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#462716 06/19/02 03:48 PM
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I'm a newbie here, but have read SAA and HNHN. Figure I'm on my way to Plan B, but have some questions maybe you can help me with.<p>First of all, during the entire course of our marriage my husband has struggled in finding a career. He was recently recruited by a federal law enforcement agency and left for the academy two days after September 11. His academy was in Georgia and we were in west Texas. He was gone for 5 months and we saw him only once in Nov. Not a single holiday. When he came home he was completely different. He displayed all the signs of an A. Needless to say, I LB'd left and right with the thought of his betrayal. He finally moved out and eventually confessed to the A with a fellow cadet. Although difficult to hear, I believe the truth is a good start. But now he says he WON'T try to work on the marriage and wants a divorce. But he still loves me and sees a future with me. He doesn't see divorce as an end to our life together or a rejection of me.??<p>Now during the past few years my parents have seen us struggle and have helped us with furniture they didn't want or with loans. We accepted feeling that we would eventually be able to make it on OUR own. His new job seemed to be an answer to our prayers. His family helped us out with free babysitting. Both families "gifts" are wonderful and I am extremely grateful. But now he states he has nothing of his own. Now all of the sudden he doesn't want to share in the good fortune. I am stunned. I have considered our stuff to be ours, but now that he is threatening divorce I feel I should take what was gifted by my family. After all, won't I lose free babysitting (not to mention an incredible family)? Am I being vindictive??<p>I have told him I accept my role in the problems of my marriage and am working on trying to work on my problems. I have told him I love him, forgive him and don't want to give up. I have asked for forgiveness and a chance to try to meet his EN and not LB. But with his refusal to try, should I move to plan B? Is it necessary to legally enforce splitting bills and all? Also, he is VERY close to his family and is now living with his mom. His sister cooks for him and his mom does all his laundry. His A provides the sex, so how will he miss me and the needs I fulfilled? I feel I have already been replaced with 3 women!! When you are in plan B with kids, how do you celebrate the kid's birthdays?? Aah! Help!!

#462717 06/20/02 09:31 AM
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Hi BH:
I can really feel and understand the pain you are going through. My H took over 8 years to find a successful career and when he got that and his sports car, he also found a girlfriend and moved out.<p>We have 2 kids, ages 7 & 5. I have spent a long time doing Plan A and I realize now that I took too long to start Plan B. They say that you need a very good Plan A which I know I have done. This weekend I will be implimenting Plan B. A little scared but I am asking my H to wait out in the car when he picks the kids up. Usually, he comes in, sometimes eats dinner, lays on the sofa, likes to talk to me about his problems. It just rips me apart but now I am ready to end that and I am a bit scared so I am with you on this.<p>I feel the same thing that the OW is providing his needs and I don't have a chance but I just leave it in God's hands and now I will focus on my life and what is best for me and the kids. I have invited my H to the kid's birthdays just for the sake of the kids, that's all.<p>Somehow I believe that the A needs to die a good and natural death anyways before any reconciliation can happen. Protect yourself financially for you and your kids. There is always such a great loss during a divorce. Let me know how it goes. This is such a great support place and to know you are not the only one. <p>God bless,
Kim...

#462718 06/20/02 11:07 PM
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Thanks for your response. I'm glad you are taking steps forward. Change is always scary, huh? But it does sound like your H has been having the best of both worlds. I will pray that God will continue to give you peace and strength during your plan B.<p>I have decided that I need to stay Plan A for a little while longer. I'm afraid if I started Plan B right now he won't be left with the good impression I want him to have. It is also giving me time to work through the anger.<p>I am reading "Power of a praying wife" and have found it extremely liberating. It is helping me deal with me first (the hurt and all) and then allow me to pray for him. After all, I don't want to carry this pain around forever. Have you read this book?<p>As far as protecting yourself financially, did you have a legal document drawn up for him to provide child support or did you two verbally agree to something on your own?<p>Good luck!

#462719 07/11/02 09:58 AM
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Dear BH:
Thanks for your prayers also. I havent read the book yet called, "Power of a praying wife" but you have encouraged me to get it. I have heard great things about it. Prayer is such a powerful tool.

I still havent been successful with Plan B as I have had to do certain business with my H. He was here yesterday for dinner and my son started singing a worship song at the dinner table and my H broke out weeping. I know God is working in his soul. He just doesnt have the power to end his affair and do what is right. I am planning next week to go away for 3 weeks to my family with my kids. When I get back, will try Plan B again, it is hard as my H's father is dying.

I havent yet had any legal documents drawn up because we are in immigration process and my H is supporting me until I get my work permit here. But I know that will come eventually.

If we trust in God, know everything is in God's plan for us, God bless,
Kim

#462720 07/13/02 12:33 AM
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God is most definitely working on his soul!!And when you get that book He will give you the peace you need during this time and the power to do something for your husband that he can't resent you for cuz he won't know. But now is the time since God is already working on softening his heart. Just remember that he is particularly vulnerable to the "attacks" now that he is showing humbleness. I suppose verbally I would only say you love him and you are here to support him. Just don't give any suggestions or try to solve his problems. He needs to do that in order to free himself completely of this mess. I don't know, but maybe if during an opportune moment, you could remind him of a time where he was really strong. Think along those lines.

I also think all these Plans have contingencies built in due to the wide variety of situations that can occur. If you have to do business, make it business. Be polite but not overly interested. If you did divorce, that is pretty close to how you'd have to act, right? But don't let him come over to the house and resume his place at the table and couch. I would try to not do business at the house if I could. Too easy to set yourself up for falling off the Plan B wagon. But in the end, you must choose what is acceptable to you. But be aware of how you are perceived. If he can deceive you into going back on Plan B, he has power over you. But, that's JMHO.

You seem very level-headed. Use it. Good LUck and please keep me updated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#462721 07/13/02 07:46 AM
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Dear Bh:
I think I am going to get that book today. I am so frustrated and hopeless. I even thought of giving up praying for him. I was so angry at him last night as he asked me to drop the kids off at his place, to meet at the front gate of his complex, but he misunderstood the time I said, and ended up waiting in which I didnt show up, but when I called before I left, and met him there, he tried to be a jerk to make me wait. I got someone to open the gate and sure enough, in front of his place was his girlfriends car. When he finally did come out, I was furious, was late for my bible study. I did end up LB'ing him yelling that I dont want his mistress around my children and if she slept overnight, he would never see his kids. I told him I want my children raised in a moral atmosphere and will do whatever it takes to make that happen. Ok, I lost it but I felt the presence of evil being so close to where all this adultry takes place. I usually never go to his place but this will be the last. This is his last weekend with the kids before I go on holidays and he cant even spend the time alone with them, he has to have his mistress next to him. It just makes me so angry and hurt because I still love him. There is such a fine line between love and hate. I dont want to hate him (God is teaching me that) but because I love him, I have felt such incredible pain. Following Plan A & B is not a natural feeling and doesnt come easy. It is so hard and I have to fight within my deepest soul to follow this plan without LB or giving up. All I can do is take it step by step, day by day, with prayer. God bless, Kim.

#462722 07/13/02 06:28 PM
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MF-

How horrible! I think you and I have the same temperment! It is always difficult to control those LBs when you are caught off guard. And this is a very important issue. But if you don't have any legal documents to say that he will abide by your request not to have the kids around her, then I don't think you have much control. The GOOD (I really did say good) thing is that he will be truly dealing with reality here, which is in essence what plan B is about. He will have to deal with problems with OW and the kids. They won't have all that time to be affectionate, you know? And maybe he invited her over to get back at you when you were mistakenly "late." Kinda testing your love, too.

Forgiveness is hard when the hurts keep pouring in, but keep working on it.

I had a set back today too. I found out my WH is now considering "dating" more than just OW. And I've been contemplating an anniversary gift for him, and now with my love dwindling I just can't think of anything. I do know he is confused and said he wasn't sure he wanted a divorce. I should focus on that, huh?

Let's pray for each other. OK?

#462723 07/14/02 09:31 PM
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Dear Bh:
I talked to my H today and he was so nice considering my LB the other day, he even bought me a cell phone for my 26hr drive I will make to my home town. He knows I am right about how immoral he is as the OW slept over. You are in my prayers. I now have a new roommate in my house, a Christian girl who is divorced from my church. I think this will be great as we can support one another.
God bless, Kim

#462724 07/14/02 11:38 PM
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I think that's great that he bought you that cellphone. He obviously still cares, he is just battling within himself.

I'm noticing that as I get stronger in my faith that the devil starts attacking more. Have you noticed the same thing?

Having a Christian roommate is good. Hopefully her divorce will not adversely affect comments she may make to you.

When do you leave? Will you have access to e-mail in your hometown?

TAke care and thanks for the prayers.


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