Sorry in advance for the length of this, but it has all the info: My WW moved in with friends for about 10 days to be 'by herself' while going to therapy about self-esteem issues. These issues led to an EA last year.

She returned home, but still I sensed something was not right. I accidentally read an email meant for her. I ebay stuff, so I thought the tag line "listing" had to do with one of my auctions. It wasn't. It was from an apartment finding service. I asked her what it was for, -is there something wrong? She became upset, but talked about it. She said that she feels intense guilt and anxiety in our home. She feels that she doesn't feel affectionate toward me anymore. I asked her what needs she has in that regard. But she said the problem wasn't with me, she said that it's all about her feeling ugly, unworthy and stupid and just worthless (over having had an emotional affair, etc.)

Keep in mind, I am Mister Supportive, Devoted and Loving.

She said she was thinking of moving out to clear her head. I said, "Honey, if you move out I'm afraid that you will just repeat your past behavior and become more distant from me in the process. You're running away from something we should both be working on together." She said she can't help feeling guilty. She says she loves me and that hasn't changed. She says that she thinks that if she moves out she will be able to get herself together because she will be alone in an apartment and not in the home she feels that she has wrecked.

Now for a potential LB.
I am (as you can guess) very sad over this. I was up and down all night, not knowing what to do. Alternating between trips to the bathroom and bed (we have all been *there* I'm certain). During the early morning I took off my wedding ring, it made me sad to look at it knowing that the woman who gave it to me has been replaced with a foggy-headed I-don't-know-what.

She noticed it (the ring) this morning and screamed at me that she didn't care anymore and that I was a mean [censored] for trying to hurt her (by taking it off and leaving it where she could find it) and screw everything and basically was raving about me taking off my ring means that I'm saying 'it's over'. I told her I took it off because I was sad and up all night. And she actually asked why. Seriously, I was totally floored by how idiotic the whole episode was. I asked her to stop the smokescreen of trying to come up with a reason to yell at me, that she knows 'why'.

She immediately apologized and called me later at work twice to apologize again. She has said that she knows that if she leaves she risks losing the chance to come back. She hasn't decided yet. She is going to see her therapist on Wednesday and then she says she'll try to decide what to do.

I have tried to get her to visit this site to just read about LBs and the love bank, and everything, but she seems wrapped up in her self-esteem issues.

Try not to do things to make her feel 'guilty.' I did the same things at first; taking off wedding band, hanging up wedding pictures. Won't help.

Read read read this site. Get the books, Surving and Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Check in with your doctor about anti-depressants. (I am the king of recommending these because it really helped me stop LBing.)

Are you *sure* she is not involved with someone else? Sorry to say, but it sounds possible.

Hang in there. Sorry you are here. Good luck.

ST

Hi and thank you.

No she isn't involved with anyone, nor is she looking to be. She has been drastically honest with me about things since admitting her EA. According to her, her poor self-esteem makes her disinterested in anyone. She doesn't want to lose me, our marriage, or our life together.

I am trying not to LB and I really didn't take off my ring to hurt her feelings. I totally forgot that I had taken it off, I was up and down out of bed so many times last night I just forgot about it.

I realize she is in the fog and that her outburst is a result of this. She also said she does not want a divorce and that if she had, she would have simply paid the $350 and sent me the papers to sign.

Like I said, she is being radically honest.

I have read this site all over the place, trying to help me and her both. She said her big need is SF, so I guess I should be glad to know *something* of what's going on in her mind. She says it isn't me that's the problem, she says it's her. That something broke between us years ago and now we are more like best friends. Thing is, years ago things were (to put it bluntly) very hot and passionate.

So I'm inclined to believe her self-esteem issues are the real culprit. I haven't gained weight since then either (in case anyone would ask!) and our home life (comfort) has improved as I have gotten a better and higher paying position without taking time away from W.

It hurts and it's so damn awful not being able to just 'fix it' myself.

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Lopine ]</small>