My husband and I have been married 3 years. Last year we went through infertility treatment and I became pregneant the first time-I truly felt we were blessed. At 3 months of pregneancy, he told me he had been seeing an ex-girlfriend for the last 3 months. He said he was in love with her and wanted out of our marriage. She is also married with 3 children and had started calling him because she was having marital problems herself. They apparently made plans to leave both of us and be together. I was devestated to say the least-I couldn't go to work, couldn't eat, almost lost the baby, and have never felt so hurt and internally destroyed in all my life. H is 43 I am 33 and OW 30. I asked him over and over if he was sure that this is what he wanted, if he knew what he was giving up-he always answered "yes". I found out how to get a hold of the OW husband and I contacted him-told him everything I knew. This was her greatest fear-she told my husbamd she was just waiting for the right time to tell her husband that she was "in love" with someone else and wanted out also-but the time was never good for her-so I thought I'd help her out. Her husband was obviously outraged and that same day picked her up from work, confronted her-she confessed all-begged forgiveness and he made her call my husband right there and then infront of him, and say it was over-which she did. My husband was shocked and in disbelief-of course, he then wanted to remain married to me-sorry for what had happened-never will he do it again-blah, blah, blah. I am now 2 weeks away from delivering our first child and everyday I think about leaving him. I am just waiting until the birth of the baby to make a final decision either way. I do have to admit that he has been trying very hard, has been very loving, and seems to regret what has occured. I just feel he does not deserve to be a part of this miracle as he wants to be, as he did not want the baby in the beginning-said it was a mistake (after letting me go through the infertility treatment-being in contact with this OW)I considered terminating the preg and he knew and didn't care one way or another at the time-I want him to pay for the hurt he has caused. How can I forgive all the words of leaving-and that he loved this OW? If anyone has any advice-it would surely be appreciated

I know how hard it is. I've been there, twice. Once 6 years ago when my H had what he said was an EA with my former best friend. In the process, he almost lost our business. She was also my neighbor, married to his partner/best friend and his employee. It took a 9 mos separation, lots of counseling, prayer, etc. but we finally got back together.<p>Well, last summer I found out that they had lied big time, it was sexual. Including in MY Bed which has broken my heart. It's so hard finding out the truth that long after the fact and knowing that you've lived a lie for 6 years. My friendship was never resolved, she never admitted the truth and tried to blame ME for the part she played in it.<p>I learned that even though it's tempting, you can NOT make them pay for anything. Only God can do that. I can only imagine your hurt with the baby, etc. I am also pregnant for the first time, and found out right after I found out about the PA. So I had to stop taking the antidepressant that was just starting to help me cope, sleep, eat, etc.<p>If your H is truly remorseful, and would consider counseling...I strongly recommend it. If he won't go, then go alone. It's almost impossible to recover from an affair without it. As for them being 'in love,' all cheaters say that. It's what they think at the time, but it's more like an addiction/infatuation. Looking back, my H can't believe he ever thought that or even said it. It's also their way of justifying their rotten behavior. Less than 10% of affairs end up in long lasting relationships.<p>I hope you will read everything you can at this site. It would be helpful if you stay with your H to complete the emotional needs questionairre to determine which needs this OW was meeting, that you would have had you known. <p>Also, the book Torn Asunder is GREAT for both the BS and the WS. I recommended it to our counselor and she really likes it and has started using it. There is an excellent article by Psychology Today at findarticles.com called 'Shattered Vows' that is very helpful too.<p>If your H is serious about resolving this, I hope you will consider it. Divorce is not that great of an option, especially with an infant. Too many of my friends regret that decision later. It takes a LOT of hard work to rebuild after an affair, but it is definitely worth it.<p>We have been in and out of counseling for the past 6 years due to his affair, to the tune of about $5000 since our insurance doesn't cover it. It's the best investment we ever made.<p>Will I ever forget it? NO. And I shouldn't, there are consequences to affairs. But I eventually forgave him (no easy matter) and I know our marriage will survive. Sometimes I think that this miracle baby of ours is God's reward for us staying together and rebuilding our marriage. <p>I pray for your peace and healing. Please keep posting and take care of yourself and that baby!

Maggierose-
Thank you for your response-it helps to know I'm not alone in this type of situation and that there are other people who understand exactly how I feel. I am glad I decided to keep the baby and do look at it as a miracle and a new beginning. I know I have to let go of my anger and my feelings for revenge as it only holds me to the past. I have to put it in God's hands. Things happen for a reason-just as this baby was conceived, against the odds, for a reason-the timing is unreal still. As far as the counseling goes-I am goig to do it whether he wants to or not-my OBGYN actually gave me some recommendations-he figured it out when I came for an appointment shortly after finding out and I had lost 8 pounds and looked like h$ll, not to mention the fact that I broke out in tears constantly. I will take your advice on the reading material-anything I can get my hands on to try and understand why and how to overcome the pain. I will pray for you and wish you all the happiness with your little miracle!

Neilani:
I totally understand your pain. My H and I had been together for 11 years, and after 2 years of infertility treatments (daily doctor appts, shots, and thousands of dollars) we were one month away from doing in-vitro, when he dropped the bomb on me. I came home from work and he told me he was leaving me. The shock and devastation are incomprehensible, not just for your marriage, but all of your future dreams of family and kids are shattered too. I found out a month after he left that he was LIVING with the OW...and he has now been living with her for 7 months. I've been forced to not only live with the pain of ending my marriage, but with the possibility of never having children. I think his affair had been going on for about a year...when I asked him what if I had gotten pregnant, he said he would have stayed with me. Isn't that special? I also found out that the OW had just recently divorced her H, so it looks like they had it all planned out.<p>The call to my fertility doc (RE) telling him that the treatments were all over and my H had left me was one of the most difficult calls I've ever had to make...after all, my doc had a lot invested in me too. I was sick to my stomach. It's so difficult to work so hard for something like a baby, and then to find out it's all been a lie because your H is emotionally invested in someone else.<p>Not a day goes by (still) that I don't wish my H would come back to reality and beg for my forgiveness and a chance to work on our marriage, but it hasn't happened so far. If your H is willing to work on it, I think you should give it a chance, if for nothing else than your baby. It will be a hard road, but I only wish I had that option. <p>Just wanted you to know you're not alone.