Hello, friends,<p>A close friend of H's and mine from church passed away suddenly this morning. I immediately called H to tell him. We are planning to attend the ministry meeting tonight together (this man and his wife were supposed to be at this meeting). We also talked of going to the service Saturday morning together.<p>This man and his wife were fans of ours so to speak. They are our parent's ages and I felt as though we were pulled under their wings at times. They didn't know we separated.<p>I'm nervous because this really pushed me over the edge emotionally. I fear that I'll crumble and be vulnerable to my H, but I don't want to do this alone.<p>Any thoughts on no contact and the death of a mutual friend?<p> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

Hi, <p>I am sorry for the loss of your close friend. You are still a family and IMHO, should attend the services as a family. The fact that you will feel vulnerable is normal. You should let your H know that if he can show care. If he is being a jerk but will still go with you, then carry on as best you can but if you should break down and cry, go ahead. It is the end of the world. You are certainly entitled to mourn. Even if it includes mourning for your personal loss. <p>Hugz,

Hi, Orchid,<p>Thank you! <p>Ya know, I knew the answer to this, but I'm so unsure of myself. I seem to have so much going on these days that I really feel this was the straw that broke the camels back. Yet, I still can't pull the sobs out of myself. I feel them buried deep and I think it would be so cathartic to release it. Sure a few tears were shed tonight during the prayer for this man, but why can't I allow myself to let it all go?<p>~ sigh ~<p> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

Are you too afraid you won't stop crying if you let it all go?<p>Yesterday I had full blown break down crying, ones where I made myself sick. The best part of these crying sessions, I sleep like a baby when their over!<p>It's ok, let it all out, and pray during the whole time. The prayers I've prayed during these times are the ones that I've gotten the most comfort out of and answers from. God helps you out when you are down that low, if you just remember Him.<p>An uplifting thought of my experience in this: One day at work my H called, first off all sweet and telling me he missed me and wanted to see me that night. An hour or two later, he called on a totally different edge, then I found out why, the OW's car had been vandalized and he was trying to find out if I had done it. I hung up the phone so hurt and confused. I started to cry really hard, and had to close up my store for a few minutes to get myself collected. I went to the back room and just fell to my knees crying so hard and started praying for the first time in all of this. I prayed that God would put a conviction in the OW's heart, to open her eyes, and to open the eye's of my H. Well, that night the OW broke up with my H, she couldn't take the double life anymore! That is proof that when you are at your lowest, God is the only person who can comfort you and help you out the most.<p>Have a good cry, it's ok.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Free2BMe:
<strong>Hi, Orchid,<p>.....why can't I allow myself to let it all go?<p>~ sigh ~<p> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
IMHO, because you love him and want it all to be right again, not just for you but for your whole family. It hurts too much to see this self inflicted pain knowing you can not fix it. <p>At least that is what it was for me. Oh yea, I am stubborn!!! But seriously, I had a strong desire to make sure the WS was really that, when I began to resign myself to the fact that he was a WS jerk, then I learned to move forward. In fact I got angry that he kept trying to come back. I wanted to move forward and him leave me alone. Crazy or what? I was plan Bing him and he was trying to plan A me. Arrrgh....talk about frustrating. <p>Anyway for now your pain is there because you are the only one trying. It is ok to cry. don't be ashamed that you have a heart. K? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hugz,

Hi,<p>Thank you for the replies!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Are you too afraid you won't stop crying if you let it all go?<hr></blockquote><p>I think I'm extremely controlled right now because I remember when my H broke our engagement out of the blue in '99 and I was so baffled and crushed. I crumbled to the floor sobbing and I couldn't sleep. I remember pacing the floors throughout the night and having puffy eyes. I don't want that pain again, I don't want to be that weak again because of him.<p>When I first started dating my H it bugged him that I wasn't emotional. I tried to be strong all the time and I didn't want to appear weak. So he complained about it. After we married and I found out he was flirting on the net, etc., I broke down and cried a few times and he told me to stop playing victim.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>It's ok, let it all out, and pray during the whole time. The prayers I've prayed during these times are the ones that I've gotten the most comfort out of and answers from. God helps you out when you are down that low, if you just remember Him.<hr></blockquote><p>I want this!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>In fact I got angry that he kept trying to come back. I wanted to move forward and him leave me alone. Crazy or what? I was plan Bing him and he was trying to plan A me. Arrrgh....talk about frustrating. <hr></blockquote><p>No, not crazy at all. I want to be at this point. I know deep in my heart I could never get past all the lies and deceit. I told him last week I'd consider a reconciliation, but there are lies that go back 4 years. How do I forgive? How do I believe anything he ever says?<p>H picked me up last night for our church meeting. I was in a terrible mood from fighting with my kids and I was running late. After the meeting he brought me home and dropped me off. I offered for him to come in but he had his son waiting at home to continue studying for exams. He said something about sticking to Plan B and I didn't say anything.<p>I wanted to call him after I put the boys to bed, but I didn't. I have so many frustrations going on in my life, but I don't think he's the one for me to turn to. I need to get on my knees and seek the Lords comfort.<p>God bless!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Well, you know what, your H isn't around to see you cry, so go for it girl! He's not there to stop you from doing what ever you want to do, that's why you're in plan B now, right? Why let him still control you even when he's not there.<p>I know what it feels like to be extremely low and not wanting to ever feel like that again. When my H broke it off with the OW back in April to "give me a chance", then a week later he changed his mind because of one of her guilt trips and he told me it just wasn't going to work out with us, I became physically ill. He ended up staying the night with me because I was so upset. I sat there on my bedroom floor and wrote out how to handle all of my personal affairs, down to the phone number for my boss and what kind of food the dog ate, because my plan was to have him drive me to the looney farm first thing the next morning. He laid there that night and I just wanted to curl up so close to him, but everytime I just reached out to touch him I'd end up loosing my cookies. I never want to be that way again.<p>It's ok to be weak every once in a while. We are dealing with alot, and who says we have to be strong all the time. The only reason why your H doesn't want to see you cry is because he knows he is the one who is causing you your pain and he can't handle the guilt. He deserves to feel that way, he's hurt you in the worse way possible.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by thebetrayedone:
<strong>then a week later he changed his mind because of one of her guilt trips and he told me it just wasn't going to work out with us</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Stuff like this just kills me! Where do they get off being loyal to OW? My H would say he didn't want to hurt HER, but could give to craps about what he put ME through. I could never, ever figure that one out and it just angers me. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are so right - he did this to me so why shouldn't I show him and let him feel the guilt!<p>Thank you for opening my eyes!<p> [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]