Fellow MB friends,<p>I am at total lost in regards to me WH. I have been feeling really really terrible lately and I don't know what to do. I am trying Plan A but recently I just can't get it together. I am crying all over again. I can't stop thinking about the A. I am on anti-depressents but something is just not right.<p>I really think that my H is still in contact with the ow. H is very protective of his pager and he even keeps a alarm on it. (I wish I knew how to reset it after I turned it on). Anyway, H asked me if I had looked at it and I said YES. I KNOW MAJOR LB. H was very upset and said that it is his and he needs his privacy, then he carried on about him not looking thru my belongings. I then ventured on to ask him if the ow has been calling him and he said NO. Then why would he keep a alarm on it??? I have to snoop again and find out what the heck is going on. I just have to. I won't let him know if I find out any info. I just need to know what I am up against. I can't deal with him going thru that depression state again.<p>H hasn't been acting that depressed anymore but I don't know if it is because of no contact. Or because of contact. Do WS's act semi-human once the affair is over or is it just a ploy to make me not wonder if the A is still going on? H actually has been acting decent. H no longer hates everything I do and H is even talking about the future. But there is that pager issue that is making me crazy.... What do I do? Am I acting paranoid? Should I tell him without LB'ing that the beeper issue is making me nuts? Should I tell him that I need reassurance of the no contact promise. Or should I just continue Plan A? H has asked me a couple of times what was the matter and I tell him that he knows. After I say that he just says o.k.. If only H would give me some sort of reassurance.<p>Lost
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Together 18 years, Married 10
2 boys (9 & 7) 1 girl (3)
d-day 03-12-02
d-day2 04-17-02
d-day3 04-28-02

No you are not paranoid or nuts. He is. Crazy man acting paranoid over a pager. My H did that with his cell, pager and lap top. Even willing to break his laptop. <p>Oh....the bad side of me wants you to page him without your number showing various times during the day.....bad Orchid!!!! <p>At one point my Ws was getting unknown caller calls and it made him even more paranoid. Hm..... where did he get those calls from? <p>Don't worry eventually the paranoia will get old and he will wear out. <p>Just stay away from him and his babbling for now. Protect yourself from the pain he will attempt to inflict on you. That may make him mad and when it does tell him to go yell at himself in the mirror instead of U. <p>L.

Orchid,<p>What a great suggestion. I wonder where my H will be getting unknown calls from? Hopefully that will cause the paranoia and he will be worn out. I wonder if he will ask me if I am paging him? What should I do if he does ask me? I would hate to lie. Is the pager a sign that the A is still going on? I really wish I knew.<p>I am trying to stay away from his babbling. When he starts, which is alot less then he use to, I just don't say anything or I agree with him. This way he can't argue by himself. IT WORKS....<p>I am still on Plan A and hopefully things will get better. I guess I must have been having a moment of weakness last week. But I am much better now. As long as I keep myself occupied then I don't really think about the A. I used way to much of my energy just thinking about the A last week. This week I am much better.<p>I am still going to snoop but it will be for my benefit only. (I just need to know). Does that make sense?<p>Lost

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by lost:
<strong>Orchid,<p>What a great suggestion. I wonder where my H will be getting unknown calls from? Hopefully that will cause the paranoia and he will be worn out. I wonder if he will ask me if I am paging him? What should I do if he does ask me? I would hate to lie. Is the pager a sign that the A is still going on? I really wish I knew.</strong><p> Well think of it as a way to make him wonder. If he asks you if you paged him, tell him you thought about it and then give him that question look and ask why? Not a lie....yet. I don't like lying either. Be cautious. <p>Yes the pager attachment is a sign of something. You might at a later date ask him why is there an umbilical cord between the electronic device (pager) and his pants? Keep it light and funny.<p><strong>I am trying to stay away from his babbling. When he starts, which is alot less then he use to, I just don't say anything or I agree with him. This way he can't argue by himself. IT WORKS....</strong><p> Good!<p><strong>I am still on Plan A and hopefully things will get better. I guess I must have been having a moment of weakness last week. But I am much better now. As long as I keep myself occupied then I don't really think about the A. I used way to much of my energy just thinking about the A last week. This week I am much better.<p>I am still going to snoop but it will be for my benefit only. (I just need to know). Does that make sense?
Lost</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well I am glad you feel stronger. Keep busy. That's the key. Let him see the more upbeat you. He may even accuse you of being too happy or having an A. More babble. Just let him know that you can't be too happy and have an A!!!! (subtle message there, he may not get it). <p>Snoop if you need to, just be careful where it takes you emotionally. Vent here as needed. If you feel you need to talk, we can find someone in your area, use your personal support group of e-mail some of us. K? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
<p>Take Care,
L.

Orcid,<p>I have been better, thank you. Still not 100% sure the A is over. I didn't snoop after all. Not today at least. I will ask about the pager. In a non-LB'ing way. <p>Today H seen me reading SAA. He asked me what do they suggest to do? <p>Answer: No contact.......
Reply : Whatelse?
Answer: The choice is really up to you.
You have to decide. You did say that
you wanted to try. Have you seen/talked
to ow?
Reply: NO. not since you seen me there last.
Answer: Thank You.
Reply: Not all A are the same you know.
Answer: Yes they are. The op is meeting one or
more of the emotional needs, one that
wasn't met in the marriage.
Reply: What if they were never met from the
beginning? (THAT ONE HURT, BUT I DIDN'T
LET IT PHASE ME).
Answer: Impossible, marriage would have never
happened taken place if they didn't
love each other at one point in time.
Reply: H just rolled his eyes.
Answer: You are not ready to read this book.
I seen how you rolled your eyes, but
that's o.k. just let me know when you
you would like to see or read the book.
Reply: NONE.<p>I think that was a good sign. I am going to leave it out more often maybe he will pick it up and decide to read it when I am not home. You never know. And Yes H has already asked me if I found someone new. My answer are you kidding me?<p>Lost

Lost, <p>So now he knows you are a bevey of info. Now play it low key and quiet. Learn the look of hurt, wonderment and bedazzled. <p>U know these A's are built on a lot of definite maybes. It is a fantasy world that doesn't really fit in the real world but it becomes addicting. <p>Show the side that is alluring. Nothing drastic, just leave him wonder.... does she or doesn't she??? <p>U are doing good!<p>
L.

lost:<p>That last post of yours with the conversation with your H was FAR COOL. Good work!<p>Hm... I have "resisted" getting the books that have AFFAIR in big letters on the front cover, because my 15 yr-old son doesn't know (and loves his mom) and in our previous rental it wouldn't have been easy to keep out of sight. Now, we're in a better place for that, but I'm starting to wonder if I would rather leave it (and maybe several more like it [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) out in plain sight all over the house to get my W's attention... [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The cesspool is a bit stagnant, at the moment, but there are signs of clearing.

Lost<p>Even though reading a book like SAA is painful at times, in the end it gives great comfort and hope because you realized that even though you are going thru hell, you are not alone and that there are ways to become a better person and hopefully the WS will eventually see the foolishness of the A and come back to his/her senses and want to work on the marriage.<p>What sometimes is lost when dealing with infidelity is that the BS has the potential of becoming a superior person, than s/he was before the A, that can move on with his/her life to a much better relationship in the future. Contrast that with the fact the WS is cursing him/herself by becoming an inferior person unable to have any meaninful relationship because s/he does not want to work at it.<p>Pity the WS because in the end the worst betrayal is not to his/her BS but to him/herself.<p>Joe

TMCM:<p>Ah! A "Dune" Fan! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My favorite curse out of the first book:<p>"You worm-faced, crawling, sand-brained piece of lizard turd!"<p>Frank Herbert didn't cuss much in the '60s [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Orchid,<p>I will........ Wait untill he see's me reading HNHN, HTALB & TA. I already read HNHN but I need a refresher course. But one thing at a time. Reading has helped me deal with this ordeal. FELLOW MB FRIENDS, PLEASE READ............<p>When I had that conversation with my H, I also told him that A's are built on lies & fantasy. And how can anyone base a so called relationship on lies. H didn't say a word. <p>Now H is redialing after I get off the phone, to see who I was talking to now. Which he never did before. Another incident happened when I dropped off my kids at school. I didn't go straight home. (I always go straight home). But this one time I had to get gas. I was on E. Anyway H was waiting for me (H usually jumps back in bed to get a few more hours of sleep) and he asked me what took you so long? Did you go into school to talk to a teacher? I said NO, Why? H then just looked at me. But didn't say anything. DO YOU THINK HE IS PARANOID? <p>I think I am doing o.k.. It is extremely hard because I was a big time LOVE BUSTER before. But I am learning. Thank you for being such a great teacher. <p>Lost
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Together 18 years, Married 10
2 boys(9 & 7) 1 girl(3)
d-day 03-12-02
d-day2 04-17-02
d-day3 04-28-02
I told him to leave on 04-30-02 when we were at counseling, H said shocked and said No that he didn't want to leave he wanted to work things out.
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2long,<p>Yes, I felt really good after I had a opportunity to enlighten H. I think I did a damn good job without LBing.<p>Get the book SAA/HNHN/TA/HTALB. I am waiting for TA & HTALB but I already read SAA & HNHN. But I am reading them again. I had a melt down last week and I needed some insight. Buy the books. And when you do you can leave it in your bedroom maybe tucked under your pillow with just a tad of the book sticking out? Does your son go into your bedroom? What about your closet? Curiosity will get the best of her. 2long, my H seen me reading it before but I would hide it or put it away when H came in the room. I don't know why today I didn't. But that's when H asked. <p>Talk about cesspools I thought I was drowning last week. Don't throw in the towel just yet.
You can do it. Look at me. I was thinking just like you were in the beginning. REMEMBER??? The bridge???<p>Lost

TooMuchCoffeeMan,<p>SAA was one of the best books I have read about infidelity. I cried, no actually sobbed when I was reading it. I wish I knew about this site 5 years ago. But better late then never. I can't say enough about MB. <p>I am really trying to become a better person. But it is no hard. At least I no longer LB, well if and when I do. I apologize. But it is no way near the way I use to LB. Now it is my H who says things. But again I just ignore him. Or I say you think so??? Or why did you say that? What do you really mean? This way he has to reflect on what stupid remark he just made. <p>I am learning........ Only time will tell. Your saying hit the nail right on the head. "PITY THE WS BECAUSE IN THE END THE WORST BETRAYAL IS NOT TO HIS BS BUT TO HIMSELF".<p>Thank You,
Lost
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Together 18 years, Married 10
2 boys (9 & 7) 1 girl (3)
d-day 03-12-02
d-day2 04-17-02
d-day3 04-28-02
--------------------------------------------------

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>TMCM:<p>Ah! A "Dune" Fan! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My favorite curse out of the first book:<p>"You worm-faced, crawling, sand-brained piece of lizard turd!"<p>Frank Herbert didn't cuss much in the '60s [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>2Long:<p>Frank Herbert must have been thinking about an OM when he wrote that one [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Joe

lost:<p>You're not only doing better, you're getting your H to "think" about what you're doing, reading, and saying to him.<p>Amazing that WS's can think at all, with not more than 3 functioning brain cells, isn't it?

2long,<p>Your not only doing better, you're getting your H to "think" about what you're doing, reading, and saying to him.<p>I hope so. Today wasn't such a good day though. H was upset and blamed me for the A. He also said he was tired of fighting . And he was getting real tired of everything. I did my best to answer. Again I think I did a good job. Left him speechless.<p>When H left for work I told him to come by me and I gave him a big kiss. He just looked at me and smiled. H then said he knew exactly how I felt and I said "Oh, no you don't you will never know how I feel". When he left I cried. <p>Good days-Bad days I think the bad days out weigh the good days. Tomorrow we are going to a wedding. Hopefully we will have a good time. At least he wants to go. <p>Lost

lost:<p>I still think you're doing well. Small steps, as Spacecase keeps reminding ME!!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

2long,<p>How are things with you and your W? Getting better? I sure hope so. I am so grateful for this sight. I would still be LB'ing. <p>I really wish I could wave a magic wand and take all the sufffering away from every betrayed S. I can't believe that my H would even say He knew how I felt. He would have to fall back in love with me and then discover my A, to know how it feels. (I would never do that to him though). This is the worst feeling in the world. <p>My Father which I loved with all my heart passed away last June. Well, this doesn't even compare to losing him. Maybe because it was final with my Father and I know that he loved me till the day he died. But the 2nd man I love my (H) hurt me and still continues to hurt me. But my H just can't see how much I am hurting. <p>It better be sooner then later. Because my LB is almost in the negative stage. Hopefully when the fog lifts he will understand and come to his senses.<p>Thank you,
Lost

lost:<p>Yes, we're getting along pretty well. Not everything has been resolved that I need resolution on, but with time, maybe they'll be taken care of too. My W hasn't said any of the hurtful "anti marriage" comments to me in a while now. Good thing, too, because in my present state, I wouldn't stand for them. She may know that. She's also showing signs of actually looking forward to her next C visits, which is a BIG change from a few weeks ago. I still don't have a no contact agreement with her, but I'm hoping I can get one eventually here. Then there's the issue of honesty. We're doing okay, but I need complete honesty and NO secret second lives. After that, we can focus on our M problems. <p>But over all, things are a lot better than even a month ago (or a week ago).

Hello 2long!<p>I am new to MB but in a very similar situation as yours. <p>I just wish you all the best and would like to know how long did it took for your W to get out of the FOG. It has been 7 weeks my W (A) ended but she is still in total withdrawl and FOG. Though it seems it ended, I am facing the same Q?s as you are is she telling me the truth, will I ever be able to TRUST her and so on.<p>Will appreciate your thoughts.<p>The Lion

Dear Lost, <p>How are you doing today. Did you both go to the wedding? Those are hard places to be. You may now think back and wonder why others may have been crying at weddings. Not always for the same reasons. <p>Learn the look lost. Your H is picking up on some of your silent signs. Let him continue to do so. <p>ex: My H was leaving for the computer store tonight. It was in the direction of OW's home but not exactly near it. 1 town away. Anyway, I got a bit nervous that he was going by himself just because the direction was the path he would take to go to her house. I knew that. Also he really wants this computer and we just can't afford it right even if it is for his work (self-employed situation). He won't settle for a temporary lessor computer. Always wants the best. Well that will put us in a tighter than tight situation. I digress. Anyway, I just looked at him as he was leaving (we had just finished dinner). He started out the door and came back to ask why did I look at him that way? I shrugged my shoulder. U R right, they will never know the degree of our pain. The point is that the 'look' was enough to bring him back and ask. That made a mental impression. <p>L.