Over a month ago I found out that W is having an affair with a MM (10 years older). We have two boys a toddler and a baby (mine). She does not want to give him up. She initially tried to make us work, but now has quit. <p>I have been trying Plan A unsuccessfully because I keep finding out that she is lying about seeing OM. It worked great for about two weeks and we both began to have feelings for each other. Until I found out that she was still seeing and talking to OM. <p>I have been very understanding. I have not said a single unkind word to her. She says I am crazy and should have left in the beginning. She does not think we can work and she says she has no feelings for me. My life is a mess. I can't seem to concentrate long enough to get any work done and I have dropped 10 pounds. I have been telling her I am on a diet, but I do not have a desire to eat.<p>I have been spying on her by keeping track of car mileage, looking at incoming and outgoing calls on her cell, and anything else I can think of. She has just figured out all my tactics because I keep using them to catch her in lies. I guess I am not too good at this Plan A thing. She is now mad, confused, numb, and would like to kick me out.<p>I feel that I am to blame about this whole mess because I stopped giving her emotional needs after our first son. Our son always had ear infections and I poured my heart and soul into him at a high cost. She was not getting her emotional needs filled by me, so she ended up having her emotional needs fulfilled by a MM.<p>I want us to work because I feel she is a wonderful woman. She completes who I am as a person and has made me a much better man. I would not be as successful or fulfilled in live if it was not for her. I guess this is how I got into this mess because I became too happy and complacent. She is very attractive, very smart, fun, and energetic. I need her and I love her with all my heart. We were great together.<p>Write now I think she may be manipulating me to buy her some time until OM is divorced. She has very strong and intense feelings for him.<p>I do not know how much longer I can take this pain. I want all the pain to go away. There is nothing worse than loving someone and getting no love in return. Because I am a giver, I have givin my heart and soul to my wife and family and I have lost my identity. I do not know who I am. I need help from anyone who can give it. I do not know how anyone can deal with this any more than a few months. Please help!<p>I guess I will continue Plan A and I will no longer bring up OM or try to spy. I may be able to stand that another month or so.<p>Thanks for all of your ears.

A few months... LOL... try nine.<p>I sure remember reading here last year that folks had been doing this stuff two months... three... six... a year! two years... and thought, no way could I hold on that long...<p>...but I did.<p>Here is a synopsis... you can do a search on my member # for more of the story... I have posted under other names... mostly other versions of Cali... my first was InShockInCal... cause I was, so 'in shock' I thought I'd die.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Last year I was in the depths of despair. I cried constantly. I couldn't eat. I couldn't think. I couldn't work.
My H wasn't in love with me and told me that he wanted to be with her .<p>My whole world was upside down.<p>I went up and down. I was depressed. I was angry. I was f*****g ANGRY! I wanted to cause her as much pain as I was in. <p>I negotiated. I demanded. I begged. I pleaded. I cried. <p>I prayed. I found hope. <p>I read. I learned. I made life-long changes in my behavior and attitude.<p>I grew. I became strong. I discovered I could live with or without him. I loved him, but I wasn't willing to be part of a harem. We were either married or not. I started moving on. Less clinging. Less despair. Less crying.<p>No more begging. No more pleading. No threats.
I stuck up for myself without putting him down. I set my boundaries. I meant them.<p>I began really talking to him. Our talks didn't disintegrate into fights, but melted into intimacy.<p>Slowly he started reaching out to me. Slowly. So slowly I thought it would never happen. So slowly I had doubts. Maybe we should just separate and divorce. Then, he would make a move toward me... shreds of hope. I lived on shreds of hope.<p>This morning my FWH and I made love (first time I have used the F)... and we kissed... we really, really, really kissed. I could feel it down to my toes. The man who for so long slept away from me, with his face turned away from me... who moved his face when I went to kiss him... He kissed me! <p>And, before he left the house for work, he sought me out to give me a goodbye kiss. (usually I chased him out the door).<p>OMG. OMG. He's really back. My Husband is back. <p>I am so overwhelmed.<p><hr></blockquote><p>But welcome to MB... this site was a tremendous help to me... without it and God, I doubt I'd be where I am.<p>The JustFoundOut forum has a 'General Welcome,' 'Noteable Posts,' and a thread regarding the smilies and acronyms...<p>There is more traffic in General Questions, so you might consider posting there as well.<p>Good luck,
Cali

dreamland:<p>Welcome to MB. And like others welcoming new members, I have to say I'm very sorry you had to come here!!<p>I went through all the emotions you talk about, even thought I'd never make it through this alive. I still don't know for certain what's going to happen to us, but things are improving between us considerably. <p>You will become stronger, as Cali has pointed out. You might "casually" suggest to your W, next time she asks you why you haven't moved out, why doesn't she move out? After all, she's the one destroying her M and family by having an A with a MM. Does she honestly think that, while she's doing this, SHE'D be the better parent to your son?<p>About the snooping. I don't do it much anymore. It was making me crazy. Also, WS can get pretty clever at hiding their activities if they really want to. What they can't hide so well is their irrational thinking (coming out in nonsensical statments or judgements about YOU), or their detatchment from the BS. As you get yourself in better and better shape over the next few months, you'll be able to see this more and more. Eventually, you may not need to snoop at all. And, once you're dealing with YOUR self-esteem and recognize you will survive this, you'll be able to take the next step - whether that means being there as a "new and improved H" or moving to Plan B (with possibility of DV) if she doesn't end the A on her own. <p>It really does get better, dreamland! Hang in there!