Here is my story, I will be as short as possible. Been married for 20 years. 2 1/2 yrs. ago, my wife was not meeting needs, I moved out and had an affair for 4 months. I realized how wrong it was and came back, willing to give it ALL to my W. She had fought hard for me to come back, read lots of books, prayed, etc. Since that time I thought we were doing pretty well but felt after a couple of months W was having hard time forgiving/forgeting. I was patient for the most part and gave her time. 6 mo. ago I became suspicious of W having an EA with co-worker. I confronted her and she said that they were only "close" friends. I confirmed EA/PA 2 mo. ago after catching them together. She admited EA/PA. I desperately fought as hard for her as she had fought for me. We both agreed to work on M. Since that time, I have read alot and read this site. Know about concepts of Plan A but am a very needy insecure person anyway. Wife told me that she felf that she was never "perfect" enough for me and feels "pressure" from me to be what I want. I am needy and admit to trying to make her/need her to be what I want. Another way of me looking at it thought was I was/am just trying to convey to her what emotional needs I need her to fill. Now, since was are in "recovery" she is upbeat most of the time but I see through alot of it. She hates to talk to much about A and just acts like it did not happen. She is not very remorseful. She says she wants to be with me but then in another breath makes statements like "what you did changed me, I used to put you and (child) first and now I am going to make myself happy, I don't know if you are perfect enough for me now, I am hardended by what you did 2 years ago, etc., etc."
Here is my problem. While I am trying to give her space, etc. I have needs that despite my best attempts to Plan A surface every few days. I get down, deppressed, needy, want to talk about how to restore marriage, etc. She is seeing her own counselor and so am I but she says she is not ready to see a counselor together. She is also still working with OM but swears she is avoiding him and won't quite or write NC letter. I tend to believe her on this one. How can she act as if nothing ever happened, happy and upbeat, but not look me in the eye when I need it and say everything is going to be okay, I love you and we will work it out. While she seems happy, she tells me that sometimes she feels "closed in" but can't tell me what that means or what makes her feel that way. At her request, no one knows about her except both our conselors, our pastor (which she avoids talking to despite his attempts) her best friend, who has no all along. I have no one to talk to, no one is in her life telling her how wrong she was and to work it out at all costs. How do I deal with her needing me to act as if nothing happened, get on with life, etc. when I know that she won't let me get to close to her?
I need advice.
