Ok, just need some reassurance here.<p>I have planned B my H after the OW is out of the picture. When I asked him point blank if he was holding me on by a string so that if he didn't like what was going on in the world he thinks he wants, he could real me back in, he stated yes, he was. So I cut that string now, before the D. I feel I need to make him see what it would really be like without me calling him or emailing him nearly every day, without me being still being there. <p>This is a good thing for me to do at this point, isn't it? I don't want the D and he is saying that the D will help me heal and that you sometimes have to tear something all the way down in order to rebuild it. I say rebuild it now, before the D. I feel pretty good in this plan, I'm not going through the emotional rollercoaster that I was going through, even though I do miss him so much.<p>That's another question, is it normal for me to miss him so much in this plan? I want to break down and run to him, but I'm doing the right thing, right?

thebetrayedone,<p>Based on what he told you I think you are doing the right thing for YOU and it's working. The bases for Plan B is to work on yourself and save what love you have left for the WS. You said you feel good in the plan and you're not on that roller coaster - that is awesome.<p>It is normal to miss him and want to run to him. I'm 3 weeks into plan B and I just now stopped all emails and phone calls to him. I feel pretty good except for weekends when my kids aren't around and I get so bored.<p>Try to reach out for new activities to take your mind off him or just spend some quiet time with yourself.<p>Good luck!

TB1,<p>How are you?

Well, not to sound like a song, but Opps, I did it again! <p>He called me this afternoon at work and asked if it would be ok to come over and see me this evening and to give me some money for our bills. I said that would be fine and then he just said, I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to say back so I just said it's ok. Then he said he wanted to talk to me some too and that he would be at my place at 7:00. I was running a little late getting home due to a accident on the highway and when I pulled up he was standing outside with a friend of ours, they had run into each other up the street.
Anyways, he followed me up to my apartment after the friend left and I invited him in. I offerred him a seat and he said he would really like a hug if it was ok. So I said sure and we hugged. Then he leaned back, looked at me, made a comment about how pretty I was and how much weight I had lost (I've lost nearly 40 lbs. since January, maybe that should be a topic, how much weight have you lost in all of this? :-)) then he hugged me again and held me real tight. He then leaned back again and kissed me. He pulled away and asked if that was ok, and I said it was, then he leaned in and really kissed me, one of those romance novel cover kisses! He said he missed my kisses so much, and needless to say, I melted like butter. I gave into the fullfilling his emotional need of sex.
Afterwards we laughed and talked about what we did over the weekend and such. We just joked and laughed and had a good time. He didn't want to leave, but his mom really needed his help with something tonight, so he had to go help her out. I asked him as he was leaving what it was that he wanted to talk about, and he just said he didn't want to talk about it any more. We didn't talk about us a single time, which I have to say was a little nice.
And I'm ok with this. I really have nothing else to say on the subject of our relationship to him. He knows how I feel, and what I want. And I think the week and a 1/2 of me not contacting him did some good, it's gotten me a portion of what I want so far. He said he was sorry for the first time, and told me in what ways he misses me. I'm still going to stick to my Plan B, but I'll mix in some Plan A if I get the chance. It seems to be working so far!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by thebetrayedone:
<strong>I gave into the fullfilling his emotional need of sex. I asked him as he was leaving what it was that he wanted to talk about, and he just said he didn't want to talk about it any more.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I was the same way for these past 3 weeks. I really thought I could handle just being his SF partner and separate my emotios.<p>My H has to same mode of operation. He'll start with a hug and tell me he misses me and us and how he wants to reconcile. He'll tell me it's been so hard being apart.<p>Then he'll kiss me and he knows he knows I'm all done and will give in.<p>And then, once he's satisfied, I'll cry and he'll go off and be with OW, lying to me yet again.<p>Not to be negative, but your H reeled you in hook, line and sinker. If he truly had something to talk to you about then he would have brought it up. He used his mother as an excuse to get out of your apartment as soon as he got what he came for. If your marriage was his priority then he would have stayed and talked - mom can wait.<p>I'm not judging you, I have been where you are a few times in the past 3 weeks. I finally decided that I respected myself enough to stop contact so I didn't enable him to continue walking all over me. I was allowing him to come into my home and hurt me over and over again.<p>I was fine with it at first too, but I deserve better. If I don't respect myself enough to control my libido then why should I expect him to respect me.<p>I know it's hard, but please be firm. If you don't think you can be strong enough to stop his advances then meet him at a public place where the temptations won't be so hard to resist. He knows exactly what he's doing - he's having his cake and eating it too. He's doing the same hing he did while you were together, why bother separating if you continue to let him use you.<p>I know I'm weak when it comes to my H so I know I have to continue a strong Plan B and have absolutely NO CONTACT!<p>I'm sorry if I sound harsh - you are right where I am and was for 3 weeks. Be true to yourself!<p>I wish you peace and joy!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

To give a brief overview, we have been seperated since January. We didn't originally seperate because of an A, that started shortly after we seperated. The OW was a mutual good friend of ours, looking back on it now, she talked my H into moving out and manipulated the situation to her liking and sucked my H in by laying guilt trips on him (she had an abortion of her H's child and told my H she did it for him). We had been staying close through all of this, and he would constantly tell her to "get lost" but then she would lay a guilt trip on my H and make my H feel responsable for the death of the child. When she finally realized that she wasn't going to get him the way she wanted because she realized he still had deep feelings for me, she dumped him. About a week later my H went into "hibernation" from me and everyone else. When he ran into me at our storage bin about 2 weeks later, he told me he was filing for D, that he didn't love me anymore (I saw right through this, he was trying to force himself to feel this way). He filed for D and last Monday he gave me the D papers. I told him then that he wasn't ready for this, I could tell he was in the major guilt and remorse part. I told him it was ok for him to feel the way he's feeling and that he was still worthy of my love and a bunch of other things that were important for him to know. As we departed I told him I was going into "hibernation" now. So I hadn't talked to him from that point until last night. <p>I don't want to sound naive or negative, but what happened last night wasn't just plain old sex. It was something so much more. <p>His mother really did need his help, she runs a business and part of my H's rent is to help out around the place, there are things that she cannot physically do anymore, and he described exactly what she needed done. He had promised her that he wouldn't be long, so when he realized the time and realized it would be dark soon, and what he had to do was outside, he had to go.<p>The OW is out of the picture. He told me he was never going to lie to me again, and I believe him. I know my H like a the back of my hand, and I know when he is lying.<p>He nearly broke down in tears yesterday when he said he was sorry.<p>There was something there last night, something that has been missing for a while. I see that he is beginning to come around. <p>I have senses that most people don't, I can't explain them, if you don't have them yourself, or if you don't believe in those sorts of things, you wouldn't understand. I can read through people, especially my H very well. I've learned through this to go with my senses, and everytime I have they have been right on the money. I know what I saw last night, I know what I know.<p>I am giving him the space and time to heal his heart, heal the guilt and remorse that he feels towards me. I proved to him that I actually did love him more than the OW did (this had been one of the questions going on in his head), and it was me that he hurt the most. He's dealing with alot, and there is nothing more I can do or say to make him feel better. I could only imagine what it would be like to be around someone who you have hurt so intensly and they still love you. That is an awesome strength, and I imagine it would be frightening to be around someone with that much strength at a time when you feel so weak. A friend of mine actually told me over the weekend that I scared her with my strength, she has been through the same thing as I have and it made her very weak.<p>I guess that's what the difference is between true love and love.

I'm sorry if I offended you - I apologize!<p>I know the true love you feel for your H as I feel it with mine. My H has repeatedly betrayed me and lied to me yet, I sympathize with what he is truly going through (although he has yet to admit his addictions).<p>I appreciate the bit of history you gave me, it helps me see your situation. <p>The recent coworker OW in my case is one of those single women who can never get a man of her own and my H isn't her 1st married man. She had eyes on him from the minute he started working there in '97 and has slowly weazled her way into his bed. She always had the same ailments as him and family issues so they could be friends. My H is weak and she took advantage of him. I do blame him totally, he could have said no, but he has issues he seriously needs professional help for.<p>Keep up your strength and I wish you peace and joy!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Free2BMe, you were right, he got me. He sent me back to the depths of depression, and I refuse to go back.<p>Thursday night we chit chatted on instant messanger and Friday night he just sent me an email stating that he wanted to start going through our storage bins and getting stuff ready for a yard sale. I emailed him back just saying to call me. I sat by the phone all day Saturday, of course no call. Then after work Saturday night my car started acting up. I was nearly stranded, and couldn't reach no one. I managed to get myself back home and called his Mom to see if he was at home (he is a mechanic and had told me he would fix the problem, just the small problem all of a sudden became a bigger problem). She didn't know where he was, and didn't know when he would be home, but would leave him a message for me. He had his cell phone turned off, so in order to get in touch with him you have to either catch him at work or leave a message with his mom. Well, after being stuck at home Saturday night and nearly all day yesterday, again sitting by the phone, he finally calls me at 3:30, he had just got home. I couldn't find my parents to help me out with a loaner car, and I have no friends in the area, so yesterday was a day from hell. <p>He came over and we ran up to the auto parts store and he fixed my car. He started throwing things out at me, like how he wanted to get a motorcycle and since I finally had no say in his life, he is free to get one, then he mentioned about how he has a customer that drives all the way up from Florida because he only trusts my H to do work on his truck and I said that that was so awesome and I was proud of him, his reply, yea I told you about this when we were married, and you didn't care, but your forgiven. Then he asked if I had looked over the D papers and if everything looked ok and if I had anything to add. I told him they were fine and he asked, "your're still not going to sign them though, are you." I replied no, and he said he understood, that he didn't want them at one time either. Talk about being shot to hell in a handbag!<p>So he went out Friday night and didn't come home til Sunday, and all his parents tell him is that he didn't get a chance to have a childhood, that they didn't allow him to have one, then he got married too young, and that he deserves one now. Obviously this is what he is living by now. He went out with a male friend of his who is a truck driver and had a lay over in town all weekend. He is getting continued encouragement from his parents to go live his life, and per what he has told me, that is all that he really wants to do. His reasons for the D, so that he can have no ties or responsabilities to anyone but himself. He won't stay around me for too long because he knows he'll fall in love with me again and that will mean the end to his fun. He does, I see it, then he runs out my door like he saw a ghost.<p>I'm am sticking to my Plan B now. I wrote him a letter, but my inner voice is telling me not to mail it, to just stop all contact with him. If he calls, I will just tell him to mail me the money for the bills. I've turned this over to God now, now I just pray that He gives me the words to speak when my H calls.<p>Sorry for snapping back, I didn't want to believe that he had gotten me, hook, line and sinker again, but he did.