I found out my H was having an affair while he was on a business trip with the military. He said it was only 3 separate times. I found out from the OW in Dec 2001, when I was 7 mo pregnant. He was remorseful but admits he had no intention of ever telling me. He denies any further emotional/physical attachment to the OW since Aug 01. I decided to try to work it out with him but now I don't know if I'm making the right decision. I have no desire to be a single mom, but I just don't feel the same way about him as I once did. I feel I'm leading a phony life and that maybe I deserve better. On the other hand he's a wonderful father and helps alot around the house, but is that a reason to stay with someone? I'm so hurt and I just don't know that I can get past it and lead a normal marriage with him. Any advice?
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: bren ]</p>

Well you have just found out something that has hurt you bad. With dealing with a similiar situation myself with finding out that my wife(WS) has done something behind my back three separate times in our 9 years together it is hard. The advice I can offer to you is don't make a very irrational decision based upon your feelings right now. You are hurting and it is hard to make the right decision. This is a very big decision and it is better to make this decision after you have put some thought behind it. Also have you considered counseling? Have you spoken to your husband about your feelings and what this had done to you and your marriage? I would recommend that in some shape or form that you give this an honest chance and try. If you don't try you might look back one day and trully regret your decision to leave.
Hang in there you aren't alone....It is hard but keep your head high....

Hi Bren,<p>Welcome to marriage builders. Sorry you are here because of the aftermath of an A. It is hard and you have a little one fully dependent on their parents. <p>Now to help you. Have you read the basci concepts section located under the MB logo up top? If you have, find the books surviving an affair. It will help the both of you. If you can also get with a good MC or even call Jennifer or Steve. This is their site and they have helped many. <p>You are actually in a better position than most. If your H is home and working on his family that is a good sign. Now we need to get you back on your feet. <p>You do have the right to be angry but let's learn how to take that energy and turn it into something good. <p>Read the info above and post back your thoughts. <p>take care,
L.

Thanks for the replies. We did do marriage counseling x3 sessions--very expensive! Then we had the baby in Feb and moved in March. I did read Surviving an Affair as recommended by the counselors. We went over the questions together in the back--I guess it was somewhat helpful in identifying our problem areas. He doesn't really see the value in continuing counseling. He "knows" what he did wrong and "doesn't need to pay someone to tell him". I don't feel I can force him to go to counseling if he feel there is no benefit to him. I may be having delayed reaction to this A because I had so much going on in such a short time span that I just forged ahead. Right now I really have a feeling of apathy towards working on this marriage.

bren,<p>Glad you found this site! You have dealt with a lot in a short amount of time. What are your H's actions telling/showing you? Are you able to discuss your feelings with him even if he doesn't think he needs counseling? You mentioned you moved - are you away from the OW? Did they work in the same unit?<p>Hope you're feeling a bit better!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Free2BeMe--<p>I was lucky I guess--the OW lived in another state than we previously did or do now. He was involved with her only on "business" trips. She is not in the military and hopefully doesn't know where we've moved. She would be the type to find out though. She got my work # and called me x2--once to break the news of the A and again to say she is prego--she said she was in love but my H has no reported attachment. We both think she is lying about the pregnancy--she never told him about it and she told me when she would have been 5 mo along--i think she would have known before then. I don't really talk to H about my issues/current emotional state (back to the feeling of apathy). We're getting ready to move again in another 2 mo (overseas)--all my stuff is already shipped, so I can't even move out for a separation if I wanted to. My next plan is to get a job and a sense of security for me and the kids in case things don't work out. Right now I'm a stay at home mom. When I have discussed my feelings of indecision with my H, he said I need to stop dwelling on the A because it's not helping the situation. Who is he to say when I am supposed to stop hurting? I don't think I dwell on the A, but it comes to mind often enough. It seems like the A was just a bump in the road to him and he really doesn't think about it. I really haven't noticed any change in his behavior since the A. But then again, I never knew it was happening in the first place.<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: bren ]<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: bren ]</p>

Bren, <p>Counseling is expensive. But so is going to the doctor for an avoidable surgery. Since you are also in the midst of moving, I recommend the next best thing is to read all the info here. The book his needs/her needs is also good. <p>Learning to love and let go is part of the healing process. Read the basic concepts and letters even more than once. They helped me when I had to put my MC on hold due to $$ problems. <p>Now here is a trade BS secret..... now that your H is back with the family, learn the look. It can be the look of love, happniess, sadness, disappointment or whatever, but the important thing is make eye contact a way to communicate. It works. <p>L.

Welcome bren...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>Money is always a tough issue...
... but Orchid (aloha)... nailed it on the head.<p>You may also be going through some tough times with the new baby...
...depression... ...post partum.... etc.
...can kick in at this time...
So... making life changing decisions is not a good thing now.<p>Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>Do Plan A as long as you can...
...for you... (it is primarily for you!...
...for your baby...
...for you H!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR<p>[ June 15, 2002: Message edited by: NSR ]</p>