pq thanks for the reply -- It is so nice to know that I am not in this alone. I liked your comments about snooping and have not had a chance to use them yet!!! I did snoop yesterday in his email and all his addresses except for two friends were deleted. I had wanted to comment about them being there in his contact list but truly wanted him to delete them on his own!!! Do I thank him or just see where this all leads? I am not assuming anything especially when the affection is not there yet!!! I feel like we are becoming friends again instead of roommates. I also feel that we could be back to square 1 if we do not work on this R. Like you pq -- the porn truly bugs me but I do think this is his vice also and I will probably have to live with it. I am taking it day by day but sometimes I would like to fast forward my life and see what the future has in store for us!!!

Why is it when you think life is going forward you talk about your relationship with your WH and we are back to square one!!! The bottom line is he is here because of the kids. He tells me he cares for me but does loves me more like a sister. Isn't it sick to have sex with your sister? He wants sexual variety and that is the need I can not fullfill for him. He has stopped all PA with OW but tells me today that they have emailed each other weekly about day to day stuff. I stressed NC and said how can we get better? He sees no hope in our situation improving and that we are doing a good job making the best of our situation. Is my head so in the sand that I misread the signs that we were communicating more, enjoying each other, etc. I went to my sons game and thought about our converstion. I know I LB big time by bringing up the big D but I do not want to be roommates and then have him up and leave when the kids are grown. He tells me I bring up the dark side of D -- I feel there is only a dark side so that is what I told him. He justs wants to be single again and never get married again. Boy -- its a good thing I am working on my own self -esteem. I sat at the game for an hour and thought about what I truly want. I think I have decided that I need to truly work on mysel 100 percent and make me a better person in this relationship. I don't think the positive of me is going to make him fall in love with me again. He is very determined person once he makes up his mind and of course it did not help that he reminded me today that to him things are the same as January. It saddens me to think that I would settle for this but I don't see myself giving him the Plan B. I love these kids, our family and believe in my commitment. Of course we think alike about the commitment and the kids -- I think my goal right now needs to be continuing working on me and figuring out how I can be a better person if not in this relationship == a future relationship. Why does life have to be such a ***** and then you die. I just wish I wasn't so sad tonight@!!!!

I think I post in this section because it has less traffic and I will not be read by alot of people. I know we are all in the same boat and it helps me to read and journal my feelings on this site. I am going away this weekend with friends and my WH tells me it would really turn him on if I had an A and then tell him all about it!!! I know he is serious -- he tells me everyone is doing it!!! 70% of men and 50% of women. Is there something wrong with me that I do not want to have an A. A one night stand does not even turn me on!!! Romantic love -- now thats another story but when do I have time for that!!! and I am married!!! When he talks like this it is hard for me not to LB. If someone threw themselves on him he would have sex. Is this whole R hopeless? I am sure everyone who reads this shakes there heads and wonders why I am still living under the same roof with this man. He has good qualities but this whole long term A and wanting a variety of S is driving me crazy. Do you think there is a chance that he would change his opinions if he fell back in love with me? He is getting good about spilling his guts!! Sometimes I wonder the purpose? He does not want to move out -- he says he is here for the kids. He treats me kindly and says he cares for me --- but of course he is not in love with me!! I feel the solution is not to walk out. I am not ready to do that to the kids or be alone. I am not pathetic but I truly feel that when I look at the world around me -- would I find a faithful companion. I know I deserve one but how much love would he have before he strays. I think if anything I need to work on myself and how I interact in this R so if I do decide to get out and be alone that I know how to find and keep someone who only wants to be true to me!!! Is there any hope? Or am I on a sinking boat?

Maybe its the dreary weather but my outlook on this M is not too positive. By reading everyone elses posts I understand this whole process is an emotional rollercoaster. Today I just feel sad that I am in this situation M to a WH who does not want to be married and would like to be with someone else!!!! I feel like releasing him from the entire commitment and letting him move on and letting myself be free to have someone love me!!! I know its not productive to look back and try and figure out what and when our M went so wrong. We need to move forward and try to recover. I so much want to be a success story where he changes his mind about us and is not just making the best of the situation!!! I know I have no control of him but it sickens me to think they are emialing each other once a week!!! I told him the damage that is continuing to do and I know he has to be the one to cut it off!! I want so much to email the OW and tell her to work on her own family and leave me WH alone!!!! My WH tells me she would never leave her controlling H!! So is that why he is still here? In some ways I think we are moving forward but then I remember our conversations and realize he is just being nice!!! I did tell him I wanted to improve our R and was not sticking with this so when our last child goes to college he will leave me then!!! I need to think of someway we can spend more time together alone -- away from the house!!! He works from home so we see each other quite a bit!! Maybe that is the problem!!! Oh well maybe the sun will shine and my mood will be uplifted!!!