Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 412
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 412
Tomorrow (Saturday) is the day my wife is moving into her own apartment. It is going to be very difficult on me knowing what she said last night. That this could be the last time we are ever together because the way she feels right now is that our relationship is over. I have tried to be very supportive in the end with finishing with a strong plan A. I have offered to help my wife move but she is saying that it is best that I don't help her move. She is saying it is going to be an immotional day on both of us and she feels it is best that I don't help her move. Should I try to help or let her have it her way?
Does anyone have any advise on what I should or shouldn't do? Do I stick around and help her move or do I let her move on her own. She has made it clear she doesn't want me to help her move. I take it as if she doesn't want me knowing where is moving where really she might be saying she has hurt me enough already.
This is going to hurt so bad seeing her leave...help...

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 190
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 190
Hi confused_guy:

I would suggest you leave her on her own, I made a mistake of helping my wife, they take you for granted, I even went grocery shopping for her apt, they use u to the max..... there is no limit, cut your losses now and move on.

I am trying to do the same, it is tough and very hard, but hand in there!

we all will survive...

thelion

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 338
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 338
Confused Guy:

Totally agree with TheLion:

'Nuf said

Muzohead

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 966
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 966
C_G,

Well, you can lead a horse to water...

So I'd say you've offered your help - leave it at that if she doesn't want it - at least she will remember the offer, which is important.

I realize seeing her leave will be hard, but take it from someone who actually felt HE had to leave, to get out of the situation... it does get better. The tension dies back, you do get a chance to breathe again.

Let her go... At BrambleRose's suggestion, I picked up "The Language of Letting Go" from Amazon. Here's a quote:

We tried to convince those around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.

But now there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No-one can be dragged or forced across the bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.

We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.

If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.

The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 412
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 412
Well my wife(WS) moved out today as she planned. It seems she took just about every personal thing of hers so she would never have to return. I was a little disappointed when she took a bunch of pictures of her friends and what not and only one of me and her. I hope it is fog thinking but then again it might not be, that is the sad part. Well my wife rented a truck through U-haul and they called her late last night saying they wouldn't have a truck at 8:00 a.m. this morning. That is when she reserved a truck for was 8:00 a.m. My wife called this morning and U-haul said no truck until some time afternoon. This wouldn't work for my wife because she had the freight elevator only reserved from noon till two. So to make a long story short I helped her move. It was very hard on me but at the same time I did get to see where she is going to live. This was hard as I thought it would be but one part made me blow a little. We were outside by the street unloading the car and some guy comes up on a bike and says hi to my wife. I thought this was strange. So my wife says this is my brother (he was there) and this is Dave (me, but not my name). Then the guy asked how the place was, etc.. Then he left. I was offended as hell that she didn't say this is my husband Dave. Maybe a no big deal but it is as if she is creating a single life for herself and she is trying hard to exclude me from the picture. I asked who was that guy and it turns out that my wife works with him. I asked her what did you do announce it to all your coworkers. She says she slipped and said something when someone asked her what she is doing this weekend. I just don't like the fact first of all this is happening and second of all it is as my wife doesn't really care at all about the relationship we had.
So here I am now sad and for the first time in all most ten years alone. We have been apart before but you knew when we would be back together again. This is a time that we may or may not ever be back together. My wife did say she needed some time alone now. So now what do I do? I want to call but I know I don't need to call. I am going to stay busy but to be honest it is depressing living in the house that was ours. This is hard.....Any advice....

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 117
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 117
I don't know where you are in plan A, so I don't want to say much more about that. But you're right, it is hard when WW leaves. I decided to leave town the weekend that my WW moved most of her stuff out. I thought it would be too much for me. It turned out that it was hard on her. I thought it was a turning point in her A, but it ended up to be just more lies upon lies... more of the same.

Anyway, trust me... it will get better. Just because she doesn't live with you anymore doesn't mean you can't continuing to see her, if that's what you want. My W has been separated from me since last Nov. I like having the whole house to myself and my son.

Take care... we're all with you.

<small>[ June 29, 2002, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: thejohnsmith ]</small>

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
confused_guy,

It is tools time ... really !!!. Take a look at your house and change it to your liking. Do a project on the house ... a deck on the back yard or re-landscaping your back yard ... you get the point. Nothing you could do at this point, she will do what she want. You want ot have a better M and fullfiling one not the one that has been rot w/ A. You are better off this way. I confer w/ JR & tJS. When I live with WW, it is like living in the egg shell. It was good for me to show my plan A ... however she rejected it and make my life like hell. When she "officially" moved out, I cried at that day seeing my place half empty, she took some of the furnitures and most of the pictures. She didn't even have the courtesy to notify me even afterward ... my 2 D told me about it. I knew right then my biggest dangerous is depression, the big D. I rearrange my apartment and even took down some pictures and get busy by installing some windows. I told my 2 D that this is our apartment and we will rearrange it the way we like them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I am also staying out when I fell sad ... take a mini vacation or going out more with my 2 D. This summer I know I would be again in danger of Big D since I will be alone alternate week w/o my 2 D. I was lost like a lamb in the thickest forest ... can sleep, can eat and I stay in the office work like a dog. Luckly I called my mom since I knew I would be in this state. I only have to be alone in one week ... the longest week of my life. In short ... don't let The Big D get you. Get busy and do a major project in your house and if you can't ask someone close to move in with you for a few months. You need someone, an adult to interact with. Better yet, call your relative to visit you ... you could be a tour guide for them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Hang in there, you could do it ... many had. The first few days are very crucial, it will get better as the time goes by. As matter of fact it will heal you faster. Post and post to help you out. -RH-

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 65
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 65
Dear CG:
I know exactly how you feel. The hardest time was when I put the kids to bed at night and I was left alone in the evenings.

I agree with J.R., I did the same to my house. I painted every room, made curtains and cushions, made some ceramic pots with plants. Some friends gave me furniture, rugs, pictures, as I was on such a limited budget. I now love to come to my house because it represents me, not my H.

Another suggestion is to keep busy. Try something new. I took up painting. It is good to develop new friends also who are in the same situation as you. I joined a new church. Exercise really helps. I lost 30lbs, had to buy new clothes, changed my whole look.

One special thing that did happen was that I grew a much deeper loving bond with my kids.

After a few weeks of my H leaving, I started to get a peace because it was so stressful the last month he was here knowing he was in an A. He was angry and miserable, trying to blame me for ruining the marriage so he could justify his A with the OW. I don't walk on eggshells anymore.

My last and final advice. Focus on YOU YOU YOU. Develop who you are as a person, not as a couple anymore, Think how you managed before you met your W as a single person. The things you used to enjoy. It is not easy but TIME does heal.

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 412
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 412
This is a lot harder on me then I thought. It is very depressing that I am still in our house. The house that I have so many memories in. I really can't stand being in the house. One of my long term goals right now is going to sell the house. It is more like self torture being here. I know a lot of you may say with time it will get better. Well I know if there is that miracle chance that we will work out my wife(WS) won't come back to our house due to her parents living real close to us.
I feel depressed but in a different way. Depressed about the fact that something that was so good to me in my life is no longer there. Like there is the large void in my life. I have no desire or intentions of going out myself and getting involved to fill that lonely void from another women. I am not talking about that at all. But it is like there is a big hole in my heart right now and the wind just blows right through it. I do know I have to keep busy and do other things to keep my mind occupied. I am going to do my best but I know this is going to be a struggle.
Money is going to be tight since I got stuck with the mortgage and all of the house bills. So no more cable and other things that I no longer can afford. Once again my wife got her cake and is eating it. Well there is no Plan A while she has moved off. My wife said she doesn't want to talk for a few weeks until things sink in. Personally I think she is wanting me to get use to the idea that she is gone. Honestly I am tired of playing by her rules. It has been her rules the past seven months.
One question I have for those who have worked out after Plan B. Just how long did it take your WS to some what come out of the fog and attempted to work on the marriage? Weeks, Months, Years, etc... Just wondering what I am up against.

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 966
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 966
I've been in Plan B for 4 weeks now. Still no sign of her agreeing to my "terms" for reconciliation.

If you're serious about truly being in Plan B, are you willing to write a Plan B letter? I think many of the old-timers her would agree that it's important. You could write it and post it here for comments... just an idea.

I know it's really hard right now. I was for me too. And it isn't easy to NOT call them, NOT think about them, etc. It is important, I think, to really give her that space, though. Even though you think she's going to be off partying and enjoying herself, she's now got an empty place to come home to (not in terms of "things", but you).

A couple of questions come to mind...

- Has the ever "acknowledged" your Plan A "changes"?

- Has she said anything that makes you believe she's confused? (I imagine she is - she isn't pushing for divorce or anything, by the sounds of it.)

Back to your original question... how long?

It's anybody's guess - I've seen 2 days to never!! From my own experience... I think the more "no contact" you can achieve, the better. If she believes you're waiting in the wings, it will only continue to enable her. You don't need to prove you aren't there for her by being cold, dating, etc. - but just by "letting go", doing things to make yourself feel better, etc.

One example from my situation: I'm going on a trip starting this Friday... going camping in a place close to where WW and I went once and loved. And guess what? WW is taking care of MY place (our cats)!!! We exchanged e-mails about this - I kept it brief, business-only, but still polite and kind. I think it does surprise her - to not have "control" over me, and realize that I can go off and be happy on my own. And that's just reality - I've got to be able to make myself happy, 'cause I don't know how this is going to turn out!

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
confused_guy,

My WW in plan B since March ... when OM & WW both take a clean slate on their past ... LOL !!!. I don't see my WW turns around at all, not a bit. She is very determine woman. Moving to plan B is getting your self ready to take Dv or working on M and stopping the limbo life. Again, time heals but you have to use it wisely.

If you in SF bayarea ... we could sit and drink @ local pub or go bowling ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> or lend me a hand on fixer upper that I might be fortunate eough to close this month. -RH-

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 412
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 412
This is me just venting and saying how I feel so far going through the first few days of Plan B. Wow, is it depressing being around the house so many good memories and so many pictures around the house. It is very sad/depressing. I really don't like being at home now but to sleep and that is pretty much all I am there.
I am been trying to figure out why I am so down with my wife living some where else. It is I miss the company? Do I miss something else? Is this just because I have been rejected? etc...
I have put a lot of thought behind this and bottom line I miss my wife. I miss my wife for the person she was and how she treated me for so many good years. I still can't think of a reason why she is walking away cold turkey. I believe the other man was over back in December. She never did try and she is kidding herself if she thinks that she did try. It is very easy to just throw your hands in the air and say oh I can get someone else. Yes you can get someone else but hard to replace what you had when it was good. You ask me Plan A and Plan B suck and the reason I say that is because nobody should be in that type of Plan in the first place.
Like everyone else I never thought in a million years this would come to this. I never thought someone that said she loved me so much and could never live without just walked away. Life is hard right now and I know with time we will grow apart or come back together. I am going to start working on my Plan B letter because I don't want my wife thinking we can just be friends down the line. That isn't what I want out of what we had. I would like our relationship back in some shape or form. Not the old relationship but the new relationship with things being improved and worked on.
Like I said this is just be typing and vention out loud..

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
confused_guy,

Watch out for the big D .... been there ...

Your feeling is normal, when WS rejected our plan A it really put BS down in the gutters .... again watch out ... I did few thing that I regreted to this day if you 've followed my link. The purpose of plan A is to get us ready and realize what is our role in the relationship and make improvements. To wait until the A dies or BS can't take it no longer. When you are ready to put nail in the coffin, you switch to plan B.

Why we do this ... read my sig line !. I had have a traumatic life experience by betrayal of my own family. Now looking back I could say I did my best, I come out as a better person, stronger person and most of all I could snored at night ... guilt free. IT IS FOR YOUR OWN RECOVERY. CG !.

Don't let it get to you, focus ! and get adult freinds (no opposite sex) or relative to stay over with you, let me know if you need to talk to someone ... I could give you my cell#.

Hang in there brother, hang in tough !!!, o'k !. -RH-

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 412
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 412
redhat....

If plan B is planning for the big D. Then I ask why should I even stick around any more? Isn't that like torturing myself? The reason I say that is my wife (WS) has treated me like dirt for the past seven months. The lies, cheating, back stabbing, etc.. She got her cake and got to eat it where is mine? She told me before she left that as of right now it is over. That is how she feels and has for the past year or so. My fear and I told her is that she will want sex sooner or later and attention from someone. Just like she did from the other man. She told me if it gets to that point she will let me know and then she will basically file for divorce then. So I am wondering why I am dealing with knowing she is out having fun partying and hanging with her male coworkers. I am not just going to wait around and after she has all this fun and falls on her face then she will come crawling back to me. That isn't what I want. I want her to want to be with me and to stop the games or she doesn't want to be with me at all.
I guess it is time for a Plan B letter..... Any other advice? I sure can use all the advice I can get...

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 187
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 187
I think that part of Plan A is for you (actually mostly for you.) It is for you in the sense that if you get divorced you can look back without regret(s) and say I did everything I possibly could. I did not fail, but she/the M did.

If you file for a D or go to Plan B too early, you may look back later and and wonder "did I do the right thing" or "if only I tried this" or why did I rush into things."

You can show yourself that you can learn from this experience, you are a good person, you believe in commitment "for better, for worse."

Remember Plan A (or plan B for that matter) is not forever, just until you can't continue.

Keep in mind though, I may not know what I'm talking about. My wife moved out, I'm still trying Plan A the few times we talk or see each other. Perhaps I should have gone to Plan B along time ago? Ultimately, I'm willing to do what is best for the marriage and not for me (if that makes sense) so I continue Plan A. When my wife moves into her own apartment from her parents, I may go to B.

My story:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=30;t=001238

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
confused_guy,

You go to plan B when you are at acceptance stage ... you could move on w/ or w/o your wife. We stick around because we still love our spouse regardless what 've happened. I have no more romantice love anymore left in me for her but I still love her ... I am in plan B and I am moving on w/ or w/o my WW. Would I take her back ?, yes, she is the mother of my 2 D and I love her soo much. I would rather start with her than a total stranger .... however only under my terms and I would send her to SH before even I talk to her (break my plan B). I would ask SH to bet on his professional experience to evaluate my WW & my M that we could recover and have a chance of fullfilling M. If SH tells me he is not sure I will Dv my wife and start with someone new (new and improve younger model <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) .

CG, we are at the acceptance but our WW are still in la la land. Don't expect nothing !!!. Hang in there ... draft up your plan B. I hope Jim or WAT saw your post to review your plan B letter.

-RH-

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 966
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 966
Hmmm... "Why Plan B?"

Well, why not?

It's main purpose is to protect your remaining love and basically wait for her to catch up to you on the road to recovery.

If she doesn't, then you just keep moving forward.

So yes, a Plan B letter is essential... did you post it somewhere else already?

How long has she been out of the house now? How many times has she tried to contact you, even if for lame reasons?

I realize it seems hopeless... but if you're patient some more (I know, I know, how patient can someone be?)... you might start to see small signs of her coming around. But you need to really back way off... give her that space she's wanted... Who contributes most financially in your situation? Can you somehow start to cut her off financially (got to do it carefully, though)? Just thinking out loud...


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,027 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5