This is my second time I have tried Plan B and my H doesnt understand "NO CONTACT" He wants to be my friend. It is harder because we have 2 kids. I told him to wait in the car when he picks up the kids. Well, he came 40 min. early, just opened my front door, and I was sitting down for dinner with the kids. I knew he worked all day, and was hungry, I BLEW IT, I told him to sit down and eat if he was hungry. He said he hadnt eaten all day. Afterwards, I felt bad that I couldnt keep firm. I know he is going through a hard time because his father is dying. When I feed him, I think of the bible verse that says if you feed your enemies, it is like putting burning coals on their heads. Not sure what it means but sounds good. Any advice?

Hi MF.
I have the same problem. I gave the plan B letter to my W 11 days ago, and everyday she's either called me or came over. I don't know what to do, either. It makes it hard for me to do plan B when she won't leave me alone. Like you, we have kids, and it doesn't help that we're in the middle of baseball season for all 3 boys. Naturally, I'm going to see her at their games. But she goes beyond that and calls me or comes over to my house uninvited.

Let's wait for advice from others on this together, shall we?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MovingForward:
<strong>This is my second time I have tried Plan B and my H doesnt understand "NO CONTACT" He wants to be my friend. ....... I knew he worked all day, and was hungry, I BLEW IT, I told him to sit down and eat if he was hungry. He said he hadnt eaten all day. Afterwards, I felt bad that I couldnt keep firm. I know he is going through a hard time because his father is dying. When I feed him, I think of the bible verse that says if you feed your enemies, it is like putting burning coals on their heads. Not sure what it means but sounds good. Any advice?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi,
Your quote is from Rom 12:20 after speaking about how it is important to remain peceable with all men vs. 19 says vengance belongs to God, then vs 20 - 21: "But if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by doing this you will heap fiery coals upon his head. Do not let yoursel f be conquered by the evil but keep conquering the evil with the good."

I believe your answer is in vs 21. Your 'good deed' that you would do for even a stranger in need is like conquering the evil (A and it's associated attitudes) with the Good.

The associated reference scripture is in Proverbs 25:21-22 "If the one hating you is hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he is thristy, give him water to drink. For coals are what you are raking together upon his head, and God himself will reward you."

So the understanding is that when you are doing a good deed (not overboard but what you would do for a stranger), then this would be acceptable. Let's see so are you breaking plan B? Some might say yes, but I say no. See I fed my H when he came over. Now my H also knows that I would feed anyone who came over to our home. But if this became a habit or expected thing or if he started to get unreasonable or too picky, then he could lose that status as a guest in my home and not even make it past the front door. It is all up to you.

L.

MovingForward & TheJohnSmith,

Sorry to say this but if WAT was lurking he would say the same thing ... both of you are not ready with plan B ... why ? ... my 2¢: 1. your WS doesn't reject your plan A ... so plan A, plan A, plan A until WS rejected it. 2. you still have tons of feeling toward them ... you think your LB$ is very low, I think not. Let me know otherwise. I will read your profile & posts to verify.

Reread plan A & review your plan A.

-RH-

MovingForward ... I read your profile & posts. I still think you should stay in plan A a while longer. Remember being in plan A is for you to change not only for H but for you too. You change or fix the past mistakes or flaws in R ... also you should explore what you want and who you are. The new you should be the best of you, grow as an individual. If you still decide to go with plan B it is very tough specially with kids in the middle. You have to plan your plan B in detail. Change all door keys, make sure you are not even open door for H. Put caller ID and only selected call could ring your phone. Get third party or netural place to exchange kids ... w/o seeing each other. Even email you might want to let third party to screen it and recap only the "business" part to you. It depend on your situation but plan B needs a lot of planning, financially and logistically.

TheJohnSmith ... read the language of love ... try to figure out what is her interest and try to open her up. Try to find a way to use word picture to make her undertand your position and ask her what she would do. I know you are in a very hard place ... money problem could break a family but it made alot family stonger too. Your older kids could bounced back, keep telling them that you always be there for them. Consider this, you are already screwed financially and you kids already have a problem with her. IMVHO, I would not move to plan B but proceed with coustody. One got nothing to do with the other. Meanwhile plan A a bit longer and plan B after your coustody. If you still want to proceed w/ plan B, post your plan B and let other to review your plan. I wish we have ABC's of impementing plan B w/ kids.

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 03:13 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Hi, redhat-
Thanks for your opinion. I always welcome that. However, I have already moved into plan B. I gave her the letter 11 or 12 days ago. I am ready for plan B. I was in plan A for almost a year, and it got me nowhere, but lies, lies, lies. Since my letter, she has been showing signs of coming out of the fog. Plan B is what she needed to start waking up. It took a big slap in the face and the realization that I can't allow this A to continue if she wants to be w/ me. I have 2 threads if you care to read them. I don't know which one you read, but "any advice from anyone" is my first one, and "this is good... right?" is my more recent one. As a matter of fact, I just updated it today, so it's quite current.

redhat, I always appreciate others opinion on these issues. Although I may or may not agree with them, it helps me to get different perspectives from others, and helps me to make wiser decisions. I would very much to hear from you on my thread if you get a chance or care to comment.

Thanks Orchid for your insights, you are a wise woman and I enjoy your perspectives.

Hi John: I feel like you are in the same situation as me. I have done Plan A for over a year and I am just sick of it, I feel Plan B is the only solution especially for my healing and to move on with my life. My love for my H is down to nothing and is down to the point that I don't think I could take him back. I will keep persisting with Plan B until he gets it. I am with you, John, keep me posted...

Thanks REdHat: I hear you but I feel I am sooooooo ready to continue Plan B, I have done all the Plan A'ing I can do and he knows it. I realize now that I have to evaluate every day of Plan B and come up with new bounderies to ensure a complete Plan B. I would like it so that I don't have to even see his face if that is possible. Thanks for the advice....

See, Orchid... you are VERY loved here.

MovingForward,

Then you have to put the logistic in place. You have to make sure there is no contact. Even w/ the kids arrangement ... I set it up so that exchange of my 2 D happens in skating rink ... she dropped them there and I pick them up and vice versa. I do not want to see her face at all. Some loose end I will have to deal with it soon during our review of CC. There is perfect plan A & there is no blue print of it so does plan B ... we learn as we go and try what work for us. -RH-

Thanks everyone!
Last night my H called as he was supposed to drop the kids off. He asked if he could have them for the night, I said sure. Then he starts asking how my weekend was, did I watch the World Cup Soccer, did I have a party at the house. How do I cut him off without being rude? I answered a few of his questions to be polite, then said I have to go. He always portrays to me that his weekends were OK but not the best. I dont want to hear about his life. I also told the children that I wont ask any questions about what they did with their father but they could share if they wish to talk. My H keeps trying to be my friend and i told him I cant be his friend. He doesnt get it. The only way I think he will get it, is if I am a bit mean to him and say it with anger. Is that what I should do?

Hi..I think Plan B is going to work if there is NO contact. It is hard, I know, but I have arranged it so that we only communcit through the comp. No phone. When he comes to visit our 4 kids,(my oldest is 22 an my youngest is 5), I am gone when he gets here and I stay away all day. My daughter calls me with the all clear signal so I can come home. He hates it. He thinks that he should have a weekend family and have all of us do things together and then go back to the OW during the week. He wants to be friends so that he can keep up with the emotional needs that I still supply him. He cannot have the best of both worlds. What you need to do is try to limit more of your contact. Screen your calls and sendan e-mail instead. Good luck to us all.

Thanks Pookie:
My H wants to be friends also. He came for dinner the other night and he started to weep at the dinner table when my son started to sing a worship song. I am going away to my family for 3 weeks and when I come back I will try again the Plan B. Has been difficult because have had to do some paper work, etc. lately with my H. But I do see the necessity of this and believe it will work. Wishing you all the best also, Kim...