How can anyone Plan A when spouse moves out. My WH moved out 38 days ago and is avoiding all contact with me and our daughters. I can't understand why?? I have been reading all the books, Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs and I still can't find the answer.<p>He is still in contact with OW and not willing to let go. (original post under Infidelity..Not Coping) I am plan aaaaaing my butt off every chance i get, yet my H says he doesnt know what he wants, he states he is happy right now.<p>How can a man be happy by not seeing his children or being a part of there life. He doesnt visit them at all. He sees them maybe one to two hours a week at softball, that is it! He doesnt call them unless they call first!<p>Help I need answers!! Ready to explode.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by deelam:
<strong>How can anyone Plan A when spouse moves out. .......
How can a man be happy by not seeing his children or being a part of there life. He doesnt visit them at all. He sees them maybe one to two hours a week at softball, that is it! He doesnt call them unless they call first!<p>Help I need answers!! Ready to explode.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Hi,
First, Don't explode!!! <p>Second, plan A is about you. Working on bettering U. So if you take it from that angle you can better yourself no matter where he is and when the opportunity arises he will see the improved U. This means that when he contacts you you can have unlimited conversations with him (of course he may limit them). <p>Third, if you have already accomplished what is in plan A and he is still in the fog and neglecting his family, then you can go to plan B. This means that when he contacts you, you keep your conversation limited. <p>Does this make sense? Hazve you read up on plan A and B?

I have been doing things to better myself. I excercise now, i try to be extremely friendly when he is around, i maintain the household. I ask him for nothing but this is to hard.<p>We have had no physical contact for 3-4months, he has been out of our house for 1 month and now he doesn't contact me unless he needs me to help with paperwork for his business.<p>I don't just want to be the secretary/bookkeeper, I want to be the person he spends his time with not the OW.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by deelam:
<strong> I am plan aaaaaing my butt off every chance i get, yet my H says he doesnt know what he wants, he states he is happy right now.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>OK, deelam, take it easy, first of all. We all understand how this feels. You are in good hands with Orchid's advice, so take it slow and let's go back and reread, ok?<p>You SAY you are "Plan A'ing your butt off" BUT then you say H says "he doesn't know what he wants....he states he is happy." <p>HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT??? Did you ask him?? In Plan A, YOU DO NOT ASK about "what he wants...." you just work on YOU, and be pleasant, happy, upbeat and seemingly confident in yourself and your changes when you ARE around your WS.<p>THEN you state: <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I don't just want to be the secretary/bookkeeper, I want to be the person he spends his time with not the OW.<hr></blockquote>
See, this is not your prerogative while he's in the midst of his A!!! HE decides where he wants to spend his time. If he doesn't want to spend it with you or his children, yeah, IT SUX, but YOU CAN'T FORCE HIM TO!! This is why working on YOU is such a critical fact right now. WOrking on YOU forces you to focus on yourself and your self-healing. This is crucial to your well-being right now. Whatever he is or ISN'T doing that he SHOULD be doing is not for you to worry about (I know, I know, easier said than done!) but it's essential. Without peace and serenity in YOUR OWN SPACE you won't be able to hold it together through this.<p>Believe me, dee, I KNOW. My H did the exact same thing!! I went NUTZ for weeks, NOT KNOWING HOW TO CONTACT HIM. See? Not only did he just up and LEAVE. I DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE HE WAS!!! His son finally told me, and then I was devastated, since I did not even SUSPECT an A. At least you know where he is, and he DOES contact you every once in awhile, albeit for work-related stuff. <p>Use THOSE opportunities to Plan A him. DO NOT question him about what he's doing, what he's thinking, what he is GOING to do. It will only drive him further away. DO NOT accuse him of "abandoning" his kids, etc. He is in a deep fog right now, and NOT thinking straight, Or doing things a "normal" dad would do!!<p>Please keep posting here and reading. There's LOTS of good info to read and learn from the Concepts pages. I read them and read them, until I couldn't see my computer screen any longer, so I printed them out!<p>We're here to help, so please keep posting. It's a long journey, but you CAN make it through this successfully. You can. We will help any way we can.<p>God Bless,

thank you Orchid and LupoLady,
I am understandng that Plan A is for me, but when do they ever see the light. They are the wrong doers yet we are the ones being punished even the kids. It is just not fair.<p>He and I did business paperwork today, but that turned into a disaster. He asked me if I would help him work on it and i said sure how about tonight, (because I knew it was critical to get it done in order to receive payment) and he informed me tonight was not good maybe tomorrow. I got upset becausue I know he needs money and I need money, I definitely went backwards five large steps. I asked what was more important and he wouldn't answer... Do we dare guess..It's the OW!!<p>I recently found out other items I wish I never knew, he has been communicating with OW online in chat rooms, I wouldnt doubt if he tells them he is single.<p>I am definitely not as strong as the other people on here, I can't emotionally wait 2-18 months for him to make a decision who he wants to be with. This definitely can't be healthy for my kids forget me for now. I have awful thoughts running through my mind and I am starting to hate him for it! I loved him and do still love him with all my heart, but now I am starting to second guess my feelings...Could I just be afraid of never being with him again, I am not sure. He wants his cake and eat it too and it is so unfair that I am left to tend to the kids, have no SF and he has freedom and SF. <p>Will it change? Will he ever see the light?? Sometimes I think the big D would be easier, at least emotionally, at least then I would have answers. I believe the not knowing and the waiting is what is eating me alive!

Blond Blossom, WHERE ARE YOU?????

Deelam,<p>BB has posted a thread for you on JFO. <p>As for making it through the next few months. Well it may seem like an eternity but it is not. Your emotions are going through soo much right now you feel like life is passing you buy and you are stuck in a time warp. <p>Here's something that may help. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Then focus on building up your personal support group right around you along with us here. Vent here whenever you want. WE will be here. <p>Have you started any counseling yet? It will do you good. Also if you need meds to help you (depression and anxiety does hit hard sometimes), your doctor maybe able to help. <p>Again, work on strengthening yourself. U already know he is in contact with a OW. He is going to do that anyway. So put that as far away from you as possible. <p>read up on plans a and b. If you need some assistance, let me know. I have a writeup you can read. <p>take care,