Hi - <p>My H isn't having an affair. I am not having an Affair. My H is abusive and manipulative (you have no idea!) and it has been suggested in my one counseling session with MB, that I implement a Plan B type of arrangement. I have no idea how! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>There are kids involved. How do I have no contact until the other woman is gone when there is no other woman? How do I say to him "no contact until you agree to a plan of action that is mutually loving and fulfilling for both of us?"<p>I have no idea how to do this. Help?<p>P.S. Tried Plan A for several months, behavior didn't stop, got worse. <p>Thanks everybody.

ishtar:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>and it has been suggested in my one counseling session with MB, that I implement a Plan B type of arrangement. I have no idea how! <hr></blockquote><p>Another session might be in order. <p>I used Plan B during my wife's affair. But if you have an abusive or addicted spouse, Plan B is often used for these situations as well. The premise is the same---you want to protect your love for your spouse from the abuse (neglect, active lovebusting, etc.), and you also want to impart the seriousness of the choice of doing "nothing" (ie divorce).<p>So, I would recommend a plan. I would suggest that you ask your husband to move out, but if you feel he won't, then you should plan to move out yourself (with the kids---I know that's hard). What you've said...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I say to him "no contact until you agree to a plan of action that is mutually loving and fulfilling for both of us?"<hr></blockquote><p>...is excellent. You want your plan B letter to indicate your love for him, your willingness to work through this, but also hammer home that you must separate to save your love for him until he's willing to participate in a plan that will put the marriage back on track. It's going to be hard, but you're probably out of options at this point.<p>The logistics of Plan B aren't too difficult (unless you need a restraining order against your husband). Ideally, he would move out. You could use a go-between to transfer the kids on "agreed upon" days, or one of you could just drop them off and pick them up. Also, it might work if he could visit the kids at your house---you would leave for a few hours. Any conversations need to be businesslike and brief---but not unpleasant.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote>You want your plan B letter to indicate your love for him, your willingness to work through this, but also hammer home that you must separate to save your love for him until he's willing to participate in a plan that will put the marriage back on track <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote><p>Thank you! I needed to hear words like these...is there a "boiler plate" template for plan B or something? I have written several letters to the effect that we need to work on a plan, but nothing yet that says I refuse to have any contact with him till he agrees to a plan of action. <p>whooo boy, is he gonna throw a fit [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Ishtar,<p>Plan B is covered in Surviving an Affair---although you'd need to substitute "affair" with "abuse" or "thoughtless behavior". There are plenty of Plan B letters posted on the website, and you can use those as a template for the actual letter.<p>Basically, getting prepared for a separation is a lot of work. Especially for you---you probably don't have a way to force him to leave, so you want to prepare for two carefully laid out scenarios: the one in which he leaves (easier), and the one in which you leave and take the kids (much harder). You could also consider leaving him and the kids, but that would put you at risk for "abandonment" should you want to have physical custody after a divorce, and I'd also worry for the kids unless your husband was an excellent father (and I'm assuming his anger issues affect his parenting skills).<p>And counseling with the Harley's is also excellent advice... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]