Hi
I am brand new to this forum, but not new to this websight. I strongly believe in the principles discussed by Dr. Harley and I need some advice on what to do with my situation.
I found out 3 months ago that my H of seven years has had 4 affairs throughout that time. The first three were short lived (less that a month), but this last one has been going on for over a year. I found out about all of them the night I confronted him with the elicit e-mails from his office manager. We have been trying to work on us since that night. I found MB about two months ago. I told my H about the NO CONTACT rule, but the problem is that he is her boss and he was afaid of a sexual harrassment suit. So I have been putting up with minimal business contact each day for 3 months. My H has now decided to start his own company in UT (which is 2500 miles away) on Sept. 1. He wants me to go with him, but live seperate for 3 months after we get there. He wants to see if the "romantic feelings" return. And we are really good friends now, and we have been practicing complete honesty. That's how come I can tell you that eventhough he has stopped the physical part of the A, he still has romantic feelings for OW. He says he wants to make our marriage work for our daughter, she is 7. But will not make a firm commitment to working on our marriage because we had a rough seven years before this. And I know that I was a lot of the problem, but we are both so much more in tune with each other now that I really think we have a chance. I may just be fooling myself, but I need to decide if I want to go with him within the next week or two. This would mean leaving a job I love, and trying to start a new career and the live life of a single mom. I have been searching for employment for about 3 weeks now, but have not had much response. I just don't know what to do!!!!! Please help.

I am a bit tipsy tonight, but I think I might be able to say something that could help you, I hope!

Your husband sounds alot like my wife, who have had 3 affairs in 6 years, and as it turns out, it was never really because OUR marriage was bad, but because she had immense personal problems she managed to hide for along time from me, and her solution was finding other people to make her feel good about herself, despite her problems, which she never told THEM about.

Saying though, that he want's to make things work for your daughters sake alone, is that really a healthy sounding thing? It sounds like he loves what he has with you, the comfort of family, and daughter, but at the same time, he thinks he deserves more, with other people.

Two weeks for you to decide, if its still going on, that might not be enough time for you, or him.

I would like to point out a few things I've learned about this, and it seems that when people are having affairs, the bodily rush has ALOT to do with it, and it takes time for anyone who's had a affair to settle down, and not let the hormones/adrenalin etc run things..

Your husband also sounds like a confrontational coward really.. but.. thats always hard to say.. =p

Naturarly, you not being able to find a new job, he will probarly use against you, or so, most often, people who have affairs do use anything they can against you.

You can't worry too much about it though, thats the sad part, just try your best at it!

Mmm.. read around on the website, read a few books suggested around here, tons of posts have really nice input, and some books are actually good when it comes to you helping yourself!

Thank-you for taking the time at 4 AM to reply. I was up until 5 AM myself. I do think that you are right in that my husband is an confrontational coward. I guess I just feel like I am at the point where if he can not make a firm comittment to our marriage then I don't know if I want to keep trying. I love him so much and I wish I would have seen some of the things I did to detriment our marriage earlier. It seems like there maybe too much water under the bridge.

The problem with finding a job is that UT is not hiring teachers and so I would have to start a whole new career path outside of teaching. I was so excited for the upcoming school year. It would have been the first time I would be in the same school, teaching the same subjects. (We have moved five times in the last six years with my H moving up in the company.) It's like eventhough my family is all in UT, I would feel more stable staying in TX because of my job and my friends that I have made here. That is if I am going to go through a D.

I know that we can not start the recovery process until he stops seeing her. This will happen when we move in Sept. But I don't know if my emotions can wait that long. I think I have been patient and understanding about him working with and seeing her, but there comes a time when you say "No more", right? Did I mention that she was a friend of both of us. That she has stayed at my house numerous times after parties so she would not drive home drunk. It hurts so much right now. And I am trying to deal with the anger and betrayal, but there are times I just want to SCREAM!!!

We have worked so hard the last three weeks to get our house ready to sell. It hasn't been "fun", but we have had such a good time together. He keeps telling me that we are best friends and I do agree with that, but he does not want to stay in this marriage if he does not feel what he calls those "romantic feelings". I just have hope that once we are away from her, these can come back to him. I guess I am questioning whether or not he WANTS them to come back. Maybe he has found love with her and I can not make him happy. Is it selfish of me to deny him of the feelings he has for her?

I am still in a rutt today. I read forever last night and seeing that I was ready to call it quits when I logged on and by morning asked him what he thought about us living TOGETHER in Ut, I guess I still have some hope in me left. I guess I just wanted someone's advice that was also going through this. Any input would be appreciated. =)

Hi!
I am very anxious about my counseling appointment today, so I just wanted to know if anyone had advice to my last post. Please help!

PQ

Hi and welcome to MB,

You are in a double doozie stressful situation. Selling one's home, relocating, job hunting plus the A are by themselves major stress builders. So we need to get you back up on your feet.

How did your IC session go? I have a 7 year old also and they are sure inquisitive.
Make sure your little one knows you still love her. She is probably very aware something stinks. Don't lie to her. She can become your allie and help get across to your H in ways you can't.

Read the basic concepts section and learn about plan A and plan B. If your H is willing to give up the A, good. The fact that he wants to live separate is not good. He may be babbling for a while.

TAke the emotional needs questionnaire and post back your thoughts.

L.

My counseling session went horrible! I went there to ask my H for some sort of commitment to our marriage, meaning no contact with all OW ( my H has had 4 affairs). He said he did not know if he could do that. He rambled on about making sure the business was okay, and that he may get consultaion pay for it, blah blah blah. Then I asked a very dumb question and that was: "So you care about these other women more than you care about our family and me?" He told me that he has been very upfront about his feelings for me. He said he loves me like a friend and nothing more, but as for Lea(OW) he had stronger feelings. I lost it!!! It was like I FINALLY heard what he has been saying for three months! Now I know why everyone, including my therapist thinks that I should walk away! I tried to control myself and after a few minutes of him barking at me about why does this upset you, I've told you that a thousand times... I got up and said , "I can't do this anymore." And I left. I know that I am very long winded so I will try to condense the rest. I was not rational, all I wanted was for the pain to go away. I went home, got a bottle of sleeping pills and drove to a dead end in the next neighborhood. I screamed and cried for about a half an hour, meanwhile my H is calling my cell phone every minute. I wasn't answering. Then I checked my messages on my phone, just to see was the ba$$$rd had to say. The message he left said, "Do you know what's worse than the pain you are going through? Not knowing if someone you love is okay or if they are going to hurt themselves! CALL ME!" And for some reason I did. We talked for awhile, I think I screamed more than anything, and then he convinced me to come home. He tried to hold me, but I wouldn't and really COULDN'T let him. We slept for an hour or so, then he came up to me, woke me up with a kiss on the cheek and said that he will make the commitment to our marriage, he still has a multitude of doubts, but come to Utah and let's try us without any distractions (meaning OW). And I said okay. Now it has been two days since then. Do I believe that he is willing to do the requirements I asked of him, yes. Does he WANT to make our marriage work, no. But I guess I figure, I have always wanted to move back home to Utah to raise my daughter. Eventhough it will be more stressful than staying here alone, atleast marriage has a glimmer of hope if I go. So I am writing my letter of resignation tonight. Can you tell I can't sleep. My H has gone to Missori with our good friends who know all about this and their children until Monday night. It will be interesting to see what he is like when he comes back. Our friends both want us to work everything out. I hope they are a good influence on him!!

As for me... The headshrinker wants to see me tomorrow. Then I am taking my D to see Scooby Doo. She and I are going to have a great time while the stress level is lowered a bit! We already made peanut butter choc. chip cookies for dinner toinght! I am such a BAD Mom!!! My mood is back to descent and for right now, I'll take it! Thanks for listening! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I thought no one wanted to talk to me unless they were drunk! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Please give an advice or thought you may have, even if your a little intoxicated!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

PQ

P.S. My H and I have already done the EN questionaires. The most surprising thing about his was that family committment was his #1 need. So I asked him are you sure that if only one need could be met, that this is the one you would choose? He then changed it to sexual fulfillment, which is what I figured. Also, is it bad that our sexlife is now AMAZING!? I mean whoa, I have not wanted or desired sex and him like I have for the last three months!

Also, I am using somewhat of a plan A now, but will use a much stricter one after we move and he doesn't work with her anymore. My plan A now is no contact thru e-mail, no conversation other than business (our good friend helps us with that by keeping them seperate), no phone calls only radio if necessary (this is so all can hear their conversation).

Sorry about the P.S. but I realized that I only answered one of your questions.

just a bump to get some responses.

PQ - How did it go when your husband got back from his trip?

Hi!
I am currently struggling! His flight was delayed 3 1/2 hours, so I picked him up at 1 AM. He came running up hugged and kissed our daughter, looked at me a put his bag in the trunk. Then we got home and he was all "Hey, Baby..." Then the next morning, he goes to leave for work, finds our daughter, give her a big kiss, then walks past me and says "Bye." I know that I shouldn't expect much, but it still hurts when all I'm go for is SEX.

I also found an e-mail from him to her saying, "I'm in love with you (insert her FULL name here)." I wasn't going to tell him about it, but I broke today. I just wanted to know if there is anything else I need to know about or if anything else is going on. He says no, but he also can't tell me WHY he sent it. Like what makes you suddenly feel the urge to say that, if no conversations are taking place??? He told me that he "can't remember the circumstances". I wish I had a selective memory like that!!! He also said that he has been wanting to tell her that for awhile now and talk to her as well. Evenmore reason to REMEMBER why you finally sent it!!!! I hope that I am wrong, but my gut is telling me something is not right in Smallville! I guess I am just feeling like, damnit you just HAD to tell her this after saying a month before that, to move on there is nothing here???

We still have to definite plan for our move to UT. I gave my resignation letter on Monday, and I just keep thinking is he trying to make me not want to go? Cause if he is, he is doing a great job!

I guess I gotta stop this, I can't stop crying right now, and I need to go. Sorry this was so long!