Myhusband has been gone almost 3 months. he met a woman talked to her on the phone a couple of weeks & moved in with her,and her daughter. Leaving me with 2 daughters of our own.(3 & 1 years old)
we have both lost our jobs through out this whole ordeal. I was so, depressed & stresses out I had to resign cause I was not eligible for a leave of abscence. i was still on probation. He got fired, lack of focus. Before he laeft he was working 2 jobs, quit his part time job the day he left too stressed out he said.
the first month he was gone,ws very hard we did not get along. he was like a totally different person. Then one day he came to me, and told me he missed me, our children, and our family. but, he went back to her. about 3 weeks ago I wrote him a letter telling him that he was happy & I was letting go. He told me that I did not know or understand what he was going through, he asked me for some time.
A week later I met him in the park so, he could paly with our 3 year old. we talked for about an hour. He told me we were going to be back together. He said he loved me, and he hugged me for a long time. Before he was so emotionally shut off to me. I really took him serious, still he went back to her. He told me that they have broken up 4 or 5 times since he has been there. I don't see what is holding him there.
A cuple of days ago I tried writing another good bye letter, this one was long. I thoroughly explained how I was feeling to him. He read 1 page, and asked me to keep it for him. He said he could not read it then. He came back over the next day, but did not mention the letter. I asked him where we stood. He said he was so confused, and if he lost me he would just have to deal with it.
My SIL talked to him, asked him was he done withhis marriage & he said I don't know. She thinks he wants to come back but, can't face his mistake, and he has no where to go. He told her that he was going through alot where he was, and right now his main focus is finding hisself a job.
She knows I want my husband back, she told me not to give him the long letter because I was not ready to say goodbye. She told me to get my thoughts together, and let him know that I want him back, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to work through this problem, and the ones we had before this. I love him so, much & I can see his love for me in his face.
i just do not know what to do. I know he does not have anything real with this girl.She was on the rebound, she literally met my husband the night she got out of the hospital recovering from broken ribs result of her boyfriend beating her up. She has a daughter, whose father does not take care of her, she says he left her for a woman with 5 kids & married her. I think he was already married.
As for my husband he was weak, and captivatd by her attention & tricks to pull him in.
regardless of why & how. I want my husband back & would welcome all advice. phiilips4@aol.com

Hi miechele-
Sorry to meet you here but you have come to the right place. First I want to say I can really sympathize; what you are going thru is probably the hardest thing a marriage can face, and with small children it seems worse.
Secondly, I'm pretty new here myself and there are wiser ones who I hope will jump in, but I would advise you to read, read, read on this site. Not just the posts in the forum but also the info from the Harleys about how to deal with an affair. On the "just Found Out" section there are some older threads like "notable posts" that are full of wisdom. If I knew how I would link them here, but I don't. If you look for my thread, "Please advise-JFO" the first response had some wonderful links which helped me a lot.
Good luck, you have friends here.

dear M:
I really feel for you. When my H left, I was constantly begging him back which I realize was the worst thing I could do. It just made him want to be further away from me. I suggest that you give your H as much space and don't share too much with lengthy letters to him how you feel. Keep him guessing. I think he would desire you more if he felt he might be losing you. I see now how I desired my H more when I realized I was losing him. I have just shut my H now out of my life (Plan B) which I should of done a long time ago. It has just ripped me apart by being there too much for him while he continues in this A. Prayer and support of others who have been through this is such a great help. God bless, Kim...

My heart goes out to you...<p>My advice, don't keep writing letters unless you are really planning to Plan B. I wrote my H a letter when I found out about his A. He did not read it and it broke my heart. When he left, I cried, I begged, I pleaded, but in the end...I could not make him come back. I took the time & space that he needed and worked on me. I did not close the door, b/c I knew that he would walk back through. Now, he knows that he wants his marriage and his family. It is a constant struggle, but we are trying to make things work. <p>It sounds as though you both are struggling right now. Concentrate on you and taking care of your children. I also suggest that you read "In recovery." Your H may not feel that he is "worthy" to come back to you in the mental and financial shape that he may be in. Give him time and encouragement, but please don't keep begging. That is the worse that can be done. He will feel as though he does not have to make a decision, b/c he knows that you will be there. <p>Work on getting a job and improving your mental health. He will see that you are doing well and he will want to be apart of that healing.<p>Good luck and God Bless you.

Hi Miechele,<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders. Many of us come here with horrible stories that we thought would never happen to us but lo and behold, here we are among those who are learning to cope with what we have and survive. <p>You have been given a good start. Please take a look at the basic concepts section located at the top of this page. There you will learn the general overview of what MB is all about. There are some good books to read that will help you honestly evaluate yourself, make your self improvements then if and when you H will need your assistance to return to his family and he earns that right to be welcomed back as a valued family member then you will have the strength and the tools to help him. <p>Both of you are not ready for that now. However, if the letters are helping you post your feelings, write them, just don't send them yet......... I have written many letters and kept an extensive journal. Along with posting here at MB for over a year, I have learned how to vent and how to heal. <p>For now concetrate on U. Your H is already way out there and very confused. Actually his confused state can be taken as a positive sign because if the OW was such a great thing, he should be over joyed but he is not. <p>So make yourself and your family the attractive and loving family. I know you might get angry (because that is part of the healing process) and frustrated at him but we can help you through those times. <p>So read and let us know how you are doing. <p>take care,
L.

miechele<p>I feel for you too. MY H is shackin' up part time with another married woman. Upsetting, ain't it?<p>He's been gone 3 months now.<p>I don't know how old your H is but looking back, mine is going through a huge MLC. I freaked out pretty much when I found out about the affair, he bailed out of fear, and I think he's in his situation now partly out of fear of me and guilt. He did attempt a few things when we first separated, but I was hurting so much that I could barely stand the sight of him too. For example, a week after he moved out was his birthday. He agreed to have dinner with me and the kids at a Mexican restraurant. Well, he walks in wearing a brand spanking new expensive watch from the gal pal. Did I hurt when I saw that! I could BARELY afford that dinner and he kept glancing at that watch all during dinner. He wasn't wearing wedding ring.<p>I barely survived that dinner, gave him a heck of tongue lashing for that watch.<p>I shouldn't have done it. He did try to be a dad and husband by having a birthday dinner with us. All I could focus on was me at that point.<p>So, I guess the only advice I can give you is to be patient, wait it out as long as possible. The pain does get less each day (bit by bit). I still reel some days now, but am beginning to be able to also tolerate H's presence when he shows up. You'll never know what is putting him where he's at. But, even despite your difficult situation (no job, no money)... see what you can do for yourself. Been doing that myself... <p>If you see him and he does even the smallest positive thing, see if you can focus on that and find a way to appreciate it. It does seem almost impossible when you know what's going on, but it does help YOU to avoid obsessing. That was a problem of mine... the obsession of it all. Still hard, but getting bit easier.<p>Find supportive friends/relatives, but just tell them what you feel comfortable telling them.<p>If you can, some local counties/cities have nearly free or free mental health services. SEe if you can locate one for yourself, if you think that may help. It's helped me to have a place to go just to pound out the anger and frustration. Mine is now helping me to focus on how to deal with my anger. <p>I back up everyone about not writing letters. I did that a few times (e-mail) and it doesn't do anything. Hardens them anyway. <p>And above all, this website and divorcebusting.com has helped me so far immensely. I don't post much, but the FREE info in and of itself has helped me focus MY thoughts and efforts. Discovered this site before H left, but I didn't pay much attention to it. Was reeling so much from wondering what his problems were, how he hurt me so much, and the constant arguments that I didn't really notice ANYTHING good I came across. Well, I am now beginning to seek out the positive that there might be!<p>Bit about me:<p>Married nealry 24 years
4 daughters (3 teenagers)
H is having affair, MLC
OW is married, living a few blocks from my H
Spends night there, she has young children
Her H knows about this arrangement<p>My H was the most kindest and stablest person I ever knew. Says he's doing this now because it's time he "stops making decisions for me and now he should make them for himself... he wants a life... I bore him!"<p>He's been coming around a bit more lately and hasn't been so insulting although he still acts like a teenager (and he's 44 years old)...<p>Slow slow progress between he and I. Am really working hard to Plan A... and I keep LBing big time. When I need to call him, he has problems with viewing me as his "mother" and thinks I want "slave". I need a lot of help chauffeuring our teenage kids around and with this aging house. Try calmly to ask, but times it goes very quickly to a heated and insulting argument. Trying not to be needy around him... but factually present question/situation. Very difficult!<p>I may do a Plan B in a month or two as soon as some other problems that we need to resolve together are taken care of. (We're closing on a house refinancing very soon, have attorney appointments because of an auto accident one of our Ds had, need to get one D into college and hlep another into grad school). So, there are a few things that we need to keep in contact over...<p>Good luck!

I can absolutely understand where you are coming from.

Though my H never moved in with the OW....he spent ALOT of nights at her house.

One thing I learned through all of this....was first...I had to work on me....start looking out for me.....that just in case thing.

Second.....I learned that what my H was doing was trying to prove to himself that the relationship with the OW COULDN'T work. He didn't want to walk away with that...."what if" feeling. He wanted to be able to come home to me and know that he would never want to leave and be with this woman again.

Of course he could do that with me.....because he knew where I stood.....or thought he did....my H was almost too late in making his decision to work on our marriage.....we are now almost 9 months into recovery....and it's great.

Take this seperation as a breather.....don't initiate contact with your H.....work on you....concentrate on you and your children.....quit writing letters as they are sometimes turned against you.

Take care of YOU.

Hi,
I know this is a very hard time for you. You want to do anything to get him to come home. My advice is work on yourself.

About 7 years ago, my H, was my livin bf back then. Shortly after are 2nd child was born, he left me for another, moved in with her. I kept asking him where we stood, was he coming back, the whole time he kept denying there was someone else. After about 6 mo of this I decided it was time for me to move on and make a life for me and the boys without him. He would have to be a weekend daddy. When I started doing this, he took notice, started wanting back in my life. Two years later we married. I refused to live together again unless we were married. I don't recommend you take steps of moving on until you are ready for a life without him. Do not do it as a scheme to try to get him to come back. Sometimes it does not work that way. You need ot be at a point with yourself where your are ready to move on without him. If he comes back great. If not, well, you weren't planning on it anyway.

Work on improving yourself and being happy with yourself.

Sue, I agree wholeheartedly!

However, I understand how hard it is. I'd encourage anyone who needs to do that emotional distancing to get THEMSELVES a darned good therapist if they think that would help.

I'm finding out the value of that... I CAN'T afford it, but hey... if H can have a huge livin' large MLC and blow money like water, then I can do this for myself as well.

You have to realize that what they are doing is no reflection on you as a person, although I know that can be terribly trying at times because they will find every excuse and manipulation in the book to avoid any responsibility for their behavior... it's odd because my H used to be one of the most decent people I'd even known in my life!

My position is rather difficult in that there are many problems in the way for me to even do that distancing right now: we had to refinance this house--and that does NOT solve many financial problems. (He screwed our finances up royally.) Additionally, I am being sued by the state for an accident our D had because HE neglected to pay auto insurance and I'm slowly trying to encourage him to help out in that area (I'm getting eaten alive with attorney fees right now, and I WANT to encourage him to help out with this situation because D and I both may lose our driver's licenses for 3 months and will need basic transportation--and I really hate losing that piece of independence, let me tell you.) Additionally, we're trying to get D#2 into college.

My life such that it is -- is a shambles. And because of these situations, it is so easy for me to have all of my buttons pushed by him. He sees me as needy, "pathetic" (His word, not mine.)

All I can do is slowly withdraw as each minor task or problem is solved each day. The last time I talked money with him, I got called "pathetic" because he gives me so much. (But, he defaults on loans.... LOL.) So, I stopped sending him statements on how his money is spent on his daugthers and the house. I'll wait for him to ask for them. (I did account for every penny from him from March through June, stopped for July <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

This is one nutty situation... and I'm trying to play poker with someone without a full deck because a few cards are up his sleeve still.