Thanksgiving of 98 I knew something was troubling my husband. Dec 1 98. He told me he was unhappy. I asked why, he replied he didn't know. I said I would like to help him. Dec 4 98 I knew their was another woman.Then he tells me if hes going to work on his marriage he needs to stay out of the crusin point (gas station), Well he never stayed out and on Dec 23, I learned who she was. A friend kinda. Someone everyone use to make jokes of. Well he stayed at home till Jan 18, 99 and that night our children went to a hotel to swim I fell asleep and when we got home he had moved out. He kept going out and leaving us at home not even talking with us. His girlfriend is 29 he's 41 she had never been married lived at home with her parents I think hes her first boyfriend. she about 4'11 275lbs and nobody liked her no personality. Well he jumps at everything she says and wants and doesn't bother with his family. I am nice and polite to him I don't demand anything from him. We run a business together and have for 23 yrs. He tells me he's pretty happy. I told him I didn't really believe that because if he was he wouldn't come to see me 5 times a wk for sex or he wouldn't see other women. I once put a sucker bite on his neck and He told her that I pinched him and she told me I better stop pinching him. She believes every lie he tells her. We have 2 grandchildren and 3 children. He was close to our grandson and my husband is just starting to have some contact with him. He put a hold on our divorce for 30 days to work on our marriage the only work he's done is move himself and ow to a nicer apt. He tells me today we have lots of problems and wont tell me what they are. I keep my faith in God. On Nov. 11 I was getting ready to go to parent teachers conf. and my grandson was in my room with me and he looks and me and says Grandma you better move those clothes and I asked why he said Papa's coming home and he has to put his their. The next day I was served with divorce papers that my 3yr old grandson brought to me. I started to cry and my grandson had no ideal what I was crying about and he told me dont cry Papa's coming home. I love my husband and some people tell me I am stupid. God gave me that unconditional love. I did order the book and I'm not sure what Plan A and Plan B are. Please help. Thanks

Dear Brown,<P>If you click on the "Home" word at the top of your page under the big heading Marriage Builders it will take you to the home page of Dr. Harley. On the left side of this page there will be some topics. One of the topics is Plan A and Plan B. Click on Plan A and learn as much as you can through reading. It is quite involved and even the most seasoned of us still have unanswered questions about it, but it does work for many in your situation...<P>I am so sorry for the pain and suffering that you have been going through. It does sound like your husband is going through what we call an EA (Emotional affair). This type of affair is like an addiction and needs to be treated as such.<P>The fact that he hasn't thrown in the towel with you marriage shows great promise. You will need to do some work at this site to better ensure you are given the time and tools to help him rid himself of his addiction. Read all the topics found in the Marriage Builder site. There are pages worth of wonderful info. <P>Good luck, post here when you need a helping hand.<P>Meg

Hi Brown: Thanks for your story.. It helps to know a little detail.. My h too, Thanksgiving of 98, I could tell something was wrong... He said "I am not happy".. I mean this came all of a sudden.. Well, I suspected ow,, confronted on several occasions which were met with denials.. I finally found out 3/99 for sure..<P>This is an addiction Brown.. There are 3 books that I read that have helped me immensely.. First, read Surviving an affair,,Then 2 others that are helpful are Private Lies, and After the Affair.. <P>After you read SAA, and begin implementing your plan A,, somehow, very subtly if you can, get him to read some exerpts from the books After the Affair, and Private Lies.. Specifically, Chapt. 13 of Private Lies.. This Chapt. explains in detail that the chances for a successful marriage to this ow will not work out.. Its a real eye opener.. My h read it and it scared the heck out of him.. Also, in After the Affair, there is a section on Romantic Love,, and it talks about how the betrayer should go about making their decision. Its good.<P>When my h was real down, and confused and would come to me,, I would just leave him a note with the chapt. in the book I thought he would like to read.. and leave it on the desk.. Dont try to force it.. I have learned through my own mistakes that our h's need to figure this out on their own. Do not preach, do not beg... Work on you, be patient and follow plan A to the best of your ability.. Most of all in plan A,, do not Lovebust (you will learn about it).. It truly will send him further toward ow... Let her lovebust... Let her make selfish demands etc..<P>Because affairs are based on lies, deceit, mistrust etc., they rarely survive.. Its a matter of time that it runs it course. Once the passion and newness of an affair ware off, and real life set in they usually end quickly,, because that is the only thing they are built on...<P>I wish you would have found this site earlier, but am glad you found it.. Educate yourself as much as possible.. Everytime you get down,, come to this site and vent, or just read.. There are many times I would feel like giving up.. I would come to this site and read,,, and I would find hope, and I would get through the day.<P>I also learned through experience that unless your freinds have been through this, they wont even have a clue.. Many of mine told me the same yours are telling you. I finally had to quit talking to them, because they really do not understand. You will learn through this site, and from what you read that what you and your h are going through is pretty typical of an affair...Try to talk to people on this site that have been there.. Your friends arent going to be able to really help you with advice. If I would have listend to mine, I would have been divorced by now...<P>It is a good sign your h is showing some indicision. Some how if you can get him some reading material do it.. Any doubt that he can form about his chances with ow is good.. but the doubt really cant come from you.. I tried that,, had to back off..<P>My home email address is pnagel7@cs.com I will be around all weekend if you want to email me privately. I usually check this site every day. <P>I hope to hear from you... Good luck.. God Bless.. There is hope!!

Brown: Also,, I posted some exerpts from the book "Private Lies" chapt 13,, on why marriages to op do not work.. Statistically I have read that only about 3% make it. Actually too I read that the chance of you getting a divorce from your H and remarrying him within 5 years are better than your h having a successful marriage to ow. Typically, the relationship doesnt even get to marriage.. It fizzles out before then. <P>I will bring my post title Private Lies to the top for you... Look for it and let me know what you think,<P>------------------<BR><BR>

Mickey is really giving you some great insight.<P>If you need prayer partners for your marriage, there is a section on the forum for a "women's bible study." It is based on the book "Power of a Praying Wife".<P>Keep posting and reading everything! <P>Prayers and hugs to you.<BR>tnt

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