A brief history- D-Day was 2 months ago. My WH supposedly broke up with his OW (20's, single, works in his office, going on 7 months), and we were trying to work on the marriage and in MC. Then I continually caught him in lies of seeing and talking to OW. He moved out 3 and 1/2 weeks ago and was then dating the OW. Last week he told me he wanted to work on the marriage and broke up with the OW. I was so happy, but it was short lived. He saw the MC by himself and they decided he wasn't ready. He told me and the MC- that he was still totally in love with the OW, it was the best relationship in his life, he never loved me this way (married 12 years, together 17 years, 2 children), and he isn't sure if he can get over her or even if he wants to give her up. (This was absolutely hell to hear, especially after the hope that developed over the prior week.) He is still living with a male friend from work. He needs to move out the end of this month and is saying he will look for an apartment. He claims currently that he is not dating the OW and is going to seek IC. He wants time and space to think.

My question is: should I want him back? He has said and done such hurtful things to me since D-day. He blames me for the affair by blaming the marital problems but then agrees we could most likely fix our marital problems. He has not really addressed his mistakes and his total change of character. He really has treated me with no caring. I have given 100% effort to the marriage when we have been together since D-Day. The advice I am getting from from IC, MC, family and friends is that I need to distance myself and work on my life. I think there is a good chance he will never come home. I am trying to move on but it is so painful. He really isn't the person he used to be, and I'm not sure if that person is gone. Why do I even want this new person to come back to me? I know that I love the person he used to be but he has changed so drastically. I do not know if it is permanant or not.

Although it is difficult, I am trying to give him time and space. Our interactions are mostly regarding the children although sometimes I feel compelled to ask him about where he is at in his mind. I am trying to just arrange my life as a single mom. I am taking good care of my children. I am job hunting because I need to change jobs from my evening/weekend job to a day job when school starts again. I am seeing an IC and attempting to get on anti-depressants. I am trying to use all my support systems to avoid wanting to talk to my WH. I am trying to emotionally distance myself from him. I have to accept he may never return and move on with my plans. Any advice will be helpful. Thank you.

Welcome keep trying?...

There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)

About your post...

The more you keep trying to get distance from him... and he from you...
...the quicker your marriage will disintegrate.
The shock effect... (tough love approach)... is one approach... but I'd suggest first work on a longer term (maybe 6 months) Plan A.

Do seriously consider Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim / NSR

The truth is that I really want him back despite everything that has happened and I love him. I'm just afraid he may not come back and we will never have a chance to work on our marriage. While I try to give him time and space- should I be warm and loving when we interact, or cold and distant? I'm not sure how to act. My goal is to save my marriage.

Take it up a notch...

...make your goal... to be a better... kinder... holier... saintlier...
...more human... more accepting of failure... ...more learned in humblness and humilty...

...and saving your marriage... leave to God.

All... and I mean all of us came here to "save our marriage"...
...before you leave (many months... years... from now)... learn that there is a higher goal...

One that has to be reached firsted...
...before even the possibility of saving your marriage can happen.

Do Plan A...
...act (and be) like your still married.

Love him as you can...
...yes there will be boundries you can't cross...
...but try and meet his needs... as part of a better you!

Praying for a better you!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

BTW: be patient with replies (lack thereof) on weekends during holidays and summer weekends.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ahhhh... NSR...

YOU are so RIGHT...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All... and I mean all of us came here to "save our marriage"...
...before you leave (many months... years... from now)... learn that there is a higher goal...

One that has to be reached firsted...
...before even the possibility of saving your marriage can happen.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was January or so... I was in the tub... trying to soak away all my anxiety and worries... it had been a very long 8 months... I remember just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing... and I gave it ALL to Him... I told him I didn't care about getting MY way anymore... I just wanted the pain and worry and fear to go away...

I wish I could tell you it is completely gone... but in putting Him on the throne of my life I have seen many blessings and miracles... including that of my H doing the same... and we were recently baptized together and he is definitely showing me that he wants to recommit to our marriage and to me.

Yes... you can want him back... but don't try to control the outcome... work on YOU and give the rest to God.

Hugs and prayers,
Cali

I am really struggling now. I am trying to work out the financial arrangements for my WH to get his apartment but the reality of the situation is making me so sad. I see the possibility of him never coming home again and the marriage being over. I see the children confused (we never fought) as I am. I see us struggling financially to have 2 households. I imagine my WH with the OW at his new apartment. He says he is not currently seeing the OW but I do not believe him.

I have a few questions:

1) My WH has hidden his affair from everyone except a few close friends. He hasn't even told his family except for 1 brother when he moved out last month. Is it OK for me to tell mutual friends that we are separated, without having to go into the details? They will probably be able to tell from my voice that it isn't what I want? Also, I have only told one neighbor but could use more support right now.

2) My WH says he is taking this time alone to think and not seeing the OW. If he is still lying and seeing her, as I suspect, do you think it matters at this point?

3) Do I continue to plan A when I see him or is it time to plan B? I am OK with plan A except if he is seeing the OW. It is difficult to plan B with 2 small children and my job.

4) How much should I read into the length of lease for an apartment my WH gets? He says he wants short term but I know it will feel hopeless if he gets a longer term lease.

Thank you for the support!

Dear keep trying,
I'm in a similar situation as you are and will be happy to share what I've been thinking.
I think it's ok to share your situation with whoever you feel needs to know about this and will be supportive of you. You don't need the pain from being part of the "gossip mill" ! Also - sometimes I've found that by telling people, they end up needing support from me and that can be hard. It also brings up alot of pain for me.
My H has not told anybody about our situation either- he has alienated his entire family and all ofour mutual friends. I hope that once reality hits the A, he will see the foolishness of it and come out of his fog. I think family and friends are most likely to shed light on the situation.
I don't know what to say about him not seeing the OW. My H says he is doing the same thing. I feel that he is trying to set up some comparison to see who he needs/wants more! It is crazy!
Finally,I, too, struggle with this plan A/B thing. It is impossible to do a total plan B when there are children involved. I do try to limit my contact with him and don't initiate phone calls. I don't know if that is right or not. I'll be anxious to read what others have to say on this issue.

I really feel like I need to know if my WH is still seeing the OW now. He is describing the moving into an apartment as a "time to think", and he says he is not seeing her. I have great difficulty believing this because he only told me a few days ago how much he loves her and doesn't know if he can live without her. I feel like he is just prolonging my pain because he is not ready to deal with people finding out about the A and the repercussions of it on his life. Is confrontation helpful or should I just let it be? I feel like I need to know so I will not have false hope, and it would help me to be more patient if he is truely on his own.

keep trying,

I feel like you have been peeping in my window as much of what you write sounds like my situation. We too have two children and have been married for 12 years. So, we have a lot in common. Man of the things you said that your H has done or said, mine has also done or said.

First off, I have been at this for over a year now, not good. We have sep a number of times (many of which he said that he was not w/ OW but I come to later find out he was.) At one point, he moved in with her, got a new checking acct. with her address, etc.

Our most recent sep was from May till July. He just moved back in. He said that he was not with her but I think he may have been (at least some of the time). Anyway, we are still not on the right track. Only belive half of what he tells you right now, unless you see w/ your own two eyes. But don't let him know you don't believe him. Take it all in, store it, process it, and then make your decision on what to do.

To answer on of your questions : should I want him back? He has said and done such hurtful things to me since D-day That is your decision and only you can make it. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting your marriage to work and loving your husband. My H has done and said a lot of mean things to me and I have always wanted to make this marriage work and have always loved him for the good person he CAN be.

Tell who you want, it does not matter what he want, you are the one who needs the support right now. But be careful. I have learned the hard way that some people are their in the beginning but then either grow tried of your problems, feel uncomfortable knowing them, or become offended if you do not take there advice.

I would say to Plan A for awhile before you move to Plan B. If H pushes Plan B because of things he does then go with that or choose the Divorce Busting Method. It's very good, its worked for me but I never went with it long enough for it to have a lasting effect.

Don't read too much into the length of the lease. I have a big problem with reading stuff into EVERYTHING and that only causes me more problems. Take it for what it is, a lease that can be broken if necessary. Everything can change if you want it. Having seperation papers signed does not mean it will lead to a divorce. Don't drive yourself any crazier by reading into things.

And yes, by all means do something for yourself. Help yourself.

GOod luck

Thank for your good advice. I just had a conversation with my WH this afternoon because I felt like I was going crazy and had to know certain things. My WH says he is still in limbo and being pulled one way and then the other. He says he cannot says it's over with me or the OW. He says he is minimizing contact with the OW (although they had dinner last night). He said he does not feel the need to minimize contact with me (he is coming over tomorrow night to discuss the finances for his new apartment) and he says it feels good coming home.

My next questions would be:

1) How can he get over her if he still sees her? He says seeing her actually makes his feelings less for her. Is that possible because it goes against the MB principles?

2) Do you think the situation sounds at all hopeful for our marriage or is this exactly what is has been from the start of the affair- he wants both?

3) Where do I go from here? Plan A more?

Thank you.

Plan A... Plan A... Plan A...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">) and he says it feels good coming home.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is KEY!

However, YOU will NOT be able to control it.

Your job is to figure out what was contributing to the marital environment... what EN's need to be filled... what LB's need to be eliminated...

What changes in yourself do YOU want to make for YOU...

Remember that ALL changes have to be for YOU for the good of YOU NOT to manipulate WH back...

Give him the space he needs to THINK by NOT discussing the A, the OW or your relationship.

I 'used' the stuff from our early courtship... it felt like I was going back in time for a while... but we repeated those activities that we used to like to do together, but had fallen into complacency and not done in a few years...

I did INTENSIVE work on me. LOTS and LOTS of reading. Individual counseling and finally, and most importantly learned to walk by Faith and depend on Him. I eventually, after many months of trying to control the outcome, GAVE it up and said YOUR Will be done...

There is lots of hope in your story so far... especially the fact that he does NOT want to stop being w/ you. Use that.

Hugs and prayers,
Cali

When my WH comes over tonight, I will try to plan A but it will difficult. Knowing he is continuing to see the OW greatly affects my mood and my desire to work on the marriage. We will be discussing how to separate the finances tonight for him to get an apartment. I know this won't be an easy conversation. Any suggestions on how to help this money talk go smoothly? I have prepared in advance my and the childrens' financial needs and the bills we have. Do you think it would be premature to start splitting up the debt and savings accounts? He says this is a temporary move while he thinks (and sees the OW) but he realistically may never move home again. Thanks.

There is no try, young Skywalker, there is only do or do not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good luck. I remember how difficult it was to plan A.

As for finances, you might take this question to the General board for more input. I did not have to deal w/ this, and don't feel that my input would help you.

Cali

I have just seen my IC and we discussed where I should go from here. I have been trying my hardest to work on the marriage since finding out about the A two months ago. All of my WH's actions have been continually moving away from the marriage. He moved out one month ago and is now going to get an apartment and sign a lease. He says he is confused and undecided, and I am an emotional wreck. I have lost much weight and haven't slept a good night this whole time. The IC and I decided that I need to distance myself from his everyday changes in thoughts (there has been no changes in action- he still sees the OW and doesn't work on the marriage). He still will tell me he hasn't given up on the marriage but actions speak much louder than words. For my sanity and well-being, I will tell him tonight that I must have contact only regarding the children. If in the future, he comes to the decision he wants to work on the marriage, and has given up the OW and sought counseling, I may or may not be interested. I know this will be very difficult but everyday of the last 2 months has been hell and I'm hoping this will help me move on for now. I'm taking care of my kids, job-hunting for a new job, and trying to socialize and get support from friends and family. Any other words of advice before I see him tonight?

Dear keep trying
It sounds like you have a good plan. Take care of you and BE STRONG. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I've found a great deal of similarities in our stories and hope that I can soon get to the place that you are.

My WH and I had our talk last night. He agreed to the financial arrangements but wanted everything fairly temporary for now. I think that part went well. When it came time to talk about our relationship and the OW, I confirmed that nothing has changed. He is still undecided what he wants to do. He cannot say whether he will be seeing the OW (meaning he will). He is exactly where he was on D-Day, wanting us both to wait while he decides (OW is willing to wait and see him whenever). I have now taking myself out of the day to day competition. I will only have communication regarding the children and will start moving on. He still cannot see the great pain and destructiveness of his actions on me. I am very sad today because the truth is he has not changed or grown at all in this process so far. He is still completely self-centered. I have changed and grown dramatically. I want to save my marriage, but not at the expense of my sanity, my self-esteem and the children's and my well-being. He just wants to decide which way he will be more "happy" while disregarding the consequences of his actions. I have to survive this while caring for 2 small children, a home, working and suddenly being a single mom. He is probably relieved to go off and find his apartment and be with the OW. I am sad because he has made the same choice over and over. The choice to not work on the marriage. I cannot do it by myself anymore.

Dear keeptrying,
Sorry to hear how things went. I don't have any further insight for you. I DO think you have your priorities straight.
I also can't understand the selfishness of these WHs. I guess they are blinded by the fantasy life of the A and can't see past themselves or their own needs.
I am sitting here fuming tonight because I finally made social plans for me tonight and my H was supposed to pick up the children at 5. He just called and said he won't be here until 7!!!!!!!! How do you avoid LBing with this??????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Keep Trying,

How are you doing?

An update- I just got back from a week at the beach with my family and siblings. It was fun and distracting from the marital crisis at home but at times I did feel the pain of it all. My WH was supposed to be staying at our home when I was away. He is in between places to live and is apartment hunting. I found out from my neighbor that he did not spend one night here. When I asked him- he admitted to spending some of the nights with the OW (I think all). I was devastated again. He is supposed to be taking time by himself to think about the marriage and what he wants but has now increased contact with the OW. He says he still has hope for the marriage but he just continues his A and steps away from the marriage and family. I will keep trying to distance myself but, as always, it is very difficult.

I am job hunting, taking care of the kids and home and have actually gone out a few nights lately with some girlfriends. I seem to be getting alot of attention from men and have been asked out a few times already. I haven't accepted any dates yet but wonder if I should. It is killing me to think of my WH sleeping with the OW every night. Should I consider dating or is this just giving up? We have been separated about 2 months now and my WH is getting an apartment for probably 6 months at least. Thanks for any advice.

keep trying?

I'm glad you had a nice vacation and it is nice to get away from the marital issues.

I understand how the attention you're getting from men can feel nice, but to answer your question I don't think dating is a good idea. My feelings on this are that 1) it sends a message to your H that you no longer want the marriage and 2) you are bringing an innocent person into this who you could possibly end up hurting if you and H do work things out and reconcile.

I think if you move to Plan B and cut contact with H then his A could possibly start moving towards it's natural death. H and OW will experience the day-to-day stresses of life together and the fantasy part of having an A will begin to fade. If you can, try to let it run it's course.

Refocus your sights on YOU and your children. I wish you all the best as you continue towards personal healing and recovery!

God bless! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />