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Joined: Jun 2002
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My story sounds somewhat like Dexter, actually.<p>I was neglectful of my W's ENs. I did not read between the lines to understand where I was going wrong. I have a temper, and it show(ed) sometimes.<p>In April, she told me on the phone that she wanted to leave. My first question was, 'Who is he?' At first she denied there was anyone, but after 2 days, she admitted to having a 'friend.'<p>He is a co-worker (great - [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] ) and at the very least, this is an EA. There has been some PA, at least kissing, I doubt it got to SI, but I could be wrong. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>She began agitating for separation. "I need my space." [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] "I never got to live single." That is true, she moved home after college, and in with me when we got married, but I know it is just a rationalization for her actions. (I know it would have been better for her to live on her own for a while, but she never wanted to.)<p>I committed all the classic mistakes early on, trying to plead, reason, argue with her to stay.<p>I figured out his work and home numbers from her cell phone, and called him. That rattled him a bit, but he refuses to back off. "I love her." "I can't control my feelings." Oh brother.<p>I had one aborted attempt to leave, but came back two days later and moved onto the couch. That lasted a couple of weeks until we went to some friends wedding which was exactly like ours. (Orthodox Christian) I was the best man, and the emotional outburst I had after the wedding must have completely drained her love bank. I cooled off pretty fast, but asked her to leave until she got over the OM. She left 2 days later, with only some of her stuff, back in with her parents.<p>I have only had fun with her since. We have gone shopping, to the mall, out to eat and to the zoo and have had alot of fun. She is considering moving back in to at least try to work it out. Unfortunately, she does not think that she will be able to regain her romantic love for me (never had 'chemistry' she says) and she is afraid she will not be able to get over the OM. She has at least (AFAIK) not contacted him outside of work.
(Update: She called him the night she moved back in with her parents... just got the cell phone bill... but only that one time for 20 minutes.)<p>NC may not be possible at this time. Grrrr....<p>She still says she loves me.<p>We have been to a couple of different counselors, and she will be seeing one next Wednesday (6/26)
They are Christian based, so I don't have to worry about them telling her to leave me.<p>How can I 'build a lighthouse' to help her get out of this fog? How can I re-assure her that her addiction to the OM will go away someday? How can I make her understand that he is a rotten scumbag for preying on a vulnerable *MARRIED* woman? (Love is blind, she says...)<p>I know there are no answers to the above questions. I am Plan A bigtime right now. Antidepressants help *alot* since I was/am prone to angry outbursts. I am dealing with my unresolved issues (anger, abandonment by my mother) and not trying to draw her attention to that.<p>Thanks for reading. It helps alot to read all of your posts too. It is good to know that you are not alone.<p>Sad Tiger<p>[ June 18, 2002: Message edited by: Sad Tiger ]</p>

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Hello Sad Tiger:<p>Welcome to MB... Here you will find the nicest people who have gone thru HELL, and I am no exception...<p>You have to keep patience and just live one day at a time, the FOG will lift some day, I wish I knew when ?<p>You can read my thread @
Plan B/Need Advise!<p>For now all sympathies and anything we can help you with...<p>Plan A is Good, keep continuing and read as much as you can, I would suggest buy SAA, HNHN and LB, start avoiding LB's .... you have to control your anger... no matter what....<p>thelion

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You have taken the first step. You know what you need to do to change. My advice is, keep working on yourself. Keep the lines of communication open with WW. Let her know that you still love her and are willing to work hard at keeping your marriage. <p>If she experiments with a relationship with the OM, now that she has moved back in with parent, she will soon see that the grass is not greener. For one, the OM won't fully trust her & that will become an issue.<p>If you feel that you have done something that may have caused her to stray; work hard at showing her how much she means to you. She may have started to question your love, which is why she became involved with OM.<p>Good luck.

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Thanks, Lion. I like it that one cat replied to another! I have read your thread. Hang in there.<p>insight, I am and have been doing everything you say.<p>Two nights ago we met for dinner at a Chinese place. That was fine, then we got our fortune cookies. She read hers, got white as a ghost and put it in her lap. I asked to see it and she refused. I finally convinced her to let me see it. It said, 'You will become better acquainted with a co-worker.' [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I got a real kick out of that. I had to laugh! She and I went to our house so she could grab some stuff to take back to her folks' house. She asked to see the court records of the OM I had told her I had dug up. OM has been sued in small claims court numerous times, has several judgements against him, got fired from his last job, is a deadbeat dad, and has been cited twice for contempt of court. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] He is like a rash on the court docket. I told her that she had just become better acquainted with her co-worker! (I know that showing her this had the potential to be an LB, but she took it well.)<p>Began IC with a new Dr. I like her so far. WW still willing to go to her IC next week.<p>WW moved back in with me last night. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>She is loving and affectionate towards me, and me towards her. She said ILY a few times on her own.<p>She came back around 7 last night, and we went to the Galleria and ate, then shopped for a print for the living room. I asked her if she would like to help me pick it out. We got into the store, and I must have been too forward-looking because she got that 'fog' look in her eyes and said something about, well I might not be here so don't buy anything more just because of me. I sucked it up, smiled, and said that it was OK, that I would have picked out pretty much the two Monets that we picked, and that I would keep them, no problem. Smiled and hugged her.<p>The poor thing can go along fine for a long time, but then gets the 'fog' and cries a little. When that happens, I either give her a light touch or a hug and reassure her that things will get better, with or without me. I am getting used to behaving this way, it is tough, but she is worth it. It has taken me 2 solid months of reading everything I can get my hands on and medication to get to this point where I can control my LBs.<p>This AM, we laid in bed and I rubbed her head and back. She really likes that. I never did that before D-day. Why didn't I know these things??? I was *so* not prepared for marriage. All this mess has sure made me grow up, and I am happy for it. The longer this plan A goes, the more habitual all the good stuff I am doing will become. I see now why plan A is for *me*.<p>I fixed her coffee and a bagel while the World Cup USA/Germany game was on TV. (I am not a soccer fan, but she likes it and so does the OM. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] ) I really enjoyed the game at times, even though USA lost. I have been learning to enjoy all the things she enjoys that I had not before (shopping, hair, nails!!), and it has been more fun than I could have imagined. (That is not to imply that we had no other shared pleasures.) Was the A just a ploy to whip me into shape? Nah, but it is working anyway.<p>I walked her to her car this AM, got an unsolicited ILY, and off she went. I feel better than I have in days. I had been very anxious about her pending return. I know I am not out of the woods yet, but she is trying, and for that I am extremely grateful to her and to God.<p>[ June 21, 2002: Message edited by: Sad Tiger ]</p>

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Update:<p>All is well here. We discussed the A a bit the other day, and I unfortunately slipped into education mode. She got very uncomfortable and talked about moving back with her parents. I immediately stopped. She was fine 10 minutes later, fortunately. That was the closest I have come to an LB since she has been back.<p>Tonight is her IC. She does not know what to talk about with the counselor. I suggested that she discuss her feelings. Do any of you wise people have any other suggestions at this time? I think she will come away from this session a bit upset, and I need advice on what to expect.<p>ST

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Hello Sad Tiger:<p>You are doing great, keep plan A.. But be ready for a long haul, if the OM is not out of the picture soon, you have to plan B...keep in mind, that unless the A dies & NO CONTACT with OM is achieved you cannot work on M...<p>good luck
thelion

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I am very depressed this morning.<p>WW's IC was last night.<p>This is a Christian based counselor. WW liked her. WW was able to spill her guts to her. I guess that is good. The counselor told her that the marriage is probably over, and that she should not deny her feelings. I sure hope that this is just a technique to get her through her current 'intense' feelings for OM. The counselor told her not to make any rash decisions, but to stay around until she can make up her mind. That gives me hope that the counselor is on the side of our marriage. They are supposed to be pro-marriage at this place.<p>I want what is best for my WW, but I know that the OM is nothing but trouble. I am doing my best to not 'educate' her to this anymore. I am trying to empathise with the OM (very tough) so I can get over my anger towards him. My wife is very cute, and she must have been hurting badly due to my (inadvertant) neglect. He was there, and the relationship grew. W admits that OM is emotionally weak. I wish he would start to LB her, but he seems to be smart and patient.<p>Still in strong (as I can) Plan A. Bought SAA and HNHN, and am halfway through SAA. I fear that Plan A will not be enough to bring her around. I realize that this is usually the case.<p>She is not LBing me except for her feelings for the OM. She hung out with him and others after work. It was his b-day. She did not get him a card or anything, but did say happy b-day to him. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>This is getting very hard for me; I do feel my love bank for her getting depleted.<p>According to her counselor, I need to come to grips with the fact that the M is over. I think I have come to grips with the fact it is dangerously close to over, but not over. Perhaps this is the counselor's way of getting me/us to let go, or for W to imagine it being over. I just don't know. I have faith that the counselor knows what she is doing.<p>How much longer should I hang in there before moving to Plan B? She says she loves me still. This hurts so bad. I still can't believe it. I never though this would happen to us. I guess we are not special. I love her so much. This is definately the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I know that W is in extreme pain as well, and that just hurts me more.

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Hi Sad Tiger:<p>We all have good days and bad, hang in there, do something special which will make you happy temp.... Go swim, play tennis, joke with co-workers... take your mind off this mess...<p>Take Care, remember you are not alone, we are all here in the same boat, if you turn around u will see thelion....

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What do you do about counseling? Do you guys talk afterwards and discuss what was said? My first session is tomorrow.

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Lyxa, I am new at this Infidelity thing, so keep that in mind.

Our D-Day was in April. I sought out an MC quickly, and we went. WW at that time, and still, does not want to work on the M. Her feelings for the OM are too strong. I didn't like the first MC, he seemed to encourage a separation.

Went to another MC, this time Christian based. WW did not like her, and at that session, she said 'but I love him' in reference to the OM. I was an absolute basket case the next day. I suppose you should be prepared for *anything* to be said.

WW has gone to one IC session with a different counselor at the same Christian place. She likes this one, however, the counselor is telling her things like 'he (me) needs to accept that it is over' - oh boy... I am trusting that that is part of her plan.

We have our first session with Jennifer (Harley) Chalmers tonight. WW at first was receptive, but after going to work today (and seeing the OM I'm sure) called to try to get me to cancel, saying her 'feelings are what they are.' Sounds like the OM talking, doesn't it? I still think she may talk to Jennifer, but if not, I will take the whole session, and discuss my Plan A, and when it would be time for Plan B. I hope not today. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know WW is in terrible conflict, and I don't think I should push her to make a decision, but I am not a professional, nor do I play one on TV.

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My WW really really wanted to know what happened at my first session. Even though I put a brave face on it, I couldn't hide the fact that it had sent me for quite the negative plunge in feelings about her, about the chances of the marriage, and my own hopes for, well, Hope. She kept gently pushing and after continued resistance... gave up. We ended up falling asleep together, during which I had yet another awful nightmare and ended with her waking me up with tears running down my face.

In the end, she pressed and I told her what the dreams were. I thought that she would take it as a major LB, but instead, she went through it all and when I was done describing it, she asked a few questions for more information and then said, 'Those dreams are a gross exaggeration of the truth. I wish to God I could take back the truth that is there, but I can't. You have to trust that you know the full extent of it and next time you have those dreams, recognize them as either the truth that you already know or as the gross exaggeration that you know it to be. I'm so sorry about the truth of it... just please remember that. Please remember that I love you."

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I hope things pull around for you SadTiger. I don't know that I could put up with what you are... but then, prior to this I had always imagined that divorce was the only response possible to my wife having an affair.

Love changes everything. Good luck.


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