Hello, I am new to this forum. I found the MB site about 2 weeks ago after my SO told me he had to leave to "figure out what he wanted".

Here is our background:
I am 31, he is 34. We are unmarried, but have been in a committed relationship for 10 years. We have lived together for the last 5 of those years. For the past 9 years, we have been seemingly very happy...good communication, best friends as well as lovers, meeting each others emotional needs.

The past year, however, we have simply drifted apart. Looking back I am not sure why...but at some point, both of us just stopped making an effort. Over the past 8 months, we have stopped communicating about our feelings for each other, stopped having sex, and dont even try to be affectionate.

3 weeks ago...he told me he was miserable in our relationship and had reached the point of not wanting to even try to work at it all anymore. We had a good discussion about what was missing and I began what I suppose would be called a Plan A. I have been attempting to meet his ENs and no LBs.

It was also then, however, I began to suspect he was seeing someone else. He has always been a very honest person...leaving his life an open book to me...I have all his personal info, cell phn vmail passwords, email passwords, etc. Then 2 weeks ago he changed his cell phone pin. He started going out for drinks with "work friends" several times that week. One Sunday morning he told me he had to work, but my uncle saw him at Denny's with another women. He has also started to work out religiously...several hours a nite.

It was then I started to snoop...he is not good at hiding much of anything, so I quickly found credit card receipts to places he would normally never go, numbers on the cell phone bill that I did not recognize, etc.

2 weeks ago on Tuesday nite, he was very ansy...pacing around the house. He then reminded me I had rental movies to return and I should go do it now before they were late. My gut told me he wanted me out of the house...sure enough when i got home I checked his cell phone and 2 minutes after he left he had made a call to a girl who works for him.

I then asked him why he was so miserable and didnt want to try to work on our relationship...if it was becuz he wanted to see someone else. He denied he was seeing anyone, but admitted that he had thoughts of doing this and wanted to pursue it.

He has always told me he didnt see the point in cheating on someone...if he wanted to cheat, he would just break off the current realationship becuz it must be dead if he wanted to cheat.

I didnt confront him on the evidence I had found becuz I found it by snooping and know that would have driven him away totally. Instead, I have been simply trying to meet his ENs and look into myself and why I have withdrawn from him over the last year.

Then last friday nite we were lying in bed and he started crying...saying he couldnt do this anymore and had to leave. He told me he is depressed and confused, and isnt sure he loves me anymore. He doesnt like what his life has become. I was so upset I left the house and spent the night at a friends. The next he had gone fishing with a friend all day...and I broke into his laptop and found documents of Instant Message conversations he had saved off between he and a girl that works for him that is 11 years his junior. It was obvious from the postings that he was already embarking on a relationship with this girl...that there was some sort of physical contact and on one message he told her that he never believed in the fairy tale of finding that ONE person until now and she was it.

I was heartbroken, of course, but again did not confront him since I found the info by snooping.

Since then, he has been looking for apts, we have discussed rationally how to handle selling our house splitting up things we own in common etc.

I have told him repeatedly that I still love him and want to work things out...have been doing my best to not LB. We havent even argued at all..everything is very calm and rational.

He has been coming home at nite as usual..eating dinner with me, etc. Then on Friday nite, he did not come home until 3am. We talked on Sat and he has changed it tune from "needing space to figure out how he feels about us" to wanting out and not wanting to date me anymore. He told me he thinks of me like sister now.

He is completely in withdrawl..will not go to counseling, will not admit his affair, tells me he wants us to be friends but does not want to even think about reconciling.

I am so confused...I know that I need to keep working on Plan A...but dont know if I am doing it correctly when he has totally shut the door on our relationship being anything other than friends.

I am trying to work on my own issues and taking strides to do things to make myself happy. I havent been happy with myself for along time and know this is a root cause of not being able to be happy with him.

I dont know how to Plan A with someone who doesnt want to try at all...is it time for plan B?

I could use some advice/thoughts/ideas.

Thanks

Dear wontgiveup,
I certainly don't have answers for you, but was touched by the similarities of our stories. I, too, am struggling with someone who won't admit his A. (see my posting "I'm struggling). Other than this site, one of the other resources that has been helpful to me has been www.dearpeggy.com.
She has some helpful articles in dealing with confronting your significant other about his A.
I am coming to believe that you can't control the other's behavior and just have to work on making you happy-but that is easier said than done.

Dear Wontgiveup,

I am also very surprised by the similarity of our situations. My H did admit his A, but doesn't know if he loves me anymore and is fencesitting on whether or not he even wants to try. But like your SO, he is still here. And I think that as long as he is still with you, you should con't to do what you have been doing. I know how hard it is to give love and not have it returned. And how the LB want to come out and you have to control them. But all you can do is control YOUR actions and work towards getting enough love units back to have him want to restore the relationship. I do think that you should confront him with the e-mails. I know that for me, this was the first time my H was really honest with me about how he was feeling. He was seeing his office manager for over a year. And I suspected something, but when I asked he told me I was crazy and lacked self-confidence which was influencing my irrational fears. Well I did my snooping as well and found 37 explict e-mails sent back and forth between them. I guess what I am trying to say thru all of my babbling is you have to keep trying until YOU feel like you can not anymore. No one else knows when that is except you. And it SUCKS that no one can help you make that decision, but good luck and keep in touch!

PQ

Married: 7 yrs
Together: 8 yrs
One Daughter: 7 yrs. old
D-day 4/26/02

Still works w/OW every day, we are getting ready to sell our house and move 2500 miles away from all this. Yet he doesn't think we have a chance.

Hi MB Friends!
I am also going through the very same problems as you girl's! I do try to make myself happy by doing the things I have not done in so long and it does help! I am not as lucky as you are as my H left in May and only has come out and mowed! I live on 5 acres and have a bad right arm with surgery pending soon. No kids, no friends and not working now. So it has been really hard for me. Almost made me crazy! I do cry lots, get made at me, stay up half the night and come on here for solitude! Thank God for my faith and my Van! I also have snooped and soon to get all the answers I need to begin again. My H is being evasive and not honest - you just know those gut feelings! Well I came on to write to you as there is a way to find names and addresses from any phone number and here it is! http://www.reversephonedirectory.com/! Hope this helps all of you as sometimes we are lost and need alittle extra help! God Bless all of you and just keep up the faith - God knows all!

can <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> e-mail me if you want to
desmee@aol.com

You say he won't admit to his A, have you confonted him with the evidence you have? If not, then consider doing so. The fact that you know for sure and have proof just might help him to admit to it. Just a thought.
I'm sorry your dealing with all this. I wish I had advice but I don't. All I can offer is prayer and please know I've prayed for you and will continue to do so.
Hang in there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Sounds familiar.

First, do Plan-A for YOU. Decide in your mind that you are not trying to 'win him back' with Plan-A. Once you have truly decided that, you will discover that his words or actions (or inactions) won't hurt you anymore. It works. I literally felt like my W's hurtful words were hitting an invisible wall after I realized this. She was talking and it felt as though she was talking about someone else. I wasn't that hurt little person who got cheated on, anymore. And she has noticed.

Also know that his current A with OW will not last. Keep in mind it was formed out of him being in the 'fog' (read about it on this site). They are both getting damaged goods.

Hang in there and do Plan A for yourself. It will show him (and restore in your self-knowledge) that you have taken control of the situation because you can, and that you are someone who doesn't let one thing make everything else fall apart.

It's not a pep-talk. It works because it's proof. Plan-A allows you to see and prove the truth about yourself: E.g., you are capable, you are strong, you have worth, and therefor you are desirable, -you can do it.

Sounds familiar.

First, do Plan-A for YOU. Decide in your mind that you are not trying to 'win him back' with Plan-A. Once you have truly decided that, you will discover that his words or actions (or inactions) won't hurt you anymore. It works. I literally felt like my W's hurtful words were hitting an invisible wall after I realized this. She was talking and it felt as though she was talking about someone else. I wasn't that hurt little person who got cheated on, anymore. And she has noticed.

Also know that his current A with OW will not last. Keep in mind it was formed out of him being in the 'fog' (read about it on this site). They are both getting damaged goods.

Hang in there and do Plan A for yourself. It will show him (and restore in your self-knowledge) that you have taken control of the situation because you can, and that you are someone who doesn't let one thing make everything else fall apart.

It's not a pep-talk. It works because it's proof. Plan-A allows you to see and prove the truth about yourself: E.g., you are capable, you are strong, you have worth, and therefor you are desirable, -you can do it.

All,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement...yesterday when i posted this I was at a new all time low.

I have been slowing reading thru the posts and articles on Dr Harleys site and have ordered his books so I am beginning to gather better information on this horrible subject.

I am amazed at how many of us have the same story...and how my SO's habits right now match almost everything the Harley's describe...it is so uncanny.

I am really struggling with confronting SO about his A...I know that it will be a huge LB for him due to him growing up in a family where his father snooped in every aspect of his life. He never had privacy as a child/teenager. I dont want him to feel that our house has become like where he grew up. Plus, I am coming out of my own fog of denial and realizing one of the problems with us has been I have come to fear and reject confrontation of any kind. I know I need to work on this.

PQ, I like your word "fencesitting"...that is exactly what he seems to be doing. We have a house and live where home prices have been going up pretty quickly...but last year we took out almost all the equity in our home and reinvested most of it back into the home (finishing the bsmt, landscaping, etc). We also paid off our truck and his car and a bunch of his credit cards. Now, if we sell the house...we'll be lucky to break even.

After looking at apts all weekend long, he is now realizing that he isnt going to find anywhere as nice as he has it at home for less money. He mentioned that maybe he will just stay home for a while until he can save some extra money or we can sell it. Its like he wants to go to have his "space" but just cant make up his mind and actually do it.

I am wondering if I should let him stay...on one hand I feel better having him here and giving me access to Plan A. Last night we spent the evening together and it was actually fun and comfortable...no tension until it was time for bed and I headed off to the bedroom and he headed off to his air mattress in the Den.

On the other hand...I am not sure I can handle knowing he is living with me and seeing someone else. I have found myself obsessing at times about if he is with her if he is not at home with me...I catch myself doing it and feel like a total nutbag.

I am just so confused all the time now...I feel like I am living in some bad TV show that is a cross between Melrose Place and Invastion of the Body Snatchers!! He is doing so many irrational, risky things...so unlike him.

I just found out this morning that the OW is leaving his company in a week...I think this will give them a green light to bring their A out of the closet since she wont be working for him any longer. I am not sure if this is good or bad.

pb511 I agree with you that I need to work on making ME happy. It is easier said than done, but I am taking steps to do it. I have come to the realization that in the past 10 years I have lost my own identity...it is totally wrapped up in SO. Perhaps that is why I have been working like a fiend for the past year...50+ hours a week is an escape and a place where my identity is based soley on my own merits?

Sooo, for my own part of Plan A, I have hired a personal trainer (which I probably cant afford right now but what the hell I am WORTH it) and started working out again...13 lbs have melted off in 3 weeks. Thanks to the "Love of my Life is Leaving me" Diet..I could make a million if I could figure out a way to put this into a pill.

I am searching for a counselor to go to alone...I have seen one so far but after she spent half an hour telling me that the reason this is happening is becuz I have been living in sin with this man for 5 years and God is giving me a sign to make it stop and return to Him, I decided I should find someone else who is a tad less judgmental.

Anyway, thank you all for responding and for your prayers. Although I have a close family to talk to...somethings I just dont want to tell my parents! This BB is so helpful just to vent and hear that others are going thru the same thing.

Take Care

Dear won't give up-
I think you are doing all the right things for now!
I've lost 30 lbs over my H's A and altho' it's not my 1st choice weight loss plan- it has been a positive for me thing thru all of this.(Although he said to me recently, "You look great, but it does nothing for me!)
I've found that a personal trainer has been helpful- not only does it help your body, it does wonders for the stress! The expense may just be a short term thing!
It seems like there are a few of us with similar situations- does anyone know how we can all get together-ie "new topic" or whatever? I'm not very computer literate.

I am still amazed as I read other people's stories at the uncanny likeness of them all. I feel like I am a douplicate character in the same story with just a different title. I too find myself obsessing about whether he is thinking about her all day, or when he is with me. I wonder if he compares her to me, and what his conclusions are. His new thing yesterday was that we was not having troulbe deciding between us, it was deciding if he wanted to be married to me or not. He claims that she is not the problem, that the "us" we have created is it. My only objection to this is: didn't we create this "us" from the lies and decete of the A? I could be wrong. It is so hard to see his view without the fog he is looking thru. I still am having trouble not blaming myself for all of this. I knew that my marriage was not the best and I did nothing to change it. I know that having a bad marriage is no excuse for an A but I still hate knowing that if I would have made improvements years ago, maybe I would not be suffering this devistation. I guess this is one item I really need to work on. By the way, Wontgiveup, I too know the depression diet. I have lost 25 lbs so far, and can't seem to want to eat much. Maybe we should look into the chemistry of the bodies reaction to extream stress and bottle it and get rich! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Take Care! And thanks for always listening!

PQ

What happened to you Wont Give Up???