I have never written to this forum before but I have been reading all the good advice and could use some now. I have been married over 10 years with 2 children and what I thought was a good marriage although not perfect. I found out one month ago through an anonymous email about the A. My husband was on a trip and she was with him. I was beyond shocked and upset. He came back from the trip early and said he wanted to work on the marriage and was breaking up with her (15 years younger,works in his office and had been with her for 7 months). We saw a marriage counselor and he placed the marital problems blame on me. I tried really hard for the first 2 and 1/2 weeks to work on the marriage issues then caught him in a lie. He was supposed to only have minimal contact with the OW but had been calling her and meeting with her privately at work. I told him that was unacceptable and he agreed it hurt the marriage process. I then confronted him the next day when he was late from work and again he was talking with her and did a few more times last week. He now says he is still in love with her and does not know if our marriage would work out anyway. I have asked him to leave but he doesn't want to go although he considers the marriage "a long shot". How much longer should I keep trying? The OW is supposedly looking for another job but that may be a lie on her part or his. I have lost 8 pounds, am going to go to individual counseling and am now taking Xanax to deal with my anxiety over this. He had been a good husband and pretty good father before this happened. What should I do?

keep trying
Exactly like my situation except i am 8 days into plan b because the counsellor said that due to so many negative vibes and his inability to talk maybe separation would be best, he latched on to that and i sit and wait for 17 days to go by until i learn of his decision when we next meet at counselling. I think your marriage is worth trying so plan a as much as you can.. Good luck

keep trying Yes definetely keep trying. You have just begun! I had to deal with my wife's affair for over a year. She even moved out for several months to live with OM. I am now almost (I think) ready to give up because she is now pregnant with OM's child! We don't have any children of our own and OM is willing (I think) to marry her and raise their child so for their sake it may be time for me to get out.
In your case the first thing I would is read Surving the Affair, His Needs Her Needs, and Love Busters which can all be ordered from this site. I also like After the Affair by Dr. Spring.
Read all those books and continue being nice to your H. Get informed and then start thinking about where to go from there.
Remember he said he wants to work on the marriage! He doesn't want to let you go, he thinks the marriage is a long shot now because he is in the fog and thinks the other woman is cinderella but you are the cinderella in his life. You are the woman he married. So be his cinderella and read all those books.

Thank you for your words of support. I have another question. Am I making a mistake in trying to talk with my H about how the A is affecting his ability to look at the marriage realistically or really try to fix it? Our counselor has not been very good about telling him that sort of thing. I feel his current fog is preventing him seeing clearly. Also, when I get upset and talk about how sad or hopeless I feel about the situation, am I pushing him away more? I think I may be, but the reality of the situation is driving me crazy (the reality being he is still in love with OW and sees her every day at work). As of this morning he seems to be less hopeful that our marriage will ever work out and he feels like he may lose the OW if he gives us too long of a try. I have been trying so hard! I don't think it is helping or am I just rushing things? (its been one month since I found out) Should I just try to be the happy, sexy wife with the immaculate house when a just want to sob all day? We have a getaway trip planned in 2 and 1/2 weeks without the kids and I'm not sure if he will still be here or if I can stand this that long. Any advice will help! Thanks!

Well I was in a similar situation last year when my H told me he was in love with a single coworker of his who he saw every day. She worked in his dept so there was no avoiding her even if he tried. When I first found out he tried to end it several times ( gut-wrenching for me I must say!) and each time he would last only a wk or so then she would tell him that our marriage was 'hopeless' and that I could never forgive him and that he should be with her instead. So after a few wks of his not ending contact with her I asked him to 'move out to think.' Of course OW seized on this and convinced him that I threw him out to be with her! He ended up staying in her condo for about a month. However I could not stand to be around him every night after I caught him on our phone telling her he loved her, his cruel and cold manner toward me etc. I recommend you read the book Love Must be Tough by James Dobson right away. You need to be setting firm boundaries with him SOON ! Believe me he will have MORE respect for you if you do! You may need to switch to a firmer counselor too. I called several marriage counselors and asked them who THEY would recommend and that way I found a man in his mid-fifties counselor who 'tells it like it is!" and he was the one who finally convinced H that there IS NO fixing a marriage as long as there is ANY contact between him and OW. In my situation OW got transferred 2 mo after I found out and that STILL didnt end it altogether- I found out H was lying to me and calling her long distance for another month before FINALLY ending it all.My H was like yours in that this affair made him behave really irresponsibly and totally out of character with the lying, blaming me etc. It was definitely the bad influence of being around OW every day for a year before I found out the extent of what was going on. Take care- lifeismessy

I was thinking some more about your situation and I really believe that since your H wont truly END all contact with OW( And I doubt highly that this will even be possible as long as they work together) and since he is blaming his marriage problems on YOU not as JOINT issues to work on that you need to be much firmer with him than you are now. I did a kind of modified plan B with my H by insisting he move out since he wouldnt attend counseling more than twice with me and both times he insisted all marital problems were MY fault and was hesitant about if he wanted to stay married or not. I let him come over as many evenings as he wanted to see the kids but when I would plead with him to consider our future together that just drove him apart more as it explains in the book Love Must be Tough by Dobson. Another great book that deals with this same dynamic is Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. If you chase after, beg, cry, for your H to break off the A it will just drive him further into the arms of OW and you will feel less respect for yourself and feel even worse. Try to use gentle but strong firmness with him. Tell him he cant keep living at home if he wont end contact with OW and participate in counseling. My H tried to sleep on the couch for MONTHS thinking he could stay there indefinitely while still carrying on with OW on the side. I found out from an attorney that I could have him out of our house within a few wks with some specific paperwork filed. He had moved out for a few wks then back in saying he wanted reconcile but then went BACK with OW.His plans were not to move out the house because it would affect his chances of getting custody of the kids. ( I am NOT advocating divorce here- I only consulted an attorney after he said he had been seeing one on his lunch hrs). When I told H that he better start finding an apartment since he couldnt sleep on the couch indefinitely THAT made him think! Firm but kind boundaries are the key here.

My thoughts are with you keep trying. Similar situation, but am beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel (or is that just another tunnel?).<p>Anyway, despite the fact that kicking my WH out of the house before I found marriagebuilders was not exactly in line with what the Harley's suggest, Jennifer Harley Chalmers did help me through doing a modified plan A with my WH out of the house. In hindsight, I think this kept my love for him at a level where I could plan A. When I first found out, everything was my fault, he loved me, but wasn't in love with me, blah blah blah. He still works with OW -- but I am in a bit of a weird situation. I would love for one of them to quit for sure. On the other hand, I believe the A is over (for now) as more and more people were finding out about the A within his organization and they could both be fired AND the fact that I work in the same field/in a very influential position and the OW knows without my having to say it that her a@@ is grass professionally if this keeps up. I haven't said peep because that would be a huge lovebuster, but it's definitely out there/there is no disputing the situation. <p>I did plan A with WH out of the house (am still in plan A actually/probably the rest of my life) for five months. The A continued after discovery (the PA ended but the EA continued) for another three months (which I figured out about a month ago). At that point, I said I'm done being patient and I'm ready to go to plan B. Since that point contact has ended and WH wants to come home. Still a bit unsure about how this is going to work out -- but you can do a plan A (per Jennifer Harley Chalmers not me/I'm no expert) with your WH out of the house. It's definitely much harder and probably allows the A to flourish more than it would have if WH was still at home, but I actually think it took some of the excitement/fantasy out of the A for him to be living in a skanky apartment and my not checking what he was doing (that he knew about)/no need to try and sneak.<p>You definitely need to find a counselor that will say that continued contact is a non-starter for your marriage. My WH's individual counselor repeatedly said this/it just took a while to sink in. I think there are counselors out there who are either "happiness at all costs" prone or "divorce" advocates and you need to try and avoid those if you really want to save your marriage.

Dear KT:
I was in your same position also. I truly feel your pain. Please do not beg and plea for him to come back to you. I did, and it just pushed him away. I have cried rivers of tears, and still do sometimes. Read as much as you can the books suggested. I related to "Love must be tough" by Dobson but it was way to late when I found it. This is such a great site. So glad you found it this early. My prayers are with you. Kim...