Empty Shell - <P>Yes, you make sense. My concern was that she seemed to feel that the questions were being asked to "catch her in a lie". I explained in my post that I was out of my mind during most of my affair and couldn't keep the story straight if I tried - NOT BECAUSE I WAS LYING - but because I honestly don't know. If I said I didn't remember as an answer to a question, my H would get very upset. So I tried to remember. One problem is the duration of the affair... do I begin with when the OM came and said he thought he was in love with me, the date we first went to lunch and I felt something for him, the date we met at the hotel?? I'm not trying to be crass... I'm serious. So I said two months one time, one month at another, three months yet another time he asked. So he thinks I'm lying. I'M NOT LYING, I'm confused and hurting and I was OUT OF MY MIND with the guilt, shame, and yes... even the euphoria of it. Does that make sense?

airheart, i am really glad to hear that things are moving forward with your marriage.<BR>I hope things work out for you and your wife <P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

new_beginning --- I know that my H doesn't want to be hurtful when he wrote this list. We are both conflict avoiders, me more than he is. I actually think that the list will be helpful to me in answering his questions. I can take my time and put done a very truthful answer. An answer that I know was as honest as I could give. I wouldn't feel pressured to answer it on the spot because we were talking about it at two or three in the morning and we both had to get up in the morning. I guess I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed because there were so many questions. I'm not saying that my H shouldn't ask the questions I just wished he had not given them to me all at once.

Hi LWB -- you might be jumping the gun there on the "moving forward" part. We were moving forward last week, but we took a HUGE step backwards. Maybe 3 or 4 steps backwards... maybe all the way to the starting line! <P>Since I bared my soul on Sunday, she's hardly speaking to me. I realize that it takes time and all that. I'm waiting. But there ARE times when the marriage doesn't work... She's never been this mad this long before. It's the fact that I've kept these secrets for 10 years that really bothers her, and she thinks that it might be a pattern that I'll eventually repeat in the future. I sure hope not! To go through this hell every 10 years!?!? Yaaugh!<P>--airheart<P>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited August 25, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited August 25, 1999).]

new_beginning -- Yes I do understand what you are saying. That is part of the reason that I wrote down questions in the first place. I didn't want to place undue pressure on my W by asking all these questions in one setting. I told her in the note attached with the questions that I might have other questions later, and that her responses might prompt yet more questions. I am trying to be as fair as I can in asking her these questions.<P>I did not put a "due date" on them. I have not checked to see if she is answering them. I will wait until she tells me she is ready.<P>To go back to your response to me . . . Yes I do understand the confusion you must be going through. I understand the confusion my W has. "Luckily?" my W's physical affair was a one time thing, so I don't think she has the same types of confusion you described, but I am sure that to a point her confusion still gets in the way. Hopefully, but asking the questions in written form, it will allow my W time to think about each answer, and if the are multiple answers as you described, then she can put multiple answers. Boy that sounds confusing If for no other reason, hopefully the answers to these questions will help end some of the confusion. <P>God Bless

Airheart - its me again, from your alternate reality! I just read your post to me on my thread - maybe you're related to my H in some way off past - ever lived in Australia?!!??!! <P>Anyway, I am in the same place as your W yet again, I found out about H first affair 7 years after it happened, only about 4 mths ago. When I first found out, I was a seething mass of emotion and would ask questions all the time, in the middle of the night, before he went to work, anytime something popped up in my head. For me there were many reasons: <P>I needed to know details, to find out how much of our life since then was based on their experiences (for eg- I began to obsess that any new sexual experiences we had tried and enjoyed, must have come from their time together - not something new between US only)<P>I felt like it was just another big part of his life he was hiding from me, and he had hidden it for 7 years - what else was he hiding?<P>I was angry for not being given the chance to work things out then, I mean we went to marriage counselling about 4 years ago for a while, but hell, how can one work on problems when such a huge part of life is being hidden from 1 partner - he kept talking in hypothetical terms about what he wanted to feel (but he had actually experienced it, I just didn't know), where he felt our problems laid, but the lies were, to some part, standing in our way. Felt like if we'd had the chance to really deal with it then, I wouldn't have had to deal with all the pain since, and that the current situation might never have developed, or at least I would have been given the option of bailing out then, instead of continuing to be hurt by his "friendships" with women ever since.<P>I was angry that for years I had this feeling like I wasn't good enough for him, like I should be doing things differently, like when I finally worked out one thing I felt he wasn't happy with, another thing cropped up. I guess in some ways, I had been compared with the OW for so many years, and he was trying to gain the feelings he had with her with me, but I had no idea what I was supposed to be living up to.<P>I was really angry because he still keeps contact with her, she sent cards from her family to ours when our children were born, at christmas etc, rings occasionally, has met him for dinner/coffee since when he has been back to the city - all quite openly from both sides. I accepted the good wishes etc as coming from a friend of my H whose H I had also met, not as from an exlover - I was angry with them both for the pretense - I imagined the memories that must have been rekindled each time - and I thought she was just being nice.<P>And, I guess if I was really honest, I needed to keep asking questions in order to keep the affair from being swept under the carpet. I mean, he wasn't voluntarily talking about it, so asking questions kept it out in the open. I wanted him to be reminded of what he had done - I wanted him to see my hurt - for a while at least. After about a month or so, I started asking less questions, to the point where I don't ask any anymore - felt like I had to DEAL with it, not sweep it away like it never happened. It helped me a lot when my H answered questions without getting angry, as otherwise, I felt like he was just keeping things from me again.<P>I also thought to myself, if he lied to me so much, how can I be sure he is even answering me honestly now? So sometimes I'd ask the same question twice, I guess, as a bit of a test - sick heh!! But learning to trust again is really hard.<P>Be reassured, the questions will reduce with time - Its been 4 mths for me, and I don't ask any now. I think if an affair is current, It's easier to bring everything out in the open, but with something that has been kept in the dark for so long, when you find out, it feels like your whole life has been a lie, and that makes you angry, wondering if anything good that has happened since was just pretense as well. Questions are the only avenue of dealing with the old affair - I mean, you can't make it end, the OW is usually way out the way etc. I know my H didn't like to talk about it because, as he told me, "it's special, and it's mine". That made me even more angry and hurt. Rambling a bit here, sorry!!!!!!<BR>bye.<P><p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited August 25, 1999).]

just another addit here - don't forget you've had 10 years to process your feelings about this - it's all new to your W, and she didn't get anything good out of it! - give her time, I mean you can't expect her to put the affair away where you have after such a short time. Just my $o.o2 worth!

From the many responses to this post, you can see that the reasons for questions vary. While it may appear that W is using questions to stay mad, if she is anything like me, there are so many other things to be mad about w/or w/o your answers that I would venture to guess that this is not the purpose of her questions. I, like your W, have had to deal w/my H's affairs more than once w/the "sweep it under the rug" in full effect. He has yet to bare all. You however have done so. For that I commend you! Now, she needs time to process it all. You are dealing w/years of stuff and an old affair also. Not to mention your current feelings for most recent OW.<P>You said she has never been mad this long before. Has she ever had to deal with so much before? I wonder if you are afraid that she will decide that she doesn't want you? And that the answers to these questions will further justify in her mind why she should not stay married to you? Considering your situation, the statement about how long she has been mad struck me as odd.

I am the betrayed, and I no longer ask questions (at my H request). I also believe that our relationship will remain in neutral (without going forward, but able to roll back - like a car) until I (even if it's only in my own head) have answers to my questions.<P>Please let me explain how I felt at first, caused me to word my answer in such a way that it would make him angry. This came from my own feelings of hurt and pain. Perhaps it was my own form of revenge.....Anyway, once the intense pain subsided I had different questions, and tried to word them in a non confrontational manner. But maybe the demage was already done.....he just won't speak of the affair.<P>The questions I asked were not detail questions, they were emotion questions. things like....."What was I or wasn't I doing that made you think I no longer cared?" "What did you think about during the 45 minute drive to her house-or on the return trip?" "Did you ever consider telling me what was wrong, before you started seeing her?"<P>Maybe the questions are inappropriate, and at least for me and him, a mute issue as he refuses to discuss.......What do you think?<P>I hope that peace and love live on in your marriage.......

airheart,<P>So happy to see you! I've really appreciated your input in the past, and missed it. I'm sorry for what you're going through, it sounds very painful. <P>It looks like you've gotten lots of great feedback here. I'll add mine, in case it helps. In my case (in the past, but not now because he hasn't admitted anything and we're not ready to get into it yet), I ask my H questions because I have a need to know the details. I want to know everything. As I ask questions I get very angry and say things like "Let me get this straight, YOU did blah, blah, blah!" I need to know so I can move on, but when I'm in the middle of it my hurt feelings and fear take over. <P>I think it's worse when I'm finding out about things from the past. It is SO threatening because I was thinking things were a certain way, only to have my entire world torn apart. I associate things with holidays, birthdays, etc. I discovered last Fall that 5/98 my H had gotten in touch with an old girlfriend. I started thinking "There he was planning my birthday party, but really wasn't even caring about me. He wanted HER! What, was he thinking about HER as he gave me my birthday gifts and told me he loved me?" Then I start to question EVERYTHING. I get mad at myself for being so naive, mad at him for misleading me, etc. I could go on and on, but you get the idea.<P>Hang in there! <BR>Lizbeth

My questions have been to get back to honesty and openness in our marriage. I am angry because that is what I want to get back to but she won't give it to me. Right now she is in her control freak mode. She is doing all the things that she accuses me of doing, the most significant one being disrespectful in a nonchalant way.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Again, thanks alot for all the great responses! Everyone has helped me gain insight and perspective. Especially sosad! Somehow you seem to get to the essence of what my wife feels.<P>Enlightened -- my statement about my wife never being this mad so long was merely an observation and I don't think it was all that odd. I know full well that she hasn't gone through something like this before and hell yeah, of course I'm afraid that our marriage will end!! <P>I'm just hoping that the questions she asks will help the healing process and not harm it. That was my purpose in starting this thread. From what it sounds like, most people needed answers to heal.<P>--airheart

airheart-<BR>I understand that you were just making an observation about your wife's anger and this may be unusual for her personality and the usual dynamics of your marriage. I also understand why you started this thread and am happy that you are trying to learn and heal. And yes we all need to heal. <P>What struck ME as odd was that you stated that "there ARE times when the marriage doesn't work" and it seemed unusual to you that she would stay mad "this long" <P>You stated that she was focusing a great deal on the info from 10 years ago. I can relate to that and while happy to have received the info, unhappy that its just being dealt with 10 years later. As you know, both spouses have a lot to deal with from each perspective. You may have that roller coaster action in effect. The whole mixed bag of emotions that swing at a moments notice. You know about that. So while your disclosures provided exactly what she asked, she still has to process it. I know it must seem confusing that you gave her what she asked but she is still mad...therefore, the question of does this heal or harm. It may seem harmful at this point, but I would venture to guess that most who want answers want them to heal. It just takes time to digest it all. <P>If I came across as harsh, I certainly did not mean to. I apologize if I offended you. I feel like you have made a breakthrough w/laying it all out on the table. I just would hate for you to withhold again because you are afraid that your disclosures will hurt more than it will help. <P>Good Luck and God Bless!