Hello All,<p>Due to circumstances beyond my control I started with Plan B. However, I didn't know about this site or any others like it until I started doing research.<p>This is the second time I've posted, but I can't seem to find my old post and I figured I would start a new one.<p>I'm a forty-one year old male married nineteen years. I have eighteen year old twins (soon to be nineteen). I found out in late April that my W was having an A. The whole thing started in early April with her asking me for a seperation. I was a bit apprehensive to go because I knew on May first I might be facing a lay-off in work. Kind of hard to live on the street with no home, and no job. I decided I would stay until I got confirmation whether or not I still had a job.<p>After two weeks of her asking me to leave I decided to write her an email at her work. She seemed to respond to it well. She told me she still loved me and wanted our M to work.<p>We had a chance to talk and she told me what she felt was wrong with our M. So, for the next six days I tried to correct everything we talked about. We went out to dinner, the movies, we talked, we hugged, we did all the things we had stopped doing the previous month and a half. I was feeling pretty good.<p>After the sixth day I still felt something was wrong. She was drinking heavily and not even looking at me, even though I was doing all the things she told me I never do. I only asked her to change two things. Stop drinking every day, and stop hanging around with her newly D'ed friend (which by the way was the result of an A).<p>I came home from work and asked her point blank if she was having an A. She paused for a moment and then confirmed my worst nightmare. She said "yes". She told me his age, she told me he wasn't married, she told me he knew she was married. I didn't get much more then that because she feared I would do something to him. What? should I have thanked him? I don't think so!<p>She then told me I could stay in the house until I found out whether or not I was going to lose my job, but that she planned to continue seeing OM.<p>I don't know about the rest of you, but I just felt I couldn't live in the same house with the woman I've loved for the last twenty-four years after listening to the story she had just told me. I opted to leave, and I know some of you are going to give me crap for doing that, but give me the benefit of the doubt here and listen to the rest of the story.<p>When she first asked me to leave (three weeks prior) I hadn't even imagined that she might be having and affair. Once she told me I think I went into shock. Or something really close to it. I asked her if she would concider councelling, and if she was willing to leave OM to fix our M. She told me "no". She said she still loved me, but hoped I would get over it someday. She wanted me out regardless of my job situation as some point. Of couse she was drunk as always when she told me this. As she had been for the last year or so.<p>Needless to say. After she told me of the A I just felt I had to go. I couldn't let her clean my clothes, and cook my food, and know that later that night she would be sharing her bed with someone I would never be friends with. So I left<p>I stayed with a friend from work for three weeks and he helped me find an apartment close to where he lived. I spent all my savings to furnish the place, but I still have no vehicle. Don't worry it's not lavish. I only had $7200 to start with.<p>I left her with everything we've ever accumulated. Including the car, and our vast DVD collection. That was my pride and joy. I left with three days worth of clothes in a suitcase.<p>I havent contacted her in any form since the day I left. Both my children are still with her, but they seemed to have taken a neutral stance to either side. I'm sure they are just as confused as I am. My W has told them I left because "we weren't getting along". I told them what my wife told me. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I didn't want them to think I just left because we weren't getting along.<p>I've been out for just about two months now. I did go to my son's High School graduation last Friday. He seemed very nervious and excused himself. My wife was there with her mother and neither of them would even acknowledge I was in the same room.<p>Iv'e talked with my daughter almost daily and she is not happy living at home, but she doesn't want to live with me because she thinks my place is to small. She is very angry with her Mom right now. She's been watching the drinking and the nights out with "the girls". <p>My son came home the other night and caught my W talking dirty on the phone to "OM?". He challenged her on it and she played it off like it was her girlfriend from work. He told my daughter about it also.<p>Now I'm not sure if I was suppose to stick around and work my way into Plan A, but that's not what happened, and that's not how I would have chosen to do it. I went directly to Plan B. I have a Lawyer. I have not filed for anything. I just wanted councel on what type of stick she could be beating me with later on.<p>I wish I knew what is going through her mind. According to my children she is out almost every night and when she's not she's at home drunk. They both work, so W has the whole house to herslef on the nights she is home.<p>Not sure how most of you would have handled it, But I think I did the right thing by leaving when I did. Please don't tell me to go back home. That is not an option for me. I have a place of my own, but that doesn't mean I want to be away from her forever. Just for now, or until she see's what it is she is doing to the rest of the family.<p>Regards,
N61

Dear 1961:
My heart goes out to you. It looks like your W is in deep pain and trying to drown it with alcohol.<p>I know there are many support groups for people with alcoholic spouses. They would better know how to handle and guide you on that. They say alcoholics need to hit rock bottom to turn their life around. I don't think it is a good idea that you go back to the house either. Some how I think tough love would be a better option.<p>I really feel for your kids and what they are going through. They will need your love and support. <p>We are all here to support one another.
God Bless you,
Kim..

Nineteen61 -- I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom, but wanted you to know you are not alone in your specific situation. I too separated immediately. I did not know about the A when we first discussed separation because for almost a year he had been cruel and made me feel like I was crazy for asking him why he wasn't home (all due to the A, but I thought he was just depressed and not dealing with it). I made him move out immediately upon discovery of the A (discovery/confirmation occurred because of the moving situation/ he left his laptop at our house while he was getting ready to move and I snooped because I suspected the A).<p>I did all of this before I found marriage builders. What I have done since I found MB was to do the best plan A I could with my WH not around much. I don't know what I would do in your specific situation since she is an alcoholic/don't have any firsthand knowledge of that situation. What I did after a few weeks was I invited my WH over to dinner and promised no discussion of A. I blew it the first time and lovebustered all over the place. Subsequently, I learned and I invited him to a concert and drinks and managed not to LB. Over the next several months we did a few things together and I got better and better at not LBing. Partly due to the fact that I better understood from reading and posting here and partly because I was doing many things for myself and I felt better about being alone and being a better person. <p>We all make mistakes. If I had known about MB and the principles here I probably would not have separated. On the other hand, it made me a calmer person in some respects. I think in order for a plan A to work while separated you have to be willing to plan activities and have some of them turned down and not talk about the A. The approach that seems to work is to phrase the invite something like "I got tickets for x, I would love it if you would join me but I can go with Y friend if you can't make it" It creates a no pressure situation and also shows that you have a life.<p>Again, I'm no expert, but it seems to be working in my case.

Somehow that sounds almost too simple. I would love to call her or write her an email, but from the way my children are discribing her she's not the same person. She's told them she would hang up if I called. She's thrown away anything that I didn't take with me. I wish she had at least offered me some of my things. It's sounds as if shes gotten even worse since I left. I thought that would have taken the pressure off of her onc I was gone. She's telling friends and family she's happy with her new life, but still deny's having an A. She's keeps telling everyone that there are two sides to this story, but she refuses to tell them her side. What gives? Obviously she has a side to her story. I would be really interested in hearing it even second hand. God knows she's not going to tell me personally. Maybe someday something will click in her pretty little head. I just hope I'm there for her when that times comes. I know I'll love her until the end of time, but the way I feel right now I don't know If I would be willing to stand by her side during a recovery phase. I'm still trying to get used to living alone. I didn't realize how alone you can be when your alone. I'm sure life will get better, for the both of us. I just don't know what's going to happen after that.

Hi Nineteen61:<p>My sympathies with you and word of caution dont try to get in touch with her, because it will drag you more into emotional rollacoster, I would just stay away and keep in touch with your son and daughter from time to time...<p>As people have suggested she has to hit ROCK bottom before she will ever see the sun again, you are right it will be too late because by than you will move on....<p>I am pretty much in the similar situation minus the liquor part....
you can read my thread @
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=30&t=001268<p>You are already in Plan B, just write a last e-mail to her saying you want NO CONTACT until she put a complete closure to the A and alcohol....<p>Thats my 2 cents...
thelion

Are there any links to Plan B letters? I don't want to send something which could make matters worse. I would like to view a few to get an idea how I should write one.<p>Thanks,
N61