Well here I go again!
After my 2nd counselling with Steve Harley I have been facing a few home truths...Maybe I am being hard on myself but I don't think so..Steve said at the moment I have 2 remain in a holding pattern & by plan Aing H his feelings for me will change. But this week I have just felt soooooo awful & wish I could share this with my H who of course wouldn't want to hear a bar of it..

But anyway Steve had me fill out the LB questonaire as tho I was H & it revealed some very interesting facts to me ABOUT MYSELF & what I have done to contribute to this awful mess. I am writing this here because I can't tell H unless Steve says it's OK & if I have to be in a holding pattern then thats right where i shall remain. i won't be contacting Steve again until I have something concrete to work with him on.
Anyway I discovered that I (because I am from overseas) gave far too much of my time to my family in the UK going over there every couple of years or when there was a family catastrophe (H & I never went anywhere together, probably because of the money I spent over there) When H needed me I was fleeting off to my family, why did i do this? because i felt terribly guilty that at the age of 16 H & I ran away together this upset my mother a lot & she was Ill at the time the police were called in & all the rest of the drama that goes with that stuff.........

When things got bad in our marriage & because I am a talker instead of discussing this with H I went & discussed it with our friends & relations H must have felt terribly betrayed by all of this but I just couldn't seem to talk to him I felt that I was being wronged,H said you will never get the chance to hurt me again & I went nuts at him because he wouldnt tell me how I had hurt him but now I can clearly see why, It has just hit me smack in the face this week.

H now tells me that he has had 2 yrs 2 get used to the idea that we are no longer going to be together & that I will probably need the same, B4 I left this district H said I hope you aren't going to come back here expecting 4 us to get back together cause it will never happen! it's over we have both done things wrong but we just can't live together I can't promise that I will never have another A.

I once told H that I used to idolise him b4 his affair 12yrs ago but that now I don't but I have also realised this week that I still do...they say love is blind how true!!

I felt that just B4 H & I seperated that he was using me 4 sex now I don't think he was I think that he was just lost, he kept saying this is sooo sad& I just kept getting all angry & hurt when he said that because all i could think was well if it's so bloody sad then why don't we fix it!

We (I thought) had a fantastic marriage & were the envy of a lot of people, how things can change & you don't even realise it's happenin!
H said that he used to be so in love with me & Steve Harley says that if I can plan A H feelings for me will change but why can't I see that how can they change when I couldn't see what I was doing to have a hand in all this & if I can't tell H how will he ever know.
Anyway guys thanx for listening to me rambling on I just feel that for the most part I am now getting what i deserve. 2morrow night I am going out to the bar & I am sure that H will be there Steve Harley said when i see him I should tell him that I am finding things pretty tough at the moment because I miss him because he needs to feel admired but i can hardly say that in the bar now can i?? When i say it i am 2 immediately change the subject not give him a chance to answer.

I know i am getting impatient & I know these things can't be said in an email or i will just get the reply "get over it, I am moving on & you should too" Oh well I better get going...Thanzx in anticipation of any replies!

hi, i did the same thing, the little problems we were having, i went to my sister instead of my H, to talk about them, maybe thats why when he found out, he was so upset, still though i don't think it justifies the affair. i've been feeling so down also, i wish i could talk to H about all of this, however, he wouldn't care now. our divorce seems to be coming to become finalized, i'm still plan aing, but sometimes i feel hopeless. still praying!

wrungout,

Don't be hard on yourself ... yes, we are all have our share in this mess but SO choose to break the M vow !!!. Now, you know ... try to fix thing up (plan A). You are in a good hand, SH is my M coach too. Focus on chiping away your part from the foundation of the wall that you H had erected ... hope it will crumbling down, be patient.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>2morrow night I am going out to the bar & I am sure that H will be there Steve Harley said when i see him I should tell him that I am finding things pretty tough at the moment because I miss him because he needs to feel admired but i can hardly say that in the bar now can i?? When i say it i am 2 immediately change the subject not give him a chance to answer.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I heard worst stuff in the bar <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ... now is the "change of subject" part of SH direction ?. If it is ;the point is to drop a line or two to fill in his EN and be discreet ... find a right moment and don't LB.

Good Luck -RH-

Hi Nezi & Redhat! Thanx for your replies! Yes redhat telling H I miss him is Steve Harleys suggestion but he said I must immediately change the subject & not give H a chance to shot me down which is what Steve says h will do so thats the reason for changing the subject immediately so as to cause H a bit of confusion.
Yesterday I was on my way to town & I thought i will just text H & ask if I can get him anything in town (we live a long way from town here) anyway reply came back no, not no thanks just no so i didnt even bother replying ok.

The other day H needed to get some paperwork off me & then of course he was happy to text me because i had something he needed. I just did what he asked & added that the Cd that he dropped off outside for me must have turned into a frisbie in the wind cause it was gone. H asked me to drop the paperwork off for him but i said would he mind collecting it from my place as i had to work early, that I wouldn't be home but would leave it on the bench inside 4 him. Left it in an envlope with a smiley face on it (something I do on everything i write) Well I guess we are all in the same position it's great we can all come here & vent! I am hoping that all our kids (if they find out this friendshp is now an A) will give them both some agro which will put a spanner in the works 9well thats what i am hoping will happen maybe it won't but the sooner they have something to challenge them the better!!! Will let ya know how i get on at the bar!

I guess one of the questions I have is do I let H know that I have come to the realisation that I also need to make changes because I think that he feels that I was expecting changes just from him?? Or then again is this relationship talk that I should steer well clear of I don't want to LB & take backwards steps & I only get the chance to talk with H ocasionally??
any thoughts on this??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

hi,
i'm in plan a also, when i told my husband that i knew i had to make changes in myself, he brings out marriage being bad, and him being unhappy the entire time, and he goes into our R, he says he waited our entire marriage for me to change and its hard to change topics. but i'm new at this, so you may want to wait til others reply.

Hi,

I'm sorry for the situation you are in. I think what Steve is suggesting is that you drop little deposits in your H's love bank to sort of soften him up. When the time is right you can have that talk or he will see the changes in your actions.

I think if you try to tell him you now see your part then you will get bogged down in a relationship talk and that's not what H wants right now. It could be an LB for him.

Continue working on YOU and the things you can change about yourself - in time your chance will come.

Hope this helps! I'm sure you're very frustrated being in a holding mode and not being able to share this with H. I know I want to call my H with every little thing and share everything because he was once my best friend (I hold back only because I don't believe I'm his best friend).

Good luck and keep the faith!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wrungout:
<strong>I guess one of the questions I have is do I let H know that I have come to the realisation that I also need to make changes because I think that he feels that I was expecting changes just from him?? Or then again is this relationship talk that I should steer well clear of I don't want to LB & take backwards steps & I only get the chance to talk with H ocasionally??
any thoughts on this??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope ... let your actions represent you ... don't go there since SH told you to not even give H a chance to make any R talk initiated from you yet. Be patience !. You know when the right time came up but for now stay clear.

-RH-

Hey thanx guys that was what i needed 2 hear! will let ya know how i get on at the bar 2nite if H is there!!

Well guys I DID IT! I walked up to H when he was standing alone in the bar & I said hey you look really good with great enthuseasm (cant spell that) how's it going? H said really? (or something to that effect, can't really remember but i could tell he was suprised, he did look good too) H sais he was keeping really busy so I said well i am having a bit of a tough time at the moment! because i miss you!H screwewd up his face, looked like it made him feel really uncomfortable, he didn't get a chance to say anything because I straight away launched a new conversation about his business & some people that had asked me about it & said he may like to contact them,anyway then i just said I reckon your business is going to go great! H said well I hope so because I haven't been making much lately then I just said OK catchya later & walked away. hope I did OK, after that H spent some time standing with his back to me in the bar & after a while i thought that he had gone but he hadn't then he stood at a table opposite me facing my way I could see that he was glimpsing my way from time to time but I didn't make anything of it just continued laughing & joking with my friends. Then when I decided to go home I just got up & left. Anyway I now feel much better that I have managed to get out what Steve advised me & will just leave it at that for now, I won't contact him unless there is a need to which is very unlikely.

Hi,

Sounds like you did exactly what you were told! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And you sound vbery positive. I wish you continued success.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

wrungout,

Good job <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... mini contact and skirmish (can't spell that too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ) hopefully will chip away the wall. -RH-

Hey thanx for all your input & for keeping me on the straight & narrow!!!! Sometimes it's soooooo hard. I have had a bad few days since i realised the part I played in this mess & have had trouble holding it together, I'm ok once I get 2 work (well almost OK have made a few mistakes this week but they know my situation so am sure they understand) My biggest trouble is that I always blamed H for all of this & because he kept saying you will never get the chance to hurt me again i didn't know how I was hurting him but now Steve has got me thinking by filling out the LB questionare as tho i was H & things started to pop into my head. Had one guy in the bar the other nite who had just split from his wife that day & he asked me if i still loved my H & I said yes! he said do you think you will ever get back together & I just shrugged cause i didnt want to get into this again I have promised myself i won't talk to anyone other than Steve about it. Trouble is i am way to nice to people & find it hard to tell them to mind there own business but anyway thhis guy had a bit to drink & said he was gonna talk to H i said please don't, he doesn't need that but I would imagine it fell on deaf ears anyway if he did H would have thought I was discussing him in the bar & would have undone all the good work I had done. Anyway I feel that since i had such a s**t week that I would organise another session with Steve so will let ya know how I get on...OK must prepare myself to drive to work past H place & OW place....& focus on something else..catchya later Oh almost forgot i was talking to OW 1 (from 12yrs ago in the pub the other nite & that actually made me feel better believe it or not REASON! Well this is a very small place & she is friends with a lot of my friends so am always running into her at functions anyway believe it or not I do feel better for that was getting sick of being scared of going out & running into her & feeling like a little mouse....Don't think that would have been a LB for H. You might all say I'm mad to do that but it's done now...