I need some help. My H is in the military (reserves but activated since Nov '01) and I found out recently that he had an affair with a woman he was working with while stationed in another state for one and a half months. I found an e-mail from her to him and confronted him. He told me that she was his friend (who is also married) girlfriend and he was feeding messages between the two of them so that his friend's wife wouldn't find out. I emailed the woman who lied and said that she was indeed his friend's girlfriend. Later, I found many different e-mails the woman had sent to my husband and that is when I realized the e-mails were intended for my husband. I found the woman's number and called her. She lives in a different state but admitted to everything. She apologized, but I could tell that she still wanted to carry on the affair with my husband.
Last week, I found a number with another woman's name/number. I confronted my H who told me he "did not know who the woman was." I recall that during the time I was dealing with the OW, I intercepted a message on my H's cell phone. A woman, with a name that sounded like the OW, left a message inviting him for lunch. I confronted him and asked him if there was someone else where we lived. He swore that there wasn't but I had a nagging feeling. I kept digging b/c I knew he wasn't being honest. I found the OW number. She would not tell all, but she did admit that she had met him. I don't know how far it went b/c she's not saying & he denies knowing her.
Then my H got mad with me b/c I spoke with the OW. He told me that the marriage was over b/c I did not believe him. He swore that he was telling the truth about this woman, but again, this woman's name & number was written in his handwriting and found in his wallet.
I am devastated. I thought that we would be able to work through our problems. I told him that I would forgive him, but he had to be honest. But honesty is something that my H has a hard time with. Lying comes naturally for him.
Now, I feel as though he is trying to blame me for his indescretions. I can tell that he feels badly about what has occurred b/c he doesn't want me to talk about it. Sometimes, I think that he needs counseling. He says that he loves me and wants our marriage, but he needs some "time away to think." I feel that he is trying to make me think that I did something wrong & caused him to cheat.
I follow my instincts when I feel that something is wrong. He gets upset and says that I don't trust him. The problem is that I don't trust him. I feel that he has caused me to loss trust in him; therefore he should do everything possible to regain my trust. Instead, he is running away.
I need some advice. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Good morning,<p>I'm so sorry for what is happening. I can relate as I am active duty National Guard (Army) and my H is Air National Guard. We have not been activated, but for some reason affairs run high in the military, especially when you are apart from family for such long periods of time. I know that's not something you care to hear, but I have been in for 16+ years and see it all the time.<p>Affairs thrive on it's secrecy. When my H and his coworker OW had an affair while away on business I reported them to their commander. They were carrying on utilizing government time and funding. I also needed the commander to know that they could not be scheduled for trips together and he nneded to know why. They were both counseled harshly and she feared for her job.<p>Your H is running scared and he's trying to turn the tables on you - don't allow that to happen. You have every right to contact these women and fight for your marriage. He has betrayed you and of course you don't believe him - he needs to prove his honesty and trustworthiness to you.<p>I'm not sure if you are new here or not, but please read all the links in the welcome for new builders (I think under the just found out forum).<p>Do you think your H would sit down and talk about this? Do you think he would agree to the marriage builders plans (POJA, Plan A, No Contact)?<p>I like your signature line! Please try to do what my signature suggests (hard I know).<p>God bless!

Hi Insightful,<p>The basis of A is a LIE, I have been in your situation and with experience learned that once they LIE, it becomes a habit and a nutral tendency this in my personla opinion they cannot change or even try to change, because they dont see it that they are lieing.<p>It freaks me out how much a A gets into them that all other parts of life just disappear Truth to them is a distant past. I am not trying to discourage but that is the reality he will never be HONEST. period.<p>Though I suggest you read as much as you can on this site and order the books so you are much aware of what you are up against.<p>Good Luck and we will be here!<p>TheLion

Update,
My husband & I have decided that time away is best for us. I love him and he says that he loves me. I don't know if he will be faithful, but thus far, I am enjoying this time away. We are actually able to talk more. I am also learning that I can make it on my own. I am taking this time to reconnect with my family. No, they don't know about the difficulty that my husband and I are having, but it is very soothing to be around my sisters and brothers who love me.<p>I am hopeful that my husband and I will be able to work out our problems, but right now I need to work on myself. My opinion of men is very low. My opinion about myself is not very high either. I need this time to focus on ME.<p>One of the things that really bugs me is not so much my husband's affair or affairs (I am not certain if he has done this before or not). I am hurt most by his deceitfulness. It is hard for me to understand how a person can claim to love another person and lie to them constantly. When I found out about my husband's affair with his co-worker, he even told me that he had never slept with her. He claimed that he had met her on line and they were making plans to meet, but hadn't slept together. I found another e-mail from the OW asking him to fly to her home state to accompany her to her class reunion. She also offered to strip for him on line, so that he could see what he was missing & what he could have again if he would visit her. After I confronted him with that e-mail, he confessed and told me that it was totally about sex b/c he had "a high sex drive." <p>I was angry b/c he seemed to put the OW up on a pedestal. Apparently, he thought that she was "sweet & innocent". I explained to him that a "sweet/innocent" woman is not going to sleep with a married man. My H has apologized & promises that he won't "mess up again," but until I work on myself.... No, I don't think that I will ever trust him fully b/c he put so much energy into deceiving me.<p>The OW was content being his OW, as long as she thought that he cared about her. When he called her & ended it, then she was ready to talk with me. She was so sick that she lied and told me that her husband had died on one of the 9/11 flights & therefore, she was vulnerable & allowed herself to become involved with my H. (By the way, I have since found out that she has never been married & has no children. What kind of sick person would lie about something like that?)She then tried to pretend to have such concern for me and my child. Of course, I want no part of her. Like I told her, you did not have any concern for me or my child when you were sending e-mails to my H asking when he was going to be home alone so that they can chat on-line. Or when I found her 1st e-mail and my H lied about her being his friend's girlfriend. The OW sent me an e-mail apologizing for causing trouble in our marriage but said that she was my H's bestfriend's girlfriend. She even claimed to understand why I would be angry about finding an e-mail from another woman to my H & if she was in my place she "would be angry too." As you can tell, I am still very angry. <p>The OW continually tried to contact me after my H broke things off with her. She became almost obsessed with my H. They met while stationed out of town together. He knew her 3 days before the slept together & then shared another 10 days together before their orders ended. They continued to communicate on line & on the phone. The OW insisted that she did not know my H was married, but then admitted that she found out his was married before his orders ended. My H insists that she knew he was married when she met him. I don't know and nor will I ever know.<p>What angered me the most was the deceit & then the OW attempt to try to befriend me..."with friends like that, who needs enemies." She even emailed things like, "you should not want your son being around a man like your H. He obviously has no respect for women." I even started receiving harrassing calls to my home & I had to cut contact with her off. I changed my e-mail address & my H changed his e-mail address, pager #, and cell phone #. He didn't put up too much of a fight after he read the e-mails that the OW had sent to m about his son. I won't take anything away from my H, he is a damn good father & I think that he was hurt that the woman tried to convince me to keep his child away from him. I would never do that to him, b/c I would hurt my child in the process. My son adores his father.<p>Anyway, I still have so much anger towards him. Before he left the house, I would look at him & think about what a liar that he was. I think that the time away is a time to heal (for both of us). I love my H, but it is difficult. He seems genuinely sorry about what happened, but I feel right now that he is sorrier about being caught. I am also embarrassed about what has happened.<p>I know a woman that I grew up with who had a baby with a married man. She & I have had conversations in the past where she explained that every married man cheats. She did not want to marry b/c she felt that her H would cheat on her. She used to joke that my H had a girlfriend b/c every married man does. I used to tell her that women like her allow men to cheat. Now, I feel like such a fool. She was right...I almost HATE men right now. I think that they are low creatures who think with their penis first and their heads second.

I remember that my H told me he cheated while he was stationed out of state b/c he thought that he would be able to get away with it. It was only after he was caught that he suddenly realized how much his family meant to him. But, he still tried to lay blame with me by telling me what I was doing wrong.<p>I realize that I have to try to heal myself. I have to get rid of this anger that I am feeling. Regardless of what happens with my marriage, I have to let it go. Otherwise, I will never have a healthy relationship with any man. In my heart, I know that I will always love my H, but have to learn to love myself more.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am taking this time to reconnect with my family. No, they don't know about the difficulty that my husband and I are having, but it is very soothing to be around my sisters and brothers who love me.<hr></blockquote><p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am hurt most by his deceitfulness. It is hard for me to understand how a person can claim to love another person and lie to them constantly.<hr></blockquote><p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I realize that I have to try to heal myself. I have to get rid of this anger that I am feeling. Regardless of what happens with my marriage, I have to let it go. Otherwise, I will never have a healthy relationship with any man. In my heart, I know that I will always love my H, but have to learn to love myself more. <hr></blockquote><p>Insightfulwon,<p>You are so on target! I'm sure you have your moments of weekness, but you sound so strong and so, well, insightful! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Some of the things you wrote are what I feel. My H always came up with such elaborate lies for the past 2 years. We are in Plan B and I do love him (even considering reconciliation at some point), but I just don't think I'll be able to believe a word he says.<p>Did you suspect your H of lying about anything before (big or small)? I had caught my H in some petty lies over the years that we dated, but never dreamed he'd come up with the things he has in the past 2 years. I find myself reliving our dating years and wondering what he was really up to. <p>I also think at this point that all men will cheat and I don't think I could ever have a commited relationship. At this point I'm swearing off all romantic relationships for 1 year (unless we reconcil).<p>Keep up the good work focusing on yourself and your family! Oh, and I love your signature!<p>Peace and Joy! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]