIT= I should have mentioned, but my emotional state left too much, I have been doing PLAN A basically since October 2001 when things were radically bad and I wanted to fix things. Basically a few weeks before admission of the truth. Our son was born 2 months ago and so the pregnancy is not a serious issue anymore.<p>Around end of November early December he said he wanted to work on the marriage. He did, minimally, probably more due to not letting go of OW then lack of wanting to work it out with me. We had lots of talks about most of the nasty stuff you hate talking about and hate even worse knowing. Most of that was resolved to some satisfaction. When the baby was born things improved and didn't. He found out that I DID meet his EN and was content, and claimed he loved me and planned on staying if I would have him. <p>I have been busting my [censored] off to make the marriage work. To provide the needs he valued most. Which seems appropriately enough to be SF, RC, and he likes praise for doing things and appreciation. Like I said... he feels the work he gets from me makes him think the marriage is at an amazing 90%. Plan A Worked!<p>I guess here's my real question, that I didn't so elloquently present yesterday.... Plan A is a success, meaning the WS wants to try to make the marriage work and has recommitted to our M and family. Unfortunately, I find myself miserable still. WHY????! I am pretty sure it is because H does not meet my EN and is not filling the love bank with adequate deposits. Which is why I am frustrated. If plan A is so good for him, then what am I doing wrong? Is his constant running into the OW at work and having casual conversation as big an issue as I make of it? I keep emphasizing that it needs to stop... or he needs a new job. Is that a LB demand? Can a marriage go forward with the OW constantly around? <p>We talked last night. I told him very calmly, because my emotions for him are wearing thin, I needed more affection from him. I needed to HEAR from him that he noticed and liked all the efforts I had made and the things I did I was not doing in vain. I told him... "I am telling you this because if you do not know what is wrong then you could do little to fix it". And I finished the talk off with all the 'wonderful' things I appreciated him doing... and things about him that make me happy. That took about 10 mins. He was shocked. Oddly enough we had a very affectionate 30 mins after that where we held eachother. I liked that, but my heart isn't into this like it should be. <p>Any feedback would be appreciated. I talked to H about the phone counseling... and we may do that. The fee is a little hard to scrape together, but I also realize that you cannot put a price on saving a good marriage that had just been neglected. <p>Jen<p>[ April 30, 2002: Message edited by: hokeewife ]
Edit<p>[ April 30, 2002: Message edited by: hokeewife ]</p>
