After 7 years of M, my H told me he was in L with a young and beautiful W at work. His E/A lasted 9 months before he told me. It never turned physical. The day after he told me about this whole thing, I kicked him out of the house. We've been separated since, about 18 months. But he did want to marry her.
Six months before the OW started at his company, he fell into a crisis, dealing with his parents. It made him distant and angry - wanting to escape. Three months before the OW, he sincerely declared to acquaintances that he was happily married. A month before the OW, he told me that he was falling in love with me all over again. <p>He became obsessed with the OW and she played him to get up the corp. ladder in the company. Well, 3 months after he told me about the E/A, I confronted her, she confronted him, and he was fired. After confronting her, I told my H. He was furious. The OW denied any part in the E/A and as a result of my confrontation, told my H’s boss (B) of the company that my H was harassing her. My H was in a position of power and warned that he should stay away from the OW. My H’s colleagues say that she was coming on hard to him. She was saying things like, “I had fun thinking about you last night.” Anyway, about 6 weeks later, the OW told my H that she was moving to a city 3 hours away for a promotion. My H, being careful now said, “good luck” and that’s it, she felt rejected. In her last week there, he made a last desperate attempt to get her to stay by buying her presents, going against his warning from the B. She went to the B and he was immediately dismissed, walked out, and humiliated by the revelation to the rest of the company. I suspect they kind of inadvertently dumped eachother. My H blamed me for his getting fired and said that I scared the OW off by telling her that he wasn’t making sense. Because she denied the E/A (she was lying), it was the approach I took to sway her into giving him the signal that she wasn’t interested (but it’s true, he’s not making sense). Ultimately in my H’s eyes, the OW escaped any responsibility for his getting fired. He’s working for himself right now, struggling. He says that he can’t work for a company right now cause he’s in no emotional or mental state. Currently, he’s living with his parents and struggling financially. I fought and got the house.<p>Six months after he was fired, he saw the OW in a night club (she was in the city for Christmas). He approached her and confronted her by saying, “Did I F#*% harass you?” She just turned and said, “I’m not talking to you.” Later he told his cousin about this confrontation and admitted that seeing the OW still does something to him. Unbelievable. At one point he actually thought that the OW loved him so much that she got him fired on purpose (because he felt the company was using him), so that she could turn around and sue the company for a lot of money, and they can live happily ever after. Since December 2001, I’ve suggested to him to go after her. He says, “No, I’m over her.” I don’t believe him, I think his pride has been hurt and he’s afraid of being directly rejected.<p>Through this whole thing I’ve been asking him if he thinks there is a chance we’ll get back together. Sometimes he says “who knows, but don’t wait for me”. Other times he gives a flat “No”. I don’t ask anymore. Actually, I’m afraid to speak to him at all. It’s clear that he’s messed up, everybody has noticed. He thinks that he has all the answers and refuses to see a therapist. He says that he doesn’t want a relationship with anybody cause relationships are too complex and he’s emotionally dead. I greatly suspect that this has affected him physically, impotence. Since December we’ve had about 2 longer conversations, otherwise I’ve left a couple of messages for him. He avoids me like the plague, leaving messages at numbers he’s sure I won’t pick up. About 6 weeks ago, I got a hold of him and asked a question about the OW (before I found this web site), he justifiably became furious with me and threatened to call the police. I am by no means threatening when I talk to him, I’m scared and very careful, but I guess that topic is closed. He said that if I wanted to call him up and ask him how he’s doing, that’s OK, but otherwise “get over it, that’s life”. He doesn’t have remorse but it’s clear that he’s defensive and very angry. After this blow up, I wrote him a letter and apologized for asking him that question. So, right now he’s avoiding me, says to our common friends that he doesn’t want to reconcile, but he would like to be my friend. Would he just be using me, trying to reprieve himself? In the meantime, he’s living with his exceptionally defunct parents because he’s broke. He goes to the nightclubs at least twice a week. So why the heck do I want him back? Cause right now he doesn’t resemble the person I know him to be. He used to be a very nice guy, we used to be best friends. Six months before this OW started at the company, he fell into a crisis and transition of some sort. What really hurts is that even though he hardly knows this OW, she is fault-free. I have been so supportive to him over the years, his biggest fan, but I can’t even compare to her. Is it hopeless? If you think it is… just tell me. After reading how it's possible for one person to save a marriage even when the other is not interested. What the heck do I do? I don't understand how he could love me one month and not the next month. We’ve been separated for 18 months. Doesn't quite fit plan A or B. How do I start??? Or am I wasting my energy?
