I did a lot of thinking and talking to a lot of people over the long weekend. I am beginning to feel within myself that I may want to walk away because I haven't gotten treated like I believe I should have by my wife(WS) in a very long time. The things she has done in regards to the otherman, lies, etc has left some major damage on me. I am not sure if I can ever regain what we did have between us. It would take my wife having to do a 180 in her life and I believe she would never do that. She would never be willing to give up for example two of her friends who hit the otherman from me. Those kind of things she would never budge on and by her not willing to do that I feel it wouldn't be all about me and our marriage. When I think of what I believe it would take for her to do for myself inorder for the marriage to really work I just don't see it happening.
Is feeling this wrong? Should I feel guilty that I am beginning to feel that I should walk away? I don't think my wife(WS) has treated me in the past year like I believe I should of been treated? I will always love my wife but I just don't know if what we once had would ever be there again. One of the hardest parts would be the trust level as well as the intimacy. So many people have been telling me for the past several months that I deserve so much better and I am finally to that point that I believe that. With believing that I feel guilty in some ways and I don't understand why.
I need advice if this is ok if I want to walk away in the end?

confused_guy,

You are not walking away ... you are moving on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . You are moving on w/ or w/o your W even we know you prefer still w/ your W. However, it is not possible ... pain is given misery is optional.

Stay put on plan B, stay strong knowing that at the end we are free to choose. Plan B is not forever .. you set a time limit and excute it. If she is not filing, you could file Dv it is your choice. Just remember that MB doesn't want us to file first.

-RH-

Redhat...

You mentioned "Just remember that MB doesn't want us to file first." I feel I did the best Plan A that I could considering that was the first time in my life I had to Plan A. I feel as if my Plan A took so much out of me that picking a long deadline for Plan B will just make things even harder on me. I guess what I am asking is what happens if I pick say three months for Plan B. What happens within that time there is nothing changed on my wife's(WS) behalf. Do I just keep living this way or do I eventually change the pace of the dance? Also not having done Plan B before what is a realistic time frame that is fair to myself and to our marriage? Are we talking months? A year? etc...
With all that has gone on a year is about to go by since I first found out about the otherman and all.
When do I make that decision what is best for me? It has been all about my wife and her cake eating to this point. Plan B is going to show my wife and me if we were ment to be or not.

By your original post, it sounds like you listened to other people too much and not yourself. This is a decision that YOU have to make, not your friends or your family to make for you. I have one rule with my new room mates and my family, no one is allowed to bad talk my H! I will not tolerate it, because I know I need to do what is right for ME, not what my friends or family feels is right for me.

That is just my 2 cents worth!

Confused guy, Your W. sounds so much like my H. He has been having his A. for over a yr. They became friends on the internet and then it became "love" and then became physical, even tho she is 800 miles away. He has not treated me the way he should either, and I am having alot of doubts about whether to try anymore. I haven't given him a plan b letter yet. We saw each other over the weekend after I had said to myself I didn't want contact with him, just too painful. He was nice and gave me some compliments, we went out on Sun night and he acted weird again, and then when I called him on the phone about some business, he just acted abrupt and unfriendly. I let myself get sucked in and then BOOM, Down I go again! He also didn't go to his counselor last week so will have to pay the whole amt. so now he says he'll wait to go for awhile. Just about everyone that knows me says I deserve better also, so why do I keep hanging on? I'm so tired of living with this pain and he just doesn't have a clue as to how he hurt me. i think he's in the fog worse now than ever before. It'll be interesting to hear what goes on with you and your W., there are so many similarities in our situations. Sometimes I think he just likes to know I'm around for a little security when he needs it and then ignores me the rest of the time. I don't want to give up, but when do you draw the line? How do know it's time to say goodbye forever?

confused_guy & day by Day,

dear freinds, we do not want to file first just make sure that we could be at peace w/ ourself and we don't give up too early ... there are many instance SH told MB'er to file. We are threading in a very narrow line and we are no expert here, we just try to share our experiences and hope someone will benefit from it.

Plan A is for you ... now plan B is also for you. For you to protect whatever love you have left for SO. It is not to get even or to get your WS back. WS has to come back on their own and no interference from you. Now it is also for you to wait until you are sure that you have to move on. The decision is yours. You are the one that have to live with it. This is my 2¢. When I have to make life altering decision is I will sit down and imagine 10 years later looking back ... knowing what I know now would I make the same decision ?. We are share your pain and even you are not christian ... kneel down and pry and ask for HIS guidance. Know that we all HIS children. God Bless you. -RH-

Redhat..
You are right that Plan A and B is for me. It has taken me a very long to realize that but I do see that now. The part that I am strugling with is the aspect that I feel I need to point my feet in one direction and start going that way. I just feel for almost the past eight months that I have been just going in circles. I am not saying if I choose to move on so to speak that I am going to get a divorce tomorrow. I just feel at this point after so long I need to choose some direction and start heading that way. It might be a long journey and I may change course but I just feel that I need this.
I need to make some changes in my life so maybe if my wife chooses to work on it or not that I am ready for that. I don't want to feel like I am a puppy dog and I am just waiting and waiting. Because the fact is that may or may not ever happen. For the past seven months I have put fourth what is best for the relationship 100%. I didn't purse anything for me and I was always trying for the relationship and to make things better. I have watched my wife eat her cake for that entire period that I was trying. Now I want to point my feet in some direction and start that journey. At this point I want to start doing some things for me. I want to sell the house so I am not living close to the inlaws as well it will help me out from not being in the house that "we" shared. Also I want to spend more time with family and friends. I feel guilty when I am out doing things with people because I think oh I shouldn't be doing this I am married. But at the same time it is if I am not married.
Is this wrong to feel I am tired of going in circles and I sort of need to start going in some direction? When I take a step back and think how hard the past seven almost eight months have been on me I need to start doing some things for me. I want to start making myself feel better.

confused_guy,

We feel that way and hang in there and be strong. Focus on what you want out of this that is under your control... and work on it. We will arrive at the destination be that Dv or working on M however the most important thing is the journey. What are you learn ? ... could you say that you are a better person than before A ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hang in tough -RH-

Redhat...

Thanks for the advice I really do appreciate it as well as others for their support. I believe I have learned a lot in this. I don't want to come off the wrong way but I believe this has made me a better person. If that is my wife or some other person down the road that is going to be with me they are going to get a lot better person now then I was just a year ago. And I was even a good person back then but even better person now. The journey is going to be hard and my feet might hurt a lot. But I know I have to set forth on that journey.

confused_guy,

Then proceed and don't look back. Yes, we know this will end and the door w/ our WW is closed now but remember don't lock this door. We both know we don't don't want our WW back, we want our W back and working on & seek a fullfiling M. We both know how it should be ... end A, NC, monitoring & bounderies to be in place and implementing 4 rules of recovery (better known as 4 gifts of love). Until this is in place, there is no chance of M for us. No one will fault us and we could walk out many months ago yet we give our best shot. My deadline will be when we are finalizing our Dv. IMHO, wait a while but when it is closer to your deadline, seek a lawyer and end this misery. -RH-

At times, one have to forget about your spouse, people here and most of the material you can read will tell you so too, and its true.

Sit back, try to relax, think about things, take a load off... Figure out what YOU want, what YOU need, what YOU expect.. then..tell your spouse.. They will either respect all that, or they wont.

If they dont, you have the decision to make, wether to put up with it or not.

I guess, it sort of shows that you really do love your spouse, when you realize that sometimes, you can or can't work things out, and in order to stop you from hating them, you need a break.

But, also, do yourself a favour, and stop listening to people telling you you deserve more etc, that you're a fool for putting up with it..

Distance yourself from such friends/people, because they just want to run your life anyway..

YOU need to think about it, NOT your friends.. I just urge everyone who goes through this to REALLY think about everything, calmly, go on vacation by yourself if you have to, beacuse, your decision will affect the rest of your life..

ConfusedGuy,

I will Harley himself says. If his W cheated he would divorce her. The children are grown and he wouldn't mess around. Why am I telling you this? Because it seems some things have gotten a little twisted in your thinking. MB does not say that you shouldn't file first. What MB says is that you should never file if you really want to stay married. That there is a way to attempt to rebuild your marriage.

However, the first question asked and that should be asked is "Do you want to save the marriage?" If yes, then MB can help, if no, then move on.

The point is if you are ready to move on, which is indeed one logical outcome of the Plan A Plan B approach, then YOU should indeed file and move on. The only question to be asked is are YOU ready to be divorced, because if aren't you will end up divorced anyway. Your WW is NOT going to fight to keep you in the marriage.

So the point of this is that MB encourages you to not file if you don't want a divorce, but when you are ready and you feel you have given all you can, then your should indeed move on.

You don't have children to consider and your marriage is young. It is entirely up to you, because there are few complicating factors here.

It is a hard decision, and one that you are correct to give a lot of thought to, but really no one here, no friends, not even your WW can make this decision or know your heart well enough.

Sleep on this and see how you feel next week.

God Bless,

JL

Confused Guy,
Your asking questions that only you can answer. When your ready to stop your own sick cycle carousel you will. "The definition of insanity is repeating the same process and expecting a different result." If what you have been doing is not working then stop. I planned A for two years. I survived multiple affairs during that time. I survived multiple false recoveries. Enough was enough. My wife ate so much cake she should be over 400lbs. Accept your reality for what it is. Your wife believes she does not want to be married to you. Like it or not that is your reality, you can't change it, only how you react to it. That is how she felt and you let her walk through the door to freedom. Your gift of love to her. This is very difficult to do, but you really did not have a choice. If you want a real end to the cycle, you have to change the dynamics.

I made my wife move out in March. Every day it gets a little easier. She is now free to live her life the way she chooses. The sick cycle has stopped because I would not allow it to continue. Commitment or divorce were her choices. She now has the papers in her hand, the choice is hers. It's the last gift of love I can give her, her freedom.

Make a list of things you want to do and do them. I have two kids so I focused on making things as normal as possible. Just tonight My 9 year old son said," Dad, this divorce thing isn't so bad. Our house is a lot happier now." As shock as I was to hear this, he is right. The stress has left the house, she has her own place now.

Like most, it would take my wife to do a complete 180 for me to even consider reconciliation. I don't think she ever will, but the door is cracked until our divorce becomes final, just in case. Then and only then can I say I've done everything possible to save my marriage. My family will be happy regardless of my wifes choice. Either we will have a true recovery or we will be free of her painful choices. Either way we win.

The choice is yours and your alone. Only you know when enough is enough. If you have done everyting possible you will feel no guilt, only peace.

take care,
Craig

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 09:33 PM: Message edited by: Raysofhope ]</small>