I am faced with the fact that plan B is normally a necessary step. I have been in plan A for 61/2 months, and have made some good progress. Not only personal traits in myself, but in the relationship also. She is talking about plans involving the both of us through the summer and even mentioned that it might be a good chance for us to "re-connect". The incremental progress (and my counselor) has kept me from going to plan B. I have an appt. with Jennifer C/H in two weeks to help me with my decision on path forward.<p>Despite the progress she continues to be in contact with OM. "He is still my friend, he is hurting right now". I don't see the fog lifting so I am here soliciting help. A lot of you have been there and I have read about the pain, I am in the process of preparing myself for it. I thought I saw a notable thread on something like a Plan B checklist. I cant find it now, maybe we should start one. I have three kids (1,5,and 7) so custody is an issue, we both work, joint bank accounts, credit cards, house, bills, day care, summer camps, latch key, . What about legal advice? Is selling the home the fairest to deal with who stays, who goes? What am I missing. From reading the posts I know that B is hard. I don't want to be forced to figure this out after. Life at home isn't untolerable, just stagnant. I might as well use the time to be prepared for what may come. I like the rule "Proper Previous Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. " So here is my shot at it<p>Lawyer: Get one! Do not do anything until you talk to one about your options.<p>Custody: As the father of 3 young children the best bet is to try and work out a fair joint physical custody between you and your spouse without involving the court system. The probability of getting that in court is low. How do I protect myself from "abandonment" of my kids if I am the one to leave the residence?<p>Bank Accounts: Split up the joint bank account. She has her money you have your money. We both make about the same so this should not be an issue. Split bank assets 50/50.<p>Credit Cards: Cancel or take off spouse of all credit cards<p>House: Best if she moves out, she wont. I don't want to disrupt kids too much either. I am not sure what to do in this regard. <p>Bills: Sit down and go through bills involving kids, split 50/50 (summer camps, latch key, day care, lunches etc.) Not sure what to do about rest of it. Whoever stays….pays?<p>Splitting the assets: Who gets the TV, computer, bed, table, couch? Kids need it all in both places. Do we simply try and sit down and work out what is fair? This I definitely do not want to do after.<p>All right what am I missing?
Thanks for the help

Read your thread and here are my two cents for what it is worth.<p>What is your main priority? Do you want to get your marriage back on track or do you want to take the divorse path?<p>Focus on one and stick to it. By doing both your sending her mixed signals which she can use against you. It happened to me. That was one mistake I made. My wife was involved in an EA with a collegue of mine from work. Their relationship began to bother me severly to the point I felt I was loosing my mind. I was faced with the fact that I could have lost my only true love and desparate times called for desparate measures.<p>My rational is that if I began playing hardball with her maybe it would wake her up. I did what you are preposing. I went to see a lawyer, I figured out my options and I told her what I was doing. I sent her mixed signals. I told her that I loved her and wanted to work things out, yet I was preparing for the worst....divorse. During that time I always figured we were still together even though for four months she slept overnight at OM appartment, while coming back to our house to babysit the kids while I went off to work, carpooling with OM. Long story....I was in somewhat of a denial fog too.<p>Nevertheless, she told OM about my legal visits and separate bank accounts and told him that my wife and I were separated. It created the ideal environment for a PA. OM fell in love with my wife because he was under the impression we we split up by my wife's tales, and my wife gave in because I was trying to work at our relationship while preparing for a divorse if it came to that.<p>Choose a path and stick to it.<p>If she is the one having the affair and she is making no attempt to have no contact with the OM then boot her out of the house. I know you said she refuses, then outsmart her. Change the locks and throw all her belongings on the lawn. She'll get the point. It is a harsh step, but you have to think of your priorities. There are children involved and by their ages they are certainly intune to what is going on. Be a roll model for them. Show them that the behavior of their mother is wrong. What kind of message are you sending your kids by allowing your wife to live with you, yet cheat on you at the same time? Marriage is a sacrement and your showing your kids that this behavior is OK, when it is not.<p>I know, I know. Your wondering why I never took my own advise. Believe me I wish I did, I wanted too, but I was afraid. I was afraid that if I booted her out that I would make her mad enough to leave me for good and that scared me. Like I said I was in somewhat of a denial fog myself.<p>Today, things are clear as a bell. Looking back had I booted her out of the house, like many others advised me too, things would probably have ended earlier. Who knows!<p>However, after I had confirmation that their affair was physical and all hell broke loose my wife moved back in with me and the kids while she continued to talk with the OM. She wanted to continue their friendship the way it was prior to it becoming a PA. Day in a day out, night after night, I listened to the two of them chat, whisper sweet nothings, and argue over the phone. She would call him at work, while I was only three cubicles away to hear them. They chatted online using MSN. The EA was continuing and it had to stop.<p>How did it stop. Well I basically confronted the OM and told him what I was prepared to do to win my wife back and that if he had any hopes of keeping her he was going to loose. I told him to have no contact with her at all from that point on, otherwise, " I know where you live and I'd kill you". Yes, I said that to him. I never planned on following through with it, but I was at my witts end and that was enough to scare him. He realized that his own well being and his daughters well being were more important that a love affair with my wife and to this date they have not spoken to each other.<p>My wife went through a withdrawl period, which was difficult to get through. She was often very angry and short tempered. Spilled milk would set her off. Tiny, insignificant things like that would cause her to blow up at me and she would blame me for things and point fingures at me. Many times I wondered and thought about why I even bothered to work so hard to save our marriage when I was being treated like that.<p>That past though. The woman I fell in love with came out of the fog and back into my arms. We still have "normal" ups and downs. Fights over money and which bills to pay this pay period. I'll take those over not having her sleep by my side at night, like it was for four months, anyday.<p>Just my thoughts......

Wow, that is a heck of a story. You have me pegged. I am scared also. If I wanted the divorce I would have gone that way already. I dont want that. My downs seem to be coming more frequent these days. I dont know how anyone finally says enough is enough. That you know you have done your best. I do know if I get there I want to be prepared, I dont want to make mistakes. You are right I would not want her to know that I was doing these things. <p>You advise me to throw her out. I have thought of this many times. Change the locks, then what happens. That is such a defensive move, hardly the plan B love letter that I was thinking of. Then somehow I need to figure out all the logistics of seperation. Before I pulled a balls out move like that I want to know what the fallout could be. She is still in the home, tells me PA is over but like I said EA continues. At any rate thanks for the advice, something from the "tough love" school of thought. I will remember it and if she throws it in my face I may be pushed to the point of using it.