Hi,<p>If you read my last thread then you know WH and I are talking about a reconciliation. Actually, we are going to meet next week to discuss what it would take and the rules of engagement since we are separated.<p>I'm back and forth with whether or not I can handle a reconciliation. I'm just so scared!<p>And now... the obsessions of the OW have started again. I was doing quite well until today, but I find myself obsessing over her, him and THEM! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't want to relinguish my power and allow her back into my thoughts and life this way.<p>I want to let go and let God!<p>Has anyone read the book "Should I stay or Go" by Lee Raffel? Another MB member said her WH is reading it and I can't help but think it might be a good book for me since I'm undecided. Is this book based on making the decision after an affair or just the decision in general?<p>I'd appreciate any feedback!<p>Thank you!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Ok, calm down, breath in, breath out!<p>Say the prayer I said, that you are handing everything over to God now, that you are letting go and letting God direct you on your path. Ask for Him to give you the words to say, and the stength to say them, and the knowledge to bite your tongue when need be.<p>The pressure is on, I know it's hard, but you will make it. Be strong, don't break down, stand your ground, it's been too long of him, him, him, it's time to start trying to turn the focus on you some. If need be write down everything you want to say, and have it handy to refer to. Just write like you were doing a brain storm, it doesn't need to make sense. <p>I know it's hard to not think of the OW, but with me after nearly 2 months of her being out of the picture, I can say that I don't think of "them" as much as I just think of her now. Yea, some thoughts do pop in my head every now and then, but you know what, it's the past, we have to get over the past and focus on the future, it's the only way we can truly move ahead in anything we do.<p>Take it slow though, just like I'm sure it took you two time to develop a relationship that lead to marriage, it will take time to rebuild it as well. Good things come to those who wait, don't force anything, and go with the flow some, but don't let yourself get walked on either. <p>Spend this week relaxing, take a nice bubble bath, go for a walk in the woods, spend some quite time reflecting. YOU will get through this! Have some faith in yourself, and God as well.<p>I'll keep you in my prayers as well.

Thank you for the reply! It just helps having this forum, knowing that someone will be gracious enough to say what needs to be said. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I find myself checking his home and work answering machines and I had a dream that I stayed at his apartment and he had 2 messages on his machine that he wouldn't listen to with me there. I wanted to push the play button so badly, but I didn't - I went home.<p>He stopped by last night for about 5 minutes. I told him I was starting my obsessions again about him and he said that's why he stopped. He had been umpiring a game and he wanted me to see him with the uniform on so I wouldn't stress wondering.<p>I was thinking about all his lies this morning and wondering how I get past those. That's what I need to work on.<p>Thanks again for reminding me to breathe and PRAY!<p>God bless!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Free2BMe,<p>IMHO, you should get Steve or Jennifer to help you out. It might be only couple of sessions since both of you are willing. This is the first step. The road to recovery is very narrow, you might need a professional coaching. The premises of MB is that we would be able to build our M with fullfilling ones given that both party willing.<p>Be honest to your H and let him know every single doubt and hope he will response to you.<p>Care, protect, time and honesty -RH-

Just so you know, it's been about a year for me. I fought for so hard to keep my marriage. We've been married for over 7 years. After the betrayal, he cut off the OW. I still wonder where he is and what he's doing when I'm not with him. It's painful, but it's getting fewer and farther between. I still love him and always will, but some days are a real struggle. It will get better but it takes time.

I had a hard day today with my emotions. I have a lot of stress in my life right now besides my marriage and it's really building up. I'm also not feeling real well so that is affecting me emotionally.<p>Redhat, I feel as though I'm an unraveled ball of yarn, going in every direction and out of control. My H just agrees with everything I say about his female friendships. He agrees what he does is wrong, yet he still does them.<p>I know I keep setting myself up for failure. I would love for him to fight for my love. When we separated I was hoping he would miraculously wake up and fight. I don't feel as though he wants this marriage really. <p>He has posted here back in the early months of our marriage, but mostly he used my words here against me. I would love for him to come here and post on his own. <p>He's calling our insurance today to get some names of counselors. He's not happy with the run around you get and needing the referral and all that. He says I'll see by his actions that he's serious and wants "us".<p>I asked way too many questions today about one woman he emails with/talks on the phone with. This is exactly why I wanted to separate - so I could detach from all the questioning and obsessions, yet here I am again with the feeling of heavy bricks on my chest.<p>kellyr, we've had many false recoveries in the last 2 years and I'm not sure I want to go through the emotions for another year. I shouldn't have to wonder what he's up to all the time. I shouldn't have to feel so darn insecure all the time.<p>I was at my sons ball game tonight and I was sitting with one of the moms and a married couple was coming across the field and she said "they act as though they just got married". It saddened me because my H and I were always like that, like we just got married - and now we're just too frustrated, confused, lost souls.<p>~sigh~<p>I guess it's pity party time! <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts!

Free2BMe:<p>I am going to say what is probably going to be unpopular - So, I apologize in advance.<p>Hon, I think it is way too early to be considering reconciliation. Plus, Redhat is right; counselling is a must. BUT, you two have been down this road so many times now that you need more than a commitment to recovery and counselling before reconciling - a LOT more.<p>Your H says that you will see by his actions that he is serious and that he wants the 'us' scenario. Well, that's true, but why rush into reconciling. If he is serious and wants to be with you, then his actions will be clear, unambiguous and completely open, honest, and recovery oriented. Unless and until you see these things and feel safe (not 100% but mostly safe), I don't think you should reconcile. You can go to counselling together, set the ground rules for spending time with one another, agree on and use the MB principles; in fact, you should do all these things if you are open to a possible reconciliation. But all of these things should be about laying the groundwork for a continuing dialogue about your relationship and establishing new, improved and workable rules to live by. AND your H should find another job right away, even without an agreement from you about reconciling.<p>I think your H needs to 'walk the walk' consistently for a duration of months (and not days or weeks), before you venture into the waters of reconciliation. <p>Free, you are a veteran of too many 'false recoveries', as you mentioned. Going to plan B was the best thing you could do and appears to have your H wanting to make changes that were non-negotiable a short time ago. But, words are cheap. Let him show you he is serious first and then maintain that conduct consistently (not perfectly but consistently).<p>As you know, going to plan B was the only thing that really prompted my H to take responsibility, make changes, and 'walk the walk'. I thought three months of recovery-oriented conduct was a good basis to agree to reconciliation. BUT, if I had that decision to make again, I would have stayed separated a while longer; I might have saved myself (and the kids) from some big 'dips' and H might have believed how completely serious I was about the necessary changes.<p>As far as the list of conduct on your H's part, going to a minimum number of joint counselling sessions and individual counselling sessions, in addition to changing jobs, is only the beginning of that list. Full access to everything at all times, monitoring software, a reading list on topics ranging from infidelity to the sexual addictions to breaking the pornography habit in addition to discussions with you (and an accountability partner) all come to mind as possibilities for other conduct. I am sure you have many other ideas.<p>If your H is actually willing to live by the list in word and deed, and he does it with consistency for a sustained period of time, then you have the basis to weigh the factors favoring reconciliation. Right now, you are simply weighing his new promises against your month long (I think) plan B. From where I am, plan B is easily the better choice.<p>Then again, all of this is simply MHO.<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay<p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

Hi, OnDay,<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>All you say is wise and true! We aren't rushing right in to a physical reconciliation at all. He has 5 more months on his lease and I intend on him fulfilling that lease agreement.<p>Tomorrow we'll be spending time together to set the ground rules. My fear is that we'll agree to work on the marriage while separated and not see other people and I'll turn down a good man only to find my H is still up to his old tricks. I'm really not looking for another relationship, but stranger things happen when you're not looking. Is this bad thinking?<p>We are having lots of SF at this point and it's been so great, but I feel as though it's affair sex. I feel as though our sex is now the forbidden sex, yet we do it. Does that make sense?<p>I'm not sure if he's talking with his coworker OW or not. I don't think she calls him at his apartment (I've checked his answering machine a few times when I know he hasn't been there for too long) and the phone never rings when I'm there.<p>My concern is that he's still having his affection need met by other women. He was talking and emailing with a woman he met from TX while conducting business on the phone. He says he hasn't heard from her in at least a month. We spent quite a bit of time together yesterday and he kept his cell phone turned off. She has that number.<p>I'm going to be honest with him tomorrow and tell him my fears and concerns. I don't want to lead him on with thinking of reconciling only to decide later I can't do it - I can't trust him.<p>I'm so happy you popped in! Thank you!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I believe strongly in courting before total reconciliation. Date, have fun, and go home and still get the bed to yourself at night for a while! You fell in love with each other this way in the beginning, and I believe to recreate that, you really do have to start all over in some areas.<p>How much fun would it be for him to come knocking at your door with flowers before going out on a date. And then him walking you to your door at night and giving you a good night kiss. And at least for me, the idea of him actually getting to stay the night and no curfew! My H and I dated while I still lived at home, so it was I had to be home by midnight (right up to the night before my wedding!), and if my H was at my house, he had to be out by midnight and no being alone. (yes, my parents were strickt on this, to be more exact, my mother was psycho on this!). So, I'm looking forward to "dating" again, afterall, I have read in marriage advise columns that happy couples should still "date" some, to add a spark to the relationship.

Good morning,<p>Today we are doing that dating stuff. We both have the day off and are going to lunch and rent a video or two.<p>I had a nightmare that we got back together but he disappeared for about 3 hours. It turned out he was at an affair support group with male and female participants and he had 2 of the women with him when I found him. I made him choose the group or our marriage and he chose the group.<p>Yikes!<p>Thanks for the support!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]