I found this sight 5 months ago, which was about a week after D-day. I haven't posted yet, because so many stories sound just like mine, so I have just been reading every post. I have a question, but first I will give you a brief history. We have been married for 7 years. OW is a good friend of his that he knew before we ever met. I have known that she was in love with him since the day we met. He refused to see that, he said that they were just friends and that is all that she felt. She would always do things to try to steal him and when I brought that to his attention he would get upset. I finally stopped fighting it. She doesn't live near us. He hadn't seen her since before we met. About 6 months ago, she asked him if he would go up there and see her. When H told me that she asked and he was thinking about going, I blew up. We fought over that for about a month. Finally I told him that he had to choose, me or her. Well he chose her. He said that he was in love with her. He said that he loves me but isn't in love with me and he has been feeling that way for a couple of months. Since then I have been plan A'ing my rear off. We have a 3 year old and an 8 month old. After I had the last one I had a hard time losing the weight. I am now almost back to my original size. With the weight loss and my Plan A, he seems to be coming around. He hasn't left yet, and every time I get frustrated and say that I am going to move in with my parents he talks me out of it. He sent me flowers the other day for no reason and the card said that he will always love me. Most days are so great. At first he was calling her from our home when I wasn't around, emailing her everyday, talking to her via yahoo instant messenger every night. The calls from here have stopped, she called once and when I answered she hung up on me and he got mad and told her not to call here anymore. He doesn't email her as much. He is always receiving emails from her, but he very rarely responds. The instant messaging has stopped unless she initiates it which is rare because he has stopped getting on yahoo. All these signs I take as he is maybe trying to end it, but then yesterday he asked me what I would say if he asked if our daughter would stay with him her during first year of preschool. I am so confused. That is the first time that we have talked about it for 2 months. He has never asked me for a divorce, but he did ask for a seperation. That was 5 months ago and he hasn't done or said anything about it since then. I accidentally read a letter that she wrote him about 2 weeks ago and she was pressuring him to get a divorce. He still hasn't said anything to me about a divorce. I know every story is different, but I was wandering if someone could tell me if it sounds like he could be coming out of the fog, or is it just wishful thinking on my part?
Well I guess I have gone on long enough. Thanks for reading my long story.

Your husband has the classic symptoms of being in a fog and the OW doesn't want to let up. However, from what you said, he doesn't truly sound like he wants to lose you so don't give up. Now that you have lost weight, work out and get in shape. Think of you and do things for you. Keep doing plan A - don't fight with him. Is he living with you? The I don't love you stuff is part of the fog. The best advice, pray, pray, pray. Only God can get you through this. Trust in God and not your husband. Look at God and not the circumstances around you. It's amazing what God will do when we put our hands up and give up. That's when he can finally get busy.

Thank you for the reply. Just hearing that someone else thinks there is still hope helps so much. I pray everyday that he will come back to me. At first I was crying all of the time and so worried about what he was doing. Now I have just backed off and I am not so tense all of the time. I have faith that God will help me.
He is still living with me, but he is fixing to go out of the country on business for 4 months. I am hoping that the time apart will help him to realize that I am the one that he wants to be with. Again thank you so much, I was thinking about giving up and moving to my parents while he was gone, but now I think that I will stay and see what happens when he comes home.

Reading books helps...have you read any yet?Check out those recommended here.Wow...maybe sending u the flowers and card means he still bother and care.
I do wish my WH that although he still show he care in some other way.They are most probably confused in the fog now.

Patience will help us go a long way.

WH still show that he cares in alot of ways, but he won't say that he loves me and he says that he wants a seperation. In the 5 months since then happened he has not even attempted to proceed with the seperation yet still insists that that is what he wants. He doesn't hide the fact that he communicates with her from me, but he doesn't initiate the communication as much as he used to when it first happened. He just found out that he is going to be gone for 7-8 months overseas and we decided that I would stay with my parents while he was gone and then he said, "And when I get back......." He never finished that sentence and I didn't ask I just left it at that because I don't want to push him into making a decision yet.
He does all sorts of little things that make me think that he still cares, but I don't want to get to excited about it because I am so scared that I am just reading too much into it.
I never realized how much just telling my story would help. I wish none of us had to find this sight, but it feels so good to know that others are going through and have gone through what I am going through and have succeeded in keeping their marriages together. My family and the few friends who know what is going on, all say that I am crazy for wanting to keep him around. Thanks for listening.

4mygirls,

It sounds as though your H is confused, but leaning more towards your M. Is OW overseas? DO you think he's going to be spending these 7-8 months with her? Will you see him at all in that time (sounds like an awful long time to be away on business unless he's in the military)?

Plan A while he's gone when you do communicate and work on yourself. I think it's a good thing you'll be staying with your parents - you'll need the help with the little ones.

Keep posting ~ we're here to "listen" and support as best we can!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

H is in the military. OW will be staying in the States. No one is allowed where he is going, so I know that they will not be together. I am hoping that while we are apart, he will decide that he wants to make our marriage work. The last month or so he has really changed. The first couple of months after D-day, he was a completely different man. Now he is the man that I fell in love with. That is what confuses me, he acts like he is in love with me, but he still says that he isn't. Every once in a while he will mention me moving in with my parents but nothing ever becomes of it, it is like he has to bring it up to remind himself of what he said.

Hello, again,

I'm also in the military so I know there are unaccompanied tours. Is he active duty or national guard?

This time away may be just the thing he needs to get OW out of his mind and heart. Do your best to Plan A when you hear from him and send him upbeat letters. I know you don't want to get your hopes up.

Have you gone to counseling? I know TriCare allows for counseling and with the latest unfortunate spousal killings at Ft. Bragg I think the military would act quickly on getting you in. If you have any questions contact your family assistance office or I'll try to help if I can.

Keep smiling!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Free2BMe,
Thank you for the advice. H is AD USMC. He left at 3 this morning. He will be gone for about a month and then he will be here fore 2 months or so and is leaving again for 6 months. The first month that he is going to be gone we will have limited phone contact. But he has access to internet 24 hours a day. That is how he has been having the A anyway. I am hoping that that this time away will be like all of the others. Everytime that we are apart he writes me these long beautiful letters. When we are together it is like he starts taking me for granted and as soon as he is away he realizes what he has. D-Day began with him saying that he wanted to go visit her, I told him that I didn't want him to go see her because I know she has always been in love with him. Trying to talk me into letting him see her, he said that this visit is all she has and I will have a huge 50th anniversary party down the road. I told him that I didn't want him to go. We got into a fight and I told him that he could not go and if he did the kids and I would be gone when he got back. As soon as I said the words I regretted it and he said that he was in love with her and was going to go see her because he wanted to see if that relationship would go anywhere. That night he asked me for a seperation. He said that he didn't want a divorce just a seperation. He said that he would go to legal the next day and start the process. He has mentioned the seperation 2 other times but nothing has ever become of it. This is alot longer than I thought it would be, but once I get started on this subject my mind just goes and I can't stop.

The first impression I get from this.....is like a kid with a new toy.

He wants to keep his old toys around so he can play with them when he gets tired of the new one.

My FWH did the same thing.

My FWH did leave me....3 times actually....and said he was filing for divorce.....he never filed.

Why.....because he didn't want to cut that last cord.

Your H sounds alot like mine.....mine went back and forth between me and the OW. But who is he with now? Me...and very happily I might add...according to him.

The OW isn't making this situation any better.....pressuring him....which is probably why he is so confused and saying the things that he is saying...and that will work against her in the long run.

Take this time to implement a good Plan A.

Miss Priss,
Thanks so much. Yesterday was a really bad day with him leaving and everything. I felt like giving up. When he left he didn't kiss me or hug me or anything. Before D-Day he would kiss me and tell me he loved me before he even left the room that I was in. Hearing you gives me hope again. H emailed me today and asked me if I would go through his email and unsubscribe him to all of his joke email and such. I already knew his password, but I never used it. Things are really looking up today. All day yesterday I was thinking of going to Plan B when he came home. I even started composing my Plan B letter. Now I think that I will put that off for a while.

I'm sure it's hard enough having him away so much and then this whole issue is on top of it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Did your H give you any idea about what led him to this OW ~ what was lacking in the marriage? If he has, use this to your advantage and take this time away to work on them.

I wish you all the best!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The only reasons that he will give me is that a) he fell out of love with me and b) over the years he fell in love with her. He won't give me reasons why he fell out of love with me, just that he doesnt' want to try again. He won't even go to counseling. He says that he doesn't want to try again, but he is still living with me. He can easily move into the barracks. The first night he got a room in the barracks and then came home the next day.

She has been trying to split us of from the very beginning. We had a really big fight one night and she called right in the middle of the fight. It is like that every time we have a little disagreement, she is always there for him to go to. He hasn't seen her in years and they get along great. We have been married for 7 years and we have our disagreements and we can't go out as much because we are new to the area and we have no one to watch the kids.

4mg,

My H had a female friend he knew before we met. He told me a little bit about her but not much. He would tell me she smoked (which he didn't like), she was Jewish (which he is not) and she was very opinionated and over bearly. He said he really didn't like being around her, but she would drop in at his house, send him cards and call.

She knew we were dating and during Christmas our first year together she called and asked if they could have coffee. Well, about six hours later he called me and said she had left. Apparently they had dinner then went Christmas shopping together.

I tried not to get jealous or insecure. I knew I struggled with this and I truly trusted and believed in him (I didn't have reason NOT to).

A couple days later she called and asked if they could get together again. We talked about it and I was skeptical, but again, I had no reason NOT to trust him.

Then before the actual day came he got a 4 page letter saying she couldn't wait until they met. Went on and on and the last paragraph said "I know I should step back and give you and Free2BMe a chance, but I can't and I won't".

I tried to point out to him that she had strong feelings for him, but he insisted that wasn't true. So the years went by and she would call and email him at work or send many cards to his house (he received 3 birthday cards from him one year). He kept telling me he wanted nothing to do with her and said he would tell her to stop.

But she didn't stop. We discussed this with our Pastor and he told him that he didn't want her around him.

I found one day an email from a woman who he said was the sister of a high school friend he just ran into. Come to find out he was camouflaging HER email address. They had met 3 times in one week for lunch and I never knew.

I finally conceeded and said that if they were just friends then I could be ffriends with her too. So H called her to suggest we all meet and she said "you stood me up for HER" and slammed the phone in his ear.

It continued up until the week after our wedding - a good 3 years. I haven't heard or seen anything from her since January 2000, but part of me thinks they still talk on the phone or meet for lunch. He swears he hasn't heard from her at all.

I don't know why I just wrote all this... probably cause I can relate to the past friends thing. My H and I are 5 years into our relationship and she is still right there in my head. I can remember those words she wrote 5 years ago as if it were yesterday.

Did you say if she was married or not?

I hope you can ride this time apart out and remain positive... we're here for you so vent away or share your thoughts.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 08, 2002, 08:56 PM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>

She is not married. She is 20 years old and still living with her parents. H is 26. She hasn't come right out and said it but he used to read her letters to me so that I wouldn't get so upset. But the way she phrased some things, I am almost positive that she is waiting for H to be her first. She doesn't try to hide it but he still never saw it, or he didn't want me to think that he knew she was in love with him.
H and I have been on Yahoo Messenger talking all day. I emailed him today and told him that I love him. It is the first time since D-Day that I have said those words. I couldn't tell him to his face because I would fall to pieces if he didn't say it back. He never responded to that part of the email but I know that he read it. He did tell me that he really missed me though. I guess that is something. I just want so much more and I want it now. I have never been an impatient person, but this is driving me crazy. It has been 5 months and I don't want to ask him about us trying again but I want that more than anything. Things seem to be getting better everyday and then we will have a small slip up that puts us back a couple of days. Well I guess I have rambled long enough. Thanks for listening.

Glad you were in such contact with him today! If you love him, tell him and don't expect a response. I think loving someone unconditionally means also loving someone who might not love you the same way. Does that make any sense?

Keep your spirits up! I know it's hard holding back when you want it all back now.

Good luck!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi 4mg!!

Your husband sounds like he is experiencing, what Jenn calls, "Cognitive Dissonance." It's when your beliefs and your actions don't match. For Example: My wife is all I ever wanted, but I'm having an affair. She said this was a good sign. At some point the two should match. So continue to say I Love YOU. You can tell him it's OK if he doesn't respond in kind, but he can just say Thanks. But it lets him know how you really feel. Cuz you know OW is telling this whenever she can and making love deposits.

Also, try to figure out what his top 5 ENs might be. Then try to focus on these, even with the distance. For example: if one of Top 5 is PA, then work-out, buy cute little work-out outfits, improve your hair/make-up techniques, pamper yourself, paint your nails. Do things to make you feel good about you. And during your conversations you can say something like "what a great workout I had today." or "I'm trying this new make-up and I really like it. It brings out my eyes..." You know, do stuff to improve YOU and if he happens to like it GREAT! But regardless, you come out better. Am I making sense?

Also, I am still having days when I want to give up. Then I come here. I also pray.

Well, good luck. You are doing a good job and it's showing in his confusion about what he really wants. And it's great that he isn't making most of the initial contacts with OW!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Eventually, he will have to decide and when he chooses you (see how confident I am in you) that you two will have to discuss ways to block all contact. I am working on that one right now with my WH. He still thinks he can be just friends! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Blessings!

Thanks for the advice. Just telling my story makes me feel better. To hear that someone else thinks that I can get through this just makes my day. I have started telling H that I love him every time I email him. Every time that we have been apart I have written him an 11 plus page letter everyday that we are apart. I am doing that this time and today he IM'd and said that he was surprised and happy that I am doing that this time even with everything that is going on. That happened this morning and I have been floating on air all day. My computer went down this weekend and I wasn't able to talk to him all weekend. He asked me today where I was all weekend and he sounded disappointed that he didn't get to talk to me. So I have been having a really good day. I have also started getting out alot more. One of his big things was that I was too wrapped up in taking care of him and the kids, I never did anything for myself. I have started doing that and everytime I do something new I tell him and he says he is glad. Well thanks again.

4mygirls,

You are really holding up famously! Glad to hear the positive news.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>

Just and update. H has been gone for 12 days. We email and IM each other everyday. I have started saying I love you in every email and letter that I send him. He called me last night, the first call since he has been gone. We spoke for 20 minutes and in those 20 minutes,he told me he loved me 4 times. My knees turned to jelly. We had a very nice talk. We didn't talk about our relationship, just what was going on in our lives. He said that he had to call because he needed to hear my voice. He hasn't said anything about wanting to try to make our marriage work and I am not going to ask yet. I think I need to be stronger before I do that. I still have alot more things I want to do for myself before we have a conversation. I want to make sure that if he does decide to leave and be with her that I will not fall to pieces all over again. I know that he is emailing her while he is over there. I also know that before he ever left she was pressuring him to get a divorce. I just hope that she is still doing that. He hates to be pressured and he will always do the opposite, just to prove that no one can make him do anything. Thanks for listening. It feels so good to have good news that I can share, instead of looking for encouragement.