Haven't written before, hoping someone can relate to my weird feelings.My H is handling recovery better than me, how do you Plan A it all the time when you're so mad? I read everything about resentment, but mine sticks around. My H is good to me, kind, remorseful....I didn't think he had only had an E A and recntly he admitted it was sexual. I took it hard,for a year I believed they hadn't had sex! Everything could be great if I could let go, but I can't. Some days I just don't want him to touch me. Help. Why am I so weird when he is doing all the right things?We have had a wonderful counselor and my H shows me affection all the time. Just got tested for DTDs Friday. What a mess.

Dear Debra Kay,
I know exactly how you feel. My H had an affair last year. He told me about it in August and we were working things out. I thought we were doing fine and I was trying to meed his emotional needs but just last week he informed me that his affair continued until he lost his job in January. She was a coworker. We have since moved to another city and he is doing all he can to meet my needs but I just can't open up my heart to accept his kindnesses and love. He promises me that he has not contacted her since he last showed me their correspondence. How are we supposed to trust them again?

Hi Want to Believe,
Thanks for responding. When I looked back at my entry, I couldn't believe how fouled up it it was, I was nervous writing for the first time here.

My h didn't offer to move until way late in the game. The O W has moved to another state...I read people's stuff out there dealing with so much....and luckily our concrete trauma is over. Now, if I could just relax. Impossible. Some days are great days, though. It feels good just to write about it. I bet you really resent having to change everything in your life. Are you happy after your move?

For what it's worth, I read that anger inappropriately expressed becomes resentment. Resentment is much worse because it festers, magnifies, and always expresses itself as either spite or rage.

So, the challenge is how to "appropriately" express anger. As my therapist told me: punching holes in walls - not good. Punching a punching bag - good (though I'm not sure why... I own both.) Writing poetry - good. Writing suicide fantasies - bad. Listening to music - good. Changing the lyrics so that the music is about the A - bad. Writing poisonous letters and burning them - good. Writing poisonous letters and giving them to my WW - bad.

Good luck. Oh, getting information has helped a lot too. Understanding the divorce process has been invaluable for me, as has the rebuilding process.

Debra,

There was a man that used to post here. At the bottom of his posts he had the saying.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

I think you need to focus on what sets you off. I think you need to talk to your H about it. I think you need to address the resentment because it will hurt YOU.

Harley in one of his articles talks about POJA, The policy of joint agreement. He makes the point that one should NOT sacrifice for the marriage unless both parties enthusiastically agree that is what should be done. Why? Sacrifice, breeds resentment and that kills relationships.

I think what may help you, is to consider that no matter what your H has done, YOU have decided to stay in this marriage. Now how can you resent him for YOUR choice??
You cannot. So what is the problem? Perhaps you are angry that you had to make a choice for your marriage. But Debra, that was a good and honorable thing to do, how can you be angry about that?

Perhaps, it is that you cannot trust H, and your resent that. Again, there is no need resenting him, you have the choice to trust or not trust, you always had that choice. Again, it is YOUR choice.

What I am getting at here is that you need to stand back and evaluate WHY you feel the way you do. You could say well it was his affair. Yup he messed up big time, but you didn't have to stay, you don't have to accept him. These are all your choices, not his. He choose to stay and try and make amends and rebuild the marriage. Do you resent that he did?

What I am coming to is that eventually you need to realize that there are decisions to be made. You can decide to end the marriage. You can decide to live in a marriage that is tepid at best. You can decide, as many here have, to use this dreadful event as a catalyst to build a much better marriage than you had before. It has been done, and more than a few people have stated that while they hate that an affair occured, it has in a very odd way been the best thing for their relationship and marriage.

I had a discussion with a lady here the other day, who was the WS and she wondered why it took an A for them to really see things differently. I told her it wasn't the A it was how they responded to it.

Debra, you will have to decide how you would like to respond to it. Your H cannot ever change what he did. He can become a better H, a better man, but he by himself cannot make you happy or make the marriage better. You have to make the same decisions to become a better W, a better woman, and that you want a better marriage.

If you both decide this, then I think you will truely enjoy the rest of your life. Notice that resentment really doesn't have a place in this situation. It doesn't hurt him, it hurts you.

Sorry for the longwinded post, but I hope that something I said will help.

God Bless,

JL