Hello, this is my first posting on this life saving web site, which I discovered several months ago during the early dark days of discovering my husband of 5 years had a heavy EA with with a co-worker. We have no children, in our early 30s, we both work full time.
This site encouraged me to try counseling, which we have been doing for 3-4 months and had been going great, or so it seemed. We had found out a lot about our individual emotional needs and what we each needed to feel loved and how to put these into practice. We both were unexpectedly thrilled with our progress as a couple, and it did not seem like it was a one way effort. He seemed as into it as I was.
I went away on a business trip and upon my return he seemed rather distant, instead of attacking him for this I continued to act loving but he has since revealed he feels the efforts we are making are contrived; despite saying the contrary anytime he has been asked, he has not shut the OW out of the picture completely and has confided in her about his insecurities about our future; and he doesn't know if "Love is enough" to keep us together. It is beyond depressing and the intimate emotional contact he has maintained with OW despite his pledge not to makes me sick and like I could never trust him and that I am wasting my time. Aaargh.
I guess our therapist will help us resolve what step we should go in now, but I was wondering if anyone else out there has experienced this same kind of unexpected setback/change of heart when things were going so well. I feel he has been just humoring me the whole time during therapy, and maybe doing it out of guilt. Or are his relevations just a smack in the face to tell me to get out...
Thank you for your feedback....
-NB

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Newly Blonde:
...but I was wondering if anyone else out there has experienced this same kind of unexpected setback/change of heart when things were going so well. <p>If anyone ever does have a straightline recovery I'd like to hear about it. I think I would question the foundation and integrity of a rebuilding without some thrashing around and backtracking.<p>How's that for support? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Clearly, your problem lies in continued contact. Harley's writings are crystal clear on this, and he has people quit jobs or move across country to get away from OPs. Are you counseling with the Harleys?

Hello Mike, I like the way you phrased that and will take my setback as part of the whole process...but it's hard.
I agree with you, the continued contact is a huge part of what's holding us back. We are not in therapy with the Harleys but a local couples counsellor. I will re read Dr Harley's views ... but I am having trouble on how practically to cut off contact when it involves someone in my H's company when my H does not want to give up his job! Is there no other way forward? Am I answering my own questions??
I have also been reading on the JFO site and am beginning to think that my H does not recognize that his EA is actually an A at all...
thanks for listening...
NB

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Newly Blonde:
I will re read Dr Harley's views ... but I am having trouble on how practically to cut off contact when it involves someone in my H's company when my H does not want to give up his job! Is there no other way forward? <p>I think it is more a question of the speed of moving forward, and the reality of recovery is, it is sort of a race against time, because usually there is a draining of patience and the lovebank during this period. There are people here that have waited out the death of an affair when there was contact...lostva is one. There are many more that threw in the towel.<p>Here is a link to a Harley article that explains the need for no contact:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html<p>Changing a job can be a financial setback, but it usually pales in comparison to the financial disaster of divorce.

You also asked about wondering if your H hasn't realized he is actually in a type of A, he probally hasn't. When he actually does, prepare yourself! Then the real fun stuff of him going through a depression and being deeply remorseful for what he did kicks in. If you haven't read the Surviving an Affair book, I would highly suggest it. By reading this I have been able to prepare myself for what will be coming next and able to face it head on and not let it get me down too bad. I don't think I would be where I am today if I hadn't been given this book by a friend. I've found the best way to handle this is to know what's coming next.

Of course he doesn't recognize what he has with his "friend" as an emotional affair. As one with years of experience in being emotionally betrayed by a spouse who thinks that a love affair has to involve sex, my opinion is that he has already betrayed you by talking about the problems in your marriage with a woman he finds emotionally attractive. <p>This other relationship will drive a wedge between you sure as the day. Read the Harley books, don't tell your H about the MB site, because he'll probably laugh at you like my H did. Post here, vent here, read Plan A, Plan B, the whole enchilada.<p>Sympathy, kiddo.