My WH is having an in your face A ever since he told me in Feb. Because the OW kids and my kids do similar activities, she is always there. I know in therory, affairs are to die within 6mons to 1 years after seeing the light of day. Theirs seems to be heating up again after cooling a bit. <p>I almost wish he would leave and take on that relationship full force so that they could have some conflicts like we do over day to day things. He right now has our life and fantasy land.<p>Today I had some exciting news about my job. My impulse was to call and let him know. He was not at work. He was acting funny this AM because he acted like he wanted me to leave for work. I am sure he is with OW. He talks of the future but continues the A. I have set a time line for 6 mons. I hope I can make it.

I know how you feel. I am at the end of my rope here. I am tired of this mess. Just know you are not alone. I am giving myself a year for things to change...if I can make it. In the meantime I am going to have to do some serious personal growth so that I won't have to look back. I am trying my hardest, so that if we fail I can look myself in the mirror. This is terrible!!

Hang in there. I read in the book Rescuing Relationships by Dr.Phil that if kids are involved you need to do everything possible. Six months is good timeframe so if you do seperate or divorce you can look them in the face and honestly say that you have done everything possible to make this work. I realize from all the readings that we do not have control of anyone but ourselves so be the best you can possibly be!!! I am in the same boat -- H came home from trip after I revealed that I knew all the messy details and says they are ending it!! I will believe it when I see it so for now I will take one day at a time.

I am in the same boat as you. I am scared to say aloud the time limit, but after 1+ months from the D-day and 4 months of feeling confused I am afraid my strength and patience will not last longer than 9 mos/1 year. Maybe he'll get off the fence till then. Maybe it will be my side of it. If not I do too care for myself to be able to face the mirror, children and family.
My thoughts are with you.

Dear all,
I'm feeling the same, wondering when it will all end.In the end PATIENCE will pull us through. Let them stew in their relationship,wait for them to argue and quarrel (who don't?)and when the A is over, we are by their side, showing our support for them.
I had quarrelled with my dad over my marriage to my H and have distance myself from my dad.Yesterday, my dad was there when i needed help and the guilt of me hurting him hits me like a rock while he was there showing support and concern for me.

Right now, the most important thing to do now is to keep Plan A'ing and be happy person. It's true people are attracted and wants to be around people who are positive and happy.<p>So in the meantime,i'm do researching and finding and exploring my LBs and ENs.
I'm reading Men are from Mars, women are from venus. I should have read this long ago! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It really helps in identifying my annoying behaviours eg Women showed they care by helping and advicing each other, I didn't know that by giving unsolicitated advice to men means that i don't trust him enough to allow him to do his own thing! gosh...now this really helps in knowing where i've gone wrong.
Hang in there! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm sorry it's so in your face! How are you doing today?<p> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

I had a nice weekend. My WH must have had a case of the guilts and took me out to lunch Friday and out to dinner. I'm liking the attention. He even wanted to get up close and personal. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know this whole thing is cyclical and today may be a whole different ball game.<p>I took everyone's advice and had my nails done. I would have bought clothes but I could not find anything to fit [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I only weigh 98lbs now.
I want to take up yoga too. I have always wanted to do that. My kids are great. They are so supportive so, I wrote them all special love letters before they went to bed Friday night. They loved it! Try it.<p>I know that right now I am looking good to them. I feel for my WH. My older D is getting so resentful and bitter towards him. She is really getting stand offish to him. A friend told me that she told her daughter that she hated her father after she saw him talking to OW. My 12yo D told her dad last night that please tell the OW to not try to approach her anymore. It made her feel sad and she hates her. WH is going to loose all respect of the thing he treasures most in his life...His little girls.<p>After our big pow wow last Tuesday, I haven't said much. I know he still sees her and I cannot control his behavior. I live each day now for my kids and myself. It is his choice if he wants to join the ride.<p>He said himself that someone will be left out in the cold. I know it won't be me. I don't think he realizes the longer he waits, the odds are it will be him [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

You must be a very courageous and beautiful person to stand by your H while he lives with you and continues an A. I did that for 3 weeks before my H left and it ripped me apart knowing he was getting all dressed up to go out with the OW. I know how you feel about wanting him to live with the OW just for him to come out of the fog and out of this infatuation that is not love. My H doesnt live with the OW but thinks he is in love with her but he says he can't stand her kids. I am starting Plan B today and feel so good about it because he thinks I am just sitting there waiting for his return with open arms which I realize now that this was enabling the A. I believe that your H is having his cake and eating it too. I don't understand if he is having an A, why he would want to remain with you. Wouldnt the guilt and the pain he is putting on you be so overbearing? I truly feel for you.

Sometimes I think I am the one in the fog [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] But, we have been together 24 years and married almost 21 (July 21). Too much history for me to be down and out yet but it is getting easier for me to see life without him. When your kids want him to go because they see how disrespectful he is being to me then, the time is drawing near. I am not perfect but kept a wall up that I was. You know everyone's friend, great boss and mother. Something gives. What about me?<p>Everyone thinks I am crazy. He does have a great life but is feeling pressure from friends and family and his own kids. He will not be able to do this forever. I don't think their stolen moments are worth the hassle. <p>I will wait a while longer but, I am attractive, intelligent and have a great job. I am a happy person with a great personality. I lost myself and let my WH selfishness drag me down. I am in charge now.<p>I still get down but I can't live sad anymore. That really is not me.<p>Thanks for the couragous part. It's that or stupid [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Last night I got even with OW. I had to go to soccer field with my D. I came for work so I was dressed very trendy and not looking bad. The OW stood about 8 feet away from me. Staring at me trying to get me to crack. I did not. I kept talking to the other moms, laughing joking. She finally walked away.<p>After the game my WH came over to me kissed me and grabbed my butt. Right in front of her. <p>No false hope but it felt good not to run. I'm not afraid of her anymore [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It felt good to be confident and know that I am attractive.

That is great RN:
I am so proud of you. See, I told you were courageous. Have you ever thought of giving your H an ultimatum, saying it is either me or her? Sometimes I think the best revenge is showing your strength and that you will be happy without him. I suggest that you are not always waiting for him when he returns from his A. Start going out and keep him guessing a bit. If he thinks he might lose you then he will desire you even more. I am sure the guilt is just eating him up especially with the way the kids are treating him. Keep it up. I broke down last night and went for dinner with my H. I want so hard to try Plan B, he is going through a hard time as his father is dying. He just wants to be my friend and I just can't handle that. You seem stronger than me. Kim..

Moving forward...
I have asked him to leave but he does not want to. He does not want to send the wrong signal to OW that we are through. He says he needs time.<p>My time line is 6 months then, Plan B. I am here to tell you that his attentiveness has increased significantly since I have become more independant.<p>Last night my spies at the soccer field said he walked away from OW when she tried to talk to him. Hopeful? I don't know. But again, I had to run something to my daughter but this time she practically ran from me. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have my issues but I chose the marriage not the A. I want to work it out and recreate our M. If my WH wants it too, we are cooking but we shall see.<p>I was a wet noodle for 4 months but I need to let my kids know that we will be okay either way and not by mer words alone but by action.<p>I am not saying that I don't get sad but I cannot control him and it is about time that I stopped letting him control me. He has a lot to loose. I hope he is begining to realize.<p>For now...
Never let him see me sweat [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear RN:
I am sure your H feels your change in behaviour and it is working. And the fact that you asked him to leave shows that you won't put up with it. I believe that is what I have to do also. I sometimes wonder if it is too late for me for any restoration of the marriage but I need to be strong for myself, i know that. My H coaches soccer with our son actively involved but the OW is nowhere in my face. Have never met her but heard she hates me and is afraid of me, have no idea, I have never bothered her. Keep it up. You are strong, Kim...

Now as if she in my face wasn't enough, OWH was in my face last night. Seems like my younger D and OW daughter D trying out for same soccer team. OWH wanted to talk of A. I told him the what they did was in the past and none of us could change it however, presently the continuation was hurtful. I also told him I could not control my WH behavior. I could only be in charge of myself and I suggested he do the same. Rehashing this nightmare will not solve anything! <p>I also told him that I was confident I was going to be fine either way. If my WH wants me back I was there but no longer was he going to make me feel subhuman.<p>The OWH did tell me though something disturbing. My WH is looking more and more crazy! OW D play against my D team which my WH coaches. At the end of the game when shaking hands the OW D would not shake WH hand. My WH started to harase her and when OWH defended his child, my WH flipped him off! IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE CHILDREN!!!!!<p>He must be nuts!<p>I looking pretty good to myself right now. I am around a bunch of loones! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear RN:
This is such a messy situation. I feel bad for the girls in both families. Here is my advice. I think your H should give up coaching for a while until this horrible comotion settles in the dust. Don't stop your D from playing soccer which she loves. And when you go to the games, go hand in hand with your H. Obviously, there is so much pain with the OW's H & D. Would your H step down for a while? I am sure this tension is putting a lot of burden on your D. I am sure it is the talk of the whole soccer team.
Keep me in touch, Kim

Hi to all.

I had a great vacation. WH was very attentive but no physical contact. It is hard to know what to do. At times he wants my affection and at others it appears that I am disgusting.

Last night was a new adventure. He acted very affectionate but fell asleep. I had bought him a funny card that made me laugh. He got upset and told me no more cards. Then, when I fell asleep I started to cry in my sleep. I was dreaming of my parents, both deceased. He woke me up, I went to restroom, composed myself and went back to bed. He asked me if I was okay and I said yeah, just a bad dream. Later I guess I was talking in my sleep. I said he doesn't want it anymore. I don't know what I was dreaming that time but he took offense. It was 4:30am amd he got up started slamming things to which I woke up and asked him what was wrong. He said he could not take the emotional abuse. Imagine that? I then told him the dream was about my parents and that I had no idea what the other was about.

He did calm down but he is obviously guilty about something or he would not have been so defensive. I just don't know what to do. My kids hate him and want him to leave. Sometimes I think he should but they too pretend all is well when he is around.

Quite a mess.

Dear RN:
You are right that he feels guilty about something because of his reaction. My H did the same thing just before he left, so defensive and angry, and so quick to blame. It sounds like he is very confused. Would he go for councelling? ARe you sure the affair is totally over? Just give it time and patience, they say that they go thru emotional pain from the break up of the affair.

I had to meet with my H yesterday so he came over for dinner. I had a worship CD playing softly during dinner and my son heard a song that he loves and asked me to turn it up so I did. My son was singing away at the dinner table, "My God is an awsome God" and my H started to weep. It was very awkward for me. Then we had to go to a mall to get photos for immigration and I stopped to look at earrings and my H saw a pair he liked and went and bought them for me. I was shocked. I am sure he is feeling the conviction. Anyways, I decided I am leaving for Canada next week, driving by myself with the kids, 26 hrs, but am excited for the break. God bless, Kim...

I do not htink the A is over but it is definitely on the back burner. WH is very considerate and kind on one day and mean the next. I ignore his negative behavior but it gets to my kids.

Like yesterday, I was dressed really nice for work. My kids kept conplimenting me but my H said nothing. He never tells me I look nice or that I am attractive in anyway.

Although the A is cooling it isstill all about him and his needs. It is hard to be the only one working. I take that back, he is working on it but not where we need help. We need our intamacy back.

It is amazing how their guilt always turns to material things when all they would have ever do is to give of themselves.

Ang

Hello RN,

I am in a similar sitch. We live in a small town & my H is living with OW who lives next door to H family. My H& I are both very active in community. I am trying to stay active, he is slipping. I think out of imbarasment. My kids won't go to see their father at OW house. They don't like to go to IL when they know that H is at OW house. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. I also see OWH at times, & he always runs back to tell OW & H what I am up to. My H thinks that OW 3yr D is a pain, the OW is also Pregnant with her H baby. I have been trying to show him that I am moving on. I feel better when there is no contact. I do see him as he also works in the village. I just wave. Right now I realize that my kids & myself are my 1st priority. I am taking kids away for a week, can't wait to get away from all the gossip etc. Good luck.
Cheryl