D -- It is hard not to snoop. My H left for the day and there are 2 new messages in his email. I would love to know if one is from the OW but although H knows I snoop I am not ready to read mail that he has not received. Sometimes I think he wants me to read it since he did not change his password but he deletes everything he receives!! THe joys of snooping. I want to get back the affection but I am not ready to initiate it in fear of rebutal. H knows I love him but I am also avoiding those words. I know after his trip he decided he needed to take his responsibities seriously and therefore staying in the M. I don't want to just survive -- I need us to be better than ever-- I need to be patient and hopefully he will come around. I need to have less anxiety over the waiting game --sometimes I have such anxiety over us when I am laying next to him. I know my expectations are too high since the affection was not there before I found out about OW. Why did I settle for what we had and now that it is threatened to be taken away do I want so much more?

I need to continue journaling here because I definitely have my ups and downs. We have so many unsolved issues but I know we need to take one day at a time. I continue to work on my -- My new saying --"Its all about ME!!!" I am putting myself first and then the kids -- I am being a good wife and waiting to see something more than kindness. We haven't sat down and really talked because I believe even though he's not seeing the OW -- I feel in my heart they are still in contact. I have not found evidence but her email address is still in his mailbox. I sometimes want to scream --"What is wrong with you?" OF course if I asked he would say he chose our family over the affairs and adventures he has had in the past years. Of course today he leaves with a friend but of course he has to begin by saying I know you don't trust me and then get frustrated with me when I agree!!! Typically his friend picks him up but conveniently he has to drive today. It has been a little over a month since his trip with OW so in the back of my mind I feel like he is meeting with her!!! I have no evidence but I know its not over -- he is kind but has not begun to have loving feelings towards me. There is no affection and I am confused at whether he is in a fog or is it the seperation depression from someone he says was so perfect for him. Too bad they both had to marry and have children with other people!! Don't get me started but it helps to read these posts and realize I am not the only one who is giving and not receiving. I know I will do this till I continually feel frustration. I have no idea how long that will take but I want us to a family so maybe I have more patience than I think at the this frustrated moment!!!

Well we keep taking one step at a time but its so very hard. My WH comes home Friday night after being with a friend for happy hour all affectionate. He asks me to trust him. Since he had been drinking I did not want to have a big discussion but I guess I need him to ask -- How can I get you to trust me? He then later tells me -- all he wants is for me to be happy. I am continuing to Plan A but its hard not to ask have you been in contact with the OW especially when I can go into his email and see her name is still in the address book. When he told me he was going to end it with the OW he also said it would be hard not to at least find out how she is doing. How can he say this a month ago and not realize that I am going to question everything he says or does. I do not verbalize these mistrusts and stay very positive. I guess what I need to figure out is if we are in recovery or just in a holding pattern. I most certainly do not think like a man but I have a real problem with the length of this A and his verbalizing his lack of love and satisfaction in this M that it is poof gone from our exsistence. When I found out about all this I was shocked at the length of time all this has gone on without my knowledge. I know I can never let my guard down again and never truly trust him. I read in MB about D days and then a year later the same person has another Dday when they find out the A never ended. I don't want that to be my situation but I am not sure how to avoid that situation. I am working on our communication and trying to confront conflict instead of doing what came easy --ignoring the situation. I see where we have gone wrong and I realized it can't be fixed overnight --- He is out golfing and enjoys going out with friends afterwards but it is an hour past when he typically comes home and my mind is spinning. Sometimes I would like to scream what gives you the right to have any fun by yourself when you have put me through this living hell!!! I just want my M and R to be a postive influence on my children. I guess I can only wait and see!!!

Hi,

You are not a fool, you are brave. It takes a lot to try and work on you M after the discovery of an A.

Keep working on yourself, and stay strong

Thank you Sue with Hope for your kind words. I wish these feelings of mistrust or the feeling the floor is going to drop with me standing on it would go away. My WH left for golf 2 hours earlier than he typically does. The OW lives over 1 hour away but I really felt he was rushing out of this house and could not look me in the eye. I feel in my heart he was meeting with her but of course I could be frabicating all this in my head. I was not upset when he came home and was very positive. I look at him though and think if he is truly still seeing her how does he justify hurting me. I know I don't have control of his actions and I need to take everything he says with a grain of salt. I guess what I am rambling about is I really want to know if he truly did stop at a golf shop and then hit balls or was he with her. But in the next second -- would that make me feel better? Oh well some days are better than others!!!

My WH has been stressed at work and I am trying my hardest to be the good wife. I want to ask so bad if he has been in contact with OW but I know that would be a major LB. I think its time we filled out the EN questionaire but I am so afraid that he will refuse. What do I do then --I feel at times I am assuming what his needs are and maybe that is one of the problems. I think I will fill out my questionaire and then give him one and if he refuses let him read mine!!! Good idea? He has decided to stay with the M but I think he is waiting for me to make him fall in love with me again? Can this truly happen when only one person is trying? I feel so in limbo and when he is down it is hard not to throw in the towel and say get out and be with her if it will make you so much happier. Of course she is also M--I guess I am waiting for her to leave her M and then he will drop the bomb and say he is moving on!!! So many different scenarios are going through my head and I don't want to right about any of them. I guess I will just continue to Plan A and hope for the best!!!

It is so frustrating to be the nice/good guy when you look at your WS and know how much he had hurt you and what he was willing to jeopordize. I know all men are not so self-centered!! How did I get so lucky? The last few days when I am alone I am ready to throw in the towel and then I see my kids and WS and realize how much I really love my family. I wish I could predict the future. What if I made him leave -- would I be happy/sad/angry? Would someone ever love me again? Would I have a chance to find someone that wants to be my best friend or companion or is it too late? These thoughts all go through my head when I think my WH should be bending backwards to be extra nice. Don't get me wrong -- he treats me good but just not in a loving manner. I am filling out my EN and see where that gets us-- If he refuses to fill one out-should I still let him see mine? My WH has chosen his family but I feel like he thinks it is the noose around his neck. I am not sure how long it takes to feel sorry for yourself but I think I need a time limit because it makes me feel more unloved. Oh well -- I hate weekends -- that are not hectic so I can think about what is lacking in my life.

Hi ihurtssobad!

I wish you knew how much your thread has touched me. We have so much in common and you are feeling so many emotions that I have. It is comforting to know that someone else feels these things too. And that maybe I am not crazy or vendictive when i wonder if the truth can come out of my H's mouth. Be strong! You are doing great! I am feeling your pain but wishing you the best! I hope all has gone better over the last couple of days!

I have had major problems getting on Marriage Builders and can't believe how much I rely on reading the different posts to realize I am not alone in the daily struggle of keeping this marriage together. Last week my H went out to the hardware store and was gone longer than I thought. Well I assumed he was with a guy he worked with since he had been on the phone right before he left. Well I hit redial and find out it is one of my friends cell phones!!! My gut reaction was to send the man packing but I began thinking about it and just can't believe there is anything going on. I know I can not 100% trust ever again but instead of confronting I have decided to take the wait and see road. It has strained my friendship with my friend since I am unsure of what is going on!!! I asked when he came home that the errand had taken awfully long but no mention of my friend. I could ask and maybe not get the truth or find out it truly is nothing but I still will wonder why he has her cell phone number!! Why does life have to be so complicated. He has been in such a mood and acting down etc - of course I know work is a headache. I assume its also withdrawl from the OW but when my thoughts really get going and I think he is feeling guilty because he is still in contact with her. When my mind starts to race is when I need to get on this website and read/read and read some more. I am feeling great about myself and although I would hate for this marriage to end -- I could handle it better than if it had been six months ago. This waiting and not pushing is killing me but I am being upbeat, trying to make conversations, and working hard to be fun!!! If only someone would bend over backwards to make me happy!!! I know it all takes time and I think I really need to take the time to read some books -- I am also going to limit the snooping since that phone call is the only thing I have found in two months to make me suspious. Oh well someone told me that one door closes to allow another to open!!! I hope we are moving in the right direction to stay husband/wife and keep this family together!!! I will wait and see!!!

Thank pq for your kind words. I am truly sorry that we are in this together!!

Hi, I am new at this, but I thought I would write my thoughts about your husband being tired and down from work. My WS also says he is tired, but I have found that he seems to have a lot of energy when he is away from home, but is very cranky around me and when he is home. Even our children have told me that he is always in a good mood when he is not at home. Just keep an eye open and be aware. I also try to think of my WS as being sick, but it hurts so much to think that he feels so miserable when he is around me. But remember, we remind them of their mistakes - it is not our fault, but we do give them a reality check just because we are there for them and they feel guilty that even though they have made mistakes we forgive and love them. I think that is hard on the WS, if we yelled and left them, they would feel better. You are OK, it is your WS that has guilt and the guilt is what is making him tired!

Thanks for the kind word copswifebetrayed. I do have my eyes wide open!!! We talked a little last week about the situation. I told him I thought he looked very unhappy. He of course tells me he acts like that because he looks at me and feels bad!!! Okay then I ask why have we not had S-- in the last two weeks. He shows me something on his leg (it looks like ringworm) and thinks I probably slept with someone to get back at him and gave him something. He of course says he has not been with anyone since D day. I even asked him why he was calling my friend. He told me he does not like to hurt me by talking about it so he asks my friend. Of course this so called friend doesn't tell me either that he is calling her. I know my imagination is running wild but how can we be in recovery when I can't get him to be completely honest and tell me everything. He tells me it bugs him that I am checking up on him via email etc. Don't I have a right. Why is the OW phone number in is Roldex and her email in his address book. I have been hoping that he would remove all these on his own. I read posts here and over and over they talk about the lack of control we have on our WS. I tell him I have no control of him and he has to want to do this stuff for us and our family. I know it took years to get here but I want this R to change for the better or I think I want out.

I wish I could understand how long this all takes for them to be completely detached from the OW and really ready to concentrate on us. I can see him making attempts to be a part of the family. I know the A with OW lasted for over 3 years and that you cannot just wakeup one day and have no feelings especially when in his words they were so alike!!!! I know he is staying for the family -- so the kids don't hate him but I know from reading everyones sites that it can be more!! In my heart I feel we can be better than ever and then my frustration level gets be down and I think I have put up with so much -- it should be him bending over backwards!!! I am doing my best to look out for me and I know it would hurt if the M ended but I have felt like I have really given it my best shot and I would handle it if the M ended. I read once that when kids are involved if you can just tell them you tried your best to keep them a family then I would not feel so guilty. Children makes all this so complicated. I truly think I would of thrown in the towel if it wasn't for them. I truly believe they need a mom and dad under the same roof. I also believe they should see love between their parents so they know how to have a relationship. Hopefully we can move in that direction or like I have said in past posts I will have to move on!!! I love my kids but I need love and affection and most of all total honestly. This whole situation is such a mountain (uphill task). I know I am rambling the same ole stuff, I feel we are in a hole and can't get out!!!

Hey IHSB!!

I've been missing in action for awhile, sorry! I know exactly how you are feeling! I have started to wonder if my WH will ever get over her. Or will I always be the one he stayed with out of obligation. i don't want that! I want what you also want:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I love my kids but I need love and affection and most of all total honestly. This whole situation is such a mountain (uphill task). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could probably quote your entire last post, but I will tell you that we are at the same place in this fight.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In my heart I feel we can be better than ever and then my frustration level gets be down and I think I have put up with so much -- it should be him bending over backwards!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes I think, "HELLO! You were the one that disregaurded our vows!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Why is it all about me changing!"

Anyway, sorry about the rant! I am just getting to the point where my WH has finally stoppped seeing her, and he is saying very mean things to me. And I am not the kind to just sit back and take it, but I have to.

Good luck to you! i'll be thinking about you, even if I can not post! HUGS!!!
I totally agree with this!

Thanks PQ for your thoughts -- it is so nice to not be in this battle alone. I have no idea if my WH is contacting the OW. I have seen no signs and of course he comments about my snooping!!! I keep on telling him I have no control of him therefore he has to do it for himself!!! I think the next time he complains about me snooping I will mention that I want complete honesty and I do not feel like he is doing that at the present. Alot of our problems is the fact he does not communicate. I have no idea what he is thinking. We had good chats this weekend and sometimes I truly think I am getting through to him and he is seeing a postive future with me and then the next minute my balloon is busted and we are back to square one. It is at those times I feel he must be in contact or at least wishing things could be different. My imagination gets the better of me which also does not help!!!! Oh the joys -- sometimes I wish someone else had to live my life and I could take a vacation!!!

I have always been the talkative one in my marriage. Now I am quiet and just ask "how are you feeling?" I let the long dead air linger until he feels comfortable talking. If he has an angry comment (guilt) I tell him I do not feel safe talking to when he is angry. Also, I do not snoop anymore, I told him that I am not responsible for his actions and it is up to him how he wants to behave. I also reminded him that everything comes out into the light eventually <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I don't have to spend my engery snooping.

Basically, he will flip flop a million times before he comes out of the "fog". This is about you and doing the right thing. You be strong and focus on yourself - once he realizes you don't need him to breath, he will get curious about why you are now so strong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Also, turn him over to God and let God be responsible for him and his actions. He is no longer your problem - God can take care of him!!

I love coming to MB to realize I am not alone in this stuggle. The last few days I have been very frustrated with WH. He is in a constant bad mood and is very silent. Of course when he is on the phone with his buddy from work its a different story. The last few days I wish this whole mess would end and then deep down I am afraid that the words "its over" will come out of his mouth. I will be able to survive sice that is my motto but I just wish he would put in the effort before he throws in the towel. Of course he has not given any indication that he wants to throw in the towel. He asked me the other day if we should refinance!!! Of course that was my clue to talk but of course the kids were home. In the evening its always, work. sports, TV etc-- I have suggested doing something but he always turns me down. I just want to be friends and move forward but he is very distant. I am going day by day -- looking out for myself and the kids. IF I had to make a bet today on our M - I would say it is destined to FAIL but I will keep reading and maybe tomorrow will be a Brighter Day!!!

I feel like our life is on hold. I can't stand being in this limbo stage. It just wants me to work harder at myself to prove that I can handle what ever is thrown my way!!! I am doing my best not to LB, be a friend etc but when do we sit down and talk about us!!! If he is not with OW why does he not intiate affection. Is this what you call mourning? Is it guilt? I know we did not get to this point in one day and I am sure every situation is unique. I don't want him to pretend but its very hard to be up all the time and then add flirting so I can win him over!!! Fifteen years ago it was a game to win his heart -- now its tough to look past the sh--he has put me through and know he prefers to be by himself and his porn sites. When he went to counseling he told me he could avoid it if he wanted but its his stress release. I think its his hiding mechanism. I am going to work harder each day communicating with this man and point out that he has no patience for me but loves to be intrupted by a phone call from his co-worker to talk sports or politcs. I can't believe I struggle with things to say to him and have worked hard talking about his interests. I hope one day my needs will be fullfilled if not by him -- someone else!!!

Don't be afraid to confront your H. You mention that you are afraid to confront, and I think your H takes advantage of it.

But confrontations do need to be respectful.

For example with porn- you could say, it hurts me very much that you spend alot of time looking at porn.

H will say- it relieves my stress, plus all men do it.

your points
1- it hurts you and makes you feel insecure that he is ogling naked women. He is directing his attention towards them, not you.
2- all men do not do it. would he admit to his porn habit to a group of adults- say a group of parents from your children's school? If all men "do it", he shouldn't feel ashamed or like he has to hide his habit, right? has he told his dad, brother, cousin, best friend etc. about his habit?
3- would he mind if you surf the net to check out a few photos of men's p***s? Hey since you've been married and faithful it's been a long time since you've checked out the competition! And while you're at it, you're sure he won't mind if you ogle a few cute buns....
4- you're more than happy to investigate some alternate ways of helping him relieve stress. How bout a nice massage or a warm bath?

RE: his e-mails. Tell your H that you are sure that there should be nothing in his e-mails that would cause you pain. He should be able to show all his e-mails to you if they are really harmless. If he is hesitating, well- what is he hiding?

Thanks espoir for your suggestions on talking with my WH. How come the same man I have been married to for 15 years is so hard to talk with on a personal level about us!!!! I am not ready to say we are in recovery!! More like roommates who have a few similar interests and treat each other respectfully. I am not sure how long this stage will last but I am ready to move to the next level. I know I cannot make him fall back in love with me -- s-- is not absent but the rest of the daily affection is gone. I would like it back but I know it will take time. Tomorrow night will be difficult. My WH not only had an A - he also crossed the line and was an exhibitist with my neighbor who is a good friend. Her H went ballistic and I am mortified. My WH went to counseling and like my past posts we are working on us!!! Although I speak with my friend - are closeness has been severed. Few people know the situation but our absence at social functions will probably result in the story being told to our neighborhood friends. We have considered moving but the other issue is the OW who lives about an hour away. If I uproot my children then I want to leave all the messes behind. Transfer is probably not an option and the job market is so bleak!!! I take one day at a time and so very happy that I like myself better and realize that I had something to do with the situation but I did not make him step over the line with my neighbor or to have an A for multiple years. I only hope I can add my name to recovery and move forward. Oh well -- we will see what tomorrow brings!!

Hey IHSB!

This moved has left me a lot of catching up to do on MBs!!!!

I hate to sound like a broken record, but I feel like we must be married to conjoined twins that were seperated at birth!!!! My WH and I are in the same boat. I feel like our life is in a holding pattern, I hate that he still goes to multiple porn sites, and he hates my snooping.

I will tell you something that I said to him the last time he was upset that I had snooped...

WH: "You are just looking for things to get mad at me about. I am not doing anything wrong, but I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. You'll just keep looking until you find something to use against me."

ME: "The reason I snoop is for me! When I look through your e-mail or your phone and find nothing, it help me feel better about me. It helps my self esteem to think that my H is with me and not cheating on me. I am worthy of his committment."

I don't know if this helps, but it made him understand my rational behind my actions. I don't snoop to find stuff, I snoop so that when I don't find anything, I feel better about US.

As for the porn, I have just accepted that this is one of his vices. Do I accept him for who he is, or not???

I too am living the day to day thing. And I must admit it's now at about 60% good and 40% bad. This maybe skewed because we have had two great days back to back, but never the less, today I am hopeful for the future! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take Care and try to stay positive!! HUGS!