I am finally deciding to join the discussion because I need help understanding what I should do next!!!! 5 months ago I began Plan A when my H of 15 years and 3 kids reveals multiple A's and that he never left me because of the kids(12,10,8). He no longer attracted(I have gained 50 pounds since we got married)to me and is tired of the loveless marriage and wants to date!!! I am taken by surprise but convince him that we should try and work it out for the kids. I believe he has a SA problem since he is very into internet porn. He goes to counseling and more or less decides that it will be a wait and see for our marriage. The counselors take on it was for him to give it a year but if he cannot practice mongomy that he should not be married. I am doing Plan A, being a good wife, on a great A diet, but although he is trying and still living under the same roof and still having sex he is not affectionate or loving. I decide there must be more that he is not telling me and boy do I find it!!! By snooping which I am not sure at this point is helping me I have found he is currently having an A with a MOW that I think has been going on for multiple years. They have met once a month since D day but communicate via emial etc. Today he tells me he is leaving town unexpectedly and I know its to meet her on her business trip. I would love to call him on all this but in reading MB --I am not ready to be right but would like to save this marriage. How will I last this week when he will be with her? How can I be such a fool and have sex with this man? I just can't believe he is such a liar/cakeeater. Should I stop snooping and just Plan A? I am being the good wife and mother, looking out for myself (the only thing I can control!!!)but can barely look at him tonight now that I know he is lying again!!! I just need some expert advice!!!

I'm not a major expert, I have not confronted my H either. I don't snoop as often, each time I tell myself I won't. Nothing changes, I think I do it hoping that I won't find what I'm looking for and I do find it. Snooping usually makes me feel bad. I find it easier to Plan A, when I don't snoop. (but we have to know, right, damned if we do and damned if we don't)<p>Not much advice here, but I will give you a welcome. I've been here about a month. I've learned alot. It helps to talk to other who have been there too.

Thanks for your response -- yes I almost feel addicted to the snooping and then the next minute I wish I didn't know what he was doing!!! I too am hoping that I find an end to this A -- I only see him being more cautious!!!!I just can't believe he would risk time off from his job!! I tried to go to bed but can't sleep next to him without thinking what a lying/cakeater he is!!! so it will probably be a long night. I wish he was leaving tomorrow!! I am going to do less snooping and then at least this feeling of hopelessness will not be as bad -- I only hope I won't feel like a bigger fool than I feel currently!!! I know I need to do my best for the kids and let them know I did everything I could to make this all work out!!!

Hi and welcome to MB. <p>It is a hard place to be but the support here is great! Now as to your situation. What information from here have you read? Have you seen an MC? Steve and Jennifer offer phone counseling services. They can be for both or just you. <p>You are getting tired of snooping, that is progress. You want to protect the interests of your family, that also is progress. <p>Now go and read the book his needs/her needs by Dr. W. Harley and the book love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. Both will give you helpful ideas on how to handle your H and continue to strengthen yourself. You will learn what you can fix and what you can not. Also you will learn your best allies to help you survive this situation. <p>Then come back and let us know your thoughts, vents and how you are doing. <p>take care,
L.

Orchid -- I tried to get the book Tough Love but will read the book His Needs Her Needs this week while my H is away with MOW. It has been a hard day and I keep making comments that I know what he is doing. I can't help myself -- I want him to cancel this trip and stay home and work on US!!! How in the world can he go off with her -- I feel so used!! How can I supply the EN's he needs especially sex when he will be off in another state for days with her and unlimited love and SEX. I feel like I could go crazy and would like tomorrow to come fast!!! I just don't think loving his kids will keep this marriage together!!! Well I need to stop so I can control the crying that has just begun!!! Maybe tomorrow will be brighter!!!

Welcome ithurtssobad...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>Boy... Orchid... you are the busy one...
...while other veterans are taking a break!<p>About your post...ithurtssobad...<p>Seriously... your D-day has already come...
...and it is time to reveal to you H...
...you know truth.<p>Now...
...in a very loving way...
...bring it to his attention...
...and let him know... you love for him is very strong, and can overcome so much.<p>Don't argue...
Don't fight...
Don't yell...
Express your honest hurt feeling...
...and let him know you will be a better person (not necessarily skinnier... that doesn't guaranteee being better!)<p>Loving him doesn't mean you have to stop "snooping"...
...in fact... as part of recovery...
...he will need to have you do this!<p>You must... start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>Love.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

Thank you NSR -- I took your advice and revealed to my H that I knew about his A with MOW that has been going on for 3+ years!!! I know he is in a fog but he has seen improvement in us so he is confused. He states he loves me but is not in love with me. It did not sopt him from flying away this morning with her but I have him thinking! I will keep Plan Aing- maybe a manicure and pedicure will be a nice treat. I am just not sure I can take his calls this week while he is away from her!! Oh well one day at a time. I do want to be married more than I want to be right and of course I can not control his decision. I am in alot of pain but very proud how I handled everything in a calm loving manner.

Morning IHSB, <p>You sound better. U might not feel better but you sound better. Consider that progress. Now take the info from NSR and read it carefully. You need to properly understand plan A (which is where you are right now) and learn how to execute it correctly. Then go read up about plan B. <p>These plans are designed for different situations on your part not your H's. It is more about how to take care and how you need to understand what is going on. U are not a doormat, you are not the 2nd choice. U need to strengthen your support group and learn to stand up for your rights while dealing with this 'confused man'. Yes, his words are very much in line with the Ws. <p>At present we are trying to locate where that darn A on-line course is where our mates learn to use those ridiculous WS phrases and other hurtful things. They think they are unique but in reality all of those things have already been said in other A. <p>NSR, yes I have been having a busy MB weekend. Now I have to go to work so I can have 1 weeks vacation. Go figure!?!?!? LOL!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . By the way, how are you doing? Thanks for you help. I just love the way you present 'just the facts'. <p>take care,
L.

Well I don't think I have ever felt this bad since my world came tumbling down in January. The pit of my stomach aches, I can barely be productive and sleep is difficult. I am reading His Needs/Her Needs while H is with MOW out of town!!!! It sickens me he has no respect for our family that he goes off for a sexual tryst for 5 days!!! His comment as I drive him to the airport (am I so pathetic) is I guess this is the end of my fun!!!! My comment was in akidding tone that I doubt that!!! How can I believe he will be thinking about what to do when he is in a fantasy getaway. I feel very negative towards him right now and dread picking him up from the airport. I am not sure I can be upbeat when I would prefer to kill him!!! Well I am off to workout which will help my mood but I can't stop looking at the clock and thinking about what they are doing. You would think my kids would keep me busy but I am being very unproductive!!! Oh well I just needed to talk to someone since its me, MB, my journal and H that knows the crisis that is occurring under my roof!!

Ok -- I know I am writing again but it truly makes me feel better to vent!!! I came home from my workout to find out my H called and told the kids to tell me he called. Does he think it makes me feel better to know he has been with HER all night!!! Is he such a jerk that my feelings are not even part of the picture? He just left yesterday and typically would only call once during a business trip of this length (mostly to check and see if I am picking him up from the airport!!) I was feeling so good after my workout and now I feel like SH..!!! Oh well thanks for listening -- I know there is not much to say about this mess!!!!

Hi, <p>What you are going through is the vicious cycle of grieving. There is a thread that I promote a lot but my other computer is down so I dont' have that link. If you look at several other's sig lines you might see that thread. Read it. <p>It is called the 5 stages of grieving. If I see it I will post it here. Sorry for the rambling. <p>Anyway, get yourself to the doctor. Tell them what situation you are in and they might perscribe something to help tie you over. Not remove the problem but help you get some rest. Anxiety attacks are quite common to us here. What you are going through is very stressful. <p>Keep posting and see if you can get to a doctor and a MC. STeve and Jennifer to counseling by phone. Cost a bit but convienent and good. <p>It is good you are working out. I get to work out this week by spring cleaning. My first real time off in over 10 months!!! <p>Hugz,
take care,
L.

Okay --call me a taker since all I do is read the different MB stories and ask advice. My WH comes home tomorrow night from his 5 day escapade with MOW. I have been reading His Needs and Her Needs, working on myself (working out everyday-- what great therapy)and am not sure how I am going to look or speak to him when I pick him up at the airport. What do I do? Maybe I am worrying for nothing -- the kids have talked to him but I have luckily missed his calls!!! I hate confrontation and this is probably how his A lasted so long!!! Anyway he could walk off that plane and tell they have both decided to leave their families. I did stress to him that his fantasy would mess up eight people's lifes!!!Help me not LB but not feel like a doormat!!! Thanks for all the help -- I do feel better everytime I logon but I think I need to do it less during the daytime so my oldest does not figure out what I am reading all day!!!Right now the kids are in the dark (maybe not totally )about how messed up their parents are!!!! Thanks again!!!

Hi,<p>If you are still in plan A, you should pick him up with a smile (as much as humanly possible). Don't worry the need to spill the guts will come later. <p>If he wants to talk about the A and you are not ready, tell him to wait. If you want to talk and he is not ready then U wait. It does no good to talk when other person is not ready. <p>If you can't wait any longer, then find a neutral 3rd party or counselor to help mediate. Vent here when you need. <p>Plan B is when you stop contact and don't talk about the A. <p>That's it for starters. <p>take care,
L.

ISHB,<p>First of all, I think you are a very brave person to stay and face the situation instead of just throwing in the towel. Be prepared for him to "test" you by doing other hurtful things so he can place the blame on you. I find it helpful to think my WH has gone temporarily insane. If you pray, ask God to help you forgive, understand, and deal with whatever destructive thoughts are running through your head. <p>I agree with trying to obtain some medication. I have found it helps me cope with those horrible "helplessness" feelings. <p>Good luck!

Thank you brokenhearted for calling me brave. At times I feel like a fool or sadist in some way to tolerate my WH's behavior. He came home from his trip and told me he is moving forward to ending the A. He is not ready for NC so I am just taking what he says with a grain of salt. I tried to get him to read His Needs Her Needs but did not have any luck. He asks me to summarize and comes up with this engineering thinking that its just common sense. I wanted to shout back what happened to his common sense of right and wrong but bit my tongue an smiled!!! I am still working on me and realize I am the only person I can control. I get great satisfaction that my knowing everything has put a damper on his fun. I wish now I would of said something sooner so he may have not gone on this trip. Of course I have no control of him but thinking of him 5 days with her made me physically and emotionally sick. It surprises me that I feel better with him home. I will keep reading and working on myself!!! Thanks

Well its been awhile since I last wrote. My H returned from his trip expecting me to be packed with the kids and out of here!!! He has decided he wants to stay and I told him he had to have NC with OW. He understands the NC but wants to know how she is doing!!! I told him that it would not work and he agrees but tells me that its hard to cut off all contact. Well he tells me that he wrote her one last time but I did not see the letter. We have not talked since his decision. I continue to work on myself and at this time I can not tell if he is in contact with the OW. I have seen no evidence of emails but I have no idea about phone calls. I am ready to buy a recorder and stick it in his office but feel I should give it more time since its only been 3 weeks. He continues to look at multiple porno sites but not as frequent as he has done in the past, I know its one step at a time and I am trying to be patient. I continue reading, etc -- I sometimes feel like I am married to stranger and then the next minute he is the man I love and married. I know there is many out there in the same situation. I guess I am feeling frustrated especially since I just visited my family who have no idea. We were discussing one of my sisters neighbors infidelity and the consensus at the table was get rid of him. They would die if they knew my story and what I have put up with!! Oh well I am feeling so unsure so I just needed to write!!

Hi,

Glad you came back and posted an update. I don't think I could have survived if I knew my H was off with OW for 5 days let alone drive him to and pick him up from the airport.

How do you feel about yourself these days?

3 weeks is not a long time, but I know the frustration of the waiting game.

Keep up the good work on yourself and keep posting!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear IHSB,

I too have the problem of reading everyone else's stories and not contributing much, but I am trying to get better at this. I think you are couragous and strong to keep it together for your family. I definitely know how hard that can be, especially with multiple As. I went to my doctor right after I found out (to get checked for all STDs) and had a huge breakdown. Now I am taking Zoloft and it does help me thru the real rough times. And those are many. I wish I could give you more encouragement, but I beleive that we are all on a long and bumpy road. So continue to take care of yourself, it sounds like you have found working out makes you happy. GOOD FOR YOU! All the best wishes to you!

PQ
Married: 7 yrs
Together: 8 yrs
One Daughter: 7 yrs. old
D-day 4/26/02

Still works w/OW every day, we are getting ready to sell our house and move 2500 miles away from all this. Yet he doesn't think we have a chance.

Thanks PQ for your words of wisdom. I havn't contributed because at times I wonder if I truly am a fool to put up with my H's s..t for the good of the family. Don't get me wrong -- he treats me kindly, we have good s.. but I feel he is not completly committed. I have not asked him what has been his current contact. It would have to be via email or phone and like I mentioned before I am ready to install a tape recorder. IF something is broken I want it fixed immediately and I know that is not real life. I have decided that I will ask him to chat when its been a month since he came home from his five day overnight with OW and see how honest he can truly be!! I know he loves me but is not in love so I really do not want to push him. Do you think a month is too soon? He talks about refinancing the house etc but I don't want him to settle -- we need to improve us, remove her, and be a happy family. I hope this can become a reality but I do feel this is a long way away. We enjoy each others company but he is a loner in alot of ways and is not going to initate some kind of date or does not commit when I mention that we need to do something together. I am feeling great about myself in the sense that I am taking care of myself and like the way I look. The working out is such great therapy. I am currently reading Rescuing the Relationship and hopefully the sad days will be less. Its hard tonight since it is my S birthday and in some ways I would like to turn back the clock and avoid this current mess and go back to the time when my H was in love with me!! Oh well --even my H says we can't go back and say what if!!! Oh well I only hope this all ends up BETTER THAN EVER!!

IHSB:

I have to give you a great deal of credit for having handled everything the way you say you have thus far--you are a far better person than myself. D-day for me was 6/9/01 (yes over a year ago) and I still have the need to snoop and confront with the truth. I guess I am just a very honest person, and at first, I felt I should just let him know why I felt the way I did; because of course, every time I snooped and found something, I was that much more hurt. I am also an auditor by profession, and a part of me enjoys trying to beat him at this little game he thinks he's getting away with. I know by MB principles, this is all wrong! I have just scheduled a counseling session with Jennifer on this Wed., so maybe she can drill some sense into me. (Obviously, I can't drill any into my WH).

I am sorry. This ended up being more about me than you. I am very proud of you and think you are handling everything very well--keep up the good work and you'll be one of these success stories!

Dmand