First a brief background- I discovered about the A six weeks ago when my H was on a trip out of state and I received an anonymous email that he was having an A and with the OW. I called and confronted him and he admitted it. Of course I was completely devastated but willing to take him back if he broke it off and went to counseling (A had been going on for 7 months, OW is single, 20s and in his office). He agreed and came home, but at home I kept catching him in lies and deceptions of talking with and meeting the OW. I gave him a choice to cut off contact with the OW, really try in the marriage or move out. He chose to move out (2 weeks ago). It has been very sad to have him gone but I couldn't live with the alternative. Currently, he is living with a man from work, continuing to see the OW and coming to see our children regularly. My way of dealing with him has been unpredictable- sometimes I avoid contact, othertimes I call and cry. I had made it clear that the only way he could come home is to stop the A, miminal contact with the OW, and really try to work on the marriage.
We ended up having a really good conversation last week when he came to pick up the children, about our marital issues. That night, the whole family went out together and had a good time. I guess that night really made a difference to my H. Last night my H told me on the phone that he is moving "in a positive direction towards us", "starting to see some hope", "starting to see how he can resolve things with the OW" and misses his family. He even said he is considering moving home in a few weeks. I suddenly have hope but worry, too. I know he is still currently seeing the OW and I know he is still undecided. I'm afraid to get too hopeful than feel horrible again if he shifts his direction. H is coming over tonight so we can talk about marital issues and even look at some marriage type books and things. Any advice how to handle things tonight? I really do love him and want him to come home. Thank you.

keep trying?,

You are doing good, basically you have to state that you are willing to take him back if he ends the A w/ MB principal ... NC !!!. Let H know that continues A will not give you a chance in M and also will drained your love for him. It is his choice !!!. Then do nothing ... sit back and watch his action and not his word. Set no expectation or low expectation from H. No LB'ed just enjoy your day w/ H.

Good luck -RH-

Not sure if you posted this somewhere else and I missed it, but how did it go?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

An update:
I ended up telling my husband on Monday that I loved him and wanted my marriage to work but could not do it by myself. Unless he stopped the A and recommitted to work on our marital issues, I needed to start taking steps to protect myself and the children, because the daily experience was too painful. We then discussed, with the use of marital and infidelity books, several of our marital issues and how we might resolve them. I told him I had hope for a better, stronger marriage if he tried. I then told him a needed an answer in one week so I could make the decisions I needed to for myself and children. He agreed.
Here is the good news- he broke up with the OW the next day. He told me yesterday and we discussed it when he came over last night. He will continue to live out of the house for awhile (with a guy from work) but will move back in and we will resume marriage counseling and working on our issues. I am very happy but also still worried. He works in the same office with the OW and I know the temptation is great. The first time he attempted to break up with her, he was still secretly seeing her (right after I found out about the affair). I also can tell he is grieving the loss. Any advice on how to handle this time? Do I comfort him? Do I just keep letting him know I love him? I know I will focus on making the changes to show we can improve our marriage. Any other suggestions?

Hi, thanks for the update! It sounds very positive. Any chance H could leave his job to get away from the OW? My H agreed to look elsewhere as one OW works with him and it's very hard on me. I've never had to deal with WS withdrawels so I'm not sure how to suggest handling that. If you can, I guess supporting him as you would any grieving friend.

I wish you both all the best as you recover and rebuild!

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keep trying?,

Read SKM's Chronicle on recovery under my sig .. hope it helps you gain inside understanding. You did a good job and your H did the right thing. You have a chance to rebuild your M w/ a better one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . This is the time to let your H to read SAA & HNHN and introduce him to MB. If you see H is very remorse and sincere ... you might even bring him to read some of the post ... I like True Heart's post. God Bless you.

Free2BMe, ... Hi ... glad to see you posting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-RH-

Another update:
My WH has come home the last 2 nights (he's living with a male co-worker) since he broke off the A (on Tues this week) and we have spent family time together and talked. I have been very positive since the affair ended but I know it will be a difficult road ahead. I need some feedback on some things that my WH told me so I know how to handle myself as I should right now. My WH told me last night that his feelings for the OW have not diminished. He told me that he is not sure when he wants to move back home because he wants to get thoughts about the OW out of his system. He told me he is afraid he will hurt me again if he cannot get over her and that is one of the reasons he is reluctant to move home. I gave him a good MB article on the end of the A and tried to tell him it would be hard for a long while but then hopefully his feelings for the OW would diminish. He says he still wants to work on the marriage and is not going to contact the OW (although he sees her at work).

My questions are:

1) Is it better during this process to have him live at home or not? How long should he be out of the home for? (We do have 2 young children that might be confused by his moving in and out.)

2) He is telling me most of his thoughts now, which is great for honesty but painful to hear. Is it better he tell me or a counselor? (He has agreed to go back to marital counseling and even see an individual counselor.)

3) While he was in the A, he continually said that the problem was the marital issues. Now the A has ended, he says that he thinks we can work out the marital issues, but he's not sure he can get over the OW. How do I keep hope in this situation?

Thanks for your advice! I know I need patience in this situation.

I have no kids, so I don't feel right giving my 2cents on that question at all.

On H telling me versus a counselor, I want to hear what he has to say, painful though it may be, because it fits with radical honesty.

On his not being able to get past his feelings for the OW....this is just a guess, and please bear in mind that I am new at this, but....have you two done the EN questionaire? If you do that, maybe it will shed light on exactly which of his needs the OW was filling. I read someone say that the BS should then set about making his/herself EXPERT in filling the needs that the WS used the OP to fill. I would think that by doing so, you would really help your H get past the feelings for the OW much more quickly. As to keeping hope....well, if you are able to fill the need that the OP used to fill - and your H responds when YOU fill those needs - won't that bring a LOT of hope that you two CAN save the marriage?

I think it would be easier for you to fill his needs if he was living home, but I agree that the kids would get confused with the in and out moving.

I'm sure he still has feelings where the OW is concerned, but with counseling and meeting his needs it's possible those will diminish in time.

Has he told you what the marital problems were in the marriage to allow the A to happen? What can you do on your part to change the state of the marriage?

I wish you the best as you recover and rebuild!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Another update with bad news:
My WH saw our marital counselor by himself tonight and then came to our home because we were supposed to go on a date. I asked if he had set up our counseling session as we had planned for the both of us this weekend. He said no, the counselor didn't think it was a good idea. Then my WH told me why- which was the most horrible thing to hear in my life. He said that he was still in total love with the OW and thought about her constantly. He said it was a "special" love and that they had this connection that he never had with me (we have been together 17 years, married 12). He said his head told him to try to work out the marriage but his heart told him not to. He said he was confused and needed some time to think about things. He also said he wasn't sure if he would be seeing the OW again during this time. (I found out he had spoken with the OW only hours before going to the counselor-breaking his no contact agreement).

I am again, emotionally devastated. He had broken up with the OW only 1 week ago to give our marriage a fair try. Only again he did not try. He made lame excuses about wanting to but was unable to last even a week (and he was gone for 4 days of it) I cannot continue as I have been. I have been working on filling all of his EN from D day. Now it is time for me to fill my needs. I do not need to be sitting around worrying about him while he most likely starts up the affair again. Even if he is by himself, how will I know or believe him ever again, he has deceived me so many times. I will be seeing my individual counselor tomorrow morning to get some guidance, but I plan on stop all contact with him except for regarding the children. Any other suggestions on how I go on with my life now? My WH admits I gave a 100% effort towards him and the marriage and it wasn't enough to change his mind. I cannot let him hurt me like this again.

I am sorry you are going through this. If you click on my profile you can read my story. My WH said a lot of the same things. The best advice I recieved was to not pursue, let them make their mistakes and be strong and happy when they see you. My WH lived with OW for a month before reality set in.
He has been home 2 months and we are doing good. Only problem is her contacting him at work occassionaly-but he has dealt with that very well. I wish you luck. Keep reading posts. I received great advice here.

<small>[ July 17, 2002, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: keeping faith ]</small>