This is my first post and I really need some advice. Sorry if it's long, I'll try to be brief.<p>First the facts:<p>I have been married 12 years in a marriage that was outwardly solid and stable but that had grown cold. My wife and I are very good friends but our intimate life was always disastrous. In June of 2001 we relocated to another country which was a huge move for us, away from her family but for which she was a suprisingly supportive. Not long after, I discovered that her motivation had been to move closer to her lover who lives in the city we now live in.<p>He is a work colleague of mine that she had met once at an international meeting we attended and had been carrying on an e-relationship with for 4 months. (I later discovered the e-mails and they were already discussing marriage!!)<p>Soon after we arrived here I discovered the affair. Her first reaction was to cling to me promising she would end it. I stayed and it didn't end. We went through 2 months of hell with her lying, and cheating. She was totally addicted to the affair, yet couldn't make the break from me. I was in shell-shock, completely suprised and too confused to leave myself, hoping it would all just go away. I cajoled, I pleaded, I threatened, I exploded, I did everything wrong.<p>In August she left and went back home to the country we had come from with one son (6), away from us both. I stayed with the other son (8). We had no plan, other than knowing this was an impossible situation. She went to counselling. I grew colder, stronger and got ready to move on. In October she began writing begging forgiveness and pleading to come back. I lashed out with all my wrath, wanting to make her pay, but secretly wanting her back desperately. Finally we played that out and in December she returned to a tearful reunion.<p>We went straight back into our old habits. No plan, no strategy, no understanding of what we were doing wrong. I gradually softened and began really believing it would work. She gradually got colder believing it wouldn't. Finally she met him casually. Immediately it blew up. She wouldn't let me near her. She was claiming she had to be honest and while she still had these feelings for him, she couldn't touch me. She resisted him for 3 weeks however, but finally couldn't any longer. She told me, I blew up, she moved out. It's been 2 weeks.<p>Now the feelings:<p>I now know that I was not a good husband and largely brought this on myself. Although our relationship coasted along with no major traumas, very early on I grew cold and closed and didn't give or open up to any love at all. She was not much better. She also didn't know how to give or take love. The bizarre part is that we are uncommingly compatible in every other way. We have the most gorgeous kids and were looked on as a model family by everyone outside. We spent a good part of that time working together intensely in our own business and got on perfectly well. We went through some very good and very bad times and survived them with ease, always knuckling down and supporting one another. She is my best friend and I hers.<p>The part that was missing was the affection and principally the sex. This was always disastrous. We used to go through the motions with no intimacy or affection. At first I was very dissappointed that it was so bad, but then I grew to accept it and thought that was how it was in marriage. I never contemplated leaving and I assumed she did the same. She didn't.<p>I now know that she was eaten up by it but could never express this to me. She yearned for some romantic love and I, simply closed down that side of me. Finally along came someone who paid her some attention and who offered to fulfill those emotional needs that I wasn't fulfilling and she dived in head first. She became addicted.<p>Ironically, we have just lately had the most intimate caring conversations of our lives. We have both opened up completely and clearly understand where we went wrong. I found this site and for the first time really believe that perhaps there could be a chance if we could start following some of this advice. Unfortunately my timing is completely wrong because now she's wallowing in the A again. Then golly if 2 days ago she doesn't send me the most amazing e-mails telling me how much she misses me and dreaming of us going back home, having another child.... But when I talk to her about it she can't do it. She can't leave him, possibly in part because she feels guilty now of getting him all started up again.<p>I'm lost. I don't know if I'm negotiating a Plan A, if I should initiate a Plan B or what I'm doing. She's staying with friends but is planning to rent an apartment next week (with his help) since she needs a place where she can spend time with the kids. I'm terrified that if she does that, it will be much harder for her to come back and will just give more opportunity for the A in their little love-nest. I'm offering to move out to let her come back home with the kids and she's preferring that, although I keep hoping that any moment she'll say 'hang on this is crazy, let's try again'.<p>I am completely lost not knowing what to do. I know I need help and hope that someone out there came give me some advice. Plan B seems so radical, so final and seems to have so little hope of working. But I cannot start a Plan A without her. We've talked of moving to get away from him and I'll do it in a flash, but she is not ready to leave him. What do I do???<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: strawberryfield ]</p>
