My WH told me this morning that he was still in love with the OW and his feelings had not diminished nor had he regained the feelings for me (after a month of me really trying- plan A to the best of my ability). I had found out that he was continuing contact with the OW (they work together). He would say he wasn't then I would catch him in a lie almost daily. I gave him one more chance tonight when he got home from work (after seeing my counselor today) to stop contact with the OW and work on the marriage or leave. He chose to leave! My original plan was to give him a few days to get ready but then he started blaming me for the marital problems (which he has done since I found about the A) so I asked him to leave tonight. He briefly explained to our 2 young sons that he was going away for awhile but would see them soon. He actually left them both confused thinking he was just going somewhere overnight so I was left to explain and comfort the children. I'm not sure where he went, but he packed quite a bit of clothes. I'm not sure how well I handled it but I finally feel a sense of self-respect that has been lacking the last month and an unusual calm. I know it will still be an emotional roller coaster and he likely went to her. So any advice from here? I'm hoping he will come out of the fog.

I know it's hard, when I read the first line of your post I immediately thought that he had still been in contact with OW, and when I read on I saw that he had been. (Gee, I guess I'm getting good at this stuff!)<p>IMHO, it would probally be for the best at this moment. I don't know your whole story, but if you haven't alreay it may be time for plan B, but don't force yourself into it, you have to be ready for it. I think that is the key to being able to go through with the plan. Let him go and see what real life would be with OW and he will more than likely see that it's not what it's cracked up to be. <p>Time to focus on you. As I was told yesterday, you cannot change anyone, they can only change themselves.

Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. But my husband denied the A altogether when he was moving. You know, just to get "his mind clearer." It was incredibly difficult emotionally until he admitted to the A. I highly recommended anti-depressants for that roller coaster especially if you have kids that may see it's affect on you. I believe someone once recommended allowing yourself to feel the anger--smash fruit, break plates, punch a pillow--but get it out!!

Once you can, you can focus on you. He is out of the house, so you have no control there. He knows you love him and that's good.

What I have done is plan A with him only when he initiates the contact (like when calling the kids). I just say "I love you." I have explained to him that he doesn't have to respond in kind. My main focus with him is not to pressure him because it works to the opposite of what I intend.

I also bought the Power of a Praying Wife and it brought such peace to my heart. I realized that I had to deal with my anger and unforgivenss before I could even pray for my husband. Once I did forgive, I told my husband the next time I could. To clarify, I don't agree with his behavior but I chose to forgive so my heart would be open to understanding. I try to be happy and kind when he calls. I don't quiz him because it drives him away and I might hear more lies. Meanwhile, I am working on my love busting behavior and trying to work on my ability to meet his EN. IMHO, until you can stop LBing everytime you talk (which they don't hear anyway), you need to have minimal contact. When you do contact, make it as pleasant as possible.

My WH has responded positively so far, although I try not to expect too much. I see small but positive signs, which is more than I've seen for 5 months.

I hope this helps. Hang in there.

My H did the same thing. He blamed me for the failure of our marriage and said he had no other choice but to leave for the OW. I believe that they try everything to blame you because they want to justify their horrible actions as they definately feel guilty when there is children involved. I feel your pain, Kim..

Broken hearted-
My pastor gave me "The Power of a Praying Husband". It's inspirational when many times I've felt like there was no hope. God has helped me to get in touch with my heart and my feelings. He has calmed my emotions. And God does still perform miracles. Keep up the faith.

My H did the same thing last year when I insisted he move out if he kept continuing his A with OW. He went to counseling twice with me blaming the majority of everything on me then quit. Said he wanted a divorce. After I asked him to move out after a few wks of Plan A, I worried alot about whether I was doing the right thing. He lived at OW's condo for 2 months after that saying he was staying with 'friends.' I kept going to counseling myself and to many Bible studies and that kept me sane thru all of this. I figured after 2 mo he was not coming back. But he did- saying he wanted to reconcile. THEN he was even colder with me- he would sleep on the couch most nights and show me VERY little affection and mention divorce, and I found out by checking his cell phone log that he was STILL in contact with OW and lying to me about it so of course no attempt at recovery was possible. I now wish I had made him go to therapy with me several times BEFORE allowing him to move back in to be SURE of his intentions. Patience is really key here as well as protecting yourself from further emotional damage by taking care of your own needs right now and not dwelling endlessly on what your H is thinking! I recommend the books Power of a Praying Wife, Hope for the Separated and Divorce Remedy- those would all be great reading for you right now. And dont despair!Affairs usually end because they are not put to the difficult tests that a marriage is. Take care- lifeismessy

My husband just left on Sunday. I know it's hard. I'm hoping my H. comes out of the fog too, but he's really obsessed with her. It's been almost a yr since they met and they first started talking in apr. of 01. I have tried everything so I guess plan B. is left, nothing has changed his mind and he is more worried about losing her right now than me. It does feel good to be alone, without the stress. Hugs! to both of us! At least we're not alone and we know there are other people out there who understand. Try to have a good holiday.

keeptrying,
My H left 4 weeks ago. For two weeks i have been trying plan B, no discussion about us, it is about our 7 year old D only and practical arrangements. It has been so hard, I really feel the loss sometimes and so lonely epsecially when he has our D as he does at the moment. But I feel my power is back when I maintain a strict plan B and focus on me. It's so horrible when they continue to blame us for the state of things. My H has been in contact with OW for two years now, continuing A on and off all that time. like your he is clearly obsessed and unable to let her go.. I have told him to go to her as he is so split and something needs to change. I had to get off the roundabout as they weren't going to and everything we were saying to each other we had said 100 times, it was like madness.

anyway, know you are not alone, this is the hardest thing but you will regain your self repsect and you will be focussing solely on your feelings not his.

Hang in there. My wife moved out three days ago, one day after my birthday and four days after our anniversary! Ouch!

The best advice I can give is this: "Plan-A with no expectations that the WS will return." That simple frame of mind will relieve you of so much anxiety about what may be.

And by doing so you will find out how wonderful YOU can be, and you will also be showing your WH and yourself that you have taken control of the situation. You and your children will benefit.

I had been on the brink of tears for weeks since finding out about my W's affair. But she has noticed the change in me (just over the phone) and by sticking to my Plan-A I have arrived at a place in myself where I no longer feel sad for myself. She and I even made plans to go out to see a movie together this weekend.

Maybe things aren't going to work out with the OM. But you know what? I can now 'take it or leave it' emotionally. I'm not stopping.

Plan-A with no expectations. Be your best for the simple joy of knowing that you are.

I hope this helped.