I am new to this area. I have been Plan A for about a month. I have LB some but there is some progress. My WH is still in the house but got an apartment out of frustration but has never spent a night there. I do know he meets the OW there on occassion.<p>After a long discussion last night, he stated that I was not the same person and that I had to find myself. He felt like I was trying to be the person he thought I wanted instead of just being me. He makes no excuses for the A and continues to have contact however, he states he is trying but must end it in his own way so that he is sure he wants me. <p>I feel that he was being honest but I also told him I could not wait forever.<p>I do feel I lost myself. Trying to be everything to everyone. The perfect mom, boss, neighbor, friend and somewhere I left my WH last. Thus the A.<p>I need help finding myself. Constructive suggestions on how to love life again, put myself first and the rest will come with or without my WS.

I can tell you what has worked for me. I've spent the past 3 months in depression as my WW has moved out and been dating OM. I have been desperately praying and growing in my relationship with God.<p>This past Sunday I started recieving an overwhelming peace about my situation. God told me that he's in control, everything is going to work out, and I just need to trust him.<p>I feel like myself again. I'm laughing, going out, making jokes and being fun. This is who I am and this is who I was when my wife married me. <p>I'm doing a million times better now than I have been over the past 3 months. I can tell you for a fact that God can heal your heart. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm new here so i'm hardly as wise as some who post, but I am trying to Plan A myself and here's what i'm finding....
Plan A isn't about the spouse as much as it is about yourself...
Take some time to think about who YOU are, independently of your spouse or kids; what makes you happy or content... think about the simplest details. As a wife and mother so much of my thoughts are focused on my family, and so little on me, it feels strange to do this.
Think what music do I like to listen to, what colors make me happy, what foods would I eat if I were to cook only for myself? What activities make me happy, how can I explore my potential? You need to protect and not LB, do not provide any source of unhappiness to WS, but do not sit at home wringing your hands either. Find the things that grow the flowers in your soul and pursue them. Do you like your hairstyle, clothes, lipstick, pillowcase, etc? We BS need to meet our own needs, since our WS are too deep in fog to notice us or our needs, much less meet them. "Do not be a doormat but a welcome sign" is how someone wiser than I put it. As the fog clears the WS should be able to look around and see that home is a good place to be and why did they ever leave? This is the hardest part for me, since I am so angry with him, but physically biting my tongue is what I fall back on.
Any more experienced MBers care to add?

Even better than I can explain-read the thread posted by "resilient" about "misapplication of Plan A-a must read"!

My H is also currently having a A and is not ready to terminate the A. He has not moved out because of the kids. I too overloaded my systems being everything to everyone and my M suffered and then he had A's. I have trued ti stop always doing for everyone and realize I can only control my happiness. I am currently on the A diet and workout frequently so I look better and feel better(exercise in great therapy). I have been putting myself first and forcing myself to put certain activities on the back burner. I am trying to bring back the me when we were dating before I had all this responsibilty! This is the hardest thing I have gone through especially when the A continues but I don't want to be right - I want to be married. Go buy yourself something new for no reason or pamper yourself with a manicure, bath,a good book etc. Think about yourself and enjoy!!!

I have to agree with Shaz. I was angry with my H for the last 4 years, maybe longer. About 6 or 7 years ago, he cheated and left me. Back then I didn't know about planA/b stuff. When I thought he was not coming back, I started working on making me happy, and I no longer LB'd him when he was around. So he came back. We didn't resolve the past issues, so I was angry about it. I didn't realize I was angry until I started suspecting that it was happening again, and I think with the same person from the past (assuming that it ended). I went through the usual feeling, berating myself for being a fool to trust him again, angry and him, angry at the world, blamed him for everything, after all, I didnt do anything wrong, I'm the perfect wife. I was surfing the net looking for divorce and affair related items, the first item I open was MB. Well, after reading a few posts, and taking a good look at myself, I realized I was still angry about something that happened 6 years ago, it is about time to let go of the anger. Once I did that, my attitude changed. I also have been reading SAA, LB, Fall in love, stay in love. I have been working on myself, being a happier person. The saying is "when mamma is happy, everyone is happy". It is really bad when a country song reminds your kids of their mom "Angry all the time". [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My H has noticed that I'm different, he thinks an alien took over my body and someday the real me will be returned (I thought the alien took over the WS's body [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .)<p>I have my moments when I am sad, especially when things are not happening as fast as I want them to. (I'm not a very patient person, when I make up my mind that something is going to work I expect immediate results, unfortunately changes such as these don't happen overnight, so I'm trying to learn patience).<p>What I am doing is trying new things, trying old things to see if I still like them. lets see, what new things have I done, signed up for golf lessons. H wants me to golf with him. We will see if I like it. Bought a video to learn to bellydance, I figure it might be a fun way to get back into shape, beats Denise Austin's workout, I need action) H bought me Tae Bow, I'm afraid to do this, my D is always around and I'm afraid I might punch or kick her in the head, so I don't use this one much. H and I bought bikes, we are going to bike ride on weekends, H suggested we take the kids and find a trail and make a day of it. Bring lunch (maybe he is trying to kill me, all day bike riding [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Is there something you have been dying to try, try it. Seek out new and reexperience old. Take care of yourself, and you will be able to take care of your family.

I feel like such a loser not being able to buck up. The OW is so aggressively confident that she has won. My WH says he ruined her life during his midlife crisis. He said it started for kicks but ended in her divorcing and leaving her 3 kids to marry my WH which he does not want. I am certain his ego is big, 2 women want him. <p>I am trying to change myself. I want to try yoga because I only weigh 98lbs and feel very weak. I thought I could keep in shape boost my energy and feel better about me. Rationally I know I am attractive, intelligent and stronger than I am being right now. WH has just beat me down so far to svae himself. I have hit rock bottom now. I know it is time to change.<p>Please continue to encourage me. I need an objective friend. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi RNR-you sound like I feel! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
It should be easy for me to encourage you-I'll just tell you what I need to hear! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Yoga sounds like a great idea-the times I have done it, I am much more relaxed, mellow, and mentally calmer. Pilates is good too; it is like yoga but very strengthening. I have a Denise Austin Pilates/yoga tape that I highly recommend (in fact, I should do it more often!)
It is so easy to feel blue and angry, but I know that is not what will help. Something Dr Harley said about being right and divorced has stayed in my head....I am trying to focus on myself, be the best wife I can be, so that if he does leave then I can know in my heart I did all I could. But if all goes well, H will benefit, and so will I, from a revitalized M.
I'm sending you good vibes, RNR!