My WH and I have been separated (living with his mom) for about 2 months now. I have been Plan Aing with little to none LBs for about 4 weeks. When he calls every night to talk to the kids, we speak for a little while and I am happy and upbeat. I don't bring up anything about our relationship anymore. I don't push or pressure him to do anything at all. But I do tell him I love him each time and he knows he doesn't have to respond in kind, if he so chooses. I am also sending him a light and upbeat card each week that is simple in context. No relationship talk except to reminisce about our "happy" past.

Does anyone have any other creative, no pressure, love building plan A techniques I can use??

Broken Hearted,

Teach your kid to plan A ... make it as special time for what DAD gives. If H is calling at specific time ... prepared your kids before ... make sure they know it is dad time to call and it is a special time for "us".

Plan A'ng your kids to show you are capable to change if applicable. For instance if one of your H's complaint is about food ... learn how to make special meal for your kids ... they will tell dad about it w/o you tell them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Don't tell to your kid what to say or what to do ... they will say or do the darnest thing !!!, they will figure it out. Plan A is for you.

Good Luck -RH-

Dear BH:
One thing I did was read as much as I could about Marriages so I could find out where I went wrong. One good book was "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Then I would tell my H that I was reading a fantastic book, tell him a few things that I learned about myself and where I went wrong and how I would change. I never focused on what he did wrong. The first step is realizing what your weaknesses are, then where to grow. Since I was focusing on myself, my H would tell me more of what he didnt like about me. I am sure he loved that I was admitting all my mistakes and trying to make efforts to change.

ONe suggestion a man in the church told me was to be as beautiful looking when he comes to pick the kids as you can. Be a little bit sexy, it is OK as it is for your husband. Be as happy as you can be.

I was also told to say compliments to him and if he is doing nothing at the moment to be complimented, then go back to times in your past and tell him how you admired him when he did a certain thing. Talk about special times you had together and how you appreciated him so much. If he is a great father, tell him that. Lift him up on a pedestal if you can. If he feels he doesnt deserve to be on that pedestal, then he might feel encouraged to change.

They say if you keep telling a person how bad they are, then they become it, but if you praise them, then it could be the opposite. It is so true with a child. Just some suggestions...

You are on the right track...Kim...

Broken Hearted:
I really like your suggestions. I can't offer any ones now. I'm in the middle of all my anger. One thing I do is tell him I still love him and tell him I miss him. I let him ask me for lunch and dinner dates. These are so much fun. We never had as much fun as we do now. He moved out and lives with his girlffriend. the ow does nothing but LBing all the time. I can't tell you how much he complains about all the LBing. I look nice, smell nice-wear his special cologne that he loved and wear some sexy lingere when he come to get the kids..something that shows thru not too sexy..

let me know if you hear anything else positive to give them
Peace.

BH-
Movingforward has some good ideas. I think that the most imporatant part about plan A is making changes in YOU. Trying to change to identify the EN that were not being met in your M and showing your WS that you can meet those needs. And a part of those changes is just what MF said... making your physical appearance as attractive as you can whenever he sees you. I lost 30 lbs on the A diet plan, not that I was trying. But my W's friend told me how she noted how trim I was getting and how nice my behind looked. No, it wasn't enough for my W to end her A, but she did notice the changes that I was going through. I don't think she knew that I lost the weight because I was so stressed out I couldn't eat. I think that starting a workout plan is a good idea, not only to help you look fit, but mainly just to help get your mind off of things. I started going to the gym about 6 months ago, and it's helped me deal with stress. And, recently, my W commented that I look "great", which helps my self esteem.

I have one question for MF, though. Why should someone put their WS on a pedestal? They obviously don't deserve to be there, and maybe in a way that is telling them that the things they are doing are acceptable, even good. I don't think I agree with that one. Complimenting where it's due is one thing...

I'm also not so sure about wearing sexy lingerie when he comes to pick up the kids, like SS wrote. I mean, looking nice is important... you're showing the WS that you are, or can be, just as beautiful as the day you met, and that might make them think twice about some things. But looking like a sex kitten is not my advice. I don't think that you want your WS to look at you as an invitation for sex, unless that's what you want. From a man's point of view, men do have the ability to separate love from sex. I've thought that women view sex as a way to express their love to their H, not just be a physical act. I'm afraid that if sex is offered to the WS, it will be something that may be regreted later because it may not result in the hopeful expectations you may have intended. Like I said, if sex is what you expect, then that's fine. But hoping to "make love" to your H is probably going result in disappointment, maybe even hurt... and we BS don't need anymore of that.

Well there's my opinion. I hope they are helpful somewhat.

<small>[ July 07, 2002, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: thejohnsmith ]</small>

Dear John & BH:
I can understand your feelings about thinking that your spouse does not deserve to be on a pedestal, which I agree, but what I have noticed with people who commit adultry and walk out on their family is that they have a very low self-esteem. They take even constuctive loving criticism as an attack on their character. Therefore we must walk on eggshells when pointing out their faults at this stage, it is a form of LB even if it is true what we say. It is too painful for them to hear it when they are in the middle of it. So, I believe then the opposite of critism is praise & adoration. I think our purpose here is to learn about bettering ourselves first, growing stronger even through difficult times, and standing for our marriages which means doing what it takes to lift our spouses out of the fog so they can take the step into rebuilding the relationship which God has brought together. We cannot change our spouses but we sure can change ourselves.
Also, I don't think that complimenting our spouses for their beautiful qualities is saying that you accept their bad behaviour. I think after a good Plan A, then Plan B is a way of showing that you do not accept this bad behaviour but you originally married them for these beautiful qualities. Just my thought. Kim

can i ask something, i don't mean to sound negative but does this plan A actually work, because after i tried it a couple of times when talking to my H, he doesn't even call anymore, he probably thinks i've moved on, what do i do?

Nezi- I'm not sure if I understood you right, but Plan A is a continuous process. It is not just a one conversation thing. It is a time of change and renewal. I'm learning to focus on my changes/improvements but I am also trying to learn(guess most of the time) how to express love to my WH while still making him feel safe. For me, it involves forgiveness, understanding of the temptation, respect for him as the father to my kids (who love him dearly) and as a human being. Poor decisions and selfish actions got me into this mess.

So my plan has been to gather from comments flung my way during arguments on what he needs from me. I also gather this information on the needs others are meeting for him that he is happy with. I've concluded I can work on these needs and they can only improve me and my relationships in general.

For example, I know my angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments cause him much pain. And I'm probably correct in assuming they cause my children pain. So if I learn to control the explosion, how to say my feelings without DJ, and even try to understand the other's point of view, I've done well. So I come here every night and read about those who are doing this well.

I also know my WH appreciates a good cook and a clean, neat house. So I have enlisted help to teach me how to do these things better. If my WH is wise enough to keep me in his life, he and his kids will benefit. Otherwise my kids and eventually someone else who wants to love me will.

My WH also complained about SF was not creative enough. So I"m buying books online to study this and I hope I get the chance to shock the socks off of him!Any book suggestions??

I also don't believe we can relationship talk until the A is over. So until then, I say I am not ready. So this keeps us amicable around each other and does much to create a safe environment.

I have been effectively Plan Aing 5-6 weeks with just maybe 5 minute phone calls/day and if I'm lucky a 1 1/2 hour dinner with family and kids each week. (WH moved out) This has been small but significant contact. I don't think he dreads being around me anymore.

Here is the good part: he heard from his sister I was making all these improvements and I was looking good every time I saw him. He told me he wasn't sure he wanted a divorce. He was just confused. I said that's OK. Take your time. But remember I love you, I don't want divorce, and I don't want to go back to the way things were.

So I considered that a success. Granted, he may revert, but I have no control over that. I will continue with my improvements and as long as I do still love him, I will tell him that and give him small love tokens. I know for me to have a plan and be at peace with that plan is essential.

You need to read posts by "lostva". She did an awesome job plan Aing.

Good Luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ July 13, 2002, 12:18 AM: Message edited by: Broken Hearted ]</small>