Things are looking pretty gloomy. I am grateful for the information I received from you good posters about computer software that allows "spying" while WH is on the internet. I found a disgusting cache of emails, chats and pornography.<p>At this point, I feel WH is so lost in his world of sexual misconduct, that there is very little point in Plan B. WH has several partners now, not one, as in the traditional A. <p>In a way, I truly feel sorry for him. He is living a dual life, trying to live the respectable life with me and the kids (when he is home, which is only half the time) and then meeting up with unsavory people when he is away from home, engaging in reckless sexual behavior, contrary to our religious beliefs and the beliefs of any sane man. He must be mentally sick. And addicted. It's a tragedy. He is a brilliant man.<p>Well, I've been deceived long enough. I have enough records, probably, for a divorce lawyer to help me secure custody of the kids. I worry about finances, but at this point, almost anything would be better than living with the lies.<p>I have a couple of recommendations for attorneys. I need to follow up and see about initial fees and all that.<p>My question here today for the board is, do I confront WH with the evidence I have gathered, separate and do a rigorous Plan B? Or do I cut my losses and leave? If (and it's a big "if" for as deeply embedded WH is in his problems) I Plan B and IF WH should decide he wants to change (not his nature, he is a proud man) what are our chances for a real recovery?<p>Sorry to add gloom and doom to the board. You all have always been good to me. This seems my last card to play . . .<p>Thanks.

asgoodasitgets,<p>There are a ONS A, a SoulMate A and then a Sexual Addictions A. IMVHO, If you have done plan A, do not waste your sacrifices ... follow it w/ plan B. Of course the big question is ... do you still to work on M ?. I know it is very shocking on what WS could do and bankrupt your LB$ and probably foreclose your account [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] . However you have to post the question to yourself ... if H turn around from his Sexual Addiction, do you want to have him still ?.<p>Remember this is the dangerous of snooping. This information is for you to check your progress of your plan A ... not to bail out from it. If you know enough, stop snooping ... to protect your LB$, overwhelm you with the same information over and over will forclose your LB$. Remember this man, the father of your kids, this man you love him ... he is sick and need your love, understanding and help. You might have to move on at some point but not with the reason of those information. You move on when there is no hope for H to repent ... pray to the Lord to give you strength and wisdom to save your M. Yes, you have a blank check to Dv based on adultery but in HIS eyes ONS or multiple A or addictions are the same ... it is a sinful act.<p>IMVHO, you need professional guidance to guide you every step of the way to recover your M and to make sure that you could have fullfilling M. Get MB conseling.<p>God Bless you & pray to be able to see HIS plan for you. -RH-

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 09:49 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thanks to Redhat and Hanora. Appreciate very much your insight. You brought up some valid concerns, Redhat. I hadn't thought of the connection between spying and lovebank depletion. I do, of course, have many fond memories of the years with WH. A person is indeed the sum total of his behaviors, not just the ones we don't like. I do want to be fair to him.<p>I agree that I need to proceed cautiously. I guess I still don't know if I should approach WH and give him a Plan B and the time to think over what he wants to do (which means letting him know I know what he is doing and has done for years) or whether or not I really can believe he can change, wants to change, and if I can accept living with him again.<p>I can't even approach the concept of forgiveness yet.<p>Thanks for your input. And to you, Hanora, always good to give me something to think about. Are you in the UK or Canada? Your spelling made me wonder.<p>Thanks. I'll see IC soon and keep you posted on progress here.<p>God bless.

asgoodasitgets,<p>Still proceed w/ your attorney, to see your right and to protect you and your kid legally and financially.<p>Take a break from snooping, take a mini vacation from him and probably from the kid too ... next weekend is mom's day [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] , you could take weekend off from all of this and away from your family. Do not take a quick decision, let it pass for awhile and re-evaluate it again.<p>You have to heal first from this "hurt" before you could approach forgiveness ... you are right about that. Let it pass for now, let time & prayer healed you. How do you fight evil ? you stare at him point blank and show the opposite by doing good !. Show H your love despite his bad side, just let him know that you know what he did and spell out his password. Don't tell H detail or anything else about how you get it, just tell him that you get it by guessing. Let him know that in everyone there is a good side and a bad side. You are willing to work on M and helping him in his addiction but continuing his action will result in loss of your love for him. No demand, no judgement, just fact and pour it from your heart. Read the language of love, it is excelent communication book. Give it a thought and get advice from your IC.<p>May God show HIS grace through you to shine upon your H fog. Amen. -RH-

Thanks, Redhat, for your kindness and wisdom. I appreciate very much your perspectives centered in faith. I'm with you there, but can only hope I am up to the challange. Tough days ahead, and God bless.

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hanora, you're always good to give me a boost. Thanks. The weekend away sounds impossible, not only because it's against my nature, but also because WH will be home for Mother's Day. He's always there for the important days, and it's funny how he uses that stratagy to point out what a good dad and husband he is. Well, it isn't going to work anymore. The hardest part is, when he is home, we fall into old ways, old patterns. I have to really work on preparing myself for a new way of communicating. Like Redhat described, where I calmly explain what I know and its impact.<p>I have found a good attorney, as many advised. I haven't called him yet, but I am almost ready to. It is a huge step for me. Not that it means there is no going back, but because it reinforces for me how REAL this all is. That is what has been hardest for me. That is why the software that showed WH's internet activity was so important for me. I had to SEE something. WH's dual life is so complete, so perfected, that I still find it all unbelievable at times.<p>It's an impossible, incredible situation.<p>Thanks, as always, for listening, Hanora. God bless.

Good Luck. If you think you still want him, Plan B might be worthwhile. But seeing a lawyer is a very good idea. You do need to protect yourself and your children.
If you confront him with his behavior, it might be good to do it in conjunction with Plan B. Write a Plan B letter, telling him you love him, that you have fond memories, but you can't continue in contact with someone who is engaged in such risky and demeaning behavior.
Remember,we'd expect that a wife whose H was an alcoholic would confront him with evidence of his addiction. Shouldn't it be the same for your H who has a sex addiction?

Sorry about the change of subject. I'm new to the list. What kind of sofware. How does it work.